One of our gorgeous readers, Maria, shares her story about finally getting past the emotionally unavailable men she was typically attracted to that would always suddenly disappear on her.
She's now found real love with a great guy that she would normally have overlooked.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I have spent the last year reading your articles about why he hasn't and doesn't and won't.
As these were the men I was with. Immediate attraction...then poof; the emotionally unavailable man disappeared.
Then, on a chance meeting, a man that didn't meet my "physical wow" came into my life. He was honest, and caring, and thoughtful, and emotionally available.
At first I found reasons why he couldn't be the one but I was drawn to all the positives and I kept spending time getting to know him. And my attraction to him grew, and grew. As he demonstrated his intentions, his interest.
Being treated with respect, him actually being there when he said, consistent, and being told and shown that I was special and deserved it. At first, I didn't believe it or that it could actually be happening, then I allowed myself to receive his kindness.
There is nothing more attractive then being treated this well, and feeling so safe with someone so wonderful. I needed the bad to fully appreciate what is so good.
Thank you for helping me get here.
- Maria
My Thoughts:
Every time I receive these emails, I’m absolutely inspired.
I see that it’s happening. That no matter how long it may take, slowly but surely we’re starting to see how it happens.
It’s that first step as always, where you recognize what you’re doing that isn't working, that isn't getting you to the place you want to be with someone who you think you can’t live without, who isn't on the same page as you want to believe they are.
It’s in that recognition that a little light starts to shine and say, “Yes, you” and you sit up a little straighter and begin to notice for yourself how you’re being treated and whether you’re really as compatible as you want to be. Or whether you’re getting caught up in another fairy tale.
You've taken that first step!
And then when you’re ready, and only then, you start to say no. To stand up for yourself. To set a boundary. To decide for yourself if this relationship full of potential that only you can see is really working for you, instead of settling for those crumbs that seem like so much when they’re all you've got and they’re all you believe you’ll ever have.
And that’s when the shift begins.
You slowly start to grasp the concept that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around, and you do.
You begin to see that you actually do have a life worth living instead of just holding onto another distraction, and you start living it.
You start questioning your type.
You start asking yourself the questions that you have to do some soul-searching to find the answers.
Until eventually, the bigger questions come. The question of the spark of that intense attraction you feel when you’re with someone that has everything to do with the fairy tale of what you’re calling love, and nothing to do with the real thing you’re actually looking for.
And suddenly, it starts to make sense.
You start questioning what you’re really looking for and what really matters in the long-term.
You find yourself going to places, and meeting people that reflect the real you, and not just the you you've been because it’s what everyone else wanted you to be.
And then somewhere along the way, you find yourself crossing paths with someone who you wouldn't have expected to notice before that day. It’s different for everyone how it happens, but it always does, or at least tries to.
Whether or not you choose to see it – to see him – is always up to you.
And there it is.You give someone a chance that you wouldn't normally give that chance to. You think with your head this time, as much as your heart. You let yourself just be.
You accept that second date. You decide to see where it might go.
And so it goes. Until you see things in ways you never did before. Until you feel things in way you never thought you would.
Real love. It’s waiting for you, too. The bigger question is always, are you ready for it?
Do you find yourself falling for emotionally unavailable men? Share your story with us in the comments!
Overall my situation is no different and I'm "with" an EUM, not happy w/how things are but so full of hope from he things are and he promises to be better that I'm having a really hard time letting go. Long story shirt, he pursued me at the beginning, things were awesome (sweet, affectionate, communicative)...then the 1yr anniversary of his mom's death came after a few months and he went MIA. We stopped hanging out and rarely communicated, but he asked for space and a chance to rekindle when he was in a better place. That was in September, since then it's been a repeating cycle of infrequent and usually tension filled communication, frustrated attempts by me to get closure, promises from him to start taking bigger baby steps, lather rinse repeat...
And when you're done with it all, you'll know, Amber. Trust yourself. Deep down, we always do.
Bump
What about the added detail of grieving his mother's death being the (stated) cause of the emotional unavailibility?
