I often find inspiration for my articles and posts in unexpected ways from sources I don't always anticipate. Yes, I get tons and tons of inspiration from your comments, your letters, your facebook posts and messages and from the wonderful conversations within the community we've built here. But sometimes it comes right out of left field.
The inspiration for this post came the other day while I was on hold.
Instead of the usual "elevator" music, this time I found myself listening to a song I hadn't heard since my early single days (and it was considered an oldie even then).
"I want you (I want you...), I need you (I need you...), but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you; Now don't be sad (don't be sad...), cause two out of three ain't bad."
With a bit of a jolt, it all came rushing back to me.
I used to love this song!
I'd belt it out at the top of my lungs in the car (with the windows up), in the shower, or whenever it came on the radio and I happened to be in a place where I felt free to sing out loud.
But now with all I knew and everything I'd learned and all the cultural programming – including songs just like this – behind all the ideals I used to hold onto, I listened to the words in disbelief.
Wait - what?
Two out of three ain't bad? And the one out of three that you're not getting is love?!
As if being wanted or needed is enough – or at least not bad or enough to settle for?
Wow.
I had to listen to it again.
I found it on Youtube and rechecked the lyrics.The scariest part is how readily I too had accepted this without giving words like this a second thought in a time not so long ago.
Why on earth would that be anything that any of us would be willing to accept from someone? And yet, when I thought back to all the feelings that came back to me when I remember my own mindset back them, it made perfect sense.
If you loved someone, you accepted their terms.
If you loved someone, you accepted them for who they were and what they were capable of giving you.
If you loved someone, you didn't think about whether you were happy or whether what you were getting out of this was working for you. You just focused on your own belief that love could conquer everything; that your love specifically could conquer everything, and eventually be enough to make him love you back.
And so it was no wonder that I was dancing my heart out to this song whenever I heard it. It went along with the motto of what I believed in, of how I was living my life, settling for two out of three while holding out for that final prize – the third thing - his love for me. The love that I knew he had in him if I could just help him see it for himself. The potential.
But that was then.
I now see right through that kind of thinking, however well-intentioned and idealistic it was. I now see it for what it really is. And what it does to us.
How it hurts us, how it messes us up and has us putting up with behaviors and actions we would never put up with if we loved ourselves even half as much as we profess to love him.
There's nothing wrong with the kind of capacity of love within our beautiful hearts and souls, but it's where we place that love that's the problem. We give ourselves away to the very ones who don't have it to give us, who tempt us with their "so close" needing us, wanting you but without the real thing – love.
And we're accepting this? You're accepting this?
Maybe if you only wanted to be needed or wanted, but aren't we talking about you here? That beautiful woman with that beautiful heart and soul with so much love to give, so much of yourself to share, and so much to offer from that beautiful heart of yours?
Why would you ever do this to yourself?
You can convince yourself you can do this, that you can accept the terms that someone else sets for you by being OK with the crumbs of something that resembles a loving relationship. But at some point, there's going to be something within you in your heart of hearts that won't be able to do this to yourself anymore. And enough will be enough. The words will escape from your lips even before you can stop them. "I can't do this anymore".
And you won't.
You'll see it, too. The terms you've been living by that were never your terms in the first place. His terms. His comfort level. His need for space. His level of emotional intimacy.
You don't recognize where you fit in because this has been all about him.
You never had any terms, or if you did, you never dared speak of them. Or at least, not loudly enough for them to cause the ripples that might end your chance to see this through.
Two out of three is never enough for a woman who knows her own worth – and believes it. Two out of three is never enough for you!
Not when what's missing is love.
How about you? What beliefs are you buying into that are keeping you chasing after someone who can't give you what you deserve? You're never, ever alone! Share your story with us in the comments.
