Inspiration often comes to us in the least expected ways.
Just the other day I received one of those funny emails that get sent around from my sister, this one about what the small town (or at least what used to be a small town) where I spent most of my childhood in Canada is known for. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's reputation is not nearly as idyllic as my memories of it are.
Anyone who knows me well understands just how idealistic I can be, a trait that has undoubtedly contributed in a huge way to the dating patterns I had in my former single life.
So the fact that I'm always trying to convince my husband that moving back to this beautiful little place where I grew up, complete with all of the wonderful memories it holds for me, is the absolute best thing for our whole family shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.
He's never quite convinced because as great of a place it sounds like when I describe it, he too knows this idealistic side of me well and often reminds me that I have this pattern of seeing only the potential of a place, instead of the reality of what is.
Sound familiar? It is.
Just back then, like so many of us, I was always falling in love with his potential.
So as I was reading the email, I was able to gently laugh at myself. The description of this little place I grew up in was not anything like my wonderful memories, but when it was laid out in front of me – however exaggerated it was for its purpose – I couldn't deny that there was quite a bit of truth to it.
I just saw it in a whole different light when I was relying on my memories about it, and the feelings and emotions that went with those memories. Memories that belong to a different time and place, and a different person that I was back then.
And as I was contemplating all this – and hoping my husband hadn't seen the email lest it fly in the face of my pro stance towards our big "someday" move back there – I realized just how much we all do this. And how it affects so much of what we see and what we think about, and what we don't see and don't think about.
We idealize what's comfortable.
What we call love is often the last thing that love really is. If it's comfortable - familiar- we become incapable of seeing it for what it really is. We can't see the way we're really being treated – that's it's anything but love, the way it's triggering us to fall back on our old familiar patters – that these patterns are anything but loving to our beautiful selves. So instead we stay and try and stay some more and try some more, doing the same things over and over and accepting the same treatment all because it's all too familiar.
It's why we keep falling for what we think is our type. It's why we put so much stock in that oh so elusive spark.
It feels loving to us, because it's what we're used to getting. It feels like the real thing, because it puts us back in that same familiar, comfortable position. It doesn't matter if we're on the begging end, doing all the chasing, doing all the work, putting our needs last if it's familiar. We feel safe with familiar. We feel comfortable with the same familiar surroundings. We don't know any better and we don't know any different.
But the funny thing about that kind of comfort level is that it keeps us staying right where we are. It keeps us settling for nothing more than we've been getting.
It takes courage to break out of the familiar. It takes a willingness to feel that inner cringe of coming out of our comfort zones to see the reality of what is from the fantasy that we so want it to be.
I get this! I did it, too.
And, as you can see, I'm still falling into the same trap in other areas of my life. But if you're willing to question your reality, if you're willing to question where it all comes from and what it all says, and what it really means to you, you can find that courage within yourself to see the kind of reality we're talking about here.
The kind of reality that releases you from these patterns that seem so strong, so hard to break.
The kind of questioning that frees you from those rose-colored glasses that keep you from letting go of what isn't serving you anymore and are only keeping you from what you're really looking for in the long run.
I never said it was easy. In fact, I'm a great example of just how hard it can be!
But it can happen, and it will happen if you start right where you are with open eyes and an open mind willing to see the forest from the trees. Willing to run the risk of being wrong about the ideals you've been clinging to that have only been hurting you and keeping you from having and living the most amazing life that's possible for all of us.
It's time to change this.
It's time to wake up and see what's really there. It's time to call it what it is and stop trying to squeeze water from stones. It's time to stop seeing anything but the reality of what is.
Your idealism is a beautiful thing, but use it for the things that won't take advantage of it and hurt you with it like you're hurting right now. You won't see it, you can't see it, until you choose to.
How about you - what traps do you find yourself falling into over and over again? Tell us in the comments!
Whoa.. This article spoke to my current situation.. Thank you so much.... It brought tears to my eyes.. In a good way.. I have been struggling with letting go to what i thought was good for me.. Love.. Now i know it was just familiar and comfortable.. I held on to the hope he would give me what i needed.. He can't... I held on to a fanasty.... Now i know... I can let go of whats been hurting me.... Thank you so much..
You're so welcome, Gina. We live for that fantasy. We'll do anything to make it come true. And ironically, it's only by stepping away from it long enough to see it for what it really is that we can ever have the hope of something real coming true.
