Stop.
And take a deep breath.
And know that it's all going to be OK. It's going to be different this time.
Because we're going to do things differently this time.
When I look back in my own life, when I was at the exact point where you are right now, when I answered the call of my heart and declared to the Universe, out loud and in no uncertain terms, that I was finally ready for the real thing, I wanted it bad and I wanted it fast.
When I finally realized that I needed to do something different, when I finally acknowledged that what I had been doing wasn't working, when I was finally done with the chasing, with the trying to make one more someone love me who wasn't meant for me, I felt like I was so ready!
But the problem was I didn't know where to start.
I didn't have anyone to guide me. I didn't have anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it.
So for the first time in my life, I did something that, at the time, was so unlike me.
I stopped.
I gave up the searching, the craving, the seeking, the looking for someone or something outside of myself. I gave it all up. And I started at the beginning. With life. As if it were my first breath of my new life. Because when I look back from where I am now, I can see that this was exactly how it all began.
And that's how it begins with all of us. In the silence, in the quiet, alone with ourselves.
Because, my beautiful friend, the kind of women we are, the kind of women who, when we make our minds up about something, want it all and want it not even now but yesterday, we're the kind of women that go from zero to 100 in two seconds flat when we're finally ready to do something.
But that isn't going to get us where we need to go.
This is about the big picture, not a quick-fix or a short-term solution.
This is about your own happily ever after. This about that road that leads to that place where there is someone standing there, waiting for you, who, for the first time in your life, is actually meant for you!
And so in this silence, in this space, this is where we begin.
With that first breath.
It's all going to be OK.
When I say breathe, I'm talking about that deep, in through the nose, out through the mouth kind of breathing that instantly takes your anxiety level down several notches and puts your body and mind into a state of wonderful relaxation.
The kind of breathing that makes you realize it's all going to be OK.
Because it is.
It's the kind of relaxation exercise that's so important to keep us out of that alarming fight or flight mode, or more accurately, the time is running out mode of desperation that most of us live in on a daily basis, at least where our love lives are concerned.
It's exactly that mode of living that causes us to make decisions that aren't going to get us where we need to be.
Don't dive in head first.
Any time we set out to achieve a new goal, whether it be weight loss or yoga or eating better or finding true love, it's totally common and oh so normal to want to dive in head first and hit the ground running.
We get ourselves all worked up and excited, thinking this is it, I'm really going to do it this time and we build it up in our minds so much that we are so pumped with adrenaline that we need to do something, we need to do a LOT of somethings, and we need to do them very quickly very soon or we'll explode from the adrenaline coursing through our system.
Exercising is the perfect example.
We get all fired up, we've joined our new gym, we've got all of our pretty new workout clothes, and we head on in for the first day.
We pick one of the shiny torture contraptions called exercise machines and we strap ourselves on and work ourselves into an exhaustion.
The next day we're so sore we can't even take our pajamas off without wincing much less put those pretty new workout clothes back on.
We don't see the instant results we want, so we understandably burn out quickly, go back to our old habits and we're left feeling worse than before with the belief that we just can't do it.
It's no wonder most New Year's resolutions fail so quickly.
The reality is that you just can't go from zero to 100 right from the starting line.
Imagine the same New Year's resolution to start exercising, but instead of rushing into it and jumping on the first machine that caught your eye, you stopped, and took a moment to breathe.
To relax.
To think.
To center.
To plan.
Then maybe instead of jumping in head first, you would lay out a good plan, starting with the basics. You would probably think about a long term plan that might take, say, 6 months to reach your goals, and what that would look like. Really think through the best way to reach your goals.
You would think about the interim goals you could set along the way to mark your progress and keep you on track and motivated.
Maybe include a healthy nutrition plan, and knowing that trying to change too many things at one time is a recipe for failure, you might decide to start by stopping one bad habit, like, say, eating chips, every couple of weeks until all of the bad habits are gone.
But only one at a time.
Maybe you would get really serious about it and hire a personal trainer, a good one that knows what they're doing, to help you because you know how hard it is to do it alone.