And what if he meets you one day and on that day you look gorgeous. Your hair is done, your make-up is perfect, your manicure is fresh and you are wearing those sexy high heels with your favourite dress. Wow!!! He is sooooo in love he is ready to marry you the next day. But he wakes up with you the morning after and your hair is a mess, your expensive make-up is all over your face and your manicure is chopped, plus he discovers there is actually some cellulite going on underneath that pretty dress. Suddenly to him you are a totally different person and no, he dors not love that new person anymore. But he soooo loved that perfect girl he met the day before. Was that love, and usn't love always that much illusoionary? It is not about the person we love, but about our supeeficial perception of that person.
Also let's not forget that love is a very thricky concept. We want love, but do we even know what love is? What one person may understand as "love" another may enterpret quite differently. There was a story of a young evening school teacher and her own husband was among her students. Obviously he thought he loved her. He was cobstantly spoiling her by bringing her chocolates, cakes and cookies. But the young lady was fed up to her ears with sweets. He kept crying and saying: " If my husband loved me for real he would bring home good grades. But he is constantly failing his courses, not doing his homework! Therefore he does not love me at all!" This is not how her husband understood love. He could not get it what the heck his grades had to do with how much he loves his wife. He loves her of course, he offers her the sweetest stuff, but high intelligence and good grades is nit something he has to offer. He can't give her something he has not got. I remember how I broke up with my first husband right after he said "I love you." Just like the young teaches I was fed up with sweet things. He was constantly saying "I love you", knowing that I would do anything wgen I hear those words. But would he ever do anything that I asked him for? Never. No matter what I would,ask him it would either be an outright "No" or a "Yes" with no follow through action. So what is love? Does he love you if he constantly acknoledges his feelings by frequently saying "I love you" or does he love you if he can deliver to you what you want, even if he says nothing? What if he does his very best and gives you everything he's got, but still it is not good enough for you or not what you asked for? Is that love? I guess it is very tricky to understand love rationally. One just either feels it or he does not. So if he thinks he feels it, but you don't and you believe it's fake is that love?
I've had a request for a post on exactly this topic, Nina, on what "love" is and isn't. More to come!
Thank you, Jane, I think it would be very helpful to have some clarity on the matter. What can we and can not we expect from a loving man. Men might be able to love. But do they love exactly like women? Exactly like us, women, expect them to love us? And even if they do obsessively love us is that enough to make us happy? How many times we reject the exact man, who claims he loves so much he can not live without his love. And if we love chicken so much we could eat it every day is that always a good news for the chicken? As you can see, I am confused...Perhapse this confusion in my head prevents me from finding love that I want. Can you find something when you do not really even know what exactly you are looking for?
Just be yourself and enjoy life and LIVE!
If its real it will be known.....
I would not put ablame on people, who accept such incomplete terms, though. After all you do not meet a stranger on the street and declare your love the same day. Before you admitt you love someone you better make sure you at least know who that person is. You also do not committ all of yourself or even a significant part of yourself right from the begining of a new relationship. It is only normal and rational that in the first few months people take it slow. So it os quite natural that sometimes people do not develop feelings for each other at the same pace;.some fall in love fast, because they are ready, others have issues that prevent them from falling in love, like an ex-girlfriend in the song. And love is such a difficult thing! You can not make someone love you by simply standing up for yourself or talking about it. In fact doing it can build that kind of resentment we hear in the song. So instead of : "Sorry, I am not sure I can say I love you yet..." We hear the extreme statement like in the song "There is no way I will ever ever love you if you keep nagging and pushing and punishing me for not telling you exactly those words that you want to hear." But I agree, if the partner did not say those 3 magic words within some reasonable amount of time, plus there are mire warning signs, maybe tahere is something to talk about.
Welcome!
Hi guy;s I m new hear Please wecome to me
J...and once you do find a guy who is capable to love or has a better potential you drop his sorry ass like a hot potato. Let the user know what it's like to be used.
...the more this relationship will ne like love and the harder it will be for him to leave you. But keep your options open at the same time and be honest about it: " So you are saying it is not love? Great! I can see other guys then. I hope wehave that understanding and you won't accuse me for cheating."