I am in that position of settling. It's very frustrating. I'm 47 and left my husband 7 years ago. Like all marriages it had its good times and bad. But the last few years was not very good, he stepped out of the marriage for another person. I tried for a year and a half before I stood up and said I'm done. He wouldn't try and be that man after that, the one I fell for. I never tried to change him, I honestly loved him for him. But he didn't feel the same for me. For 7 years I've fallen for the same type. 3 relationships and the men were very nice men, but they didn't want the one who didn't want to change them and supported them. I have my own life, 2 daughters and just wanted to share my life and enjoy exploring. I'm still seeing #3 and I'm almost ready to give up.
You're seeing it, Connie; that's the biggest part of all! To recognize that they're all the same type means you know what that is and what it looks like, and what it can't give you. You can give up on them, but don't give up on you. There's so much more that's meant to come for you!
Hi Jane,
It so refreshing to get your email. its like ,that's me, that's me again and again when it comes to the same old pattern of familiarity and its true, its comfortable but so painful at the same time cause I am acting out what I think they want me to be so I can get the love and care I need from them but never do cause I'm not being my true self, like I am two people, it's always the same way I use to act with my Dad growing up as he was very emotionally unavailable.
I am 45 and have been stuck in the same pattern for years.. when will my brain get it and when will I recognise
Mr right ..
Megan
oh I so hear you, Megan! But look at what you've written here - you're seeing this! You're seeing this pattern, this being what someone else wants you to be to be loved that you've learned so well as a young girl. You've got the first part - the recognition. The rest is just around the corner. To catch yourself when you're about to go there, to be anyone else but your beautiful true self.
Find her. Get to know her well so that there's no mistaking who she is, what she's all about, what she likes to do, where she likes to go, and what brings out the best in her. Feed her well with all the things that her heart and soul need so that she won't be tempted to go running into the arms of the ones who promise so much yet deliver so little.
When you're the real thing, Megan, you'll find the real thing waiting for you. One step, one aha moment like this at a time. It's how we all get there in our own time and way.
I have been Madley in love with the wrong guy for the past 3 years. I have refused to see all the wrong things that he does and the bad person he is! I just need to fall out and leave I hope anyone he can help me to forget about this person! 🙁
Shift all the focus on him, all the thinking and overthinking you do about him to you, Te. Your use of the term "madly in love" is so true. It doesn't make sense for us to call it love when it's anything but love, but until we're ready to see the difference between the two and resolve ourselves to doing the most loving thing we can do ourselves, everything stays the same. You have to want to. You have to be ready to. No one can make you forget about him, except the conscious decision to see him for who he is, to see yourself for who you are and what you're looking for, and to see whether the two of you are compatible in the ways that really matter. Find your story, find out what's really keeping you there. When you know what that is, you can finally release yourself and move on to the one person that is worth so much more than this; you.
Dear Jane,
Several months ago I questioned you about staying friends with my ex. In the mean time my situation with my ex completely chanced and I kept you updated about his infidelity, about the disrespect and the hurt he caused.
Tomorrow I will leave my home to work and live abroad for more than half a year. A neutral area where I can come to my senses and figure out what is it that I want. I liked what you wrote: "But if you're willing to question your reality, if you're willing to question where it all comes from and what it all says, and what it really means to you, you can find that courage within yourself to see the kind of reality we're talking about here".
I still do not hate my ex, I am trying to forgive. I will not forget the pain anytime soon. But by leaving and and follow a new journey I hope to learn again how I should be treated.
One of my favourite movies: Eat love and Pray shows that it takes courage to leave or break patterns and face your emotions while making inner peace with yourself.
A new exciting life starts. I hurts to leave town and I have to let go of my situation without closure or apology. Maybe he will maybe realise that this time I am truly gone, it may open his eyes showing that I did not deserve this and I pray for him that he will find what he wants because living in lies cannot make anyone happy in the long run! All I know that my time will come and I will find my way and if something is meant to be it will happen sooner or later.
Thank you Jane for all your inspiration and your efforts!
Just look at how far you've come, Isa! Here you are now with this new opportunity, ready to begin a new exciting life in a neutral place with a fresh start. You know more of what you want and don't want, and now you're going to have some time and space to put it all together. You are so much more courageous than you even realize, and you will come through this so much stronger than you ever knew you were. Enjoy this time of your life; this is your time to create the one you want for yourself!
Yes it is familiar for me too . Great article & I like to read that you are experiencing
This on your own. I mean in your own way Jane, an example from your own life..
