Our beautiful friend, who has called herself "Hopeless Romantic", is wondering if she should just let go and move on or give her boyfriend of 8 years one more chance.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
My situation is a little complicated, I met this guy about 8 years ago.
He tried very hard to get my attention and win me over so we started dating very soon after we met. When we met he told me he had been in the army and that he was about to finish college only for me to find out that all this was a lie and he only said it to try to impressed me.
Regardless of this, I forgave him and we continued our relationship.
Within 8 months of dating, he proposed and I said yes. I was not ready to get married yet and he was not financially stable nor had finished college so we decided to have a long engagement. During the next 4 years we had wonderful memories and were planning for a future together, but we also had a few speed bumps where I caught him emailing another girl and telling her how much he loved her.
He said she was his cousin and that nothing ever happened so I took him back.
After I graduated college, we started planning the wedding but I always had a gut feeling that things were not quite right, I was the one making all the decisions and he was still not stepping up as a future husband to me. I decided to break the engagement and end the relationship, but I was devastated as I really loved him and for months he never stopped trying to win me back and letting me know he was waiting for me.
After 5 months apart we got back together, I moved out of my parents house and got an apartment and he would spend most of his time there with me.
None of my friends or family knew we were back together because I wanted to make sure the relationship was stable enough to tell everyone again and be able to justify my decision to get back with him. For about a year we kept our relationship on the low but he gave me an ultimatum and told me that I either talked to my parents about us, move in together and get engaged again or we should just end things.
It was a wake up call to me as I had this guy there ready to commit and start a family with me and I was taking him for granted. So I talked to my parents, friends, and started including him more into my life and making plans for our future again. I told him he had to go back to school and finish college as I was already working on my master's degree and wanted us both to have a good career and job to have a stable life.
Shortly after this, he started pulling away, making excuses to not spend time together, he would not spend the night and started going out with new friends and lying to me about it. I tried to talk to him and understand what was going on but he was very defensive and sometimes mean.
At the same time, my career took off, I got a promotion and started meeting new people and getting amazing new opportunities both academically and professionally, he always said he was proud of me and I believed it.
His odd behavior continued for months and in the last 6 months of our relationship he has broken up with me 3 times to only call me a few days/weeks later and tell me he wants to do things right and to please give him another chance. Things would be good for a few weeks and then he goes back to his old ways only for us to argue about it and him breaking up with me again.
During one of our arguments he admitted that he was interested in another girl but that their relationship was only over the phone, lasted 3 weeks and they never went out or nothing physical happened.
He begged for another chance and I accepted him again, things were "OK" for 3 weeks and he had agreed to move in with me and spend the holidays with me and my family.
Then on our anniversary he bailed on me and when I confronted him he told me he could not do this and broke up with me again over text, saying that I got too busy and "obsessed" with my career and education and that I decided to start graduate school instead of giving him the baby he has been wanting for years and that he got bored with me and the relationship, that I complained to much and wanted to control him and that he didn't feel the same way and that I deserve someone better.
I blocked him from my phone and social media as I was determined to move on after this.
Now a week later, he has been emailing me asking me to meet him to talk and work things out. I am deeply hurt by everything that has been going on, my friends tell me he is jealous and intimated by my successful career, education and independence and that he only wants to take advantage of me.
The worst part is that I have seen all the red flags since I met him 8 years ago, making excuses for this behavior and lack of responsibility and honesty but I always stood by his side and supported him through all the ups and downs. I know I should let go and move on but as soon as I feel my strength coming back, he shows up telling me all the things I want to hear, making promises and making me feel guilty for not giving him another chance.
It has been such an emotional roller coaster and this has caused me to fall into a depression in the last few months.
Now this is affecting my job, school and relationship with friends and family as I am constantly sad and anxious and I can't figure out how to get out of this relationship that is causing me so much pain.
I keep wondering if this is just a phase we are going through and that I should work things out instead of leaving him completely. So many years and energy has been invested in this relationship, I am close to turning 30 (him too) and I can't help but think that if I don't take him back I will never find anyone else and I am missing out on my chance to have a family.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Sincerely,
Hopeless romantic.
My Response:
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
We all have a story.
The one that keeps us living the way we do, believing that one day it will be different even if we don’t do anything different.
It won’t be the same story for all of us, but our own version of an even bigger one that we've bought into. But what it will be and do for us is the same regardless of who we are, where we’ve been or what we’ve gone through. It will be the story we tell ourselves is our truth.
And so in your letter you've answered your own question of what to do and where to go from here.
You see, deep down we always know what’s really going on, by simply looking beyond the complicated rest of the story that we can always find a way to attribute it to.
