Archives for November 2013

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

A man is walking down a path through a green field into misty fog representing a man who disappeared without an explanation from his relationship. — I am in so much pain.

Our dear friend, Sophia, has recently had an experience with "the disappearing man" and needs our help!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been reading your blogs and they have really made me start to look at my life. The information is very helpful and also the advice of others that read your blog.

I am in so much pain. I recently got dumped by the disappearing man. It has been very hard because even though I felt like something was wrong and asked him throughout the relationship did he want to be with me he lied and said that he did.

My problem is I have read the blogs on letting go and your recently one today about using your head and heart, but am so angry.

I still want to see him, I still think about him, and I still want an answer to why even though I know there really is no reason for you to just disappear on someone without an explanation.Continue Reading

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

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It's Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I wanted to take the opportunity to let all of you know just how thankful I am that you're all here, and for the words of encouragement that you share with me and with our community.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your lives with me and touching my heart with your personal stories.

If I had my wish, I’d want all of us to spend Thanksgiving together this year.

Forget the logistics, because, yes, I’m well aware that we’d have to rent a small stadium to hold all of us, but wouldn't it be wonderful?

All of us together, free to be our best, most beautiful selves, free to do what we want and live the way we want. Just enjoying the day without worrying about what others are thinking, wondering if they're judging us for being alone.

You could just be.

You could just enjoy.

Free of the worry about those inevitable questions from your well-intentioned family members about whether you are dating anyone, leaving you to wondering about the hidden messages behind the questions.

Barring us all getting together in this one joyous gathering that I can, at least right now, only dream about, we can at least be with each other in spirit. We can feel good knowing that we all have a safe place to turn, a community of beautiful, encouraging women that we can reach out to in order to get the support we need.

So, in the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to convey to you a sense of what I hope for you to feel this holiday season. I want you to see that it’s not about any lack. It’s not about anything you don’t have. It’s about what you do have!

It's about seeing the opportunity, the endless possibilities that lie before you. It's about being grateful for everything that you have in your life right now, and forgetting about what you think might be missing. You see, what very few of us see when we’re still in it, when we’re still in that place where things aren't yet the way we pictured our lives at this point in time, is that we have some very special things to be thankful for.

So, while there are many more, and I'll ask you to come up with your own that apply to your specific life and circumstances, to get you started here are three things you can all be thankful for in your love life right now:

1. You!

Yes, you know that beautiful woman otherwise known as you? The one that knows her own worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than she knows she deserves? You know how she figured this all out?

By going through what you've been through.

By being willing to put yourself out there and refusing to let your heart get hardened.

Few of us learn the things we do without going through our heartbreaks the hard way. Few of us remain unscathed. And yet, just by getting to this point, just by finding your way here, you’re showing that you've got that resilience to rediscover your true beautiful self and find a love for yourself first that you never knew you were capable of.

It’s only when we learn to love ourselves like this, that we shine that beautiful light of our true selves bright enough so that someone who’s truly deserving of you will be able to see exactly the woman he’s been looking to find in you.

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

I know it seems like the last thing you want to be thankful for. After all, that’s exactly what you wanted – you wanted him to call or maybe you were hoping for a commitment from him.

But please hear me when I say that if he wasn't there, if he wasn't on the same page as you, the very last thing you would have wanted in the end was a guy who was leading you on, giving you just enough to keep you hanging, wasting your life away waiting for him to finally be ready for commitment.

You would have found yourself in that miserable kind of a non-relationship with a guy who isn't really into you, a guy who is committing just enough for you to stay stuck in a relationship that he didn't really want.

No matter how much you wanted it to work out, know that you only knew the part of the story that was all about the potential only you were seeing; the rest of the story was the reality that he knew he wasn't on your page. The only ending that two people on different pages end up with is heartbreak, and you know you deserve more than that.

3. For all that is still to come.

This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. Your life up until now has just been one story, one way of seeing, one way of living. You are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the life that is still waiting for you.

We can get so stuck in that place of doubt, where we begin to think that the love and the life we desire, the life that seems so effortless for everyone else, is somehow out of our own reach. But when we come to see that there isn't a select chosen few who somehow deserve more, when we come to see that there is nothing we don’t have that someone else has, a type of shifting begins to happen. We start to question, we start to say why not me?, and we start to see the cultural factors that have played into a programming of how we believe ourselves and our lives to be.

With every learning experience along the way, a little more light shines through. A new way of seeing becomes that much more of a possibility, and a new energy and confidence begins to replace what was once only heartbreak and despair.

It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through. See yourself the way I see you; see all that is still to come for you the way I see it for you. You haven’t been forgotten, you haven’t been passed by. Keep that beautiful dream alive in your heart and soul and don’t let anyone or anything extinguish it.

