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You are here: Home / 2014 / Archives for January 2014

Archives for January 2014

3 Simple Ways to Know Where's He's Really At

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A cartoon man and woman are dating but not on the same page. She thinks they are exclusive he thinks it's just a fling.We all want to know it's going to be different this time.

He seems different.

It feels different.

And yet instead of remembering that we've been down this road too many times before, we do the same things we've always done, expecting it to somehow lead to something different than the heartbreak we've become so used to.

It's so common that we all fall into these traps at one point or another, and it usually ends the same way it did before - with our hearts broken and our self-esteem reeling.

I did too, until I finally began to question whether what I was doing was working.

I knew the answer - it wasn't.

Once I began practicing this new way of thinking, this new way of being, I found the freedom and the confidence to handle whatever dating situation I found myself in.

More importantly, I was no longer dependent on what someone else was or wasn't doing. I took my own power back in a way that not only changed the way I dated, but also changed the way I lived my life in so many other areas as well. And you can too.

It comes down to these three essential actions that will completely change your love life.

1. Stop making assumptions

If you’re like I was, you probably don't even realize you’re doing this. We make so many assumptions.

We assume that if he asked us for our number, he’s interested.

It doesn't even cross our minds for a moment that maybe he’s collecting numbers and we’re just one of several that he’s picked up before us that night.

Or, maybe he actually has a girlfriend or is even married, and was just out flirting and having fun to see if "he's still got it", never intending to actually follow up.

But instead, when he doesn't call, we assume it’s us, that we’re not good enough, or that we said or did something wrong.

We'll spend hours thinking about it and talking about it with our girlfriends. Over analyzing and obsessing about what could have made him change his mind.

When we're dating someone, we assume he’s on the same page as us.

Whether it's been a short time or a long time, when we feel like it's going well and he’s still asking us out, we assume that he's feeling the same way.

We assume that he’s thinking what we’re thinking and wanting the same type of relationship that we want.

If we're only dating him, we assume he's only dating us.

There’s lots of reasons we make these assumptions:

  • It makes sense to us – if we feel this way, he must too.
  • Things are going well and we don’t want to do anything to change that or to make things awkward. We don’t want to rock the boat.
  • And the most important reason of all, we believe that if we just go along with it all, he’ll see how wonderful we are and choose us.

We think that it doesn't matter what he's thinking or feeling. We think that if we can just show him how amazing we are and prove our worth to him, he’ll be there too – right where we are.

We never think that maybe he’s a player, just looking for one more conquest. We ignore that he has a reputation, believing that we're going to be the one to change him.

We never think that maybe he’s only looking for one thing, or that he still has an ex-girlfriend in the picture, or that he has his own issues that hold him back from being ready to commit.

We ignore the little subtle clues he drops to let us know he’s not really there. Sometimes we even ignore it when he flat out tells us that he's not ready to commit.

When everything’s wonderful and the chemistry is there it's all too easy to make these assumptions. But it's time to stop making assumptions.

2. Be direct and communicate

It’s exactly because we make these assumptions that we don’t do the one thing that we really need to do to find out if this person we’re making our plans with and fantasizing about living our dreams with is right for us! We need to ask.

We've learned to behave so well, to not rock the boat, to not ask for what we need, to not let our needs get in the way of a relationship’s potential.

We’re afraid to say what we want, to stand up for ourselves and our own needs.

We forget that we’re also doing the choosing here. We don’t think it’s our place. And the last thing we want to do is give him any reason not to like us.

We tell ourselves that we don't want to play games. That we don't want to pressure him. That we don't want to be manipulative.

The truth is that it's not any of those things.

In reality, it's the only way we can find out if we’re on the same page and if he’s worth putting our time and energy into before we get too involved and before we have that much more of ourselves invested.

There are no guarantees, of course, but when we put on the table what we're looking for and find out what he’s looking for, we at least find out more than we would have known if we were only going on assumptions.

We know more of his terms, of where he stands so we can decide for ourselves where we want to go from here.

We can choose to stay - accepting the reality of what is – or we can choose to say “next”.