Luckily, there is a method for dealing with a man like this. He wants you, he needs you ( or should I rather say he wants and needs something from you) but refuses to open his heart and offer his love in return. You need to understand that this is a used looking for a free ride. Do not give him a free ride. And if you are to yolerate him around at all do not be shy to ask him politely to make himself useful. Ask for things that he can provide. If he has money - ask for money or gifts. If he is poor, but has some free time, ask him to do some chores. The more he invests and does for you the more this relatiinshh j
I'm absolutely with you on this, Jane. Some men just completely disgust me in the way they treat, think, talk and sing about us, women. A lot of seemingly intelligent men talk anout women comparing us with unanimated objects, like shoes, ice-cream flavors, vegetables and fruits. They think such analogies help them to understand relationships better, but in fact they totally lead them to wrong conclusions and wrong behaviors. Like they suddenly decide that it is only normal to try every woman before you decide which one you like the most, cause that's what you would do if you were chosing a pair of shoes or an ice-cream...dah!!! And they do not even realise that unlike those shoes or ice-creams women have feelings and they can get pregnant and they can get an Std etc. It just does not get to them that us, women are not just some "things" that they want and need like say shoes or hot-dogs, that we are actually the actial human beings with our own needs and wants and our own lives. So yes it is OK to want a pair if shoes and need a pair of shoes, but never really love that pair of shoes that you wear, but when we talk anout a woman, who is a person in her own right that same approach just does not make any sense.
BTW
He has taken me to NYC! And always takes me on weekend trips.
He has made me his Power of Attorney with an Attorney involved.
I am so confused and dislike our platonic relationship.
So it sounds like he's doing what works for him, he's having this relationship on his terms. Now the only question is, are they terms you can live with?
Hmmm....
I am in a platonic relationship, he tells me he loves me and we both take care of each other.
He is not a well man as he states he has 5 or 6 stents in his heart. I have never been there for any of his procedures. I don't and do understand his disinterest in sex but I am a woman who has interest and I have been patient.
Our relationship was not that way in the beginning.
I wished months ago our relationship would have gone further and I have know him for three years.
Why does he keep me around or rather why do I stay around?
That's the question you have to ask yourself, Catherine. "... or rather why do I stay around?" Of course we stay because we believe so much in someone's potential and we want to believe if we're just patient enough, he'll come around. But it's been three years. That's three years of your life that could have been spent with someone else, or at least not second-guessing yourself which is almost always what happens when we stay with someone who isn't giving us what we know in our hearts we deserve.
He's giving you all that he's obviously capable of, and you have no guarantee if or when this might change. It's a chance either way, but the bigger question is, who's worth more of that chance - you or him?
Do what you can live with, do what brings you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks, you're the only one you ultimately answer to. There's always a reason we do what we do, and when you discover that reason, you're no longer tied to something you have no control over. I wish you all the best in making your decision, however difficult it seems right now. Trust your gut instincts; deep down inside you there's always a part of you that knows.
I think iam in that relationship were you just have to please him while im feeling bad.i even gave him a go ahead to date another women so he can see iam under his terms of giving a man what he wants.
Hi, Thato.
I think there is a question you may want to ask yourself: why do you need to prove anything to a man or anyone for that matter? Why do you have to sacrifice yourself for him to "see" who you are? Why would you want to be with someone who is dating other women?
You're a whole woman, valuable and precious as you are. Why would such a woman be in a situation like this?
I love the song "You were always on my mind" but I now see the meaning behind it is a selfish man out with other woman while the woman he is supposed to be committed to waits for him at home. As a child this is was what I thought was normal in relationships,
And you weren't alone, LJ! Thanks for sharing, LJ; it hits home for many.
Hi Jane...well said. As a muso i too have much later on stopped & thought about the words of many songs that are deplorable..yet because they are well constructed musically we blindly take no notice of the message theyre sending.
Meatloaf's hit is a great example..& how many 'prophesied' their own disastorous relationship experience while 'getting into' the song. Spoken words have a habit of returning what we speak.
Sadly in a world where 'love' means so many different things to too many people..too often its real meaning is 'lust"..not 'love'..."i love that car..that dress..that movie..that song"...etc.
