Why is it that we keep finding ourselves with people who don't love us like we deserve to be loved?
It doesn't matter whether we're talking about our friendships, our acquaintances with co-workers or our romantic love relationships, the point is the same. We're often drawn to people who aren't good for us.
There are so many reasons. Whether it's because of our backgrounds, our internal programming, our belief systems, the way we view ourselves or the false belief that we have to do something to be loved, we keep finding ourselves in that same place we think is the best we can do.
We don't even realize it.
It's so subconscious, most of the time we don't even realize it. In fact, even when we have that twinge of something not feeling quite right deep within us, that feeling of unease or anxiousness that we can't quite put a finger on, we still choose to stay where we are, believing that everything will work out if we just give it some more time.
We're used to it.
It's familiar. The negativity we're around, the subtle or not so subtle lack of love and support for the true person you are inside, the ups and downs, the push and pull scenarios, it all resembles the places we've been in the past so we don't notice that it's happening again.
It's not what we deserve.
And yet if we step back, if we listen to what's really being said and what's not being said that needs to be, if we can emotionally detach ourselves for just a little while, we can see that there isn't the love and support for all that we are and all that we have to offer whoever it is that we've found ourselves with this time.
We convince ourselves to stay.
We've gotten so used to this way of living, this type of pattern, that we actually believe it's better to be around people like this than be lonely without anyone at all. At least we have someone. At least we're not alone. So we decide to stay.
I still struggle with this.
Sometimes it's a friendship, someone who pulls me in even before I know what's happening until I find myself wondering why I'm feeling the need to explain myself, to over think what's being said or not said, and questioning my instincts.
I may have cured myself of this pattern when I turned my love life around, but that doesn't mean I still don't have the occasional subconscious draw to someone else in my life that's triggering me again. This one's about everyone in our lives, whatever our specific relationship to them.
But what if there's more?
What if there were people that love you and support you and want you to be your best self?
What if there were people that were looking for someone just like you and were only waiting for you to discover your beautiful whole self so that they would be able to discover you, too?
What if the only way to find this out was by letting go of the negative, unsupportive people in your life that don't really love you and support you in the way that you deserve to be loved and supported and held?
Find that place that feels like home, even if you've never felt at home before. It's that important.
It reminds me of this story in the news last week about a woman who wanted to rent a family for the holidays, and instead found so many people like herself that she organized an event so that they could all be together and find the support that they needed.
There's a whole other feeling that comes when you're around people who love you for who you are, who support that beautiful true light of you, who are excited when you succeed, who celebrate every single one of your little victories along the way.
They don’t have specific terms that you have to live by, they don't have hangups that require you to walk on eggshells around them. They are who they are and they never expect you to be anything except your own true self.
They're always there for you, not just when it's convenient for them.
They're the people you want in your life. They're the ones you want to surround yourself with. Keep going to those places that cater to people with your interests, your personality, your passions.
They're out there.
You might not find them right away, but eventually you'll find each other as long you keep trying. Because remember, they get this, and they're looking for you, too!
Great article - it seems that there are so many broken people these days looking to bring others down that there cannot be enough written about boundaries and not wasting time with these people. It takes a lot of self awareness to know who is really there to support you and who you want to support as well or who is just a self absorb, emotional vampire.
This is great information, just difficult to actually do. You have to be determined to stay focused. It also means we must take responsibility for our own actions and feelings. When alone you have to keep busy so you don't return to what you know is a bad situation.
This article is speaking the truth. It just tells me I made this year right dicisions.
I have had this year two friends of mine. I thought
I needed them, but i did feel at times that the way our friendship
Was , it felt sometimes weird. Or that I had to constantly
Control myself etc. i couldn't be myself around them.
But In the past i would be afraid because i would be alone!
But now I was not!
And I listen good to myself and do not want to be their friend anymore.
I decided that I do not need that, i need good hearted people who accept me.
It was the best decision, I felt more free! And the funny part is that
i met a wonderfull new friend !
I so hear you, Maris. It's that difference, it's being able to choose for yourself what you know in your heart feels right - while letting go of what doesn't - even though you might be alone. Because you realize there are worse things than being alone, and you found out that it's in making your decisions in spite of the fear, that you discover all that's waiting for you on the other side of that fear!
What a beautiful discovery you made when you discovered that sense of freedom and a wonderful new friend - all because you had the courage, and the love for yourself, to really listen to yourself and take back your own beautiful power to do what you needed to do for you!
Thanks for sharing, Maris - this is so beautiful to see this example of the way life can be when we listen to our own beautiful hearts and souls and trust ourselves to know what we really need and deserve.
Sometimes when messages in the form of articles or TV news etc comes our way with exactly that which we need to hear. I felt that I was getting too attached to the new guy but he is not the one for me, beyond the fact that we are not on the same page when it comes to relationship goals. This was a much more gentle and peaceful way to exit gracefully. My heart was clear that it was the best choice for me and him. I'm grateful he came into my life to show me that not all men are the same. As much as I fell hard for the first man, when I look at him objectively all I see is a mean, critical, callous, and lacking in compassion person. For me, it's as if I went from caring for a 30-something shallow jerk of a jock who cared nothing about breaking hearts by his skillful manipulation to someone with a soul. Neither men are perfect because they are both human. But only one, the second man I met, had humanity in him.
"... to someone with a soul." Love how you put this, Jackie; that's exactly what we're going for!
We should all go for this. I just listened to a recording from Anaiya Sophia called Queen of Tantra about calling in one's beloved and it's all about that soul connection. I told the second guy that I don't want him to be lonely and that it would bother me if he were for long. So I've set both of us free to welcome in the true soul mate love. Otherwise, we're occupying a space meant for someone else to our detriment.
Wonderful. This is perfect timing. I finally let go of the man who had a hold on my heart for a year the past month. On my bday a new guy showed up and he was a friend but a healing one. I've gratefully parted company with the second guy because he is not the one and his mission is done. I knew I was ready to love again when I told the second guy that I'd rather be friends zoned by him than have a chance to be the first guy's lover. An impossible thought to fathom once. So now it's a free and clear space for the true love. Not attached just committed. I'm even grateful for guy#1 for showing me that my heart was still capable of that kind of depths. But from now on, only for the real thing.
I'm so glad this resonated with you at this time, Jackie.
Sometimes the answers don't come right away, but when they come, they reveal a story of just how far we've come in this journey to loving ourselves and understanding what it really means to put ourselves first and not settle for anything less than real love.
"...But from now on, only for the real thing." - Love this beautiful statement!