I know - you want to know why.
Why hasn't he called?
Why is he getting distant?
Why won’t he commit?
You had a great first date, maybe even some wonderful second and third dates, maybe even a couple of great months where things seemed to be getting serious. And suddenly you haven’t heard from him and it’s been a week.
Or he asked for your number and then he never called, until you bump into him somewhere and now you really want to know why. Or he’s not ready to commit and you've had the conversation all too many times but you still don’t understand what’s really going on.
You want to know why!
The problem is that as much as we want to understand what’s really going on and get to the bottom of this behavior that doesn't make any sense to us, trying to get an answer out of him isn't really going to tell us anything we don’t already know.
Of course we want to believe that getting an answer will either make this all easier on us or give us an explanation that allows us to move on once we know the truth, the reality is that even if we get the truth, it doesn't change anything. Because no matter what explanation someone might give us, it's their own stuff, their own opinions and judgments and issues and has nothing to do with us - only about them!
So even if you do get more of a specific answer along the lines of, say, you’re too serious or you’re too emotional - does that mean you’re too serious or too emotional? No! It only means you were too serious or too emotional for this particular guy. It means you weren't right for him. And, more importantly, it means he wasn't right for you.
So this reason why he didn't call or stopped calling or doesn't want a committed relationship is never about you, but about him!
Do you see this, my beautiful friend? That answer you were looking for – that we sometimes go to great lengths to try to obtain because we falsely believe it will make all the difference – doesn't help us at all! In fact, it usually just hurts.
It only lowers our self-esteem and adds insult to injury because we end up being so hard on ourselves after for giving away our power like we do in our efforts to get that explanation out of him.
Because any answer that he can give you only tells you what you already know - that you weren't on the same page, you weren't looking for the same thing, you weren't right for each other. If you could have checked your emotions at the door for a moment, you would have realized this reality check for yourself without giving him anymore of your power.
You never deserve to be in that kind of position asking someone why they don’t want to be with you! Yet, we do this to ourselves time and time again!
The only answer you need to know…
There’s only one piece of information that matters here. For the right person, you will be just the right amount of serious or emotional – or whatever else you were too much of or not enough of – to him.
Do you see the difference?
Whatever his answer, or even worse, if you don’t get an answer and make assumptions based on his refusal to even communicate with you, just know that these are his judgments and opinions - they do not say anything about you, my beautiful friend.
You simply cannot be too much of anything or not enough of anything else with someone who is truly right for you!
I had a girlfriend of more than a year suddenly disappear. Out of the blue. Everything was going great and we were both very happy, so i thought, and one day we had a small fight and hasn't talked to me since. And yes it was a small fight to her too, I know for a fact. It's been 3 weeks. I haven't gotten any response back despite many attempts. Any help would be greatly appreciated, I am so shocked and all I can do is drink until I pass out because otherwise I can't sleep. I've never been so hurt. Please, I really need help, I have never posted anything online but I can't bring myself to talk to anybody I know about this so please if anybody can help please just give me something. I am ready to give up.
Tony I'm sorry no one replied to you, and I hope you didn't give up. The woman you were involved with was behaving very selfishly by ignoring you. That is horrible. Unfortunately the only course of action you have is letting it go and trying to forget about this woman. If she contacts you again, and she most likely will if she hasn't heard from you in a while, you should politely decline her advances. She will jerk you around again. They always do. Don't put up with any type of disrespect. If you do, more will be heaped on.
Who knows why she did what she did? As a female I think she may have had something else on the side she wanted to pursue and manufactured a reason for an argument to preface her exit. Yet...she wasn't going to give you any finality, just in case whatever grass she's stepping on happens to not be greener. In any case, these types do it again. They are selfish!
