Here's a letter sent in by one of our tender readers who is desperately trying to find the strength to walk away from an all too common situation that she knows is unhealthy (the letter has been edited and name changed for anonymity):
Dear Jane,
I have been dating a man for the past few years. We started off as friends, and I knew he was still involved with a woman in another state. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, texting, and being in contact with me every day, consistently over the years. I started developing strong feelings for him, and started wanting more. I never questioned his feelings for me, since he showed it by his actions. I decided to ask him one day this was about two years into the relationship, how he felt about me, and he said he hadn't thought about it. That was hard for me, and it not only bothered me that he never thought about it, but I felt crushed.
I was in so deep already that I continued to see him, and decided to just go with the flow, but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted more from him. A couple months ago, he told me the woman he calls his girlfriend was coming to see him, and he would continue to call me, but it might not be as often. He asked me not to be mad, but at this point I felt devastated. It was then I decided that I could not live my life like this anymore. I felt so ashamed and like I was so insignificant.
I started to distance myself, but he kept calling and texting acting like everything was ok. I cut off contact totally for about a week, not answering his calls and texts and that made him mad. The woman left last month, and since then he has become cold and distant towards me. The texts and phone calls were limited to once a day, and a few days there were none. We continued to keep in touch, but the conversations changed to just surface chatter like how our days were, or just checking in.
I know this man is not available for me. After all this time, if he loved me he would want to define what I mean to him, but he says he can't. I am so hurt, and depressed, because things were so good between us, and now he is showing a side of him that I never saw before. The last straw was yesterday, when he said that I knew he had another woman in his life, and that our relationship was never defined. I took that very hard, because by his actions I thought at the least I was someone special.
I no longer want to be involved with him, and do not call or text him. He continues to initiate the calls telling me he is thinking of me, he misses me. I sometimes don't respond, which makes me feel bad, even though those feelings of guilt are lesser for me now. I know I deserve better and need to cut all ties with this man, but it is so hard for me to just walk away. I know this is not a good situation for me, but I can't confide to my friends what is going on, since I put him on a pedestal, and told them how wonderful he was and how he treated me like a princess, he showered me with attention, bought me roses, the whole works, but still can't open up about how he feels about me. I am embarrassed that I went along with him knowing he had a girlfriend and that is why I can't discuss this with my friends. I need the inner strength to walk away. Help!!
My Response:
Dear Susan,
If you haven't already read my post on letting go of this shame and beating yourself up like this, please read it. You are being so hard on yourself, Susan, and you don't deserve any of this judgment from either yourself or anyone else. None of it.
This isn't about what anyone else thinks, or how you could have settled for being with someone who had someone else in his life besides you. This is about you, my beautiful friend. You can do this. You are that strong. You have the strength to walk away and say to yourself "I deserve so much better than this!" and mean it. Because you do. The irony is always that it's when we settle for someone treating us like this, that we miss out on someone who would never treat us this way because we waste so much of our time and energy and ourselves on this person who simply isn't capable of giving us anything more. But it's never too late to change this, Susan. And you can make that change right now. By refusing to settle for this man and anyone else who could be with anyone else while he's with you. By standing up for yourself and setting a boundary on what you will and won't do in the name of love. Words are so easy to say; so many men have no problem letting loving words bounce off their lips while their behavior is anything but loving.
Know that you can do this, Susan; that there's no shame in what we learn not to do in the name of love when we're in it. It's how we grow, how we learn, even if we're afraid to admit it. You're not alone, there's so many of us who have been there and done things we're not proud of because it was where we were at the time. You're still everything you are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself worthy of you, my beautiful friend. And one day, you, too, will look back on all of this as a learning experience that taught you to believe in yourself in spite of what any he says or does.
You deserve everything love and life have to offer you, Susan; it's up to you to accept it!
What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!
Nora,
Your bf sounds like my ex, who I broke up with at the end of July, and tried to very hard to convince for a second chance afterward. Until last night, he finally told me that he couldn't give me what I wanted, a family down the road. That was my closure.
I would buy his excuses, when he was flirting with other girls/exes; I would convince myself that he was the one for me.
He was my first love, and I was in this relationship for 3 years and 4 months, and we lived together for 2 years. During the time, he was unemployed, his family and I were helping him financially. He wouldn't hold my hands in public, because it was not his thing.
He did introduced me to his friends and family. The funny thing was, our mutual friends said that I was too foo for him, that I deserved better. But I only wanted him, and wanted to have a future with him, because I love him so much.
His rejection made me think that I was not good enough, and questioned my own value. But that is not the case, I know how good I am. The irony is that some of his family members are still my FB friends. He deleted his account because he decided to join the army. Even when he had a fb account, he wouldn't post our pictures. His family members would post our pictures and commented like: cute couple and etc.
I am a very private person. I'd prefer not to have a history of exes on my timeline. Once you get married, maybe share some joy there. But not for dating/relationship.
Nora, I know this is hard. But are you happy in your relationship? I cried a river after the breakup, during my begging to get a second chance. But, deep down, I know there is nothing good coming out of this relationship. Is it easy for me? Gosh, I even scheduled an appointment with a therapist, because I had to fight my tears during working, which I can't allow to happen. I need my professional life to thrive and succeed.
My ex doesn't see my value, but I don't need his validation. I will cry, be sad, be depressed and be heartbroken. But I will survive.
Nora, I hope the best for you.
By the way, I am 32, which makes to worry about being alone in the future. But, it is better to be a happy myself other than being with someone I always worry who I might lose or I would have to chase for.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I spent all day reading and reading stories of women who are in my same shoes. Today I feel so much better and woke up in a much more postivie mood. The more he gives me the silent treatment oh, but he is quick to eat what I have cooked for him. The more I realize he is not for me. I will never be happy if he does not see the things he needs to do different. I dont need him to change, I just need him to do things differently and be more considerate and affectionate. But he says that is not him. But he has been there before so I know he is capable of being that way, I guess he is just not strong in love with me to be that way with me. He knows I wont fight for us if we choose to part ways. I think that is his fear because he will just not talk to me and tell me what we need to fix. But at the same time why should I worry about his fears when I have my own to worry about. Today I am taking the next step to let him know I ready to eith talk and make this work or just part ways and never talk again. If things dont work between him and I , I dont ever want to talk or see him ever again. I had not talk to anyone until recently and this has been eating at me for far too long. I am not this person I feel he has made me week and I need to get back up and fight for my happines that I want and deserve.
Thanks again
Nora,
I have been reading stories on this website too. They give me strength to be brave. But I still find myself in tears from time to time, especially when I am not working.
One common mistake that all the women here made is that we expected our partners to change. But there is an old saying in my culture ( I am international): it's easy to change rivers and mountains, but hard to change a person's nature. If there is no drastic event happen in a person'a life, the path of his/her life will hardly change.
It could be losing a relationship, which mignt teach someone to cherish and appreciate a valuable partner, but we are not the lucky ones. I think the meaning of my past relationship is to teach me to love myself and learn to let it go if it's not the right person, not to hold onto it and exhaust myself.
Nora, I hope things will go well for you and it will work out for you.
I now know how hurtful a breakup could be. When my ex said: I love you, but it just didn't work out. My heart literally ached and became empty. But, life goes on. It's painful now, but this too shall pass.
Wish you the best.