Maybe, instead of setting unrealistic goals like I'm going to lose 5 pounds a week, you set realistic and simple goals like I'm going to go into the gym every day this week.
The kind of goal that sets up a lifestyle, a new way of thinking, a new way of being, instead of an end result. The kind of lifestyle that is guaranteed to get you to your desired goal.
Think about it; if your goal is to go to the gym five days a week and follow a prescribed exercise regimen, along with sticking to a healthy nutrition plan that works, then there can't be any way that you won't become healthier and ultimately get to your goal.
The goal is not to get to the end result, the goal is to change your way of being. Then the end result is a given!
Set the right goals.
It's the same thing with love.
If you think "I just want to find the love of my life quickly" then you'll likely do what most of us do when we're trying to meet men – you might start going out to bars and clubs more, maybe you'll start trying to catch the attention of men by dressing more provocatively or by flirting more. Or maybe you'll join an online dating site and quickly throw together a profile and start winking at guys left and right.
And you'll get burnt out and discouraged just as quickly as our friend in the exercise example.
Yes, you might find that you can quickly meet more men, you might get more attention (particularly if you're going the dressing provocatively route), and you might get some dates, but you'll find that even with all of the flurry of new activity you're still left feeling empty and unfulfilled with the wrong kinds of men.
And chances are you'll wind up used and heartbroken with your self-esteem squashed even a little lower than it was already.
So what can you do?
Like I said earlier, let's take a moment to breathe.
Seriously.
I want you to stop and take a few moments to do some deep breathing exercises and find your center. I know to some of you that may sound a bit spiritual or new-agey, but trust me, this deep breathing thing really works and these days it's used by psychologists and medical doctors almost as much as spiritual practitioners.
Breathe.
Try it right now.
Start off by sitting comfortably – it doesn't have to be cross-legged on the beach with your hands on your knees, with your finger and thumb touching one another, chanting "ohm" like the typical image we have in our heads.
If that appeals to you and it's comfortable, then by all means do it – it's certainly a great method.
But if you're at work at your desk, or if you just feel more comfortable in a chair, then just sit in that comfortable chair with your back relatively straight, and your hands resting comfortably on your thighs, or you knees, or in your lap or even on your desk if that feels good. The point is to be comfortable.
Close your eyes, and breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose.
Breathe in slowly until your chest and your stomach are full, and hold for a few seconds before slowly exhaling through your mouth.
Take a more time to breathe out than to breathe in. I find that it helps to imagine the breath that you are taking in is going all the way up to the top of your head, and the breath going out is going all the way down to your toes. I find this easier than trying to count.
As you do this breathing exercise, know that this is your year to have the love that you've always wanted. As you breathe in, imagine that you are breathing in abundant love and it's filling your entire body. Breathe in and out like this ten times.
Doesn't that feel great?
I know, it's wonderful. I do it all the time.
Now you're in the kind of relaxed state of being that you need to be in to really make some good decisions.
Remember, it's not a sprint – we don't want a flash in the pan relationship - we've all had plenty of those. We want the real thing - a long term relationship that lasts the rest of your life.
Let's take things slow and do this thing right. There's no need to panic.
It will happen.
Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Anytime those feelings of fear or anxiety creep up, just remember to stop, breathe, and center yourself again.
When you change your lifestyle, when you change your way of being to one of love, then you are guaranteed to have the love you want in your life. We're going to get you there, together.
Try this and then tell us all how it made you feel in the comments!
Ive been single for 3 yrs . havnt hooked up with anyone in a year. Im finally at the point that i dont just want anyonne . i want the one. And my progress kinda hindered when i saw friend i was close with got married. Then j was ok again w being single living my life then my other good friend got married was happy for her i didnt cry then was happy being single met someine online who turn3d out to be a . phsycho so no more of him and happy abouy desision causw he wasnt consistant eather. But then saw my best feimd i grew up with change her status from relationshio to engage and then i r3ally felt pain and anger but happy too. But i cried off and on that day then started gwtting hard on myself blaming me why i dont have that. I had an emotinal break down basically and then i read this and im glad i did cause i honestly wanted ti how to stay sane while all ur friends are getting married lol. So one article came up th3n this. And readibg the comments is wbere i am now. Its true i go from 1 to 100 quickly when i get feelings this one guy i fell head over heels to fast fir my own good cause he met someine and i thought my life was over. He contact me again last feb the day after i started liking someon else and he brought me back to where i was with him before he met her. But that 6 monthw ago now i dont text first i dont g for him i will never give him another chance he had his and didb5 take it so im moving on with out him.