We all have our own reasons, Amber; including him. But it's what you can live with and what you can't that determines what you want to do with this.
Hi again! I´m glad to tell you Jane that I´m completely over my last miserable history with mr polyamorist. I was slowly getting out of the caused depression and was happy again, when it SUDDENLY HAPPENED AGAIN. I fell in love again, and this quite fast after Mr D, as in douchebag, for being me. It was incredible and it really got my self-esteem and hope to love back. But what happened, well several very interesting things worth to notice. This guy, let´s call him Mr A as in argentinian actually has a lot in common with mr D. He is also travelling, looking for his place on earth and very happy and careless. Do I admire those men, do I wish I was like them? Am I actually just like them, but with a little lacking piece? AND most important, he is emotionally unavailable. I am so happy to say that after last years story I have learnt so much and can take use of that, and I am able to be aware of so many warning signs, and most importably- control my reactions and feelings. I let my self down on not being able to think with my brain at the same time as my heart, this yes, but I forgive my self, cause even though I feel heartbroken it is just actually the heart, and not my soul, not my happiness or self-esteem that got affected. I am also able to understand that this man came into my life to teach me that I could feel again, to make me feel like the women I am, to make me feel beautiful and attractive, and not necessarily to give me love, but to heal to. So, healed. Perfect. But again heartbroken! Not to sad, but it still super sucks. We spent two amazing weeks together and then he travelled on, not wanting to tell me when he comes back, not being able to commit to me and not wanting me to wait for him ( he did not want to be as mr D that asked me several times to wait for him. ) He likes me just like I like him he says, but is not in the moment for a relationship since he has months left of his travel and doesn't want anyone else to think about meanwhiles. He want to come back, he want to askme for a chance when he comes back but can´t say when that will be, or will it even be? So, I must let him go, obviously cause I will not wait ever in my life again for anyone. Now I now I can feel again, and if there is one, there is two, there must be more out there! The sad thing is that I am so burn after mr D that even if mr A came back, I think it would be to late. The fact that he let me go and didn't want to claim me makes me feel that he did not value me and gives me an allergic reaction after my previous story. There is where I´d like to ask you for advice from you. I know I must let my feelings go and that´s what you´ll tell me, and I promise you that I keep living my life, seeing for others etc. But but but but..this guy is also amazing and really a good man. If if if if if if, after I´d let this go, he would come back, do you think it is not valuing me giving him another chance? My whole body is telling me that it is to late, by leaving me he blowed it. Does it have to be that black and white? Or do you think it is morally OK and valuing my self by letting him go now, livin my life etc and at the same time being open for a continuation in the future if that would happen? But just the though of touching a man that was with me, leaves me- maybe is with others, and comes back to me, just makes me wanna scream and gives me red rashes and allergical reactions after my last story.. It actually does matter for me the out coming of that decision for me. ..so..hm..? Let go and never forgive, or is it posible to let go and leave with a feeling that who knows what will happen in the future?
You've gotten to know me well, Alva! 🙂 Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to say here to you. Let go ... and focus on you and keep living your life and keeping your options open for who else comes along. No, it doesn't have to be so black and white, but I think you're finding out for yourself what you can live with and what you can't in regards to this possible future scenario, by your own intuitive reaction here "...just the thought of touching a man that was with me, leaves me- maybe is with others, and comes back to me, just makes me wanna scream and gives me red rashes and allergical reactions after my last story". It sounds like you've answered this question for yourself, which is always the right answer for you ... one you come up with for yourself. Always forgive, for forgiveness is more of an acceptance for yourself that releases you and gives you your own freedom back, rather than being about him. A feeling of hope for the future is part of that state of being where you accept that if someone is truly right for you and the two of you are meant to be together, you will know. You'll know not just if he happens to come back, but how you'll know is if he comes back on the same page as you, wanting the same type of relationship as you, and with a willingness to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's the only way a real relationship can work; it has to come from both of you.