The simple truth is always there.
We just want it to be different. We want to find that single strand of hope that will allow us to stay with someone who isn't on the same page as we are, who doesn't want the same type of relationship as we do, even as the writing is clearly on the wall.
I know you want to see it. You want to see past the lies, past the emails, past the excuses, past the facts that you’re having a harder time denying. To see that there’s something salvageable there, something more than what there has been to build a committed relationship on.
You’re so not alone.
We've all wanted that at one time or another. But the reality that’s so hard to hear is the very one that you so need to hear. The one that says look at what his actions say. Look at the way he’s content to live his life. Look at what he can give you and what he can’t. Look at what you deserve and what you don’t.
I know it’s so much easier to keep working at something you've invested so much of your beautiful time and energy in already than to imagine the work of starting something new with someone else. I know it’s the last thing you want to do when you’re turning 30 and ready for the whole package and what you know seems so much more secure than the unknown of what you don’t know.
But there’s a different way of looking at this.
From a place of power instead of despair and hopelessness. From a place of hope, not in someone who’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless of what you want him to do, but in yourself, in whatever you believe in, and in life and love that are anything but hopelessly romantic, but have so much real hope to offer you.
It’s in this way that matters, one that aligns with you and who you are.
With your own beautiful hopes and dreams that are yours to take with you, not to leave with any particular him. It’s the way of feeling your own power, where you take your power back, where you choose to own your own choices and do what is best for you, not for anyone else but you. Where you look clearly at what you have and what you know about him and what you want.
Where you take out your list that has what you’re looking for on it and compare it with what he’s able to give you. And you decide if you can live with what he has to offer you or you can’t.
Because either you can or you can’t, Hopeless Romantic.
We can’t lie to ourselves when we already know the answer to that. We can’t keep pretending we can do this when in our heart of hearts we know we can’t. People don’t just change for someone else unless they’re motivated to themselves. There’s a reason why the greatest indicator of future behavior is someone’s past behavior, because it’s been proven time and time again.
When you say he isn't letting you move on because “he shows up telling me all the things I want to hear, making promises and making me feel guilty for not giving him another chance.”
You don’t have to buy into that.
You don’t have to take on that guilt that taps into an even bigger place about something else that has so much more to do with him than with you. You can choose what you want to believe, regardless of what he wants you to hear.
Because you know, Hopeless Romantic. And you know what you deserve even if you’re not sure you really do.
You do.
Make this time about you, not him.
Not what he says, but what you say.
Not what he wants but what you want.
It’s how we do this. It’s how we get to where we want to be, not just where we say we want to be. It’s how we take the “hopeless” part out of hopeless romantic and find the romance, the love, the life of our real dreams.
And there’s nothing hopeless about that.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other advice or words or encouragement for our dear friend "Hopeless Romantic"? Please share your thoughts with all of us in the comments!
Its so clear that there is a big gap between you two , he knew that more than you , and this educational and social gap makes him on and off with you and allows him to confess having other relationships with girls to make you leave him and not to feel guilty about it , because he is smart enough to know that you cant be together and its impossible to become a real pair and family . He is prepared and knows that one day you will leave him for not being the good man and father for your children , but you are still closing your eyes and fooling tourself and going back to him !! Its your fault not his , he gave you many reasons to leave him and you are still hanging on and waiting for him to come back!!!! I think you should stop it here and look at your age , your time , your life , he will not be honest with you because you walked very far away from him and he didnt even study for college . You are not meant to be together and if you will not understand this he will leave you and go for another girl who matches him and satisfies his pride . Look at your future and plan to date a man who can really be your mate . End this now and never look back if you think you are good enough and you have a real respect for yourself and your future !
It is so hard to come to realization of the relationships that we are in sometimes. Especially, when you have had so many hopes and dreams for this person who is supposed to be in our life forever. Sometimes I have so much love that I want to give I don't know where to put it. Then a small voice came to me and told me to give that love to myself.
How beautifully you've expressed this, Sophia. That's exactly where to put it! To the things you love, to the people who mean so much to you, to the causes and charities that are always looking for volunteers, to the animals and children that have never known love - there is such a rich abundance of places to give your love to if you are open to seeing them for what they can give back to you. Thank you so much for adding this to the conversation!