Hi Jane,
Oh my goodness I loved this article! I've declared 2014 to be the year that I meet "him" and hopefully marry as well. Having deceided that, many well intentional friends and family memebers keep telling me to "go out there and make it happen." But I keep telling them that I trust the Universe and God to bring him to me at the right time, there's no need to stress and get myself worked up over it-true to what your article says. First and foremost I have to clean up my life and make space and room for him to enter my life, not going out and changing my life!
So long as the intention is on my mind it can happen anywhere, library, grocery store, gas station-anywhere. So TRUST.
Thank you for the article once again.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this, Tina. You've got all this! Anywhere, anyplace, anytime, anyway - when you're open and ready and know exactly what you want the whole world - and all the love of someone who's looking for you! - is yours.
Hi Jane, thank you for the kind words, and thank you for keeping all us single gals positive and so full of hope!!
You're so welcome, Tina; thank you!
Dear Jane,
I sent an email just a little while ago about this same type of thing. I hadn't read this but after being alone 6 years, I have given up on the fact that I will ever find love. This will sound very spiritual however, I used to believe in fate, God would not leave me alone to face the world by myself, but I have all but given up that I will ever find love. That has now left me lonlier than I was, so empty. Knowing I will have to leave each and every day with this horrible depression, lonliness makes me want to kill myself. I don't believe god meant for us to be alone, to feel this way but unfortunately it seems he cant fix everything here on earth.
I'm always here for you, Linda; whatever you're going through, this is never an empty space. You're so not alone in feeling so low, in feeling like there's little reason to hope, and in wondering what happened to God and fate and the plan that everything would be ok. I want to be able to run to you, to meet you where you are, to hear your story, to hold you, to let you know that someone is here for you, but since I can't do that, I want you to find someone who can.
You're in such a low place right now that what you need before you will be able to hear what anyone has to say, is someone to listen to you. To listen to you without judging, without trying to fix it, without coming across like they know what you need to do and what you're doing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you, Linda, but there's been a lot of things wrong with what's happened to bring you to this point. If you're not willing to read anything here, there is just one short post I wrote about that I'd love you to try reading. It's about you.
I want you to find a counselor or a therapist or a trusted friend or a doctor or someone else you trust who you can unburden yourself with. No one is ever meant to go through what you're going through all alone! There is a safe place you can go, Linda, where you can be heard and accepted and loved for who you are. We just need to find that place for you. I'm here, Linda; and there's others out there, too. We're going to think tiny baby steps here, and we're going to start climbing out of this place where you are right now together, I'm right here with you.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for your response. I have tried counseling, talking with friends, bars, dating sites. Like I said, its been 6 years. I have given up, then retried ideas. Nothing seems to work. I have been in and out of this low spot, at times I tell myself just focus on school and my daughter and I'm ok. However, this same low keeps coming back as I find myself alone still. I am not at a place where I want just anyone to fill this void, as "anyone" cant. I was married for 18 years, I didn't want divorced but it happened. He has moved on to a new woman, and new life. He seems very happy. I look around and it seems everyone has a husband, boyfriend, a significant other, but me. I have met plenty of men, but as I said, the ones who are interested in me, I'm not interested in. The ones I have been interested in, have not been interested in me. Nothing seems to work. Not sure what to do, I know I will be ok for a couple of years till my daughter graduates from high school, after that I don't know. I know I don't want to live on earth alone. Thanks for being there for me! It meant a lot to me to receive a response from you. I know you cant produce this miracle that I need, but talking with me helps.