You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday and every day!

How about you? What are you thankful for in your life right now? Tell us about it in the comments!

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

30 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

Follow Your Heart...But Use Your Head!

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I tend to live in the heart. On the emotional side of life.

Like so many of us, I feel so much. I experience so much on that emotional level, and I love to connect with so many people, to connect with their energy and with what they’re going through. It took me a long time to accept this as my own reality, and with that acceptance came the clarity that allowed me to start seeing the truth instead of the lies that I was mistakenly believing as the truth.

I started to recognize when living this way was serving my life and when it wasn't. And when it wasn't serving my life, once I could recognize that, I was able to make small changes to get myself back on track.

You see, my beautiful friend, while I’m the first to say to follow your heart, love with abandon, follow your dream, I also know that for those of us who only know how to do that, and wind up getting burned in the process time and time again, there’s a little piece I’m adding just for you.

Bring your head along, too!

Because there’s a balance here. Keep your beautiful, soft, open heart. Keep that beautiful emotional side of you. But bring the practical side that your head holds too.

Why?

So when he doesn't call or text or skype, you don’t take it personally; you see it for what it is.

Not a reflection of you, not a rejection of you; in fact nothing personal at all about you! But about him and where he’s at.

While your heart is wondering what you did wrong, your head gently reminds you that you don’t want someone who doesn't want to call you.

So when he tells you he doesn't want a commitment, you can make a decision that’s based on reality, not fantasy.

While the part of you that lives in the heart wants to believe so much in the potential of what you think he could be, your head reminds you to believe what he's saying the first time.

We can hang on for longer than most living on those little crumbs of what if? And we can see what we want to see even though we’re the only one seeing it. But in the process, we only hurt ourselves and bring ourselves down to a level that’s never where we belong. Your head will remind you to see it for what it really is - two people on two different pages. That's all it is - it's nothing personal.

So when he disappears, you don’t go searching for him.

Your heart wonders what you did to drive him away, and wonders what you can do to get him back and get back to the way things were. Your head quietly points out that he's actually been gone for a while, and that it really wasn't as good as you remember it being.

Do you see what’s going on, my beautiful friend?

You need both.

That beautiful open-hearted emotional side of you that believes and connects and feels and loves with abandon. And you need at least a little of that practical, logical side of you that provides the reality check that says “you don’t really know him well enough yet” or “it might feel like great chemistry, but you’re just not compatible” or “ this isn't about you; it’s about him”.

You know, all the stuff our soft hearts used to learn the hard way.

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

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A beautiful smiling confident woman is happy knowing that she is building her confidence. — Use this one little trick and watch your confidence soar!

I started thinking about how differently I would have lived much of my life as a single person if I knew then what I know now about what it’s really like to be loved and in a committed relationship with the love of my life.

I thought of all of you, and I wanted to come up with some way to convey this feeling to you, where you’re at right now.

I want you to have a certain kind of vision, one that all too few of us have when we most need it. I want you to see now, before you go through any more heartbreak, before you write any more stories of your life that aren't the ones you deserve to be telling yourself.

Because the thing is, we all get so caught up in believing this is all about the search for that guy, that special man who will complete us, who will make everything better in our lives.Continue Reading

6 Clear Signs That You're In a Toxic Relationship

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Tox·ic adjective täk-sik: poisonous; extremely harsh, malicious or harmful.

Are you in a relationship that's starting to feel like a toxic relationship? Are you starting to wonder if you've stayed too long?If the definition above sounds like it might be describing your relationship, then you're not alone.

Unfortunately, most of have been there at one time or another in our love lives, and experts believe that nearly half of all relationships could be considered toxic.

When you've been in a relationship that started out great (or at least seemed to at the time) but has gradually degraded over time, it's often difficult to recognize that things have gotten as bad as they have.

Often we're in denial about these problems because we so want the relationship to work; or we're stuck in the past, reliving in our minds how great it was at one time, instead of accepting the reality of what it has disintegrated into.

This is particularly true for us optimistic women that tend to see right past the problems and only see the potential.

If you're unsure of whether or not the relationship you're in falls under the category of toxic relationship, then keep reading for several warning signs to look for.Continue Reading

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He Disappeared Without An Explanation

Here's her story:

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

1. You!

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

3. For all that is still to come.

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

Follow Your Heart...But Use Your Head!

Bring your head along, too!

So when he doesn't call or text or skype, you don’t take it personally; you see it for what it is.

So when he tells you he doesn't want a commitment, you can make a decision that’s based on reality, not fantasy.

So when he disappears, you don’t go searching for him.

You need both.

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

6 Clear Signs That You're In a Toxic Relationship

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