HI ive been there too ,but i i found the srenghth to get out ,realise what you deserve you can and will find a loving and respectful relationship ,dont wast your time on this onexx
Hi Jane, it was great hearing from you. I have let go of that past toxic relationship I was in. I have decided I deserve much better. I have had the good support of friends, and I am doing very well. Thankyou again for all of your advice and support. I am much happier now. Luisa xoxoxo
I'm so glad to hear this, Luisa. You do deserve much better! Thank you so much for the update - I love hearing from you! 🙂
As a therapist and someone who has had similar heartbreak, I agree with Jane regarding the necessity of self love. The other piece that I feel compelled to offer, and I actually haven't contributed here before, is this: I would be curious to know if this man has a drinking or addiction problem. Apart from that, I think that his behavior of acting out against you is representative of his own shame, meaning, he doesn't love himself. If he did, he wouldn't need to drag you down and the other truth is, if he doesn't love himself then he doesn't have the capacity to fully love you. I would also invite you to look at your desire to caretake in this situation. Often, as women, with sophisticated educations and huge hearts, choose men who we can "help." You deserve more sweetie. Ugh… I was with mine for 7 years and I did get married 🙁 I know how hard it is but I think the bottom line for you to know is that you are wonderful. You have given him multiple chances. You will not be able to change this in him. He will have to choose to change it himself. Thank him for his part in your journey and go find the man who will love you like you deserve to be loved. But first, as Jane brought forth, you have been invited to learn to truly love yourself first. Blessings. And I wish for you all the best. I will leave you with my favorite quote: "We must be willing to let go of the life that we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." It is true.
xo - nicole
Love this quote, Nicole; it's one of my favorites as well. Thank you for sharing it here again. You've added some great insight to this conversation, and I so appreciate your contribution. When you've been there - when you've been through the "going through" part - you understand in a way that no one else can. It is so true! 🙂
Hi Nicole,
Thank you for your insight into all this, you make a few key points that hit home for me. I have always been the caregiver of the relationship, the one "rescuing" him when he got in trouble. He was never abusive verbally or physically but he would definitely take advantage of my willingness to help in the form of favors or financially. He rarely drinks or goes out partying so I don't think there might be an issue with drug or alcohol overuse but he does have a problem with money. Overspending, making late payments, accounts going into collection, borrowing money from friends or me and never paying it back, etc. I have always wondered why he has such bad and irresponsible habits with money and have questioned if he is into gambling or other type of addictive behavior but I was never able to confirm this. I have always seen his potential and that potential and hope of him to see him the way I see him is what kept me there for so many years, because I truly believed that with enough support and encouragement from me he could finally develop his full potential. I agree that I have a lot of work to do in regards to self-love and my perception of what I deserve, this is why I finally took the courage to schedule an appointment with a therapist and will start seeing her next week. Thank you very much for your feedback and words of encouragement!
-Amy
Amy-
I read these words and was wondering if I wrote them myself. My ex, who I mentioned above, is so irresponsible and so unstable, He had over 20 jobs and 10 cars in the 12 yrs I knew him. He couldn't commit to anything in life, so it is no wonder he couldn't commit to me. I bailed him out financially all the time. He owes me 1200 dollars, and I am sure I won't see that money ever again. I will never lend another man money again. He never helped pay rent or groceries and then went out and bought a Mercedes Benz. Lied about how much the monthly payments were. If we were to stay with these men we would be saving them the rest of our lives while losing ourselves in the process!
I can completely relate to your story. I ended things with my ex fiance of 12 yrs back in February. I can't even count the amount of times he broke up with me or packed up and moved out. In the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. He is very unstable and made no effort for me or a relationship. He was manipulative and played the victim card all the time. The hardest thing for me to do was to walk away. I struggled for many months. We would text but nothing more. Then out of nowhere I stopped hearing from him. I found out, four months after we ended, that he was already in a relationship. I was devastated. It was the worst pain I have ever gone through. I have not been the same since, but I get up every day and try to move forward. I haven't heard from him in exactly 7 months today.
I completely lost any self esteem I had from that relationship. I hung on for fear of being alone and fear of not ever having children with someone. But, like Jackie said above, what would I have done when he "packed up" and left me and our kids. Because he would have. These types of relationships are difficult because it becomes like a drug. He was my drug of choice and I would keep going back for the highs. I was trapped in a vicious cycle where one day he loved me and the next he wanted nothing to do with me. One day, we will take off the rose tinted glasses and see them for who they really are. Hang in there- you are definitely not alone!
Thank you for sharing your story, Missy. It's heartbreaking when it's happening to you. We can go back for those highs for such a long time, taking a toll on our self-esteem each and every time we convince ourselves we can do something, we can be with someone who we know somewhere in our heart of hearts we can never be truly happy with living on his terms like we try to do. Of course you can't be the same, but if you can find out what was so attractive about that drug, what kept drawing you back to not just anyone, but to him, you can find that same thing in yourself so that you can give it to you. It is a cycle, but when you can put this in the perspective that reveals why he can move on so quickly - because he's not capable of loving like you are, you can see your own beautiful qualities of loving and giving and caring like you do for the powerful strengths they are - don't change this part of you for anything. Just save it for someone who adores this in you!