But don't overlook this telling piece of information you've glimpsed here, Alva! Two men, same type, same story "He is also travelling, looking for his place on earth and very happy and careless. Do I admire those men, do I wish I was like them? Am I actually just like them, but with a little lacking piece? " It sounds like you're onto something with this realization.
My post "Find it in You" may give you some additional insight here. What can you give yourself that these men are giving you that makes them so attractive to you in those specific areas, considering they can't give you the commitment part you're looking for? Is it permission to go do the same? Is it a right you don't otherwise feel you have?
Dig a little deeper around here, Alva, you're on the cusp of something. What's that "little lacking piece?" When you find what it is and why, you can move on and start attracting what you're really looking for in someone, without that part holding you back from finding it from men who are all about that and not about what you're really looking for. What's huge, Alva, is that you're really seeing this!
Thanks Jane! I know and I try to dig there. As far as I´ve come here I realise I am attracted to this type of men because they are happy, careless and understand they can find love in anyone and does´t get stuck in someone. Which I´d like to achieve as well. But I also know that there is something beyond that, with this kind of men I connect really well and have an awesome time, we share similar experiences from living abroad and not having a "normal" life. I don´t think I wish to make them come around, or to chose me, I actually think and hope that I just connect with this type and that mostly this type also happens to be emotionally unavailable due to their lifestyle. I´ll just keep on searching and living, now that I experienced it again I know I am capable of feeling it over and over again, and that gives me so much happiness and hope! Out of all those happy, careless and traveling ( or not) men out there that I´ll connect with, some of them must also be on my page right? To be sure I´ll have my share I´ll just at the same time open the door for those men that are not travelling or super interesting at a first glimpse, maybe I´ll connect to them also right? This time I´m not devastated but just some frustrating- damn I did it again! , realising my pattern, rising up again and taking actions. I also started some dating online and applications on the phone, it might not be the source for finding a father for my future kids but experience on dating can always help right? 😉 Every experience will make it easier to know what I want and how I´ll attract it. About this argentinian guy..I don´t know, really. I am confused what was real and genuine and what was not, I think we made great connection and great friends ( we run together in the park every day, made breakfast, shoppings, dinner, helped each other talking about stuff, watched movies.. ) but how frustrating is that not to feel you find your soulmate and he can´t commit to you. Maybe he blowed it by saying that, I feel he didn't value me enough, or maybe I´ll overcome myself there and understand he is just being realistic and more mature and experienced than me. Time will tell right. Thanks again, you´re awesome!
Jane I feel terrible. I was talking to this guy and we finally met and had a wonderful time. Well we ended up having sex that night. I haven't heard from him in 2 days. I have never been jilted like this or been made a fool of.
I feel horrible and ashamed, I let my loneness comsume me. I feel like such a fool, I guess I was played.
Don't take this out on you, Wendy. Learn from it, but don't beat yourself up like this. No one deserves that kind of judgement. So many of us have been there, you're not alone. Today is a new day, and next time, you'll remember this and you will do something different! But forgiving yourself, being loving and compassionate to yourself through this is the way out right now. There will always be players, but we can love ourselves enough to refuse to be played.
"You think with your head this time, as much as you're heart." Your= shows possession You're= a contraction you+are=you're
Thank you, Jennifer. 🙂
I could have written this myself! After several miserable years of dating Mr. Unavailable I took a chance -- went out with someone different. I actually left the first date believing it would be our last -- as I told my friends, "he didn't get my motor running". Even though the date was like something from a movie: fabulous dinner at high end restaurant (he even suggested I get a new dress when making plans), being treated like a queen the entire night, I was still caught up in the fairy tale "spark". So...this time I decided to remember things I had recently read in relationship self help books and reflected on advice Jane gives here about looking for qualities that will lead to lasting love instead of the flash in the pan "spark". I went on that second date and it's changed my world. This man is good looking, positive, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, considerate...the list goes on and on. I have seriously never been treated so well in my life! I was telling a coworker just this morning -- many days I wake up and wonder if this is the day it all falls apart. Isn't that the way it goes? It always did in the past. Thankfully, this time it only gets better and better. I guess this is what nice and normal feels like. No more emotional rollercoasters. No more needing to be careful and feeling like I have to analyze every word I say so not to upset things. Its just easy -- and so fun!! The bonus is just as Jane describes -- once you realize all of the wonderful qualities in someone -- qualities that you deserve -- the attraction explodes. Because nothing is more attractive that someone who treats you well and makes you feel good about yourself -- someone who communicates and behaves like an adult. Someone you can trust will do what the say, and say what they do. It's truly amazing! After being married to an alcoholic for 23 years, followed by the years with Mr. Unavailable, for the first time in my life I feel whole and free in a relationship! It's been 6 months now and everything is still as good as that first date! And to think I almost passed this up because of that old fairy tale thinking. Thank you, Jane for sharing what all of us need to know!