Have a good friend who gave her 'all' to a relationship that was not founded on mutual love & when after a month he didnt want to go on anymore she was devastated & had to finally admit she sold herself cheap.
Love..true..'sacrificial love'..should never be compromised. 'Need & want' are 'selfish'..not 'selfless'.
Pray that your message gets through to many tempted to lower the benchmark.
Whats an opposing song to Meatloaf's?
One just came to mind...Shania Twain.."If your not in it for love..to give it all you got..if youre not in it for life...im outa here"!
Well said.
Best regards
Mark.
Thank you, Mark. You've put this into words so many of us have needed to hear. Love the reference to Shania Twain's song - that kind of confidence in the words of that song are ones we could all use to be inspired by.
Thank you for this article. It comes at a time when I really need the encouragement that I'm not worthless. I was married for twenty years. I spent most of those years trying to be enough to a man that told me he loved me, told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, told me I was the one. Yet, I never felt that I was. In-between those words were the silent treatments, me apologizing for being to friendly, unhappy, insecure, crazy. No matter how hard I tried, and trust me, I worked hard to feel loved, I just couldn't get there with him. I left in June. Sadly, I left because I wanted him to come for me. I wanted the validation that I mattered. He didn't though. He quickly began dating multiple woman and continues to do so. I have been reduced to begging and pleading for him to love me, choose me. I have even asked that he give me the same dating chance as these other woman. Its sick, I know but I'm heartbroken. Why can't I remember how unhappy I was. Why can't I find the strength to let go and have confidence that there is someone out there for me? I'm still trapped hoping he will come to his senses and realize that he does really love me. He tells me he has no feelings for me, tells me he thinks of me as he would a sibling but yet he will reach out every now and then and I'll respond and just get my heartbroken again. I hate this person I have become and I truly want to get to the other side. Tell me I can. Tell me that at some point I did matter to him, tell me I will be alright. Right now I just feel heartsick, lonely and filled regret with the fact that if I hadn't left we would still be together.
I've heard your cry out. I don't have a ready answer, but maybe if you would become real still you would hear your heart whisper, 'you've made the right choice'. Try to treat yourself and approach your situation and thoughts about it as if you would treat a good friend. Take care.
You're going to be alright. I know it doesn't feel like that right now. I know it hurts too damn much, but this too shall pass. You'll get through this, because you are strong. It doesn't matter what he thinks. You are here. You're still standing. Take it one day at a time. Look at the reality of what is. I am sure that little by little you will see that things aren't the way you thought. You will learn from this and get your true self back. I'm sending you a big hug.
Jen, please read some articles on narcissism and co-dependency. Your ex is not capable of love nor will he ever be. A good site for you to look at is: Esteemology.com
You are on the right track by reading Jane's articles, because these have helped me tremendously on learning to focus more on self love. Seriously, the bottom line is truly loving and accepting ourselves. Once we are able to do this, we will attract men who are capable of loving and cherishing us, like we deserve.
Dear Jen
I feel your pain. Don't stay home alone or be alone. Getting over 20 yrs with somebody is not going to happen in 5 mins, and that's ok. Now is the time for you to surround yourself with your own family (parents, siblings, cousins etc) you can rely on to get you through this. The "power" of a family, the standing together/being there for each other is truly amazing! My relationship ended 6 weeks ago, it was only about 1 yr and half (which is nothing compared to 20 yrs ,I know) but my parents including my brother were SO supportive! and not to forget, also were Jane's articles (I've read almost all I think) and her responses to my (and other comments), it really made a huge difference in getting through this.
Wish you all the best! Hope this helps
You can, Jen, and you will! Your beautiful heart worked so beautifully here, refusing to live in the shadows of someone else's life for one more moment than it knew you possibly could. It said "enough" because we can only go so long living like this before we slowly but surely begin to wake up. No more apologizing for being your beautiful true self to someone who you were supposedly in a love relationship with.