He is not ready to settle down. Like you I was in a relationship with much heartbreak about breaking up going back breaking up. I finally decided I have to move on and Jane is right put the romantic and take the hopeless out.
Thanks, Jane for the words of encouragement.
Thank you, Catherine.
One more thought that I had is regarding you thinking your missing a chance to have a family with him, think about this and it is...you will not want your kids to go through what you are going through now with him, bailing out on them, for example: wondering where their dad is and when he will be back home...
Wow, that's a powerful way to think of this, Jackie, relating to the children we can imagine having with this person. Thank you for adding this!
Thank you for bringing this up, Jackie. My friends keep telling me I dodged a bullet by not marrying him exactly because of this. I would not want my kids to go through the same pain and emotional instability I've been going through.
Thank you very much, Jane and everyone for the encouragement! I woke up this morning to all your wonderful words of support. It has been a couple of weeks since I saw or talked to him and every day I get a little stronger, cutting off communication and staying firm in my decision to not contact him or engage with him in any way has helped me tremendously. It is amazing how much peace you start feeling once you decide to get away from toxic situations. I have a great support system of friends and family, a job that I love and most importantly I am slowly regaining my peace of mind and self-esteem. This site has helped me tremendously to find the strength I need to cut the cord, walk away and realize I have a choice and that if we were truly "meant to be" all this would not be happening.
Thank you again very much for the kind words and support! Taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for your update, Romantic. I'm so glad you're feeling the love and support from everyone here for you! You always do have a choice! I'm so glad you're seeing how empowering it can be when you remember this and come from that place of choosing for yourself the most loving thing you can do for you, even if it seems so difficult at the time. Keep us posted. 🙂
Dear "hopeless romantic",
As I was reading your story your feelings of hurt, frustration and anguish really came through because you have a good grasp of your feelings and really know how to express yourself. I have heard that saying "if you love someone set them free, if they come back, they're yours; if they don't they never were", well how many more times can that be done without you being hurt and hopeful time and again. How many times have you set him free time and again. that saying should be " If you love someone set Him free, if He comes back, nobody else wanted Him either, so set Him free once and for all". My thoughts and prayers are with you as you journey forward.
Loved your improved version of the saying, Jackie. I'm stealing it and it's going on my wall of reminders. Lol. Hugs
Very true, maybe he keeps coming back because whatever (or whoever) he has going on on the side does not want him either.
Thank you!!
Well said, Jackie. Thank you!
Jane is so right about standing in your own power and making it about what you want, deserve and need to be happy in your life and a relationship. He keeps doing this because he can, he knows you will always be there (his fall back plan so to speak) to take him back and will continue to treat you this way unless you stand firm and just say NO, it's not what I want for me and I'm moving on in my life. Then do it. If he truly means everything he says, then his actions would support, align, match his words but they don't. He says one thing and does another. He knows exactly what to say to hook you and reign you in every time. You always have the power of choice to accept or not accept what someone is offering you at the time. It is not what you want in your life and out of a relationship so stand by your decision and feelings, don't feel bad about it, don't settle for less. You will find someone truly worthy of you and your heart. Embrace this opportunity to walk through the new open doors and adventures waiting ahead for you.
Hopeless Romantic,
First, there is hope for you still. Yes, even in your 30's too. I'm 48 going on 49 and my other half is significantly older than I am.
Given that you still have plenty ahead of you in life, both from the perspective of finding a solid relationship and from being able to start your own family, do not let this one guy ruin you or cause you more grief than you need to be experiencing. Regardless from how many opportunities you have given him and your relationship to work themselves out, he clearly has failed to hold up his end of the bargain even once from what I've gathered from you've written. And that is not good. As Jane is quite often fond of saying, and indeed so very true and correct, it simply cannot be just you that wants things to work. He has to be on exactly the same page with you on how the story will end and how the story will go. And that story can only be built on trust and honesty, the latter of which it seems he clearly cannot follow through upon.
Don't make yourself any more miserable than you have already been. Live your own life, on your own terms and choose somebody who wants to choose a life being with you.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Eric. "Don't make yourself any more miserable than you have already been. Live your own life, on your own terms and choose somebody who wants to choose a life being with you." - I couldn't agree more!