I guess I am coming to realize that I stay because I dont want to start all over again. I am only getting dissapointment out of it. I am not truley happy and I foucus on the times when its okay rather than the relationship as a whole. I feel so disconnected from him yet I find it so hard to let go. I have already talked to my family and friend over this , they all tell me to leave. Yet I keep making excused not to. I dont know why I cant just walk away. I feel so dissapointed in myself for still being there. I am a very strong person and one who knows that when things are good get out. For some reason with this person the more he is like that with me the longer I say. Sadly, I thnk he knows how week I have become. I do ask to talk and that we need to ,but he never like to talk about things when we need to. He goes on like nothing is wrong but I know he it putting up a front. I think at this point I am in need of Jane's programs.
Hello, please help I have been so depresed lateley, which is not like me. I am a very positive and releastic person. Since this relationship I am in , I feel the opposite. I am with a person that has a very big ego, is never wrong and nothing is never his fault. we have been together for 4 years living 2 1/2. He never tells me he loves me he never tells me he misses me. He claims that we had an understaning that we both know how we feel about each other and that we love eatch other and that we dont need to say it, but I dont ever rememvber having that conversation. He shows me he cares but he never tells me he cares. When we fight , he will give me the silent treatment for about 3 days. In the begining I would appoligize for the fear of loosing him. Now I dont I started treating him like he treats me at time and I do get an reaction ouf of him, but I dont want to continue to do this. I feel so alone and he does make me feel insecure. He did cheat on me before we moved in, which of course he claims was justified because our relationship was new . I have never had closure over it and of course that has made it very difficult for me to be fully happy. He also is the type when we are out in public he does not hold my hand its almost like he pretends to be single even on FB, he has only posted very few things about me. I feel like he does not love me, but at the same time I feel he does in his own way. But what is his own way? To this day, I have been wanting to leave but I can not find the strenght. And he seems he can not find the strenght to let me go. He claims he is tired of the way things are and things need to change but he does not think that we woth need to work on the relationship to make it better. He makes me feel like I the only one that needs to make changes not him. Like every that goes wrong is my fault. I am so tired of feeling this way. He can also be a selfish lover at time.
What are you getting out of this? Is this what you want? Why do you stay? Do you even think this person is healthy?
All I see in this comment is your description of an abusive person, a person who does what works for him and does not care about you. Someone who has no self-awareness and who is extremely immature and toxic. Start by figuring yourself out and why you stay in this. Find answers within yourself as to why you tolerate this. If possible, do Jane's programs conscientiously. You need to leave this. For your sanity and your own happiness.
"so many men have no problem letting loving words bounce off their lips while their behavior is anything but loving"??? It's not just men!
I know, Ray. Hearing you. Hope this is helping.
I recently met a guy who seems great. He definitely shows me that he wants a relationship with me, and talks about long term plans. I like him; I enjoy talking to him and texting during the day. However, the memory of the ex BF is so strong. The ex BF and I just had a great time together. I know I should never compare people. However, it’s hard when I don’t feel anything for anyone else. With the ex BF I was all over him. I could literally not sit next to him without caressing his face, stroking his leg, or just holding hands. I was very affectionate with him. I miss everything about him! Yet I have closed so many doors over the years hoping for a miracle with the ex BF.
As much as I wish I could completely stay away from him, I realize I miss him more than I care to admit. I have done everything to keep myself busy including accepting any invitation just to not be home thinking of him. The other day we were communicating via text. I sent him a text saying that although I miss him I know what he wants is an occasional hook up with no strings attached, and that I could not give him that. He responded saying that he thought of me all the time, and that he would always love me. I was very honest with him and told him knowing that did nothing for me because it still didn’t change what he would offer me. Before I knew it he showed up at my work. I hadn’t seen him in so long. I had so many mixed emotions. I couldn’t even look him in the face. He said he had to see me because he missed me. We talked for a few minutes. When he tried to hug and kiss me I broke down, I couldn’t control the tears. He asked me to please not cry, that he didn’t like to see me like that. Truth is that this man has such a powerful presence his sheer touch sends a shock of energy thru my body. He knows this! We hugged for a bit, and then he left, the next morning he showed up to my house. I can’t say he forced me, but I did everything I could to resist him, but my body couldn’t lie I miss him. That encounter left me feeling worst because it was all about him, and after that he disappeared again. I’ve made an appt. to start my therapy again. I know I can’t get thru this alone without help.
Bobbie,
I am defintely not one to give advice because I allowed this to go on far too long. I want to emphasize "I ALLOWED". I also feel that it will be hard for me to open my heart to someone new. However, since I have been staying away from him I find that I miss him, I miss him like crazy, miss the coversations, the cuddling, the passionate sex, but you know I don't miss the lies, the cheating, the feeling empty the minute he walked out the door. I no longer have that anxiety from not hearing from him all day. That anxiety would turn into me getting upset and saying something to him when I finally saw him. I finally blocked his calls/texts and realize that there is nothing I can say to him that I haven't said one hundred times. I have made it a point to make new friends, to go out of my comfort zone and evfen talk to other men. I'm in no hurry to start a new relationship. However, that being said it is helping my self esteem to see how these men will drive hours to spend a few hours having dinner or coffee and the person who I would practically stand on my head for, couldn't be bothered to dedicate time to me without throwing it in my face. Of course it hurts me to see how he was able to go on with his life and is perfectly happy without me, while I struggle each day. I won't deny I still get upset that he is so good to the live in GF now. If that is the life he wanted why didn't he stay there years ago, before I had invested so much of my time and love into the relationship. It hurts to see how he spends so much money on her, and yet I was the one that was carrying the load when we were together. I keep telling myself each day is a new opportunity. I know I will fall and sometimes be tempted to reach out to him, but I have to remember all the pain he put me thru and realize that I deserve better. Bobbie, you, and I and all the other women that have posted here deserve better.
You have described exactly where I am at. I too blocked him as soon as the conversation about how "I deserve better" was over. I have to wonder, if he really was concerned about how I deserve better, why he let me sit for two weeks with no word. I cried off and on for that two weeks (actually for the better part of four years) wondering why he hadn't called. In the four and a half years we were together he never went more than a week that he didn't check in, even when we were broken up. I always thought we would continue talking no matter what. However, I am thankful that when I did question him, he finally came out and gave me that closure. He was such a jerk most of the time (no time for text, call, or visit) that I had been trying to pull away for a long time. When I left, he would always hunt me down and reconnect; one time as recent as three weeks before he dumped me. Why? Because what is best for me was never at the root of his behavior. He controlled the relationship from the beginning by using his attention as a pawn. Something that I had earn, to beg for....and I did beg for it.
In many ways, the whole mess is my own fault. All the red flags from the beginning that I should have listened to. The lies and cheating...and sometimes the truth that I chose to ignore. (I received a text clearly not intended for me about three months ago.) Excuse after excuse, that I accepted... SMH. I feel stupid. I never should have tolerated his ridiculous behavior, and I'm not sure why I did.
But, I no longer have the anxiety of whether or not he will call....he won't. Because I have taken over and removed that possibility myself. I've deleted all his voice mail messages and blocked his number. But, you are right. With the hurt and pain also comes a sense of relief. The relief that I now CAN let him go. I KNOW it's over. So much so that I no longer cry because I miss him, I cry because of the way he treated me. That in his mind I wasn't even worthy of a break up call.
But, I am a beautiful woman, and eventually, a few months down the road, he will see me in the club...and he will want to talk to me. I know this because I know him. But, it won't happen; he will never get close enough to talk to me again, because now.... he is not worth my time.
Daisy.... Mine is a similar story. I had been widowed for three years and was beginning to date. It was my third night out. I met my guy in a club and the first thing I asked is was he married. He told me he had never been married. So I agreed to go out with him. I was just planning on getting a dinner out of the date. He was persistent and masculine and built...I threw caution to the wind and agreed to sleep with him on the first night...but I was determined I was not going to get involved... It was just sex. He told me that night that he was living with someone but had never married her. He made a promise to himself that he would stay until his son graduated from high school and that would happen in another year. So I would accept invitations to go dancing followed by passionate sex. It was fun.