I had someone disappear out of my life TWICE. The second time, he was just my friend and it was years later, but it hurt just as much. I found out later through the magic of the internet that he had married a girl he became obsessed with while continuing to pass time with me and use me for sex.... for several years. We were in our late 20's. The girl was 15 I found out much later. Now he's 44 and she's 32 and pregnant with his second child. He pursued her for more than a decade while she told him she didn't have any feelings for him and I don't know why, but she finally gave in. Probably settling, at least I hope so. Thanks to the wonders of social media, I can see that after 5 years of marriage she looks fat and unhappy. I like to imagine that she is just using him for cash and will grow very tired of him and leave him. Haha...
I know one thing though, when he disappeared from my life a second time, but just deleting or blocking me on social media, I never reached out in any way to ask why. It was probably a year later when I found evidence online of his marriage and I understood - he knew I would have been hurt. But what really gets me and gets me good is how disposable I was. How he could just dismiss me from his life without even a goodbye - TWICE. No one deserves that. I literally hate this person now but it is my fault for letting him back in my life.
By the way, the first time he left me, he left town (within driving distance) to attend another college. He left without saying goodbye. I don't think I even had a cell phone at the time. I cried and cried. I went nuts. He did contact me again - six weeks later on VALENTINE'S DAY. I guess nothing he thought he might get had worked out for him. I was cold toward him but by April we were hot and heavy again. It was only a few months later when he became infatuated with this girl he met at a family wedding and it was months after that when I came to find out about this infatuation. I didn't expect it to go anywhere, but I felt hurt and disrespected. Still, knowing that he had feelings for someone else, I continued with him for some time after that, finding new evidence that his obsession with this girl continued. And all the girl did was...nothing.
To this day I'm still bitter that he got what he wanted. I'm bitter that I was so infatuated with him and so invested when he clearly wasn't. I gave him my body so many times and a great deal of my time. He treated me like a friend that he liked to F>>K until it was time to say goodbye. Then, respect and friendship could not be mustered. For years I have beat myself up about this. Don't do it. Don't be like me. If someone ghosts you, become super duper extreme Casper the Absent Ghost in response and don't ever reappear. Seriously, even if you see the person again in the flesh, you should literally act like you don't recognize them. Because people who do you dirty do not deserve acknowledgement.
Ahh yes, the need to know why. I think we've all been there. Funny enough, I'm one of those people who just answers her own questions... maybe they are not entirely right answers or they seem to harsh in an intent to just convince myself to let go, but I think we always know the answer. Why doesn't he like me? What is wrong with me? Am I not beautiful enough? What does she have that he likes so much that I don't? and on and on and on. It doesn't matter. With time we even realize he's not that great anyway. We just idealized him, we were in love with an idea, not who he was, how could we have been? The guy is many times not even honest at all!
In my case, I have come to realize that even if all those guys I chased after are very different on the surface, they all had the same characteristic: they didn't want me as a girlfriend, they sent mixed signals, liked the idea I liked them and I was there and even when they had a committed relationship with someone else, they were still looking for me, trying to keep contact with me or even other women. They were all womanizers without being so obvious. So as it turns out, there was nothing wrong with me. I was just settling for too little, I was just glossing over any nice quality they may have had.
There was nothing there. That spark I felt was me being insecure. Now I know that whenever I feel that spark, I need to act with caution.
I'm so glad this is resonating with you, Angel. Yes, you do always know your own answers for at least as much as what matters!
Hi Jane,
I have not talked to my ex-boyfriend since October 21. No contact from him at all I kept asking myself why especially since I asked did he want to be in a relationship and he said that he did. The only type of communication I have had is through a mutal friend of ours who said that he told her he is going through something right now and we are still together. He says that he loves me, but who does that to someone they love? We had been in a relationship for nine months and I just don`t understand how someone can look you in your face and lie like that am in denial and angry hopefully this article will help.
Thank you Jane. Your website has be invaluable to me during this difficult. I think I have moved past feeling the need to ask “why” but I can’t shake the need to be the one who tells him some stuff. My boyfriend, my best friend, my first love, broke up with me via text 3 weeks ago. He said he realized we should talk about it in person and said we could do so after he turned in some assignment. He has yet to contact me.