But the huge difference when we do this is that regardless of what we decide, we keep our self-esteem and our self-confidence intact. Because we know it's our choice.

Of course it’s not a first date type of conversation or even in the first few weeks. But once you’re starting to fall for him and starting to go there to that place where we can so easily go, you’ll know that it’s time for you to know.

And that's when you need to bring it up. Just ask.

3. Keep your options open

This is one that I had a difficult time with.

If I liked a guy, I went out with him, and I didn't date anyone else until I had a chance to see where that was going. Back to the part about making assumptions – I would just assume that he was doing the same.

I would think 'Of course we’re exclusive! Of course I don’t want to be with anyone else or to date anyone else. That’s why I’m with him'.

And that’s why time and time again, I would end up putting all my eggs in one basket, and losing my sense of judgment in the process. He became my central focus and I put all my time and energy and thoughts into being with him.

I thought that he wouldn't want me if I was dating other men. It just seemed  slutty for lack of a better word.

But little did I know if I had done exactly that, everything would have been kept in balance. I would have saved myself so much heartbreak by keeping my options open, by continuing to date other guys until I knew for sure he was ready to be exclusive.

I would have remembered that I was the one doing the choosing instead of trying to convince someone why he should choose me. I would have realized I was simply getting to know different people, different types of people, to find out who was worth getting to know better and who wasn't.

And as for him, I would have known that any respectable guy would have expected nothing less than this type of behavior from me, knowing that any woman who truly respected herself would need to have that level of commitment from him before she became exclusively his.

Instead, as so many of us do, I set myself up for the same heartbroken outcome over and over again.

You see, if there was one single piece of advice I wished I’d known back when I was single, it was that the fastest way to finding the right guy is to find out as soon as possible if you’re on the same page as him or not.

As much as you can have a feeling about someone, as much as you think you can instinctively know, there's just no substitute for coming right out and finding out where he's really at.

If it scares him off, it’s OK.

After not doing this for the majority of my single life, I’d much rather risk losing someone over him finding me too direct, than to go on holding onto the fairytale of what I wanted it to be, rather than the reality of what it really was.

Because ultimately, if someone isn't comfortable with you being upfront and honest with them, that’s a red flag right from the start.

The only way to really know if you're on the same page is to ask. Then you can make smart decisions.

He Won't Commit and Can't Talk About It

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A beautiful blond woman is upset at her boyfriend because he won't commit, as he just watches TV and can't talk about it.A letter from our beautiful friend, Vicki, who has fallen for a guy who seems to be battling commitment phobia (sound familiar?).

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I've been following your website for several months, and amazed by your laser focus insights.  So, now its my turn to reach out to you.

I've been dating him for three months.

He's a fascinating man, we can talk for hours and he compared us to Plato's Symposium - split souls who have found each others missing half.  He says we're similar in many ways.  He owns a large business and has a packed schedule.  I was very busy the first month, so I only accepted a few of his date requests.

After a month and four dates, I told him I was used to long term committed relationships, didn't like a casual dating, but was seeing several guys (no sex) until something clicked.

He said it was too early for a commitment, he likes me "more each time", and lets see where it goes.  We started seeing each other on weekends (would stay at his home) and one weekday night.

Every Tuesday, he would attend the opera (corporate box seats for four), but never invited me.Continue Reading

It's Time to Do Something Different

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Freeway exit sign saying Something Different indicates to a woman that it's time to do something different with her love life. There’s something we do that affects our relationships and keeps us stuck in the same types of relationships, settling for the same type of men over and over again.

We don’t realize we’re doing this, it happens so subconsciously most of the time. He’ll say something about it when we first meet, or he’ll mention something about it as we’re getting to know each other better. It doesn't matter when he tells us, our reaction is invariably the same: we ignore it.

We ignore what he’s telling us.

It goes right past us; right below our radar. Instead of hearing it, processing it, taking it in and letting it sink in, we do just the opposite. We see it as our calling, as a challenge.

We believe it's our role to change this, or more accurately, to somehow change him.  It becomes about us and no longer about him.