I know you can't see this now, but when you're on the other side of this - and you will be! - you will see this so clearly as being the best thing that could have come out of this - you! A whole you that never has to wonder if you're worthless because you're around someone who can't see you for who you are. Someone who can't see you because of what he doesn't have in himself. Something he doesn't have to give you. This isn't for you to fix, this is for you to find. Yourself. That beautiful woman who knows her worth, who knows what she has to offer and knows just how lovable and enough she is, if she can get away from people who keep putting their own stuff on her so that she can no longer see herself.
You couldn't "get there with him" because he wasn't open to you getting there with him. It had to come from him. You can't be the only one, no matter how much we've been led to believe we can, or we should. The damage we do to ourselves when we buy into these beliefs!
Don't fight it, Jen. This is how it's done. Ask anyone of us our stories and you'll find a common theme. Shame, guilt, worthlessness, failure. The words of support you're hearing here come from those who have lived this for themselves - believing we have to be something other than our true selves to be loved, to be enough for someone who we can never be enough for because they can never be enough for us.
Love yourself through this, be so gentle with yourself. There's a beautiful little girl inside you who knows her worth, who knows what she deserves. Find her and give her wings to fly and you'll find you.
Thank you for that article! It has put everything I'm dealing with into perspective. I have been dating this guy for over a year, he trust me with his life but not his heart. All I want to hear is I love you but I guess I have to accept that he does not. He said he is not totally in love with me. I need to move on. I'm having a hard time letting go.
Help
So glad this resonated with you, Sheryl. You're so not alone! It is so hard to let go - that's the most difficult part of all of this - because it's not just him we're letting go of, it's our dreams, our plans, our beliefs about love and what love can do! You have to ask yourself what love means to you, what you need it to mean in a relationship, and then decide for yourself whether you want more than what you have. People have all different ways of expressing love, but it's in your heart of hearts that you know what you have and what you don't. Every single one of us deserves to be loved for who we are on the terms we define for ourselves, not on someone else's.
"The terms you've been living by that were never your terms in the first place. His terms. His comfort level. His need for space. His level of emotional intimacy. You don't recognize where you fit in because this has been all about him.
You never had any terms, or if you did, you never dared speak of them. Or at least, not loudly."
This really spoke to me. Her disappearing Mondays and Tuesdays. Spending her Sundays without me. Texts taking the place of real communication. All on her terms and me, being too accommodating, going along with everything because I did not want to rock the boat. And when I did exercise some backbone, she did not like it and made me pay because she was already mad at me. If I had have set my boundaries and not did everything on her terms, the outcome would have been the same, but I would have kept my self respect.
Maybe Meatloaf had it all wrong but I had always taken from this song his honesty in the message. There was no deception in his story. And once again serves to remind how different others can be in their thinking and attitudes.
I so hear you, Wayne. You're wise to see that the outcome would have been the same - but with your self-respect intact. How I understand the regret for that so many of us have felt! It's not the honesty in his message that's wrong, because I agree with you that he was being honest about what he could give and what he couldn't, it's what we're willing to accept for ourselves even within that kind of honesty.
It's our beliefs about love that make songs like this so popular and keep us accepting terms that don't include love over and over again that show just how little we think of ourselves and how much value we place in the few crumbs we might get from someone if it means we're not alone or we can have a part of someone in our lives. It's so familiar to so many of us, and it's what I'm trying to throw some light on so we can all start to see what's going on with all this settling that's going on in the name of what we're calling "love".
That song pretty much summed up my last relationship. He wanted me, he neede me, but he was never gonna love me and make it official. It was hard to move on.
I did meet someone else. He seems to be very interested in me. We saw each other almost everyday the first few eeks. We talk a lot. He calls when he says he will. I feel amazing when we are together.But I've hit a bump. Its going on 6 intense weeks and it seems to have plateaued. I want the commitment. I've put it out there. Sort of non challantly, he has become kind of aloof about where we are headed. I'm 46 he is 56 we don't exactly have the luxury of time. I need to know if this something or just a fling.I should have said it to him but I was afraid yet again, what if he runs and disappeared. Well anyway I finally put it in a text message for him to think about. I said "will you be my boyfriend? Because thats what I want.