While I was reading this, a peace came over me, and I felt this is so right. However, the phone rang, and I saw my EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ex's phone number - i didn't answer it. He hadn't contacted me for two months, ( A FORM OF PUNISHMENT) and now, while I was reading this, at this time, I get a phone call from him!!!! COINCIDENCE???? So then he left a voice mail saying that he wanted to make sure that i WAS OKAY AND HIOPED THAT EVERYTHING WAS GOOD!!!! i DIDN'T RESPOND TO HIS INQUIRY, AND AM STILL FEELING PEACEFUL. THIS IS A BLESSING BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THAT TERRIBLE URGE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK TO HIM. I am at peace!!! I ONLY WANT THE ONE TO WHOM MY LOVE BELONGS!!!
Love this, Sherry. Thanks for sharing! I've seen and heard enough to believe that coincidences are so much more than that. You are that strong!!
thank you Jane for the thoughts u had shared with me.. honestly it kept on dwelling on my mind that there was wrong with me. since the relationship that i had before will not last of one year. i really thought of myself that i can't stand with him for a long term relationship since this is me, am not that romantic even in words. am really need of advise for this. I wanted to have a family of my own someday but i don't know where to start...i really appreciate of what you shared to me..more power!
You're already getting closer, Angel. With each new way of looking at ourselves, with each new way of seeing we learn, we grow, we become more aware of the truth behind the surface and we learn what we're worth and what we never, ever need to settle for. There is nothing ever wrong with you!
Inhale. Exhale. I am ok on my own today.
Inhale. Exhale. I am good on my own today.
Inhale. Exhale. I am whole on my own today.
And you are, Sky. One day at a time.
hi jane it's me angel, i have one question to myself..why in the beginning of knowing each other of the guy i like it was quite ok, and we both understand our feelings but after a month and so on, it went not fine for both of us, i can say that maybe there is something wrong with me, especially my personality, am not that kind person but i can understand and adjust people around me..since in a working relationship i never had a problem with them a male or a female..i don't know how to maintain a relationship with him, to have a long term relationship..to be with him for the rest of my life..what should i do for a start?thanks.
| have exactly the same problem Angel 🙁 . I attract guys not knowing , not even noticing when I am fine, but my 5 relationships ended the same way. I am pushy , clingy , I don't know what but it is me for sure. As at the beginning I am relaxed and I don't expect much , but as soon as I start having feelings their attitude changes. 5 guys: different age groups, different naitonalities (Canadian , Greek, American , Armenian 🙂 , some older than me some younger and some my age with different emotional and mental age. But the same story at the end. The same ending letters. It is me and I do hope this website and Jane and most importantly I myslef will help to fix the problem which is probably hiding deeper. For me I know a lot of self-observation and hard work is required and hopefully it will be helpful
There's nothing wrong with you, Angel! It's not up to you to bear the sole responsibility of a relationship, no matter who he is! A real relationship always involves two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other. It's just not complicated with someone who you're truly compatible with who wants to make this work, too. You're don't have to know how to do this, you learn to do it together, and that's the whole point of being with another imperfect human being; you're in this together!
If it doesn't feel like that, Angel, if you're finding you're the one doing all the work and trying to make it happen, then take a step back, give him a little space and see what he does with that. That's how you find out where someone stands, if they fill in that space and come to you, you know they're in this, too, and if they don't, you save yourself from participating in a one-way relationship any longer. Remember that it's always enough - in fact, more than enough! - to be your beautiful true self with someone who is truly right for you.
Thanks for this, Jane. You're right. Stop, breathe, centre yourself.
So important to stop us from getting panicked by fearful, negative thoughts.
I'm actually getting worried because I've taken your advice some time ago and no
longer feel any urgency in meeting someone. It feels very strange that it doesn't bother me anymore that
I'm single. I have a lot on my plate through a demanding job, new lessons and courses I'm taking,
and starting new project that every time I remember that I have no' other half' I don't give it much attention. Partly
because I'm too busy to give it any attention and partly because I feel content.