It is difficult for me to accept the way he has handled it, breaking up through a few lines of text. If he didn’t value our short romantic relationship, then I would have hoped he would have told me in person out of respect for 5 yrs of being bestfriends. In my need to have some sense of closure, I can’t help but want to talk to him about it. Not so much because I want the answer for a “why?” anymore, but because I want to tell him how much he has truly hurt me, to tell him our relationship was never something trivial to me. Its just so unbearably hard to accept that the most meaningful relationship in my life would come to an end in such a seemingly nonchalant manner.
Don't waste your beautiful words on him, Cecy. I know that's always what we want to do, we want to have that last talk, to get that closure, to pour out our hearts and souls with how much he's hurt you, how much he meant to you, and how much you invested in him and the two of you being together. Write out these words for yourself, my beautiful friend. He's not going to receive them the way you're picturing, it's not going to change anything except leave you feeling more vulnerable, more exposed, more of your beautiful loving heart and soul put out there so that someone who's not there - who isn't truly compatible with you in the way you deserve - can hear them but not be able to respond the way he would if he was there.
It's never a rejection, Cecy; it's two people who aren't on the same page and he's realized this first. You deserve nothing less than someone who's on that same page as you, who wants the same level of commitment as you do and is willing to do whatever it takes to get there. Don't take this personally. You're still the beautiful, loving, giving, beautiful woman you've always been and will always be!
Hi Jane,
I spoke to you recently about a guy I was seeing for a while who 'disappeared'. I since found out that he had a long term girlfriend, hence the disappearance! I ran into him on a night out a few weeks ago and his first words to me were 'I bet you hate me, don't you?' I replied that I didn't hate him, he should have just told me the truth. His response was that he didn't feel that our relationship was going to "go anywhere" and that was why he didn't get in touch anymore. This really didn't help me in any way as I was 99% certain that he had a long term girlfriend anyway, and was just lying to me about the real reason. I then asked him if he had a girlfriend and he categorically denied this. Therefore asking "why" in this situation didn't help me in any way, it just hurt my feelings, plus I was almost certain about his girlfriend and he confirmed to me that he was a man I could not trust!
Since the conversation with him I have been wondering what to do about his girlfriend. I feel so sorry for her knowing that she is with a cheating boyfriend, and if I was her I would want to know. Do you think I should tell her that he has been cheating? Or should I just stay out of it? I have no idea how I would tell her, I don't know her but I have a friend who does. I just can't get the whole thing out of my mind and would appreciate your advice! Thank you.
That's exactly what it comes down to, JG; how you would feel if the situation was reversed. While it's impossible to know for sure what her response would be, I do agree that most of us would like to know if someone was cheating on us, so there's nothing wrong with giving her this information so that she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with it.
Strongly disagree with giving the wife information about the husband cheating. Stay out of it. No one needs to be the bearer of bad news. Believe me, it will make you look petty, one will wonder what you had to gain from it, and the wife will actually blame YOU. I'm sure the wife suspects all over the place that her husband is a sleaze ball. There doesn't need to be another female being a "tattle-tale" because of her sour grapes.
I have a relative who used to do this. She'd repeatedly get involved with "taken" men, even proclaiming that she preferred the "freedom" of it, and then, when the relationship ended for whatever reason, she'd be sure to call the wife or girlfriend or even show up in person to let the poor woman know all about her man's misdeeds with her.
When in doubt, do nothing. Especially as nothing can be changed and you were a participant in the transgression, dragging his wife through it is just wrong. I hope you didn't do it.
Good point, totally helps our self-esteem, and true, sometimes the guy is just not right. Not ready for committment, not mature, not able to appreciate, too picky, only after models etc...but...sometimes women also can push away the right guy with extra clingy behavior...