You know what I’m talking about here. It’s when he says something like “I’m not ready for anything serious”, “I’m still getting over my past relationship”,  “I’m not looking for a commitment yet”, or “I just want to be friends”.

We don’t do the one thing we need to do here …we don’t believe him.

We do the opposite.

We believe we can change him.

Whatever excuse we give him, we believe we can help him. We think we can rescue him, we think we can love him enough to change this, that we can be all that to make him want to come around and make a commitment.

We've been waiting so long for someone like him to come along, that we don’t see the reality of what is. We don’t hear the reality of what he’s saying. And it doesn't even occur to us to consider it long enough to accept that he might just be telling us the truth.

By the time we realize this, by the time the words come back to haunt us and we remember exactly how he told us this in the beginning, it’s too late.

We’re hooked, we’re already in over our heads, we've already given too much of ourselves away, invested too much of our time and energy to go back, too much of our heart is on the line.

We waste all that time trying to convince someone why they're  wrong, why they didn't know what they were saying.  Instead of spending that time with someone who was ready to commit, who was going to fall in love with us, we spent all that time trying to make someone see all that we had and all that we had to offer them. We missed out on someone who was ready on his own, who could see for himself all that we are and all that we have to offer him, without us having to convince him of our worth.

It’s not too late.

There’s always a second chance with someone who’s truly meant for you, my beautiful friend. But it’s time to stop doing this to ourselves if we want to start changing the way we do relationships.

Believe him.

He’s telling you where he’s at. He’s giving you his warning signs. He’s being honest with you. He’s saying it because he means it. He doesn't want to be pressured. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to take him on as a project. It's not your call to action.

He wants to be who he is.

Let him.

This is how you free yourself.

This is how you find the love that’s right for you. This is how you make yourself available for someone who wants what you want and doesn't need to be convinced. This is how it’s going to be different this time.

And this is how you begin to do things different.

He's a Great Guy But I Can't Help Putting a Wall Up

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A beautiful woman leans against a wall wondering why she is putting walls up with a great guy in a healthy relationship due to her emotional baggage.Our dear friend, Bri, has, like so many of us, been through plenty of relationships with the wrong kinds of men who wouldn't commit or cheated on her, leaving her with a bit of all-too-familiar (and very understandable) emotional baggage. She's now in a healthy relationship with a great guy, but finds that she's putting her walls up because she's afraid of getting hurt again. Please help her out with any words of encouragement or suggestions you may have.

Her letter:

I should start out by saying I am That Girl. The one who always jumps head first into relationships with men who don't want a commitment. As a result, I have abandonment issues and insecurities.  I've been cheated on in every relationship I've had since I was 18 and have been in a number of emotionally abusive relationships though never a physically abusive one.

Back in August, I met a great man at a friend’s house and we started dating. We hit it off and all my friends say it’s the healthiest relationship they've seen me in. He’s very open, honest and just as affectionate with me as I am with him. We became exclusive in early October and we expressed our love for the first time in mid-December.

The whole relationship has been easy and I have not struggled with ANY of my insecurities with him. We just seem to fit so perfectly, we have the same interests, we are both incredibly social, we are both affectionate and have been on equal ground for how often we want to see each other… this is the first time I've been with someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.

Then the holidays arrived and he went back home to his home state for two weeks. My abandonment issues crept up on me while he was gone at no fault of his.

He was still the same person I met and we talked every day, but it became apparent to me that the reason I have been so secure and comfortable with him is because I've been receiving confirmation that he was in this for real through his physical presence and our mutual affection and enjoyment of spending time WITH each other.

He got back on the 5th and nothing has changed on his end. He’s still the same person I’ve fallen in love with over the past five months, but I found that during the 2 weeks he was gone, I had started to put a wall up to protect myself and I’m having trouble knocking it back down again. I've somewhat pulled away and have been trying to spend time away from him in an attempt to make it so I won’t miss him like that again, but all that really accomplishes is making me miss him more because I love being around him.