I'm not afraid to say how I feel or put it out there that I want more. I want a committed relationship. Not just sweet phone calls and evenings of cuddles. At this point if he wants the same thing then he needs to accept my request and we move forward.
I know what I want, I know what I need and two out of three is NOT good enough for me.
Thank you again Jane for all of your great blog posts and kind words.keeps me focused on my goals.to be in a lovingccommitted relationship
"I'm not afraid to say how I feel or put it out there that I want more. I want a committed relationship. Not just sweet phone calls and evenings of cuddles." - Knowing what you want is huge, Jennifer! Be so proud of yourself for having this clarity, for recognizing what it's worth to you, and what it's not. You're so welcome. 🙂
Well its happening. Cold feet, disappearing act, whatever. I told him all week that I was free tonight. I really wanted to see him. He texted first today. Had some silly exchanges but he said I would see him tonight. I told him that made me happy and feel good. Well, I never heard from him. I decided that it was up to himto call and make plans. Nothing. Makes me sad. I suddenly have become a "maybe" girl. Like I said above, sweet phone calls and cudling (yes we've ben intimate) are not enough. They would be if I knew where I stood. If I had "girlfriend" status. But I don't. So no calls or texts from me this weekend unless he calls to invie me out I wont be seeing him. I'm nobody's maybe girl. And I'm not pining for his "potential" I'm looking out for me, for what I want and need and above all Love!
Oh Jen, I'm so sorry this is happening. Do not reach out to him, just remember that you have a say too and you are choosing like Jane always reminds us. Always put it this way: he could be superman, but if your needs are not being met, he is not good for you. Would you want to really be in a relationship with a disappearing act? I don't think so. Remember that he is showing you who he is and that's what you need to pay attention to. Can you accept him as is?
Sorry, Jennifer, but I am afraid you might be scaring guys away by wanting committment too soon. Take it easy. You have only known the guy for 6 weeks. Are you really sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you've known for only 6 weeks? In 6 weeks you do not even know who he really is. And even if you know who he is, you have not grown the bond yet that is necessary to committ. I think it might be not a good idea to push for committment that soon. Instead, if after 6 week you feel this man is not committment ready just see other guys. Date 2-3 guys at a time. There is nothing wrong with it. That way you can eliminete the weak candidates and you have at least someone to compare them with.
oh Jen, I so hear you. You're not a "maybe girl"! We can always look back with "shoulds", and have our share of regrets. Don't do that! We all do the best with what we know at the time! This is how you find out more about someone; it's more information so that you can decide if this is working for you, if who you're finding out more about is in line with your goals, your dreams, your desire for commitment. Don't take what's not yours on you! You're still the same you, you're still the same beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing you're looking for with you. It's not personal. It's more information for you!
Hi Jane,
As alwaus I am seeking good advice tat seems fitting. I came across an older blog called Why he ont commit seven ways to move things along. This was really helpful. I've followed these things without realizing. He and I have talked about what we are looking for and I believe we are on the same page. Boundaries hadn't been set.
Nina, you could be right that's why I'm here looking for new perspective. I haven't gone down the commitment path with him, I am attempting to let things happen naturally. That being said I was disappointed and hurt that he said he'd call and he didn't. That behaior wont be tolerated. I basically mirrored his behavior and told him so. He stepped up today verbalizing his desire to make things right. I haven't totally ex luded the fa t that I can date othrs and I am considering going out with someone I know I interested.
Again, I want to thank you, Jane, and the others in this commuity for there insight and advice and most of all support.
