Here's a letter from our reader, Ria, that really summarizes one of the questions we all seem to ask ourselves at one point or another (and some of us, myself included, too many times): How can I make him love me?
Her email:
We are almost going to breakup. How can I make him realize that I was the one he wants to be with and he loves? We've been together for 11 months.
My Response:
Dear Ria,
Yours is just one of hundreds of letters I receive from women asking essentially the same thing. While your words may be different, and your situations unique, what you are asking is really the same thing.
How can I make him see that I’m the one for him?
How can I convince him that he should want to be with me?
How can I prove to him that he should choose me?
We think it’s simply a matter of knowing the right words or actions – some elusive secret – to making him see what we know is best for the two of us, and suddenly everything will be so much better and we can move on to our happily ever after!
It’s what we've been brought up with – the fairy tale.
It’s what we've been told is how we prove our worthiness – by “getting” a man to fall madly in love with us. After all, isn't that our role as a woman? – we ask.
It’s what we've been trying to do ever since our first love didn't quite work out as planned - that first one with our father.
It’s what our culture, the media, the popular dating resources - and the people in our lives who keep asking us why we’re still single and why we can’t get a man? - are all expecting of us.
And yet this isn't the way love is. This isn't the way it happens. This has everything to do with control and manipulation and nothing to do with love in the truest sense of the word.
And so any formula, or secret, or rules of doing this and doing that to “make” someone love you and want to be with you, isn't going to bring you the kind of real love you’re looking for.
In fact, the opposite is true.
When we pretend to be something we’re not, when we follow a script instead of being ourselves, when we put all our time and energy into playing god and pretending that we know best for ourselves much less someone else, we take all the love out of something that we’re trying to put into it in the first place!
If someone is right for you, Ria, this is exactly how you’ll know. He’ll be on your page, he’ll want the same thing you want, he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You won’t be the only one who wants this to work; so will he! You can’t do this alone; it has to come from him as much as you.
This is how you know!
It’s his lack of commitment that tells you what page he’s on and that’s it’s not the one you’re on.
It’s his lack of commitment that shows you clearly that he can’t do this, that he’s not what you imagined him to be in your own mind, that spells it out so clearly that your best response is to stop hanging on so tightly to someone who can’t give you what you want from him.
It’s his lack of commitment that saves you from anymore heartbreak from any greater investment of your beautiful heart and soul than you already have in him.
It’s the only way so many of us will ever see this for ourselves; because it comes from him, not us. We can’t see it for ourselves, and yet it’s the universe, God or whatever we call it looking out for us and showing us something in the only way we’ll see in the only form we’ll believe.
He’s not the one for you!
I know you want to believe you know better. I know how much you believe he’s the one. But if he were, you wouldn't be asking these questions. You would simply know. Because if he were, he would be there. You wouldn't have to make him see. You wouldn't have to make him be. He would see - and be - all on his own. He would see of his own accord. He would choose to be with you because he would want to be with you!
All of this fighting and struggling and trying to control him and the situation? Don’t fight it. Accept it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you remember you don’t ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
And if he gets there? Don’t hold your breath; keep on living your own life and focusing on you and the ones who want to be with you. If he does, you’ll be the first to know.
Love,
Jane
Hi ria,
How r u?????
I think if u make him jealous he will realise ur value
hey guys dats a true talk.....i hav a same problem here & i need some advice,i date thz guy 4 a month when we were in th relationshp i askd him wat happened wit his ex galfrnd he expland evrythng although it wasn't dat bad.after a week of knowin each other he started askin abut 2 to hav his baby i said no,coz it wasn't a right time 4 us...& aftr 2days he askd me to slep with me...i refused untill 1 sunday he came @ my house,he was drunk & he forced me to slep wit him i refused until he didn't by force & it was like a rape & after dat day hav bin feeling nauseous.& after 2days we had sex he came 2 tell me dat his ex girlfrnd z pregnant & we cnt continue th relationshp so we can just be frnds.am getn scared wat if i get pregnant as well.what should i do coz it so frastrutd & painful... 🙁
Stay far, far away from anyone who asks you to "have his baby", Wendy. There's so much more to getting to know someone, to finding out if you're truly on the same page and want the same thing with each other, before you should even consider being in any kind of relationship with them, let alone sleeping with them. You're the prize; don't even consider giving yourself away before you've made sure someone is worthy of you. Don't let anyone in your house, in your bed, let alone your life who isn't! You deserve so much more than this.