I have had dreams about my ex.. My great first love. I texted him to meet. Because I was dreaming
And thinking about him. I really had this feeling "wooow i must ser him"..
So we did . I invited him for a friendly date. Told him how much he meant then for me .
we met and I felt normal... Not "wooow"...
We just talked and talked. He kissed me. But told me
He was dating another lady .. I could not say anything, because
i am dating too others.
But as I left I felt this stupid feeling. I was like idealizing him & our past.. And daydreaming
That maybe it would be something... Maybe we would feel the spark and go dating further.
I had a bad doubt that he was interested. I was second guessing.
But i left with a feeling.. Oke it can go left and right ( again insecurities , which he gave me..
Always!!!)
Now I feel really stupid going with him a few days ago. I feel like a donkey!
Because he did not even call or text. Neither did I. It is like my ego has cracked.
The cliche question: how come he did not call?
What was it good for seeing eachother..
I was idealizing my past love & missing a partner in my life. I think
i am afraid somewhere in my heart that i will not find "him/love" ..
And made me run towards him.
I know in my mind, fear will get me nowhere. How do I tell
My hear to not fear. There is a love for me out there. It is not my ex.
If he was, he would be here next to me.
How do I tell my heart to not fear, to be open & see what comes!?
Just made me sad and feelin stupid.
So yes breaking a bad habit, what a hard lesson for me! Really hard!
Oh how I hear you, Maris! We go, we meet them, we see them, because we want to finally get the answers to our questions or because we want to see if anything has changed, and then when we see them and talk to them and see nothing has changed and there is nothing more to be gotten from them, the reality of how one-sided this really is hits us full on. Nothing has changed, nothing is different, and yet there we are, with our hearts and souls on the line yet again. We do this to ourselves so well even though we think we can see it for what it is, we don't. Because we are such hopeful, idealistic souls! What else could we expect? And so, yes, that "sad and feeling stupid" feeling is so familiar. You're so not alone here, Maris; we all do this so well.
Your stories always touch me deep inside and over the past several months
have heightened my awareness to my emotions and those around me.
It has brought me a level of calm which has allowed me to focus on what is on hand
what I truly see and how others affect me. In response, I have applied this knowledge, your stories
and the stories that are shared to bring me where I am today.
I've met a kind man, who would have not been my "type" in the past, and I have been able to
open my heart slowly with awareness and love. I am truly myself and enjoy as it continues to unfold.
Thank you !
Thank you for sharing, Angela, and for your kind words. You have no idea how much it inspires me to hear that you've opened your heart "slowly with awareness and love" to the type of man we so often only become open to when we've done our own work on ourselves! Enjoy being your true beautiful self knowing that this is exactly how the change we're looking for begins.
Angela
repost"I have been able to open my heart slowly with awareness and love"
i love this statement ..i know and i believe that one day i learn to TRUST the LOVE again:( slowly with awareness and trust.
You know this really touched me. I will be reading it a few more times to fully digest what it means to me and pairing it with scripture to really bring it to light. I'm in the process of relocating for a new relationship and potential marriage and have mixed feelings about it, not the man himself, but relocating... It's a big deal!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Able. Take your time. When it's your life, your home, your move it's always a big deal!
I think this is just what I needed to hear! I've been in this up and down relationship for 4 years and I just lost who I was. I was on my own for some years and I met him on a dating site, we lived different countries and he came to visit me first, we hit it off, I joined him a few months later but there was lots of issues with the ex and his grown up kids who ruled the roost and manipulated him. Cut a long a painful short I stayed and left 4 times but this time he promised a life with just us I believed him but his grown up son who's 26 completely manipulated him and played games where he was the victim of me! We were supposed to move to another place where we could be alone for the first time in our relationship but I wasn't aware he had promised his son that he could come too, I was very hurt by this because I had stayed through all sorts and honestly thought it's now our time but it wasn't meant to be. I told him I won't be joining him and I told him I couldn't live this life anymore because he just couldn't see what was happening but he left anyway and I stayed behind. After a couple of weeks he was begging me to join him saying he had made a mistake and shouldn't have left and could finally see what and why I stayed. I told him I have no faith of trust in him and I don't think he realises the pain he caused by leaving. He wants us to move somewhere on our own in / months when the lease runs out from both our places and yes when I think of it I would love too because I've struggled with all of this and what's happened, it's been over 4 months since he left and I haven't made friends etc and spend most of my time thinking of what could've been etc but reading your post has maybe triggered something in me. What am I really missing ??? He left and put his needs and his sons needs before us? I'm afraid I buckle. I've told him I can't leave here with just words and I don't want games but one minute he's sorry for what he did and on the other hand makes all excuses. Now he has gone silent and not contacting me but yet claims he loves me and is miserable without me? Help me please
It doesn't sound like you're missing anything about him, Sandy. Because in 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, you know them and the situation well enough to know what he can offer you and what he can't. You've had 4 years of knowing what you can expect. This type of push and pull where you pull away and he wants you more, then you come closer and he knows he has to deliver and pulls away with the words that keep you hanging on tell the real story. But it's one you have to see for yourself. It's about what you can really live with and what you can't.