Then one night he said he had to tell me something....and he pulled out his work badge...he had lied to me about his name. I had been calling him by his fake "bar name" for three months! I was shocked.. but, it was just sex, right? About a month later he got completely drunk and we met for sex. He professed his love that night before, after, and screaming it in the middle of sex. I knew then that I had fallen for him too. It was hot and passionate for about four more months after that.... the he started pulling the disappearing act.
I would go to the club, but if he was there and saw me, he would quickly slip out. If he came face to face with me, he would say he was just leaving and leave. Through it all, he still called me once a week. After six months of that and lots of crying, I finally gave up and moved on. Dated a little...no relationships. Then one night I was leaning over to order a drink and heard my name. I looked over to see it was him I was leaning over to order a drink. I didn't recognize him or even notice him. I was so shocked I leaned over and kissed him right on the mouth. We danced a little, he asked me to sleep with him. I said no and went home.
A couple weeks later I was out again and he showed up at my elbow. He leaned over and said he loved me; followed me around all night. I melted and slept with him. We got involved in a relationship again, but it wasn't the same. He would never ask me out dancing anymore...only run into me at the club. But he did call. For the next three years he would blow hot and cold, but never did a week pass that we didn't sleep together, and we talked on the phone often; usually every day, but no more than three days would pass that I didn't hear from him. We would get together for sex, fun, laughs, conversations. His son graduated and went off to college, he still stayed. I didn't say anything.
About March he stopped running into me at the club, we didn't dance all summer. Then about six weeks ago he started going a full week without calling. Sex dwindled from 1-2 times a week to once every week to week and a half. All this time, I would let him come to my house but he rarely had more than an hour for me. So my relationship consisted of one to two hours in the sack and a handful of phone calls a week, punctuated with a rare lunch. Slowly the visits became less and less. Back in July, I got ticked off after a week of being ignored and sent him a text, "fine, don't call" then blocked him for two weeks. The day I took the block off I received a text asking if I wanted to get coffee. I accepted. This led to another four to five weeks of being mostly ignored punctuated with a booty call once every week and a half. Until two weeks ago, he asked to come over...I said ok. We had sex, he called me on the way home, and I never heard from him again. Today I finally sent a text that said, "I understand you don't want to talk to me anymore. I will respect that, but I deserved better." He replied, "It's not that I don't want to. I don't have the emotional energy to do so. I miss you and the time out together, but I had to make some decisions or I would lose myself." Then he gave me the, you deserve better line. We exchanged another text or two before I told him we both know I was only a girl you picked up in a bar and "you deserve better" is the oldest line in history, right up there with "It's not you, it's me." His last text was, "wow, but old lines sometimes ring true." I just said, "Do they? It doesn't really matter."
So I guess that's it...four years worshiping him, being at his beck and call, all the laughs, hot sex, dancing...all of it thrown away without a word until I pressed. Just a piece of trash to be thrown away when you are done with it. I am left realizing that I was never anything more than a booty call... He was a figment of my imagination. I am heartbroken, devastated... unable to stop crying. I'm still in shock and disbelief. For four years I settled for less and less, listening to the excuses and believing.... until I wasn't even worth a phone call. I will never, not ever open my heart again.
Jane, thank you for your support. I know this will take a long time to get better. I'm just trying to keep myself busy going out of my comfort zone, anything to not think of him. It's extremely hard especially since he and the live in girlfriend live way too close to me and I run into them all the time. I own my home, so moving is not as easy as I'd like. Of course it hurts me to see how he parades around town with her now. I can't help but to remember when we would be together. I know it wasn't fair to her either because just like I run into them, she would run into us all the time.
Thank you so much for your article and for all the ladies that have shared their experiences. I was with what I call the love of my life for almost 6 yrs. he was wonderful, and I still think he was the perfect man for me except I met him at the wrong time. I have been married twice. I met this man and he just swept me off my feet. I knew there was something special about him that I took things slow and told him that I was still married, but my ex-husband and I were soon seperating. He had been living on the other side of the house and we had nothing together. Soon after I asked my exhusband to move out. I didn't want to start a new relationship with him still living in the home. I was honest with my new love from the begining, and I foolishly thought we was too. I fell madly in love with him after knowing him for arund 6mos. I would look forward to seeing him and texting with him throughout the day. However, something just wasn't right. A few times I called him on it, and he would give me some crazy excuse and I wanted to believe him so I would totally buy it. Well fast forward 9 months. I found out he not only lived with someone, but they were having a child together. I was devastated wtih the news. I stopped all contact with him, his child was born 1 day after I found out about the pregnancy and confronted him and his live in GF. Within days of his child being born he started texting me saying he wanted to talk to me. I told him I couldn't believe he would keep something so imortant from me. His response was that, he was afraid to lose me if I found out. That the GF and him were over and that he didn't regret his child, but wishes he would have met me just one month earlier (before she got pregnant). I already had deep feelings for him, and believed in him. I asked him if he had any other secrets I needed to know about, and how were we going to work thru the child issue? Things were good for awhile, until I discovered many other secrets he hid such as multiple affairs with multilpe women. I consider myself an intelligent woman, yet I made the dumb mistake of staying next to him always giving him my love and my support. If I had a dollar for each time someone would tell me that I deserved better, that he wasn't good for me, that I was too beautiful to be with someone as unattractive as him, etc. Weeks turned into months and months into years. Some how over the years my tolerance level of what I would put up with went higher and higher.
He is a burst of energy, such a social butterfly, and can make me feel like I'm on the top of the world. Over the years he went back and forth between the live-in GF and I. Living with each one of us for months at a time. Each one of us happy to have him in our lives that we never questioned his actions. Even if I tried talking to him, he would get defensive and tell me how stressed out he was. That he couldn't handle things. Atleast on my part I never benefited from him staying at my home, I paid all the expenses and he not once volunteered to help me out. My last straw was when after I opened the doors not only to my home, but to my heart, to my whole world and he stayed with me for over 8 months he just 1 day was gone. Not so much as an explanation. Just left in the morning like always and went back to her house. He came back later to get some of his things. I was devastated again. He will always say that he goes back because of his child, but I know better. We continued to see each other but each time it would turn into a fight because he didn't like for me to share my feelings with him. The minute I would mention to him that I missed him or ask him when he was coming back home, he would get upset and leave. Then he would tell me to just be patient.... I asked him how much more patient could I be? Then he messes with my head if I go anywhere even if it's with my kids. I kept reminding him that he left me and left a huge void in my life. I'm simply trying to lean on my friends/family to not fall deeper into depression.
I find myself thinking of him all day and missing the day to day things we would do together. Feeling rejected and used, and wondering what I did wrong to deserve the way he treated me. The worst part is I still love him like crazy, but I know I'm just destroying myselfe by sticking around.
Don't spend anymore of your beautiful time and energy wondering what you did wrong to deserve the way he treated you, Daisy. There's nothing that tears deeper at our already fragile self-esteem than continuing to go there. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. This is who he was. This is what he couldn't hide from you in the end. He did because he could and because he chose to. Not because of you! Because of him. Don't take his behavior on you! This is his, all his. Shake it off you and don't take it back. You're free, Daisy. Free. I know it hurts, I know how painful it must feel to be in your shoes right now, and freedom doesn't even cross your mind. But you've got to pick up the beautiful pieces of your broken heart and wrap your arms around them and never let them go again. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Yes, even throughout those 6 years kind of time. We're human. You will rise up again, stronger than ever before, ready for someone to find you who will love you, who will adore you, who will never, ever hurt you like you've been hurt before. You can do this! And you will!