You know everything is all wrong when you hear the words "make", "convince" or "prove". Love is natural. No forcing or manipulating necessary.
Make peace with the fact that he should be the one winning you over, and that if he's not doing the work, it's time to walk away. It's a very liberating thought once you really believe it and accept it. My big question to women out there is....why do we need to work to win a man over? A man who wants to be with you will never ever ever need you to work for it, because he will want to work for it, because he is the man, and because men WANT to do the work to win us over. Mind you, this should not be confused with the work that is required from us women whilst in a healthy relationship in order to maintain a loving bond with a man. And even at that level, the work is very two sided and equal, when it is a truly healthy relationship.
So well said, Sarah; exactly!
What do you think of all those many, many products sold out there like "the modern siren" for example who promise to teach skills and secrets to get a man to commit or move close again after he withdraws, etc. using energy tools, feeling messages and much more. It all sounds so convincing and like they really know their stuff, but what is the truth? In the end, if they really don't want to be with me....can that really be changed by me?
Unless it comes authentically from you, acting a certain way or being something you're not is never sustainable, Sigrid. It has to come from you. If it inspires you to become who and what you want to be, then take your inspiration from whatever inspires you to realize you're already her, you already have everything you need inside you. But if you're only pretending to be something you're not, you're missing the whole point of dating; to get to know someone better to find out if you're both on the same page. It's never about playing hard to get, it's about being authentically, genuinely, confidently hard to get!
Jane I so agree why force someone to love you, he has to want to, want to be with you and only you. Because in the end if you do try and succeed you won't be happy because he won't be in it all the way like you. I rather be with someone who wants me, All of me, and adores me. I will never understand the point of chasing men let him pursue you, you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone, if he can't accept you then don't worry move on and trust me there is someone out there for you. Trust and believe he may not come when you want him to, but he will. If he wants you he knows what to do to get you. Men know what to do to make a woman happy, they know what most women want its not rocket science.
Wow Mary I couldn' agree with you more, this is exactly what I needed to hear this morning! Its time we stop this chasing and let things be like the saying which goes "if a Man wants to be with you nothing can keep Him away"
Exactly, Mary!
Jane its sad there are men and women who do this. I am not sure if thos os a city culture due yo the rush life and stress and a lot of choice. Men seem to do this. What happened to our generation? Why was there more loyalty commitment true love in the older generation and now we live in a generation of instant gratification. Where people just move from one relationship to the next. Or they quit. Why are men doing this. I still like to believe im natire that true loyal love exists. Its just sad and scary how this keeps happening.
I wish there was more common sense and love to these men to wisen up. To be more honest with their intention. Oh lord give us a break and send the right one already
This I kept wondering before. I don't know if this is the right answer but from my point of view that "true love" from past generations you're talking about, never existed to begin with. Sure, our contemporary society has lot some values and morals which has lead us -in general terms- to be more selfish but our grandparents had long everlasting marriages because the woman's role was to be submissive and complacent. Whether she was constantly cheated on, abused or neglected she didn't have much saying in it. For long commitments to exist, someone has to relinquish a bit more than the other. That was a woman's role. Nowadays, not so much. We are more independent now and don't feel like settling for anyone. Meanwhile men don't win a perfect housewife who'll do all the chores while they're playing around, so why bother? Sorry if this came of as extremely feminist, I do believe in true love and loyalty and have met old couples whose happy marriage makes you recover some faith in humanity. However, when I look at them I know: she gave up a lot of dreams along that journey. It was she, always she, the selfless one. Don't romanticize old generations. For long commitments to exist nowadays both parties have to be ready to sacrifice themselves and support each others. Are we ready for that?