Wow! I haven't met That Guy yet....I am still getting out of the relationship where I have to be so very careful all the time....but I AM getting free and am SO looking forward to the difference! I will take to heart what you shared about the way you were at the beginning so I can remember to give him a chance when he shows up! And it is wonderful to actually feel like he will show up....that I am totally worth it and that this is actually possible for me! Congratulations on your wonderful growth, Mary. It is good to see hard work pay off.
I finally realized -- its not my job to fix people, just to take care of myself. I had talked to one of my dear friends after that first date. She was kind and didn't say much, but later when we were talking about how I almost walked away from something so amazing, she said her thinking was "here's a guy who wants to do all the right things, but instead of taking a chance on something that could be potentially great, she wants to fix everyone". She was right. I had to figure it out for myself -- and so thankful I finally have! Good luck Deborah -- just remember, we're all worth it and worthy of goodness in our lives!!
Love hearing your story, Mary! Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us all. It's truly inspiring when you've been there, when you've held on so long to the fairytale, and then now, to be here. So true!
Wow what a cute story.
I am glad to hear it took her so long, now I don't feel that small.
I must stay there is a hunger for deep connection and love inside of me.
But I'm now discovering my old patterns and my past . Dealing with this.
I am now I feel not yet ready. But I feel I deserve it and it could make me
Feel more joy inside. Because I feel dating a great man is exciting and joyful .
I just haven't met him, I hope my heart and eyes are open for him.
I know what you mean, Maris, but don't ever let yourself feel small because of where someone else is on their journey or because of what they may have in their lives. It's that comparison trap that does so much damage to us when we are all on our own paths and our own time always comes when it's right for us, and not on anyone else's timeline. You'll know when you meet him, when you see how different he'll be from all the rest. You'll know, and you'll be ready, whether you become ready with him, or on your own.
This is my biggest problem. I'm always comparing and trying to analyze WHY he can't love me back, comparing his life and journey to mine. All it does is leave me feeling belittled...by ME and not him. He's been nothing but honest with me, but it's still hard to give him up. In my situation, he's my best friend too and I've fallen for him. He can't love me back in that way or anyone else for that matter. He is the typical emotionally available man but he's a wonderful guy too. It would be easier if he wasn't. But anyways, I'm working through this and how to let that part of my love for him go. Thanks for your insight and advice. Obviously, there's a bunch of us out here who need it!
It is good to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂 congrats to marie for her brave hard work!
I get letters like these so often, Deborah; I wanted to show you the other side that is real for each and every one of us, too! 🙂
Jane...such a wonder story. It keep hope alive for me. One day I will also meet Mr. Available. I know it takes time, timing is everything. We all have to be ready and desperate!!
And ready to be loved. 🙂 I'm so glad this gave you hope, RealDavis.
I meant to say "We all have to be ready not desperate!!! SORRY for the mistake!