I think you are an incredibly strong person. It takes so much courage and maturity to be able to walk away someone whom you have a deep connection to. And you choose to do it no matter how much it hurts. That shows you have a lot of self-respect and self-love. Life is too short, don't settle for less. You only meet the right person by letting go the wrong one.
Thanks for all ur wonderful experiences which i have learnt from. Stay bless. I wanna be part of this as am also struggling with my own fears.
What a story!
May I say it is a good thing to open up!
And see your blessings, you have a house and childeren. Which I hope are healthy and happy. It is a blessing to have kids!
And yes sometimes the one we love, inspires us to live better and to stay on the right path.
But it has to be out of respect and love. You both have to feel this and see the good out of it.
It is not fair to say to a women "without you I am going to die or it is going to be like hell etc. "
I think this is almost psychotic, like someone is playing games to keep you in it....
How I know? My ex, was depressed I even think maybe bi polar. But I saw this after the break up. Now his bad attitude etc. had influence on me! In a u healthy way..(insecure, giving 100 chances, hoping for better knowing you are not Dr Phill haha)
Only I have to admit, you have to be more honest to yourself.
If he is blocking your happinness.. But you are the one who allows this behaviour!
So stop it!
And no your daughters will not go wild etc. , you have to think long term.
Your life is worth and to be a healthy and happy women , mother. Choose love & health.
You can say; me & dad are getting apart because we do not feel the same anymore and mama loves you guys! Somethink like that.. And see what they will say...
I would discuss it with them. Kids see more then we know!
Good luck!
Thank you Maris! Being able to share my struggle with those who have been in my shoes and understand has taken some of the weight off my shoulders. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has helped.
Your welcome Renea, bless Jane for putting this site.
Living in truth is not easy, but for the long term it is a delight to wake up & see yourself without any lies or doubts! Just know that you are going to create day by day, by your self .
You are the creator of your life, this took me a long damn road to learn!
But I am learning..
Bless you & your kids! You are just doing fine ! Good luck..
I have read a lot of the stories on your site and I can find a little about me and my situation in each of them. I think my story is unique, but that could be me being in denial and thinking I've got this all together. I've been married for 20+ years. My husband has cheated at least 4 times that I am aware of, but I'm sure there are more. The last time I caught him cheating I told him that I was done. He immediately went into therapy and I did not attend. All of his reasons for cheating were blamed on my actions but really tied to his lack of knowing himself and dealing with his own inadequacies so I told him I wouldn't be going and he needed to work on himself. He put in a lot of work and I did see a difference until this year. All of his affairs started with being friends with women at work and those conversations becoming too comfortable and moving on from there. His therapist told him he should not have female friends who are texting or calling him and I thought we agreed that there would be no more female friends. BUT, this year I found a new female friend on his phone and confronted him. He told me they were just friends but I think I found out about the relationship before it had a chance to really get started. His excuse was he's knows himself better and had that side of him under control. I've been very clear mentally about what his indiscretions mean regarding disrespecting me and his children, but emotionally it's been a different story, but this time it was different. I immediately removed my wedding rings and told him I didn't see a future for us any longer. I've been writing in a journal for years that I deserve to be happy and he is blocking my happiness, but I think I'm finally ready to do something. We have admitted to one another that we are both scared to leave and he admitted that I'm the person keeping him on the right path from being self destructive (I did not take that comment as a badge of honor). The one thing holding me back is my two teenage daughters. My husband and I are still very warm and affectionate to one another and my daughters think we're happy because we have always been able to work on our issues outside of their purview. My concern is that he will self destruct if we split and that will really affect my daughters which I don't think is fair to them, but me being unhappy and consistently being disrespected by his cheating is not fair to me. I'm really stuck and I want to be happy but I don't want them to see the side of their father that I've been dealing with for the past 20 years. I'm a private person so this is me really stepping outside my comfort zone which is another indicator to me that I'm ready to go, but I'm so torn. I'm open to all suggestions and comments.
I can only imagine how hard this must be and how torn you feel.
From where I'm sitting, you staying with a man who, for whatever reasons, disrespects you like this, is not setting a good example for your daughters. They may not know what's going on, but they catch up on things on a perceptive level. You're not doing them any favors or setting an example of self love and self respect by sticking around a situation that's keeping you unhappy and from your true, highest potential. No matter what you do in life, your kids are their own people. They make their own decisions, interpretations and do what they think they should regardless of how much you try to rationalize with them.
Don't use them as an excuse to endure more pain. Trust me, it's not ideal.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was a teen, he came clean to both of us separately; my mom forgave him, never talked to me about it, though she knew I knew. Things were never the same after that even though my dad never cheated again. Things got so stagnant and annoying that I basically pushed my dad so he could file for divorce.
I regret not having had the best model of a healthy relationship and because of my unawareness it has caused me a lot in the relationship department. As a grown up I take full responsibility now for my own mistakes, but I can tell you, it did me no favors that my parents stayed together "because of me".
Think it through and decide based on what feels right in your heart of hearts.
Just a bit of my own experience. Hope it helps.
Angel, thank you for your perspective. It's an important one especially since it's my kids that I'm worried most about. I'm planning to have a conversation with him this week about separating so the kids will have time to process the change before returning to school. I'm sure he's not going to agree, but if I can make this first step I think I will be able to keep moving forward. Thanks again!
I read your article on found it very comforting.. I have been divorce for 4 years after 30 years of marriage.
I somehow began a friendship with a married old boyfriend that later turned into a four year affair .
In the first 3 1/2 years everything was well..however things began to change..the promises he made were empty,the lonely nights I had plenty of..it wasn't until the other day I realized I was more loneliest being in a affair with him.. What happened was I became isolated from my friends.. I couldn't bring him around social and family events,because that meant I would have too lie about his status..Many times I was invited to couple events,I didnt share in it because of the status of my married man.
I wasted my time and the guilt that I kept to myself ate me up alive..
I do deserve better..I do deserve to enjoy my life as well. Recently I began the ending process..shutting my phone..ignoring his calls and so forth. The pain of leaving him is so awlful, but in the long run I will be better off without him..
I am beginning in little steps to enjoy life again. .
So glad you're seeing this, Ruth. It's in those smallest steps that we begin to live - and eventually love - again!
i came across this site when i was looking for responses to my situation. am 24years old in campus. i met this guy who is in the same campus with me. we hit it off immediately and a month into the relationship i asked him about his past and he told me he had an ex in the same class with me. i was not aware of it but when i asked whether that would cause problems for us he said it would not since the ex had left him for some other man. now 3months into the relationship the ex discovered about me dating him and she started texting calling me and saying how i had taken her man away from her. at this point he handled it well telling her not to disturb me..i proceeded with the relationship knowing that we are fine only for him to tell me two weeks ago that he was confused about whether to stay with me or go back to his ex. he asked for a break to think about it. my reaction was typical knee jerk..i told him it was over...later it affected me so much that i called him to apologise for my reaction and i told him i was ready to give him time to decide but after saying this my heart was troubled. i could not understand why he would measure me against someone who left along time ago. so i made up my mind and called him and ended the stalemate.its been now a week he is back with his ex and am doing well. first music kept me going second i always talked to friends and third i listened to my inner self more and decided that the decision i made was in my best interests. i encouraged myself alot with quotes and inspirational stories. sometimes i want him to come back and beg and say he made a mistake but the more i think about it i realise that i deserve a quiet and peaceful life without baggage. i have opted to take each day as it comes and to emerse myself in things that take away my thoughts from the situation. one thing though that i learnt is self acceptance and knowing what is good for yourself. once you do that you can definately work towards being happy.