I would love to know Jane's opinion.
Exactly, Rosa. We have so many more options that we've ever had before. We have so many more freedoms than we've ever had before. Men are having to learn that we won't put up with being treated the way their fathers used to treat their mothers. And we as women, are having to learn what to do with our "rights" to decide what we truly want and what we don't, while realizing that we can have so many things, but all of our choices have consequences and we can't always "have it all". We're still all adjusting to these new roles while the culture with its role in the media taking on a life of its own as we are inundated with messages like never before. The key is to know yourself, know what you want, know your beliefs - the ones that hold you back and the ones that you don't even realize you hold, and watch and observe how someone is treating you. Take your time to really get to know someone.
"However, when I look at them I know: she gave up a lot of dreams along that journey. It was she, always she, the selfless one. Don't romanticize old generations. For long commitments to exist nowadays both parties have to be ready to sacrifice themselves and support each others. Are we ready for that?" - Exactly, Rosa. It's in asking these questions that we find our own answers and discover more about our own truths, and not just the ones we've assumed for ourselves along the way.
I so hear you, realist!
Is there almost no such pain as that of a heartbreak? My heart has literally felt as though the weight of it - from sadness, despair and abandonment - would cause it to fall to the floor. I wish I could take back the endless hours of analyzing guys and hoping with such great intensity it almost scares me upon hope for that call. Checking my phone 200 times a day, praying I would hear from him, knowing - KNOWING - he would call today. The text doesn't come, the phone remains silent. All those prayers unanswered, all that analysis - wrong.
So here is what I've been doing, and maybe it will help. Finding Jane's website was step #1. Reading her blog, the letters and the comments helped me get to where I am today and where hopefully others can try to get to. Then I started meditating. Daily. Five minutes of me and silence. Instead of focusing on HIM (and there have been many HIMS over the years), I am learning how to focus on ME. My new mantra is "Let go. Let go. Let go." Instead of "God, please make him call" I now say "God, please let me accept what is. I want to be at peace. I want to embrace the silence, be accepting of what is meant to be."
The wallpaper on my phone is a photo of a desolate sea with rolling waves and the word Breathe scrawled neatly across. Now when I obsessively look at my phone for a text, I see the word Breathe and I make myself sit back and take 3 deep breaths. I hope this becomes a habit.
Good luck to you. I wish you the best. Hopefully you can let go and let real love come to you.
Thank you for being so real and sharing your process through this, Lynn. There is something about letting go - and making it our mantra - that frees us from so many thoughts that keep us stuck and in the same place doing and redoing the same things to the detriment of ourselves over and over again. Love the word "Breathe" as the wallpaper on your phone; it's the one place we need to do exactly that the most!
Well said! I have come to realise that we hang on so dear to what is in our heads that we forget about loving ourselves. It takes time to realise that you can't make someone love you, so the earlier we quit that chase its the better for us. Focus on loving and developing yourself as an individual, so that you can be ready when the right one comes along. One thing for sure is nothing external to you will make you happy as happiness is internal. One of my favourite thoughts I saw one time "You have to learn to let go to know how to fly". Another one is ships are safest in teh harbour but thats not where they were meant to be....so go fly girl there is a world awaiting you.
So true, Donna. And love that saying "You have to learn to let go to know how to fly." - that's how we find our wings!
Peace and Light,
Giving many thanks to Ms. Jane for her invaluable wisdom and Chi.
Acceptance is the answer here. We must stay authentic at all tmes.
By staying true to the I-self; we will no longer see life/people with "Rose Colored Glasses" on.
Abusing our minds with self-doubt and low value thoughts. Creating drama to cover up our fears instead
Of making better decisions to fight back those tears.
When you finally accept that you must really be IN LOVE with the I-self to recieve the absolute best love of all.
So beautifully said, Sharri. Thank you!