I say I'm worried because at the same time you said you've got to want to find love and
Want it badly, desperately. I do want it but I'm not desperate. I'm quite content. However I'd love to find that special
someone within a year. Otherwise, it might begin to erode the self esteem I've taken a long time to build. Have I gone too far the other way now? To the point where it matters still that I find that special someone and fulfil my desire to marry and start a family, but I'm not crazily desperate anymore.
You are in exactly the right place, Sam; where you want the love you know you deserve, where you're ready, but you're happy enough with your own life and your own self that you have the confidence to know that the right person is worth the wait and you don't have to worry about it. That's a beautiful place and exactly where you want to be!
Hi Jane. I built myself , came to that level, of being happy with myself, relaxed and peaceful but after a while as soon as that smb appeared in my life that I really liked I went back to the impatient and crazy, restless and unrelaxed way and scared the guy away 🙁 What can I do ?
Remember who you are, Lily. Remember all that you have to offer. Remember you carry your own power deep within you. You don't give yourself away to just anyone, no matter how much you think you like this particular him, no matter how much he seems to have his own power over you. You hold your own.
You remember that it's not just about the way you feel, it's about the way he treats you, the way he doesn't treat you, the way he honors and respects the beautiful woman you are. It's a mindset shift; you're both equals here. Take him down off that pedestal; he hasn't got anything more than you have, no matter how much it seems like you need him to choose you, to be a part of his life. You don't!
Because you know that when you feel like this - when you're with someone who elicits this type of behaviors in you - it's time to put the focus back on you and your own beautiful life. He won't go anywhere if he's on your page and truly right for you. You can't scare away someone who's right for you. You won't need do that to yourself with someone who's right for you. It's time to value yourself enough so that no one can take your away from your center like this. It's time to love yourself enough so that you get that you're the prize. It's time to remember that you're already her, Lily; you already possess everything you need within yourself to have everything you desire.
Whatever it takes to remember this, whatever you need to do to remind yourself daily of the truth here. Why do you like him? Why does he hold such power over you? Dig a little deeper below the surface and see what he really has to offer and why he has this hold over you. Is it him, or is it really you?
Thank you Jane 🙂 I appreciate your every word. I have read what you wrote 10 times already. And the breathing exercises help a lot too. I feel the problem is in me. It is me.... I let myself feel this way. It was not with one or two people , it was already with 5 guys. Before it took 1 month-12 months to get at this state of mind. This time it was after the 3rd date.
🙁 I like him (the last guy) because he is nice, he noticed me, he treated me well, he has a personality, he is warm, there is physical connection between us , and I act beautifully when I am around him....
This is what happened. He calls me in the morning to set a date and then in the evening all of a a sudden he says he needs time to get his mind straight, which I am afraid is a sign that he wants to avoid me.....maybe I am insecure....maybe he really needs that time, as everything between us went so fast.... but I have to be different this time. I should let him be, give him that time he needs. Before I would contact the guy, and initiated things, try to solve, show too much interest, which as they admitted later , was smth that pushed me away from them.
I have to get start to work on myself. I can't worry what he thinks what he is going through. I am not a chaser and I don't want to act like one any more. I just cannot allow myself feel this pain of being "dumped".
I find the links taking to certain articles so useful, such as "your own power", "don't give yourself away". Thank you for guiding me in rediscovering myself and empowering the woman inside of me 🙂
I'm so glad you're finding these helpful, Lily. I'm so honored to be a part of your journey! 🙂
One of the best articles I have read in a long time.
I have met someone and taking it slow breathing in daily the essence of what we are creating …we have not met yet..but are taking the time to really understand each other, to share and to get the important things first and then when meeting we will know if this is right for always or if not, at the least a beautiful friendship
We are older and battle-scarred , but with a shining light in our souls and I hope everyone takes inspiration form what you have written..
You are terrific!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Felice, and for inspiring me with them! You have a lovely approach to love, to meeting this new person, and the understanding that comes through of what love is all about.
"We are older and battle-scarred, but with a shining light in our souls" - What a beautiful way to describe so many of our own hearts and souls; thank you!