I ended things with a man out of fear. We were casually dating for 2 1/2 months and he said he was confused because he liked me and this other woman he was dating from his work and didn't know who he wanted to be with. So I walked away because I liked him too much. And it's been the hardest thing I may have ever done. I've never ended it with someone because I liked them too much. I've been a mess: crying, bargaining, etc. I broke down and contacted him and we spoke this morning for about an hour. He still misses me but he said he understands. And yes, he is into the other girl he said but felt bad that I thought he would have picked her. He didn't want to make me feel insecure about it all. But I was so honest and open about my feelings towards him, the situation, etc. I told him that you never know what could happen in the future. (I believe that's my hope that he'll somehow want me or realize I was the one for him... I don't know.) I'm just hurting a lot. I really wanted to be with him. I saw so much potential for a future. But I also want the man I'm with to only want me. I know that men can like two women at once during the casual dating phase... but was I foolish to walk away while he was still on the fence? Should I have hung on a little longer? Or was my intuition right to walk away out of fear of being destroyed because I knew how much I started to like him if he choose the other girl? It's too late now to change it but is there any hope in my situation... is there a chance he will come back around?
It sounds like you ended things because you intuitively knew you were with someone who wasn't on the same page as you, Michelle. And yet because you miss him so much - and especially because you saw so much potential for a future - you're second-guessing yourself now. Don't regret contacting him - now you know what's real. And no, this isn't your fault. You sensed he was already choosing the other woman before he said a word. He was already there. Not because of anything you did or didn't do or because there's anything wrong with you, but because you were simply on two different pages. Let go of the fantasy. Focus on what's real. You absolutely deserve to have a man who only wants to be with you! And when you let this one go, you'll be ready to see him. Don't wait around for this one. Because while anything can always happen - waiting around for it or keeping one foot in the door will only hurt you so much more. Yes, you'd be the first to know. But I have a feeling by then, you won't even care.
I am where all of you are. Walking away from someone you love feels so unnatural. Sometimes it feels impossible. I keep walking away and going back. Each time I walk it hurts a little less and I lose a little bit more of that love and respect. I guess for me it is a process. I feel the day fast approaching where I turn away and never look back. The hope part that everyone speaks of is the hardest part. The most insidious feeling in life is loving someone who does not love you back but sticking it out anyway. I am 30 days out today and I don't want to lose my progress this time. This may be my moment to turn the page. Love to all of you.
Love to you, Amalie.
It gets better. 30 days in is great progress. And you're right: loving someone who doesn't love you back and sticking it out is self destruction. There's nothing more deadly to the sense of self worth and self esteem of a person than that. Make it a priority to keep your feelings in control till it's safe for you to invest them in someone.
I have definitely learned my lesson in this.
"Each time I walk it hurts a little less and I lose a little bit more of that love and respect." - That's exactly how we do this, Amalie. Two steps forward, one step back but it's the only way we come to this in the way that matters more than any other way - our own way. I have a previous post about breaking free from emotionally unavailable men that describes this process in detail that may resonate with you. So glad you're here!
I had a similar experience except that I have not known mine for too long - only about 6 months. I fell for him and then at the 4 month mark, he said that he was such an amazing guy that he felt he had to "share" himself with many women. He said that he was an awful liar and that the biggest lie of all was saying "I love you". I haven't been involved with many men and it was/is the most painful experience. My whole life seems topsy turvy now and the pain is awful. Trying to just get through the day without tears is still a big challenge and I am so scared of losing my job because I can't seem to focus on anything any more. My life was so together before I met this player and I was a really happy and optimistic person. Wow, life can change fast! He has gone away for 6 weeks to another state and he is contacting me when he gets back - I just hope I have enough strength to break it off for good. I have broken off twice before, but he just clicks his fingers and I go back to him 🙁 It's so insane to be with someone who just causes so much pain and it's just not worth it. I really don't understand how these guys can even sleep at night with a clear conscience.
I read this article and answer as if it was for me. I have one issue not covered and that is that this man is a mutual friend of all my friends. Lives away and when ever he visits it is always a party and a great time. I am trying hard to remain friends and move on and forget. We were never supposed to be more it is so hard to be less .
Can you honestly say you can be friends? I have gone through that twice and by now I know I can't. It's unbearable. I simply can't. It just chips away at my self esteem. It feels so lonely. Be careful with your soft beautiful heart. Protect it. Pay attention to how your body feels in this situation. We can be so used to ignoring the red flags and our own feelings.
I I was (am) 'in love', but since he doesn't want to commit, I had to end this thing with him. I delayed it for too long. I am counting the days, every week is another milestone. My life is flowing, although I do get a it melancholic at times. I asked him not to contact me, after he told me that he thought about dropping by. He said he understood, but he has send me two emails since then. I can ignore those, but I am scared and hopeful to that he might call on me. It's so confusing. I really want to move on from this, but somewhere there is this foolish hope.
Going through a similar thing right now. Started dating this guy 8 months ago. He's very charming. Always available when I call him and texts back in a timely manner. We go on overnight trips almost every week. I know where he is all the time and we call and text throughout the day. When we are out, he holds my hand and always physically close. We have amazing sex! He has introduced me to most of his cousins with whom he hangs out with from time to time. I thought that it's time I find out what are we as far as relationship. So I decided to ask him. His response was, " you know to be honest lil mama, I haven't thought of you as more than a hang out. This guy is 44. Hang out? Really. I was really hurt and haven't talked to him in 3 days. It's really tough. I can't eat and sleep. It's an internal battle inside me from min to min to call him or not to call him. I kept reading blogs like this to keep me strong. I'm afraid I'm gonna lose strength and call him. Help:((((
It doesn't matter if you call him or not, Leilani. It's not going to change how he feels or more importantly, what page he's on. I know this was the last thing you wanted to hear from him, but try to look at it from the viewpoint of at least you know. At least you're not wasting any more of your time assuming you're both on the same page when you're not. Because as hard as this may feel, it isn't about you, it's about him. And you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you in the same way that you want to be with him. Take your own power back by remembering that you're doing the choosing here, and if you want what he wants than this is easy. But if you don't, it's because you're choosing to not settle for less than you want - and deserve! You're still who you are, regardless of whether someone is on your page or not. It doesn't change you!
Me myself am in the situtation just like Susan, This guy I been seeing him for almost three years and he also have someone in his life (his wife). He lied to me the first time i asked him was he married he told me no and the next day he came over he told me he was married and they having problems and she moved out. So I looked at it as if i'm not messing up a happy home since she left and been gone for two months he said. I found out that she moved back in and it didn't come from him. When I asked him about it he told me it was her house to and she had the right to come back per his lawyer. I didn't make a fuss out of it since he said he was sleeping in the basement I had no reason not to believe him since my relationship before him my ex had been sleeping in the basement for five yrs. before we separated. He told me several times he loved me I believed him just like I believed he was getting a divorce. September of last year they celebrated their 5yr Anniversary that broke my heart I stop talking to him and about three months later he started calling me and wanting to come over. Like a love sick puppy I let him back in my life and he came back with the same story about their problems just the other day I saw pictures of him and her together on FB and he was wearing his wedding ring out of the 2 1/2 yrs I only saw him with this ring on twice on that pic and the day after his anniversary party. I beat myself up about me and him yes I love him and I believe he did love me when the words came out his mouth but I know thats all they are is words. He belongs to her and I will never have him and i know if they did get a divorce I could never trust him. Its hard letting go and trying to move on I tried do this after a year into our relationship an old friend came back into my life and was started dating for about five mos. I had back surgery and he took good care of me and I hurt him by keeping it a secret that i was still seeing my married friend. I know i was wrong I let my good man get away from me because I just couldn't let go of someone else man.