"It's been over 4 months since he left and I haven't made friends etc and spend most of my time thinking of what could've been etc" - To the detriment of ourselves and our own lives we do this far too often. "What could've been" is what he's allowed to happen. It always takes two to have a relationship like this, Sandy. You can't make it be the way you want it to be without him wanting that same thing, too. Start making some friends, start creating a life of your own - for you! And every time you're tempted to think about "what could have been", remind your beautiful self of what actually is. Can you live with that?
but that's the thing Jane I do think and miss him but to be honest my head tells me he won't change but my heart keeps me hoping. His last txt to me was about my problem finding because he wants me to join him and I keep saying no because he left and as much as it hurt I let him, I've told him words are not enough and if he truly wants me with him he will make it happen, he told me it's not just down to him he wants the same from me. I told him I stayed through it all good and bad and I don't believe I have anymore to prove to you, he says he loves me and wants me with him but I have to stop putting obstacles up all the time. You just don't know how happy I was to receive a reply from you, it was like wow someone does care enough to read my message!!! I'm afraid of giving in because I have to admit there are times I think well maybe this is it and I am 47 ....
Don't do anything because you're afraid of giving in, Sandy. There is no "this is it" unless you want it to be. It's so easy to turn things around on you, especially when you're conflicted yourself. You need to become clear with what you want, with what you can live with and what you can't This isn't a stranger; this is someone you've had a long time to get to know. Someone who truly wants this to work will meet you there and work this through together. There are no rules when it comes to love, there is no giving in, there is only loving yourself enough to do what is the most loving thing you can do for you. If you don't know what that is, ask yourself what gives you the greatest sense of peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Do that. You're the one who has to be able to live with yourself.
Thank you jane I will read your article over and over and the other posts too because as I said earlier this just hit me and I needed to hear this .... You are right I have never really allowed me to love me that's alien to me as for most of my life I've been the fixer but there is something inside telling me I deserve better than a relationship of fighting for my place
It is for most of us, Sandy. In fact, we're told it's selfish and led to believe that it's the opposite of how we "should" be. No more fixing the ones who aren't right for us. It keeps them staying on far too long as our "projects", and robs you of so much of your self-esteem, your confidence, your "you". You're not here to "fight for your place", Sandy. When it's right, there's no "fighting" for places involved.
Yes over the last 10 months n kept falling into this same trap like giving a guy 3-4 texts a day everyday n there would be a time he wouldn't reply back but I kept trying to give him a txt to make him reply back n when it comes to new guys I always shy when I meet them then 2 months later I settle, it happens to me everytime. Since he said thanks.... On his birthday in a fb msg I thought hmm I wonder if he's changed now I left him alone for 5 months. During the 5 months I changed myself, if I had a 2nd chance of friendship with this guy I would do less texting, less chase n let him do all the texting n asking me would u like to catch up etc n last week I chose not to add him as a friend until New Year's Day 2015. So that way I've got a break n he gets a break n spend loads of time as friends, hoping it doesn't end up like jan 14 where nothing happened. I thought if I add him last week he may be busy for next 5 months n my heart says he would be bcoz everyone is busy between October - New Year's Eve. I want him to see the new me n I'm gonna show him by not giving contact either way for the next 6 months. He was a very gentle guy back at the time. I can still send him a msg by fb inbox. I'm gonna wait til he gives me Facebook friend request n msg on it. Idk if he's still blocked my number or has unblocked it. Idk if I should give him a Xmas msg on Xmas day/eve
It's huge that you were able to see what you wanted to change about yourself and make those changes, Courtney! Now you can take these things you've learned and apply them to a fresh new relationship with someone who wants to be with you, who you take your time to get to know before assuming he's worth your time and energy - your you! - in the first place. You're not here to prove yourself to someone or convince them of why they should want to be with you; you're here to be loved for you in every loving sense of the word!