I’m so angry with myself because he has done nothing wrong and has not changed in any way to deserve my reservations… they are purely self-preservation based off fear of past experiences. I don’t want to punish him for my baggage and I do not want to lose him because of what others have done to me and my inability to compartmentalize. I've mentioned a few things here and there as conversation has led to it about previous relationships, but I have not told him anything in depth because I don’t want to dump on him or make him feel like he has to atone for the wrongs of other men... especially since we've only been dating since August.

I’m not used to someone who is good at communication and I find myself bottling things up inside and trying to deal with them on my own because I’m not sure what I can/can’t say at this stage.  I've never been in a healthy relationship before and I really don’t want to end up making this one unhealthy because I may have been ill-equipped to deal with him being gone for 15 days.

What should I do? Do I tell him what exactly I’m going through or continue to try to deal with it on my own…? Any help you could give would be much appreciated.

My Response:

I want to start out by saying that you aren't That Girl.

That may have been your story in the past when you were treated in ways that didn't honor and respect and value the special little girl you were and the beautiful woman you became, but your past doesn't define you.

You are not damaged, and there is nothing wrong with you. The fears you have around abandonment and the feelings of insecurity that are so familiar to you are realities that you've experienced as a result of what has happened so far, but the fact that you can see your triggers, the fact that you understand why you have these feelings and how this has affected who you've found yourself attracted to in the past is huge. Be so proud of yourself for being open (and willing!) to see the reasons behind what you're feeling, but now see the reality that is true right now.

See how far you've come! You've attracted someone into your life who is different than all the others and you're now in the healthiest relationship you been in. The two of you found each other because you were looking for each other. You were ready for each other, and so you did.

But of course, it makes sense, that we also bring ourselves with us to each and every new relationship, which includes all of our past baggage and the resulting emotions and insecurities. You're so not alone here.

And so it makes sense that everything was going smoothly with how you were feeling until this trigger set your old familiar pattern of dealing with this in motion. Suddenly he's not physically there, so even though the reason is different from the past reasons, and even though he's different, you feel it as though it's happening exactly as it happened before.

Those old all-too familiar alarm bells go off as you find yourself falling back on those old familiar feelings that accompanies this trigger; he's going to repeat the pattern of the past and leave you just like the rest. Your worst fears come out, and the very worst fear of all that underlies those fears: The fear that you're not good enough, you're not worth someone like this, you don't deserve someone like this.

But none of these are true, and they only come from that dark place within that hasn't had a chance to come out and see the light yet.

When you acknowledge these feelings behind your fears, Bri, you can see them for what they really are: lies that we've bought into that we're still believing about ourselves on some level. You can bring them into the light so you can call them into question, you can let them go once and for all.

They are not you. They are not about you. They don't define you.

They're simply about a story about a girl, about a woman that used to believe they were true. The reality is they're not true. These fears aren't you. They don't define you. They don't define your worth. They're simply not true. It's a perception issue, not a worthiness issue. You're so much more than these thoughts that have been allowed to create this fear, this insecurity, this feeling in you.

This new man that you're with knows you well enough to know that he wants to be with you. He likes being with you. In fact, he loves being with you. He's even told you this - not just by saying the words, but also by showing you by how he is with you and how he treats you.

Don't be angry with yourself; don't beat yourself up here for how you're feeling. It's natural to feel triggered like this, but what's different this time is that you can choose to refuse to do anything about it. You can refuse to go down that path of retreating into your self-protection mode because of what's happened in the past.

This isn't your past. This is your new reality right now.

Whether or not you choose to share with him what you're experiencing or go into more detail about your past is really up to you and what benefit you feel will come from this.  He knows enough about where you've been that you certainly don't need to share with him anymore of this, but it's ultimately up to you.  Not because you can't or because you shouldn't, but because it's about a different time, in a different place, in a different pattern that isn't about him. It's actually not about you either, not the you that you are now. Because if you've read my post on exactly this, You're Already Her, you just need to remember this for yourself when you're tempted to fall back on the old familiar triggers and patterns.

Know that you're not alone here, Bri. When I first met the man who would become my husband, after he told me he loved me, I felt some of those same old familiar insecurities crop up from my own abandonment issues and I found myself calling my mom on more than one occasion so she could help reassure me by asking me the questions that I already knew the answers to, that would help to restore my confidence in me, in this new person who wasn't anything like the past ones.