We all have our regrets, Valerie, but remember that today is always a new day. It's never too late to begin again right where you are. Try to dig deeper into why you couldn't let go of someone else's man. You deserve someone who's all yours, who's free to be with you, and who would never think of being with you and someone else or lying to you about the true status of his marriage. Once you learn to recognize these red flags, you can choose differently in the future, but for now, don't beat yourself up about what you wish you'd done differently. Choose to learn from it instead and figure out how you can fill your own life so full of the people and things that build up your self-esteem and self-confidence so that you don't find yourself settling for someone who can't give you what you deserve.
I am trying my best and I think I am falling and getting up again and again, may be learning to fly and I believe I will get out of this self-created hole and I will live again. Jane, you will be the part of my success because your articles had helped me a lot and I heartly thank you for that. I can' t wait to share my healing story in the same page where I shared my pain. Thank you everyone who comment in this page, every body has something to teach here with there personal experience and thats the best part of this page. 🙂
So true, Asmita; everything seems a little lighter when you realize you're not the only one who feels the way you do!
Thank you Piper, I try to move on, I do for few days and not again I am calling him and asking him if he wants to be together.I think my heart hasn't accepted the truth afterall those love for three years that he will never be mine and it breaks me down.I am giving up on myself and my self confident has gone low thinking why can't I just let go of something that is disrespecting my life?
Of course your self-confidence has gone low, Asmita; you're looking to someone who's not looking for who you are and what you have to offer to validate you! And then you're beating yourself up about it. It's a double blow to your self-esteem that you, and only you, can put an end to. There's no shame in admitting where you are - so many of us understand and have been there ourselves! - but it's time to love yourself enough to change this.
Find out why you're doing this to yourself. If you can't figure it out, if this story that you've told yourself has such a hold on you that you can't get to the root of why you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you, then get some real help to see this for yourself.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, but if you keep chasing after someone who isn't on the same page as you and doesn't want the same thing you want, you're going to eventually feel like there's everything wrong with you and conclude that it must be true, when it would be a completely different story if you were choosing someone who was truly compatible with you.
This is no way to live, Asmita; and you deserve so much more than this. Don't stay in that place where you lament where you are but don't do anything about it. Choose you, Asmita, choose that little girl inside who knows she deserves better than this - even if you can't see it yet - and find your wings and soar!
Can't thank enough to Jane who has become my hope to get out of this awful situation.I am 200 percent sure that I won't get commitment from a guy who I am with from past three years .The hurtful thing is he told me before we dated that he will never commit still I agreed for the relation because I thought he will change after I give my true love but even after three years he never changed his decision.Everytime I bring this topic he shut himself down and he just reply one sentence"I am sorry I can't marry you and I told u the very first day " and I become speechless.But I still love him like before.The worst part is he blames everything on me. I cry, I become wild and crazzy because I hate myself for not letting him go even after I know the truth but I am holding him so tight .I gave him all I could on this relation.I never let him make any effort because I was always available.
Even though I knew he is taking me for granted I didn't play any hard to get game, I just ignored all the pain and carried on giving all I could.we started arguing everyday because how could I stay calm when all I had is fear in my mind and heart that he will leave me any moment .I gave up everything I had just for him.I don't see have anybody except him and I live alone.Staying all day in one room and running negative thoughts has been my daily routine.I shout so loud and he says in my face that I have no respect for myself, I am wild and nobody wants a wife like me and he thanks God for not marrying me.He saw this but he didn' t see how am I struggling with my depression, my anxiety, my loneliness .I have lost 7 kg in two month.
I tried to walk away several times but I end up going back to him like a poor girl .I gave him all the reason to be taken for granted and how can I complain? Now I am not angry with him I am fed up with myself as I think I am a loser who doesn't have any control on herself and its the worst feeling ever.I don't want him to dump me after all I gave.I want to be the person who dumps him for humiliating me for three years and not understanding me.I lack persistence and u feel bad about it.
I really want to end this but I don't have any energy to deal, I will end up in mental hospital if I stay like this for few more months.
Please help.
Oh, Asmita, forgive yourself. It's the single greatest thing I haved learned to do in my life so far. It's not always easy and it's not always obvious how but don't let that stop you from loving yourself.
You are doing the best you can with what you know. You thought you could change him and now you realize you can't. Now you know more. Now you know better. Now you can *do* better and make the best decisions for where you are and what you know right now.
Don't worry about the past. You're exhausted because you are spending all your energy in lamenting it and what you've already invested. The past is okay and it's fine where it is. It's okay. It's all been part of your journey to getting here.
Try to be "present." it will give you renewed energy. It is empowering. What do you want right now? What do you know right now? What can you do for yourself now? What decisions do you want to make for yourself today?
Forgive the past and put your energies into making choices for the "now."
This was such a great article. Love this site! It is definitely helping me though a tough time
Thank you, Em. I'm so glad it's helping you find your way through!
Firstly i love your site- so much brilliant information.
I am struggling with the same thing myself. I have a decision to make and quite quickly whether i want to continue with my relationship. A little bit of background information..
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Didn’t start very well as he was still messaging other girls. When i found out her promised he wouldn’t do it again (and he hasn’t) However that led to me mistrusting him, feeling second best, having the WORST self esteem. We ended up going to counselling for it- he did want to go to as he said he wanted to make the relationship work.
But 3 years in things just aren’t 'right'. We live together and happily too. But i am just not content. I still worry, dont feel secure, when we argue i go crazy and clingy and looking back i cannot believe the tears i have cried over the relationship. I feel his job and career are his priority and although he loves me i just don’t think enough. I have never once felt he was madly in love with me. He treats me very well- cares for me, cooks for me etc.
But i just dint feel like he is crazy for me- and every girl wants that right? Even from the beginning everything has been forced, i love you didnt come naturally, talking about the future didn’t come naturally, moving in didn’t come naturally. I still get jealous and worry about trusting him, often checking his phone etc.
Even good times all seem to be have been ruined by arguments, me feeling not good enough and honestly looking back at the past 3 years i have had some of the unhappiest times of my life.
But i love him i want to make it work. But the truth is are we too different?
Finally just to get to why i am now in this dilemma…He made a silly investment with money and i supported him 100% financially and emotionally. Things went very wrong and he continued to give more money. I asked him to go home and tell his family (as a act of tough love) to show him this needed to stop. I told him anymore money and i couldn’t continue (as he has also used my funds too). And he did. So i was very upset and hurt and 2 weeks in he has shown nothing to prove he is sorry. Texts saying we need to talk but no real effort to sit me down. When i asked him what his priority was- he said sorting the money out.
Now i know if i asked him to come home tomorrow he would. However he has made no really effort to sort things between us. Surely if he wanted to make a mends so much he would fight for me and us?
I know this is long i just need some insight,. I feel my whole life is so clouded with this relationship and i feel this could be a good time to break free and move on. Break free from the constant worrying, feelings of not being 'special' or enough. I just need to reiterate he doesn’t do anything specific to make me feel like this- he treats me very well, spends time with me , makes me very much a part of his life.
But i just don’t think he is as committed as me. If i left i know deep down he wouldn’t fight. I cannot tell you how much time I have spent over analyzing the relationship, looking through advice forums. I know he thinks I worry too much. Do you think its me? Is this my insecurity issue?