More than happy to add to the conversation Jane. Had it not been for working with you, I might not be able to see things for what they are and can be. But more importantly, working with you, and I strongly urge the others who read the blog, if you can make it work, do so, because Jane has given me the ability to see things in a differently light. One from strength rather than weakness. And recognizing our own inner strength is what enables us to pick ourselves up and carry on in life and in relationships so that we can lead the life we all deserve.
" ...from strength rather than weakness. And recognizing our own inner strength is what enables us to pick ourselves up and carry on in life and in relationships so that we can lead the life we all deserve." - So glad you've been able to experience the truth of these words for yourself, Eric. And thank you so much for your kind words!
Run! Don't walk!! No matter what time you've invested, 8 years is way less than the rest of your life with someone who is playing head games with you. Don't worry that you are 30 years old, you have all kinds of time the right person for you is out there and as long as you keep wondering about this one, you may be letting opportunities to meet him pass you by. I am newly turned 40, just out of a relationship with a man who absolutely smothered me to death to move in with him because he just couldn't live without me. And 6 months later, cooled right off to the point where I would have to initiate almost all physical contact. He is not a talker and kept insisting that everything was fine. I moved out a couple months ago, and he told me that he still wanted to be with me, that we would be ok. And just 2 nights ago he admitted that he doesn't love me like he used to, and hasn't for quite a while. My point In telling you this is that I kept hoping it would be ok, but deep down I knew, I just didn't act on my hunch. So what I'm saying to you is act on your guy feelings. This guy sounds like a manipulative whack job, sorry if that hurts you. I am 40, and just had a lady try to set me up with her son, because she wants grand kids fast! Lol
Trust me, you will find someone else, just spend some time doing what makes you happy, try some guided meditations to help get you out of your funk, good walking and tell yourself how great you are and that are worthy to have a man who respects and appreciaes you. In 5 years you'll look back on this and wonder what the heck you were thinking 🙂 I promise!! Lol
"My point In telling you this is that I kept hoping it would be ok, but deep down I knew, I just didn't act on my hunch." - Thank you for sharing your story, Naomi. Your experience lends so much to this conversation!
This line really resonated with me: "So many years and energy has been invested in this relationship, I am close to turning 30 (him too) and I can't help but think that if I don't take him back I will never find anyone else and I am missing out on my chance to have a family."
After a couple years in a relationship I remember being terrified to leave because of the fear of starting all over from zero, or even worse, the fear that I would never find anyone else. Eventually I realized that I deserved better, that i deserved somebody who was genuinely into me, and that chasing and bending backwards for someone isn't healthy, or sustainable, or real. That was six years ago though, and I haven't found anyone since then, and I'm 30 now. I hate to say it but sometimes our fears are true.
Hi Sky,
I can imagine why you would think that. I have many times. I do think that if we cling to our fears then that's exactly what is going to happen. Or we can always look at ourselves very objectively like a detective would to find out what's holding us back from creating what we want. Because we can. Just like we are here now and have manifested so much in our lives, we can manifest love and a family. Sometimes it seems hopeless but I assure you, we have the power to create beyond our fears. We have to commit to making things happen and refuse to stay in fear. Something tells me you are one brilliant woman who can get everything she wants. Just find the place of possibility you have inside you and cling to that one. Lots of love to you.
Thanks for sharing, Sky11. I know how hard it can be to make sense out of what should have been with what is. Sometimes our fears are true, and sometimes, there's more to our story. Sometimes, what we discover in those years where it seems like the inevitable has happened, something worth so much more has occurred. We may discover who we really are, what we're really looking for, and we may find that what it is we actually want is different from what we once thought it was. It's why no one can choose for you, no one can tell you what to do. Because this is about each of our own unique lives, and only you can know what you can live with and what you can't. Don't fight those feelings of fear, of disappointment, of injustice for what "should" have been. There's still something beautiful underneath.
Sounds like something I went through for many years and what made me see the light was someone saying "he's living a dual life". I provided the consistency and I guess someone else the excitement? Some people are never satisfied with what they have until its gone & they try again. Well I got tired of being Mrs Reliable and just decided to accept the truth. After over 2 years and through no fault of my own (I live across the street from a church now and he was at a funeral and saw me) we are conversing. I know what type of a person he is and I don't want to be his partner anymore. So this phrase helped me “You never find yourself until you face the truth” – Pearl Bailey. Hope this helps
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Joan, and for this quote ... “You never find yourself until you face the truth” – Pearl Bailey. - It is so very true!
You don't have to sacrifice your happiness just to please a long time boyfriend. He is playing with your feelings, the best way to get him out of your life is to cut off all communications with him. You deserve some one better!
Thanks for your input, Lilian!