Jane,
Your emails come at the best times.. I swear they are so on line with what I have going on. Recently, I let someone back in my life who I have been skeptical about. On one hand, he is very sweet and loves me so much.. almost to the point of obsession which freaked me out.. but I wanted to embrace that love. On the other hand, I've never met any of his friends (and have known him for months), and he can be very harsh and moody at times. I even started being intimate with him, no strings attached, which worked for me, but not for him... And, last week, I gave it that one last open-minded shot.. If he loves me so much, how bad could he be? Well, we spent last night together and I just don't feel good about it anymore. I agree... it is important to breathe and listen to your instincts.. Had I done so, I probably wouldn't have let him in again.. I'm almost annoyed with myself. I plan to take your advice and maybe this year will brings a healthier interest!
I'm so glad the timing of my emails are resonating with you and where you're at, Theresa. You're so not alone here; we can go back and forth in our decisions so often in our minds because underlying our actions are so many emotions - and beliefs - that we may not even realize what's really going on. Don't be hard on yourself or annoyed. Today is a new day and all of these realizations - and revelations - are a part of our journey that make it clearer, that make us clearer, of who we are, what we really want, and what we want to do differently along the way.
Breathe in, accept what is, accept that you're human, then breathe out and let it go, release it all. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. It's a new beginning, a new way of being. And yes, a reminder to trust your instincts - and to remind yourself to find that place of peace and calm where you can hear what you really have to say. Whatever was, whatever has been, right now is a brand new time and place!
Love love love this!
This is certainly my year of change and I claim it for all you wonderful ladies as well. We need to do something different in order to get different results. I've set many goals for myself and laid out a plan for achieving each one. It makes me very excited because im building my own reality. I realize that most of us wont even have the time to think about no man once we start focusing on getting ourselves together. Ah the revelation!
It's a new year. Another shot at getting it right... I'm healing from a heartbreak and cut off all contact with the guy. I realized my level of seriousness when for the first time, I ignored his text. Since meeting him (over a year now) , this is my FIRST time ignoring his attempts to talk to me. Hahah it reals good because my brain has finally processed the phrase "evil needs an invitation" and "you teach people how to treat you"
Im going to get it right this time. I'm going to find my king or rather, he'll find me. Whether it be this past guy or someone new. And the thought of someone new excites me lol. Anyways, im ranting. But just know that you can do this everyone! Breath and declare it
I'm so excited to share in this with you, Mimi. I know what that means to finally feel what if feels like to realize that you're in control of your own life, that you're the one doing the choosing, that you're the one holding your own power and not giving it away to anyone else in the name of what we thought was love.
You aregetting it! All of this! Feel that excitement, that energy that you've created for yourself with this new way of thinking, this new way of seeing, this new way of being that you've brought about. This isn't about anyone else; it's about you! Don't let anyone bring you down or take away this beautiful spark; this is you, this is life, this is love! Exactly, Mimi; thank you for inspiring us all.
Love it!!!!
Hi,
Well you are right about this one;
''knowing that trying to change too many things at one time is a recipe for failure''
When I want more than one thing at a time, I get chaotic...Which leads to nothing.
I have indeed opened my heart and let the universe know that I was ready for the real thing (love).
But I was little bit rushing into it emotionally! I was like...I want to date now not tomorrow!!
This article made me feel more calm and grateful.
It made me feel that indeed, why should I rush for example to find ''love''.
The best way is to live and enjoy. And the thing called ''love'' should I experience like something joyful and exciting. Not something like ''I am going to fail if I don't find it, right today!!''...
What a crazy thought. I think this also a lesson is for me to practice patience.
So I am going to drink a cup of coffee and think about this and exercise the breathing part.
Thank you Jane for the inspiration! Bless you!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Maris. And yes, it's exactly a lesson in patience for all of us, of remembering that the type of love we're going for - the type of life we're talking about with someone who isn't going anywhere fast! - is always worth waiting for, worth taking the time to get there, in that place, in that space where we come from a place of knowing instead of leaping, of being instead of trying. This time, it's going to be different; this time, we're going to do things different. Relax, breathe, enjoy that cup of coffee; you're getting this, Maris, and it's beautiful to see! 🙂