🙂
I have been dating an unemotionally available guy for a year and a half now. I actually have fallen in love with him. Right now he has pulled away. We have conversations and seem to be able to talk the only problem is when we talk I leave more confused then I was before. He talks in facts and fortes he never really expresses his feelings. And if he does I guess I take it as he saying a quote. I just don't get it. He told me a about three weeks ago that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then within the three weeks he has become more distant. So I'm backing off now because I asked him to call me the other day and he did but he was kind of cold on the phone and just not the sweet guy I know. Hasn't asked me how I'm doing in about three weeks and just different. I get the whole pulling away I've been here and I deserve someone who wants to be a part of my life. I've have been hanging on because he does do nice things for me and he always seem to make time in his busy lifestyle to spend time with me . I look at the positives but the negatives are starting to out way the positives. So for me it's time to focus on me. It's just I say certain things like I wish it was 2 years ago I think you would of fallen madly in love with me. Because I could have a baby something he wants. Which I can't give him. So anyway then he said how do you if I not madly in love with you already. Then I say stuff like you scared of getting closer to me and he says that is a good way of looking at our situation. So then I hang on alittle more. So now I feel alone and he is going through schooling for his job which is intense and I was being supportive for a few days but after our last convo and I sensed hostility and just not sweetness I am putting tension on this rubber band because I don't deserve to be pushed away and I
Am not gonna follow him like a puppy dog. We get along so well and have a good connection. He just gets close then starts looking at the negative things instead of what's good. So I guess it's time to let my love go and if he comes back it was meant to be if not there are other fish in the sea that I will find when I'm ready of course. I have to protect my heart which is alittle broken right now. Well that being said thank you for giving me the opportunity to right my story . 🙂 thank you Trichthedish
Anytime, Trish. 🙂 You always know what you need to do; it's when we put in into words that it often becomes more clear. You can't make anyone love you; but you can love yourself and give yourself what you need in spite of what someone else decides to do.
This is very insightful. A few years ago I was blown away with how I seemed to always end up dealing with emotionally unavailable men, or with guys who would suddenly disappear (and I would do everything I could to pull them back once they started to drift. That ends in a trainwreck every time btw). Somebody once told me that people who are constantly being drawn to unavailable men are often somehow being emotionally unavailable themselves. While that may not be true for everyone, I realized it definitely was for me.
My whole perspective on guys with that behavior has switched. It's my biggest turn off (besides dishonesty) and i don't tolerate it for a second anymore. I'm really just not finding anybody out there who is available and interested in me. Everyone around me seems to pair off so easily, it feels like I'm standing alone in the center of a ballroom while couples dance all around me. I know I'm a great person, but after years of being single and alone it becomes hard to not wonder if there is something wrong with me. Why does everyone seem to get this besides me???? I am an awesome match, why does nobody want a relationship with me??? Should i just give up and resign myself to a life alone and a lot of cats??? Ack!
Oh those trainwrecks! I hear you, Sky11, there's nothing that triggers us like a disappearing man if we've got that trigger in ourselves! Be so proud of yourself for being open to seeing this in you, to see why you were attracted to them and for knowing what you deserve now. These are no small things! And using that same insight that brought you to the place where you saw where you were in fact emotionally unavailable as well, what if you were to ask yourself why you don't pair off so easily? And why it feels like everyone else gets this besides you? And while you're there, why does it seem that nobody wants a relationship with you? Because when you look at what's behind those beliefs - and especially the proof you provide yourself with - there's another story there. Because we all could pair off easily, we all could get this, we all do have so many men out there who are looking for exactly who we are and what we offer and would want a relationship with us. Don't resign yourself to that life along with all those cats yet, Sky11, I'm willing to bet there's still so much more to come!
I understand you so well, Sky11. The same happens to me. I have never been in a relationship, but I have fallen for men who definitely don't care about me very much. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than that. It's quite the low blow to our self-esteem.
After years of managing to not be interested in anyone, I found myself yet again in the same situation: deeply attracted to a man who has no interest in me whatsoever. What's worse: he knows and he seems to get advantage of it somehow.
I am a very rational person and I see all the things that are wrong here, but it has been really hard for me to let go and just not see him anymore.
I also think I am a great girl, but I don't get any attention from anyone either. All of my friends are in relationships, except me.
I think I have already realized that things have to change. I'm just not sure how to go around it.
You are not alone in your situation. Glad to know I am not alone either.