Wow. Is there some sort of course these guys take because I just had that same experience except the man I was seeing chased me for 2 years. Now 6 months later I got the I can't commit speech. I hadn't dated in 16 years and wasn't looking, but he came on strong and convinced me we could have something special. I really didn't believe him at first, so he worked harder to convince me. Then when I let my walls down...he backed off. I'm afraid I will never be able to get past this. At 58 years old I don't want games, I want real. Is that even possible?
MM,
Yes, it is possible. Love happens at any age. You deserve Real Love and it will come to you:)
It is more than possible, MM, it happens all the time. It may mean you have to change what you're looking for, or what subconscious thinking underlies your belief systems, but there are real men out there looking for real relationships who have no commitment issues who don't want to play any games either. There is a beautiful woman I know who met her soul mate when she was in her 60s, and she is not the only one. Sometimes the early warning signs aren't so obvious, but when someone comes on strong and works harder to convince us, there's usually a reason that has everything to do with this type of person who lives for the thrill of the chase, yet doesn't know what to do when it's over. You deserve so much more than this!
Hi all!
Jane, I love this advice about men that come on strong , "but when someone comes on strong and works harder to convince us, there's usually a reason that has everything to do with this type of person who lives for the thrill of the chase, yet doesn't know what to do when it's over." It seems so many have fallen for this type of guy, I'm really not sure why, but I know I've been there...maybe it's because we feel we should reward their hard work and efforts by giving them a chance, even though deep down we know something's "off"? And what starts off innocent enough soon gets twisted by us proving our worth when they are no longer interested as we work even harder to regain our position of "Umm, you're the one who pursued ME and not vice versa!" lol, speaking from personal experience here 😉
Totally, Tina; I so hear you. It seems so ironic until we can see what's really going on; and then we can stop taking this all so personally and say, "Next!"
This is EXACTLY how it feels Tina. Wow. It's so strange how so many of us are effected by this story almost scene by scene. Who is telling guys to act like this!?
Women of the world, listen up. Do not fall for it!
Hi M,
I'm really not sure who is telling guys to act like this-lol. But I do know they're not "Men" but rather-at the expense of sounding harsh-jerks.
I've learned to be very weary of men that come on too strong/say all the right things/and offers gifts in the very beginning. STAY AWAY!!! Men like this are in it for themselves. All those things they're doing to win you over is STRICTLY for them, for an ego boast, desperation, hiding something, or to benefit them, or as a conquest to prove something to themselves, but usually just for sex.
A true man pursues a woman by taking the time necessary to find out about her, her interests and her life. Her soft caring nature is what endures her to him, and from there he realizes what a gem she is and wants to be in her life to HELP HER, and not the other way around. At least this is what I think true love should be like 🙂
Dear Ria
THis might sound harsh but you cannot force a person to be with you, you are either connected or you not. You are trying to hard to be the "convincer" and probably pushing him away. Instead the best thing you can do is to take the focus off needing to fix the situation and let things happen natuarally. I am sure there is a special man out here that is worthy of you!!
Beautifully said, Doreen. Thank you.
The worst thing that a woman can do is trying to be what you are not just to win a man or to convince him that you are a perfect woman for him.Being a fake will not hurt him in the long run but you..the fact remains if someone loves you and they genuinely does..you don't have to change your self to be what you are to win their hearts.What is not yours is not yours ..period..If he doesn't want you ..no matter how much you can manipulate him ..it will catch up with you one day.Woman must stop acting desperate to such an extend that they can even put their heads on the chopping board just for a man.The fact and the truth is..as a person or a woman ..deep down in your heart you know that man does not deserve you...you know very well that you don't want a man of his character..why are you now ready to destroy your future with another person who doesn't care about you...why are you planning so hard to indulge yourself in a relationship that will destroy you in future..Finally women must know that...you can not change a man..if he doesn't love you he doesn't and the worst thing is when you try the monkey tricks to win him or make him stay believe me it will hurt you one day ..your life does not revolve around that man...you can leave and still make it without him..be yourself and focus on building your future ..and finally rely on God for a future partner for marriage is from God and God promotes marriage!!be strong and leave your life as a strong and confident woman...