I'm married and getting ready to go through a divorce and got involved with someone who knew my situation and that I haven't had sex in 6 years. We slept together early and then he told me that he had a girl he was off and on again for 4 years with (what does that mean anyway?). Then a week later he went back there to visit his kids for the holidays and ended up staying for 5 months bc of work. He kept telling me he was with her but that we had something many people don't have. He texted and called all the time. He would get jealous and ask me about who I was with all the time and drove me crazy with questions. He kept saying he was trying to get back to me but he never said anything emotional to me. I feel like an idiot bc I asked him of when he came back and we got heavily involved that he would end it with her. He said he doesn't plan anything and let's life happen but that he's happy with his life and so he probably wouldn't let himself feel anything for me. And that he was only here for a year. And why would he end it with her when she doesn't bust his balls, they get along great and she let's him do what he wants. I said I thought we were building something an he said I was cuckoo for thinking that. But he still wants to spend time when he's back. I can't let go but I know I would be an idiot to see him. Right??
You're not an idiot, Toni; just a loving, caring, believing kind of woman who sees so much potential in this man! Yes, I would run for the hills in the opposite direction, but not before I'd check in with myself and ask some deep questions beginning with why you want to be with someone who would even consider being with someone else when he can be with you? And then I'd remember to go easy on myself, because we're all human, and we can be just so understanding of all kinds of behaviors when we feel that pull to someone like this. And then run away as fast as you can. Actually, calmly but firmly just say "no".
You are a beautiful person with so much to offer someone who is not involved with anyone else and is truly worthy of you! You're the prize, my beautiful friend, don't let anyone convince you otherwise! And check out the dance of letting go for some help with doing exactly that. It's never easy, but in the end, you deserve so much more than this and you will see this very soon for yourself. 🙂
I am truly blessed to have found such an amazing support group in you guys. I feel terribly alone in my situation right now but reading all of your helpful and insightful comments is such a comfort. I ended a 2 year relationship 3 days ago. Like most of us do...we hold on... Hoping for a miracle.
Oh Michelle, my heart goes out to you. So glad you've seen just how not alone you are here - if there's one thing we all share here, it's that never-ending hope for exactly that miracle you're talking about. We understand this all too well.
I have been in your shoes Marie. I just walked away from a man who was not right for me at all. I justified this by convincing myself that he was right for me and staying in the relationship longer than I should have out of fear of being single and starting over again. I came to my senses and ended things because the relationship would have ended eventually with more pain. I know I can can do much better and deserve more than a man who treated me like an option when I treated him like a priority.
Ladies,
This posting, in particular, has helped me tremendously. Recently, I've found the strength to walk away. My heart is hurting. My soul is empty. My spirit is numb. My tears are everywhere. However, knowing I'm not alone in this -- well, that makes it a tiny bit easier to endure. I know the only choice I have is to find my inner strength and to move on. Finally, I realize it's not about him or why he can't commit or give me what I truly deserve. He's really struggling with it and continues to text/contact me with "I miss you" & "I'm thinking about you." Today, tomorrow and all the future tomorrows will be about me and taking care of me. Jane - I will continue to read your amazing, inspiring words/stories/inspirations.
THANK YOU!!
CJ 🙂
So glad this is resonating with you, CJ. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. What you are going through is never easy, and the things you are feeling are so real, so raw, and so a part of the letting go process.
Let those tears flow, CJ, knowing that your healing with come through going through this, and feeling every emotion this process brings up for you. Your heart knows what you need and it's in making this choice of finding your inner strength and moving on, as you say, that you will come out of this a stronger, more confident woman that knows all that you truly are and have to offer someone truly deserving of you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, It still very difficult for me, there are are days when the pain is
so intense that I want to cave in and tell him how much I wish things were the way they used to be, but I fight
the urge by distracting myself and re-read these encouraging posts to reinforce my resolve not to go back, but to look ahead for the better days ahead. He continues to call and text everyday, saying "you're on my mind babe" this is so difficult, I get tempted to respond in kind, and to be honest some days I do, but know deep in my heart that things will never be the way I want them to be. My question is why does he do this? is it some kind of mind games. It's almost like he is punishing me for letting go even though he does not want me in the fullest sense of the word. I am so tired of this and it is affecting me psychologically, my thoughts are always fixated on him, but not in a positive way. I do not want to become a bitter and sinister person, but I am feeling negative feeling which I do not like. It's just too much to handle right now. some days are better than others, so I guess that is a good sign!
Oh boy, do I ever relate to this! I just went through this situation with a man not too long ago. In fact, it was finding this wonderful website and reading all of Jane's advice that helped me find my inner strength to say goodbye to my "glorified" FWB situation. When I say glorified I mean that we started developing feelings for one another. He spent Christmas with me and my family. We exchanged I love you's. I sat him down one day a month ago telling him I needed something more. That I needed to feel special. That I wanted our relationship to move beyond the casual dating realm. He was not able to give me that. He was also unable to tell me why. But after reading quite a few of Jane's articles I came to realize that the "why" from him shouldn't matter. That the only "why" that should matter to me is.... WHY am I staying in a relationship that isn't giving me comfort? I believe it was this site that said, "You won't find what you want until you stop accepting what you don't want". This has become my new mantra. When I told this guy goodbye the first few days were so incredibly difficult. I went through withdrawals. But like any habit you are trying to break, the more you are away from it the better you start to feel. And it was so true! I started looking forward to doing things I enjoyed again like going to the gym and camping with friends. After the 2nd week I was laughing and smiling again and then.....!! And then he sent me flowers to my home with a card telling me how much he missed me and all the things we did together. I was catapolted back to feeling like I did the day after I ended it. Then I got a text asking me if this is what I really wanted. I told him it wasn't what I wanted but as long as he was unable to move forward with me and consider us in a real relationship, that this is what I needed. And all he could say was that he couldn't give me what I wanted. And I responded, "Then I can't give you what you want".
Since then the happiness I have felt has been mostly due to sticking up for myself, my beliefs, my wants, my needs and my desires. If he can't take a chance on me then I can't take a chance on him either.
All I am really saying is that coming from a person who is fresh out of a situation very similiar to yours I can tell you first hand that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. The road to get there will be paved with tears and sadness but I promise you that there is happiness at the end. I can also tell you that there is this incredible inner strength within you that even YOU will be surprised by! You know you deserve so much more than this man can give you right now.
I hope you read and reread all the wonderful advice Jane and her readers are sharing with you. I know that I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for this site. I'm incredibly grateful and I'm glad I was able to give a little back. 🙂
XOXO
I couldn't have said all this better myself, Shannon; your response inspires me!!
Thank you. Gives me the motivation I need.