And I am wondering what you would do about the guy like the one I am trying to deal with now. It's being going on for 10 years! He would date.me for a couple of months and all is well amd getting serious, but then he disappears for a couple of months. And reappears again full of apologies. He had such and such problems, could not find time and energy to date, but now he is all good and ready! You are wondering why would I not just move on and date someone else. Well, I did, I dated, and I married and I had kids with somebody else, while he still kept me under his radar. A few years later, when I am divorced we are back to the same game. And I did find another bf, but he is pretty much same, goes and comes bavk from time to time.
I would put an end to the games by refusing to play them, Nina, and if I realized I was repeating this pattern over and over again, I would realize that this was about me - and something I was subconsciously needing in my life - and take the steps to discover what it was and why. So often when we're involved in these games, or this type of drams - anything with this type of push and pull magnetic energy, it's because we're trying to prove our worthiness of being loved by someone who isn't capable of loving us the way we deserve to be loved. There's always a reason why we're attracted to men - and scenarios - like this.
But instead of doing the healthy - and self-loving thing - and refusing to be with someone who treats us this way, we find ourselves drawn to this because it is so much about a need from our inner self that doesn't yet know how to accept and refuse to settle for anything less than someone who is consistently there for us and capable of a real relationship!
It won't stop until you're ready to stop allowing men with these types of behaviors in your life, my beautiful friend, because once again, this isn't really about anyone else but you. But recognizing this is a huge first step to changing this, because this is exactly why you are as powerful as you really are!
More and more I believe that the best approach is to be whom you want to be in relationship and become a very good judge of CHARACTER. Alot of people out there have issues with bonding and intimacy and sabotage their chances because they can't be with what is good in life. The book "Safe People" By Dr. Henry Cloud is a good resource on being able to recognize a safe person over an unsafe one. It's Christian oriented but if you can get past the language and theology, it is very helpful. Choose safe people. Safe does not mean boring. Safe means respectful and available to love.
Nice! ?
Jane...you said it so sweetly. I just recently told someone this exact same thing.
Thanks for your kind words, Annette; it does make all the difference once we're able to see this for ourselves! 🙂
Wow! This is your best article yet, and I have LOVED everything else you post. This is the core of every relationship. It might be easier said that done, but if we can stop & reread this we can slowly accept this & work on finding the one who is perfect for us. Thank you so much!
You're so sweet, Amber. 🙂 I'm so glad this resonated with you! And yes, isn't it all so much easier said than done?! But it's in these reminders and as you say, rereading them - and my favorite, posting them somewhere so we are reminded often! - and coming to experience these reality checks for ourselves, we'll get there, every single one of us!
Why o why
I can speak from my own experience.
Verry stupid to ask why. It can have effect on your self esteem indeed.
And if you do not have enough confidence and a good heart... Your waisting your time
And energy. Waiting to get the answer from him. While you could spend on your own life or
A better man who suits you.
This article just remembers me to stay true to myself and
Be realistic. And to have the confidence and stay true to my good heart!
Than you Jane.
So beautifully said, Maris; all of your words here. We know it, but we don't, and yes, we've all felt that effect on our self-esteem when we realize how awful it feels to hear that completely subjective sentiment that we always take so personally - we didn't make the cut; we're not wanted. Such stinging lies we tell ourselves! That's so hard for even the most confident among us to hear, and yet we insist on putting ourselves through this time and time again.
Keep these reminders close to your heart, my beautiful friend, you have such insight already. Staying true to yourself - and to your more than good heart! - is exactly what this is all about!
It doesn't matter why. Even if he gave an honest answer it won't give you the peace you think an answer will give you. The only time you need an explanation is if maybe you did something that was clearly maladaptive which you need to change for your life's own good. Otherwise, just leave it be.
"Just leave it be. " - so simply put, so true. Thank you, Jackie, for summing this up so succinctly.
The hardest things are often very simple
Hi Jane! Thanks again for your wisdom. May I request you do a post about guys who return after having been not nice? It is sometimes hard to know what to do if that person was not good in the past. Is it possible that he was not right for us then but might be right for us now? Or is it the case that the right one will be right from the beginning and never give us a hard time? If you can find time to do this topic of how to deal with guys who were less than ideal in the past, I would be so grateful!