It was in that balance of calling into question what I knew to be true of the new reality of this new relationship with this new person, that I was able to see on my own the reality of what is now, not what was in the past.

That's the difference that matters!

I hope this helps with a little outside perspective, Bri. Know that you are so not alone in going through this, and there is so much love and support for you as you create the new story of your beautiful life. This love you've found is exactly what you deserve and nothing less!

Love,

Jane

What do you think Bri should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

Never, Ever Compare Yourself to These Women

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A photoshopped image of a beautiful woman shows her looking into the camera, with the message that real women should never compare themselves to something that isn't real. We all do it. It's almost impossible not to. It might be human nature, or it might be cultural. It's probably a mix of both.

I'm talking about our need to compare ourselves to others.

We do it all the time, sometimes without even noticing. We compare our bodies, we compare our salaries, we compare our houses and our cars. We compare our children, our athletic ability, and our intelligence.

And the worst part isn't just that we compare ourselves like this, it's that we tend to compare ourselves to someone that we think has more than us, is better than us, or has something that we don't have.

We compare ourselves to people who are further along than we are, so it makes us feel so small, so insignificant, so far behind.

And that's where the judgment begins. And as we know all too well by now, there is no harsher judge, no one that's harder on us than ourselves.

But amongst all of this comparison, there's something that is so demeaning, so self-esteem shattering, so wrong, that it's something you should absolutely never compare yourself to:

Women that don't really exist.

I know you might think that's strange, but we're actually doing it all the time. We're surrounded by images of people that don't really exist, but we're made to believe that they do.

We flip open the cover of almost any magazine – it doesn't matter if it's geared towards men or women - and all we see are photos of gorgeous, perfect women in nearly every ad.

The same thing goes for television, movies, even the internet.

What we are told by all of these images floating around, even if it's indirectly, is the message, loud and clear, that we aren't beautiful enough.

And if our self-esteem is already in tatters, then what we hear is even worse – that we aren't beautiful at all.

The reality is that there is absolutely no good reason to compare yourself to anyone, since, like we talked about in the last post, you are unique and you have so many things that you bring to the table. It's a waste of time to compare when the reality is that these comparisons are like comparing apples to oranges.

Is intelligence better or worse than compassion? Is artistic ability better or worse than athletic ability?

You just can't compare these things because they're all so very different.

There's some good news – you can change this habit of comparing. Because that's all it is, a habit, and habits can always be changed. It's simply a matter of training your brain to put the focus back on you. This isn't about what anyone else has or doesn't have - or seems to have that you don't. You are perfect just as you are.

Look back to the list you made from Monday and remind yourself of everything about you that's so special, that's so great, that makes you the unique woman you are with so much going for you and so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you.

The only comparison you might want to make is with your own beautiful self;  where you are at right now compared to where you once were, and recognize just how far you've come. Look at where you were on your journey just a short time ago, and note everything that you've learned. Look at all of the ways that you've improved, and made changes for the better.

Then allow yourself to feel grateful for everything that have, everything that you are and everything that you have accomplished. You can show that gratitude by helping others that aren't there yet to get where you are now. That's the truest expression of gratitude.

And to help you to break the habit of comparing yourself to others, I want you to watch this video, and check out the other links below. These will help you realize without any doubt that the women in those magazine ads don't really exist.

And you would never compare yourself to something that doesn't exist.

Check out this article from US magazine showing how celebrities look in real life vs. how they are portrayed in the media.

Here's a great talk given by model Cameron Russell about how these false images of women are created, and about how models are actually insecure about themselves.

And here's another great video showing the transformation of perfectly normal, beautiful women into something that's just not real.

Are you seeing this all more clearly? How do these videos make you feel? Tell us about it in the comments!

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

32 Comments

A beautiful woman is on a date and she is confident because she knows her worth and knows what she brings to the table.I get it. I used to do it to.

We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.

As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.

We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!

You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.

We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.

But we’re missing something here!

You.

This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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