Boineelo
"Deep down in your heart you know that man does not deserve you" - so true, Boineelo. If we're open to seeing the reality of what is - and not just the fantasy of what we so want it to be - we always know.
"It’s what we've been told is how we prove our worthiness – by “getting” a man to fall madly in love with us. After all, isn't that our role as a woman? – we ask."
And why is that? Why nobody expect that to be a man's role too? To find a good woman to prove his worthiness... I mean, our relationships would be much healthier if we were not indoctrinated by society that we must find a man or we'll be miserable for life. In the past, we were practically sold into marriage -even abusive ones- but now men are not expected to form a family, nor they seem too eager to, while women are still presumed to! That's insane. Why does society puts all that pressure on women alone?
I so hear you, Rosa. Why is that? Because most of us aren't even aware of these cultural messages, we're so used to simply accepting them without questioning where they're coming from and whether or not they're true. Until we become aware, until we start questioning the status quo and start refusing to accept these messages as truths first in our own lives, and then in our culture, the messages will continue. As long as we keep supporting the mediums through which these messages are passed on, we send the powerful message that this is what we want more of, simply because we don't do anything different. It begins with each one of us, until collectively, we send the most powerful message of all - by refusing to be treated in any way than the one we know we deserve so that there will no longer be any women left who put up with what we have been, and that's when the men will start to change, too. They have their own cultural pressures that are a part of this dynamic as well, with so few of them seeing just how culturally based our society's definition of what it means to be a "man" is as well. It's our actions that will always say so much more than our words!
Thank you Jane, and everyone who contributes to this website.
A few months ago the guy I was 'boyfriend and girlfriend' with told me he 'couldn't commit'.
Those dreaded words.
This is my first time experience of this type of guy. You know the one. The one that chases you for a year, gets you and then simply 'can't commit'.
I couldn't believe how far off the page I had been in the relationship. Falling for his lines and most importantly ignoring the numerous red flags that made me feel uncomfortable/uneasy at the time but simply ignored because I saw his and our 'potential'.
I have to say, that I was heart broken. I had never felt such a great connection with a guy before so when he told me he wanted to be casual, have his cake and eat it, still see me but can't commit, that I am the one, the one he wants to marry and have babies with. I wanted so badly to stay with him. To believe him.
But, I didn't. Something made me google "why men can't commit?" Because I was honestly so stunned by his sudden change of heart. I just had to research or something, anything. I was hurt, upset, heart broken but I was by no means taking his pathetic offer of a 'casual, all te benefits without any commitment' relationship seriously. So I came across your website...and what can I say? It's been an absolute god send. Your words and everyone else's shared experiences gave me the ammunition I needed to follow through with my instincts. It age me hope, support, encouragement and enlightenment.
It's not to say that it was all smooth sailing. I let him back in once, an attempt to show him what's he was missing, but I soon realised that these men enjoy the chase. They loose you, tell all the things you want to hear, sleep with you and then retract the committing lines and leave you back In square one.
It's part of my inherent make-up to give people a second chance to make things right and he will never take away my belief in good people. However, I am now a little wiser, stronger and are able to define my goal relationship goals as most importantly boundaries.
Through this website I have learnt so much about myself.
I just wanted to share my story with all you fantastic women. There was times during the break up when visiting this website, in floods if years was all that got me over the hurdle of not calling him up and taking him up on his embarrassing and insulting new relationship terms.
It's been a tough few months. But I walked away, and you can too. I showed this guy that his offer edit
Not good enough for me, that I wouldn't accept anything less than I deserve and the power in doing that is like
No other.
This website gave me the strength to walk away from my relationship, waving my pride like a flag of victory in his face. Like the strong, proud and unyielding woman I know I am and what he was initally probably attracted to.
It's never too late to let them know that you're not accepting their pathetic offers girls.
Thank you always for the words of wisdom. We can do this!