The beliefs I'm buying to find in a man is that if he's available, want him more
The last guy: this. Time last year all I wanted was to be in contact with this guy n see him more but he didn't have time to see me n said I'll let you by txt when I'll talk to u n I was the advanced person n said when will we talk next n he would say idk yet, I only saw him 3x (2x last year & 1x 19/01/14) and he removed me on NYE n I kept on falling into the trap where I wanted to make sure he didn't decline my friend request but he did all of Jan, n I thought why is he rejecting me if I like him a lot & I wanted to know what's going on until he ended the friendship on 4 February 14 n I kept looking back n forward to his profile to what's happening. Idk if that's called stalking, ppl say I'm stalking him but I don't feel like it n he's 27 n I'm 26
This new guy: I met him 3 weeks ago n been talking to this guy just about everyday n he's only 22 n I'm 26 & I've got a lot of things in common, he took me out 2day n I never knew it was a date, he asks me out n I nodded yes I can. I told him not to put the FB relation request up yet coz my parents n family might not accept me being with him n I told him I'll check with mum first n I don't want her to panic or break me up with guy she told me I should wait for February next year n see if I still like him, if I do then I will continue being his GF. I don't want my friends to think oh she's met someone new n now she's going out with him n known him 3 weeks. He txts me saying he misses me n I miss him n I get along so well.
Idk if age matters between me n the 2 guys? My beliefs are personalities & common things n friendship
Idk whether to tell him what mum told me or keep it a secret til feb n not put my martial status in a relationship with (name) or wait til feb even tho he's 4 years younger than me wheras last years guy was 1 year older n the 1 I saw today was romantic by holding hands, hugs n kisses n think of him each nite n my heart raced for him 2day n felt my pulse
Idk what to do anymore or where to go?
It's always wise to take your time with someone and really get to know them before assuming you're both on the same page, regardless of age. Age is just one of many factors that can determine just how compatible the two of you are, but if you take it slow and remember that you're the one doing the choosing, time will tell. There's never any rush with someone who's right for you!
It is a shame really that many of us have learned this along the way. We hear it from friends, family, culture. Better be wanted than alone. I have started listening to people around me, paying close attention and it is palpable how they settle. How they hang on to things and people that don't really care. I have done it myself. I kept thinking that him showing up and cuddling every weekend was something. How sad is that! I realize that it was never enough. Even when I settled for that I wasn't particularly happy or even happier than being all by myself. I also realize now that I don't love him. How can I love him when I don't even like him? He's a good person but we're just not compatible at all. I feel a little embarrassed to admit that at least he was smart enough to see we were ill-matched. It is unbelievable when I think about how it all went down. I was so blinded by my own fears and silly ideas that I didn't see his emotional unavailability, his own deep rooted issues, his own ideas of friendship and love that baffle me for being so foreign to me and so not in sync with what I truly believe. It would have been a disaster anyway if he had cared about me. The end result would have been the same: me being completely disatisfied. I still feel raw about everything but I see my own mistakes now. I didn't know women were able to fall in love with men they don't even like. I guess it's true what scientists say about women having adaptability and therefore having contributed to the survival of the human race. So much to learn. I'm glad my eyes are opening. Thank you again, Jane for helping us see more clearly what we so need to see!!
Exactly, Angel. It's always "unbelievable" when you look back - but it shows you just how far you've come! Don't ever be embarrassed - and especially not here! - this is how we grow and we come to open our eyes to see so much more than we could ever have seen before. By seeing yourself first for who you are and not who someone thinks or says you should be, you see the gold that lies underneath - that's you!
Thank you Angel for sharing your story, I`ve always felt so guilty for not reciprocating the love that my baby daddy gave me, everyone else is telling me that He is the only Man that ever loved me, yes I know that and I know that it is very true.....but the thing is I just can`t love him the way he does, I was not ready to commit to him like he was....the sad part is that every time when things don`t go so well in my relationships I always beat myself up and think that maybe I`m being punished for letting go of the only Man that has ever loved me. ...I`ve learnt so much from this community (Jane`s community) that the most important thing in life is to be true to yourself because you are the only one that has to live with the choices that you have made in your life.......I am so glad to have realized that I am not the only who has gone through all the ups and downs I have in my life, I`m glad I have crossed path with the most amazing and positive Women that you are all are...and as for Jane She is just an angel sent from above.
Thank you, Lolly. It's so inspiring to hear how much you're seeing these truths for yourself and learning so much here. That's exactly why I'm here!