I'll bump it up on my list, Alice; look for it soon 🙂
Jane all I can say is WOW!!! You hit the nail right on the head. Eight weeks ago this person asked for some space...I was anger at first but then I realized that I was the one that needed the space to figure things out. You are right this is not about me....it is about the other person. I just was not enough for him....but I am enough for someone else that wants a loving and committed relationship.
Exactly, my beautiful friend! So glad this resonated with you and you were able to confirm for yourself what you already knew 🙂
You know, you are so right, Jane! You are not like ALL OF THESE OTHER relationship people, usually men, who advertise their programs with lines such as:
"What YOU are doing to push him away"
"Secret phrases you can say to MAKE him never leave..."
"Magic button you can push to MAKE him fall in love with you forever and never think of another woman"
"If YOU do THIS, he will fall at your feet and beg you to marry him"
"If YOU say THIS, YOU can make the biggest commitmentphobic narcissist of all time pledge to be your love slave throughout eternity!"
It is tempting to read this stuff and buy into it, but I think you are right on in all the stuff I read from you. The right man is the right man. I was married for 21 years...and didn't use ANY hocus pocus...He was just the right one (for a long time, but alas, not forever).
Now that I am over 50 instead of 20, I think it is definitely harder to find someone...and after my second heartbreak since my divorce, I am on a BREAK!!!! I haven't had a date in about 8 months since the breakup. I must admit I feel on the hopeless side...and there ARE A LOT OF JERKS/PLAYERS out there.
But thank you for your writings...the most encouraging things I have been reading...and unlike all the "you're doing this wrong" "say these magical words, and he's yours" or, "perform this erotic act, and he'll be yours forever..." schlock.
If the guy is right, he will be there regardless of any magical phrases you say or don't.
Problem is, most men my age fall into 2 categories: 1. Divorced, angry, men and don't want to marry again...just play and "hook up" with a string of willing women and, 2. Single men over 50 who have NEVER married with issues on
top of their issues that you wouldn't WANT to marry!
I know it sounds like I am generalizing, but I believe MOST single women my age will VERIFY my conclusion--based on painful experience.
I have been in the proverbial repair shop for a long time and do not have hopeful feelings and shudder at the thought of even putting myself out there again.
What do you think?
Thank you, Sue. You're seeing this, too! I'm glad you can feel the difference. What I think is that you should focus not at all on these 2 categories, but on the specific type of man you know deep down is out there for you. The one who makes you feel loved, and special, and beautiful. The one you can talk to about everything and everything. The one who is one whole person looking for another whole person in you. Show him more of you and he'll see you, he'll find you because you're exactly who he's been longing his whole life for. Don't look for what and who will only verify you're right; look for the one who's going to prove you wrong and show you what was your own truth all along. That's where I would start if I were you.
Hi, Jane,.
Thank you for your reply! OK...I will be on the lookout for "him."
Just two questions: Can you tell me WHERE to look and can you throw in some "magical phrases" I can use to reel him in?
LOL! (Just kidding) 😀
Thanks again for your encouragement and your articles...very helpful!
Sue
I see the same thing in many older men. Thus the reason I normally dated younger. Unfortunately, there are so few good men to choose from at our age. I thought I'd gotten lucky.
I Just had the strangest situation where my boyfriend of a year and a half disappears without saying anything. I won't get into the red flags but it's completely taken me for a spin just shy of fifty I thought he was the one forever. He's having family issues but can't call me for support and to just let me know I'm part of his life. These are the red flags. He doesn't allow me to be part of his life outside of me. It's been two weeks as of today. I'm not functioning well at all but have to move on. The article above was perfect and the first one to pick me up from my fits of tears. You know I'm hoping this will all be over and he'll be back saying how much he loves me but truthfully how can u love a person and dessert them. Especially knowing I was in a tough situation with my parents the same week and the he goes missing. Thank you so much for shining positive light.