Perfectly said and ditto. I have guided some of my friends to this website and as with me, it has become a part of their daily routine. Thank heavens it's never to late to do the internal work to understand ourselves and leanr that we are the gold that the miners want, and don't put ourselves down with the "pick me" attitude. I did the same thing and with the empowerment and insight Jane provides all of us have been able to take off those rose colored glasses and see "me" in a clear light and approach life in a much healthier mindset.
Exactly, Sheryl! Love how you've taken this and made it so true in your own life. The "pick me" attitude is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves!
Good for you! It takes a lot of courage to walk away after a year of being with someone who you thought could be the one. We have all heard those lines, and believed them...ignoring the red flags...I have been there. This thread today has given me the courage to delete a number from my phone. A guy who I have been seeing for a few months is obviously on a different page than me and I was ignoring those little red flags for...well, about for the past two months, just hoping that he could be the one. He was completely stringing me along and seeing other people. He would text me to ask me out an average of once every week or two and the only time I heard from him between the dates was maybe one text. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. haha. I was so blind....and maybe a little desperate to boot.
Let's take a stand to be with guys who actually want to be with us and who love us for who we are! I still believe in love:)
Be so proud of yourself for seeing this as clearly as you did, Kate, and for having the courage to delete that number from your phone. Hindsight is always 20/20, but once you know, you don't have to wait for that hindsight's wisdom in the future. Always believe in the real kind of love; it may not be what you were picturing, but it's the best kind of all!:)
Thank you, Jane 🙂
You're always so welcome, Kate. 🙂
Yes we can do this and we are not alone! M, reading about your experience blows me away because I went through the same thing! I too found Jane's website the same way! I googled "how to get over a break up" I really was so heart broken and lost myself completely. I had no idea what to do and my friends were so sick of hearing about it. And so Jane showed me the light! Its so refreshing to know we are not alone and can stand together to be the true beautiful selves we are meant to be, not on a man's terms. I can truly say this website has been life changing for me. I had a blind fold on for so long and I am so happy that I finally took it off. I would have still been giving him chance after chance and playing God because it was simply not meant to be. I thank everyone for their inspiring words and sharing their experiences <3
Great analogy of the blindfold, Darlene; until we "see the light" as you say, we don't even realize we're wearing one! Thank you for adding so much to these conversations with your own beautiful insight. 🙂
And I thank you, Darlene, for your inspiring words...we really are blessed with such a supportive website! I can't tell you how much it has helped me...just knowing that you are not alone and having others who can empathize with your situation is so comforting.
Beautifully said, M; thank you so much for sharing your story - and for your kind words. I'm so glad you've found your own strength and power within to be and do what you already knew in your heart was right for you. It is so inspiring to hear your words to so many of us who've been there - and know exactly what you're talking about. It is never, ever too late!
'waving my pride like a flag of victory in his face' I love this, this is my mantra for the day... Just been through the same experience. I too gave him the benefit of the doubt the second time, I wanted to believe people can change.... I am fluctuating between feeling empowered and pangs of regret, this blog has helped me so much. I also feel guilty because I ended it by text but that was his favoured method of communication so it seemed appropriate...
I think that this said it perfectly......it is the clearest explanation I have ever seen....if he wants to be with you then he will make the time and effort....live your life and let him join with you....not you force yourself on him
Exactly, Kim. It's how you know!
It's very true.
I was with this one guy for 5 months and he really broke my heart when he said that he wanted to step back and that he has a lot of emotional baggage with his separated wife.
He claimed her to be an ex gf which only later i found out that they are married but separated.
The best thing is really to move on.
If he wants to be with you, you will know the answer.
Be strong Ria 🙂
"If he wants to be with you, you will know the answer." - Exactly, Veee.
The fact that you even think you need to convince him, get out and away from him. He is not worth it. He either likes you or not.
So true, Jackie. Someone who's truly right for you will never need to be convinced of why he should want to be with you!
Amen, Jane. You nailed it. If it's meant to be it will be. Anything else brings self inflicted heartache. Let go!
Exactly, Brenda!