No easy answers if your heart is in it.. seems so easy to get caught up in the initial phase, and as women
we tend to think men feel the same way we do, and honestly I am just recently finding out a lot about relationships and how to play it safe.. yes it comes down to a game if you will, and this is due to dishonest and deceptive people who are not capable of having mature and drama free relationships. Some men want their cake and want to eat it too, they hold on to you while having one foot in and one out. I finally told the man I thought was my hero, who treated me like a princess consistently for three years, and all of a sudden for the past two months has become cold and distant toward me he claims it's in my head and I am putting on self imposed limitations on myself. This insults my inteligence since I know when someone I am being taken for granted and taken advantaged of. I also wanted in the begining just to have a easy and free kind of a relationship, but after spending so much time,feeling a mutual connection or so I thought; I wanted more. This is where I made the mistake of assuming he felt the same way, come to find out, he says, that's how he treats women, and what did I want him to do differently. Suffice to say I was crushed to the core, hearing that from him, but thank god by then I had started to distance my emotions and feelings for him and did not react to his cruel words. He continues to text saying he is thinking of me, misses me etc, This makes me so angry to think he he is playing mind games and just won't stop. So today I did what was my biggest fear, I told him I am walking away, this relationship no longer works for me. I finally got it out, and feel better for it. I know it will be a difficult few months ahead of me, since he meant so much to me, but it's better to respect my self and my standards than to chase after a man who I already knew had a girlfriend but somehow thought things would work in my favor. This was mainly due to his actions and the attention he showered on me. I hope you have the strenght to do what is best for you, but above all things protect and safe-guard your heart, I went through a deep depression for five weeks, and I am just coming out of it. I came out gracefully and with my dignity in tact. I wish you well Sharon!
Oh Marie, that took such strength to finally walk away like this! Be so proud of yourself that you finally were able to do this, as I want to reiterate that it is no small thing to leave someone emotionally and physically who is not good for you, and yet you still feel such a connection to him, even if no one else understands this. No one else needs to understand; it is our own private hell we go through when we have to make a decision to leave someone like this even though it may seem so clear to someone, or everyone, else. But you live it with all your dreams and hopes and might have beens that keep so many of us holding onto any tiny glimmers of hope that a miracle might somehow occur.
Know that you have done the right thing, as I hope you're getting from the support you're receiving on here from other women who have gone through this in their own journeys. It's never easy, but the only way is through, and you will get through this, you will survive, you will come through stronger and healthier and you will know that you really can do this, that you really are that strong and you that really do deserve nothing less than someone who is all yours, who only wants to be with you, and lets you know by both his words and his actions that he wants the same thing you do and is on the same page as you.
Focus on you, Marie, and all that you are and all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of having you in his life, and this will get easier with time. Eventually you will see, like we all eventually do, that it's these relationships that end in heartbreak that leave us with such valuable lessons for the journey, with a clear confirmation of what we absolutely do not want and a clearer picture of what we do. Please reach out if you need support as you go through this. No one should ever have to go through this alone!
I so need help....... I've been walking away in my mind for months & still wrestle with the thoughts of hope wishing things can just be right for being wrong so long. Knowing in my soul my heart can longer take the pain............. I feel like I look sad, desperate & stupid because how can someone who acts so wrong have you hoping it can be so right. Why can't something wrong be let go or better yet how much love can I keep feeding my pain??????
I see that this post was sent a while ago. I share your pain and agony as I am going through the same thing at the moment. I hope you eventually found the strength to walk away.
Not sure if anyone reads these comments any more since its an old thread. Reading the above comments have been comforting and good to know that there women who are going through the same thing. I met an old flame two years ago, we used to date when we were teenagers. He was amazing at first, very attentive, telling me how he felt. I fell hard. My last relationship before him had been abusive and I longed to find a healthy and loving relationship. I thought I had found it with this man. But after a little while cracks began to show. He called the shots, controlling when and where I saw him. He kept me a secret from his family although I never understood why. During the two years, he ended things with me several times without explanation and would ignore my pleas for an answer. I am ashamed to admit that I kept in contact and begged him to come back.
He told me that he loved me but he never made the time for me. Sometimes it would be weeks, months before he said he had a window for me. So today is Valentine's day and I am sat here alone. He doesn't have the time for me, no card, no flowers, no phone call or text... I have tried to walk away, believe me. I feel like I am going insane. I wish I had the strength to run but I know that if I do, I will never hear from him again...And I am scared. I cry every night and pray for the courage to make the right decision but still I am here holding on. Hoping for a miracle....
Aw, MCL, when you've settled in your own mind which is worse - the fear of never hearing from him again or living like you are right now - you'll know what you need to do for you. In the meantime, go easy on yourself. There's no shame in where we're at. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time, with where we are.
Very good feedback to a seemingly very complicated issue, emotionally that is. You definitely always get and hear what you need when you need and there are no coincidences is my belief... Just today I went looking through someone's facebook photos and found someone I've been seeing just returned from the Bahamas with what he titled a friend. He was someone I date over 10yrs ago and the infamous FB reconnected us and I took my time catching up and getting to know him all over again since there had been such a gap in time. He had a 3yrs old daughter when we last saw each other who is now in high school ( that long ago). Well chemistry and attraction had never left even when we parted ways back and it definitely resurfaced once we finally met up after talking for hours on end on the phone initially. I decided I would take my time and not jump right into anything that would complicate things. After a year I finally decide to go the next step with intimacy and had no regrets until these past couple weeks. It's now been a little over two years we both had come out of relationships and I was clear I was not looking for anything too serious off the jump. His actions and behaviors remained consistent with no reason to question. I was very honest about my situation and felt he was as well. Well, I recently learned he had been spending time with someone who started posting pictures and she even gave him surprise birthday party last year for his 40th.. I asked who was she and he claimed a friend. Well, his birthday just passes again in February and I attempted to make plans and for whatever reason did not connect. That very eveing I tried to call him and if he didn't answer he would never not get right back. Well, I happen to peruse her page and saw comments like she was out with her babe and a few friends for his birthday and keeping it simple this year. I again questioned her position as well as my feelings about deception. I wouldn't want anyone making such a decision like that for me and thought I was very clear. Well so far he does not know I came across the Bahamas photos and I'm pondering should I mention it or not. He spent time at my home that past two Sundays in a row so I assume it was the week before the first Sunday and they returned last Saturday according to her pics and then like clock work he was at my house on Sunday. I am lost for words because in the years I knew him I never had reason to doubt him or his intentions. I am not good at keeping secrets and not outwardly expressing something is bothering me if around the person I'm bothered by?? Not quite sure how to handle this one but I do know I will not allow this to continue further but I feel I need some form of closure.
I completely understand where you're coming from, Sharon. It can be so hard to learn about someone indirectly like you did, especially when you thought you were both on the same page. And it's never healthy if you feel like you have to keep secrets and can't outwardly express something to someone you have any kind of a relationship with - even a friendship. But what is and what we want it to be, can be two completely different things and mean something completely different to both of you.
So although you have been completely honest and open and upfront with him about where you're at, obviously this means something different to him. And that's what it comes down to - what is he worth to you in light of these differences? While it certainly seems like he hasn't been upfront with you about his relationship with this other woman, or he doesn't think there's anything significant about being with two different women at the same time, or however else he sees you and what he does or doesn't have with you or need to be clear or upfront with you about, this may be more about different expectations than a betrayal of trust. It's always hard to say without knowing both of you and the way your relationship has been going, but it sounds to me like you both have different expectations here, and while confronting him about it may give you the closure you're looking for, it doesn't sound like this is a black and white for him as it is for you, so he may be completely taken off guard, feeling like he's done nothing wrong, because he doesn't see your relationship the same way.
I learned the hard way that two people can be in the same relationship, and have completely different expectations about whether it was still ok to see exes, when I confronted someone on this back when I was single, and discovered that he thought were in the beginning stages of just getting to know each other and not exclusively dating, while I thought we were exclusive and acted that way. I realized much later that we were simply on two different pages, and if I had followed the practice of not committing to him any more than he was committing to me, I would have saved myself so much of the pain and heartbreak I experienced with him. So depending on what he means to you, you could clarify what your expectations are and hear from him about his own expectations and see where that leads. Or, if you've already made up your mind that there's nothing more you want from him, it really makes no difference whatever you decide to say to him or if you just decide to walk away. However you decide to handle this, know that you deserve nothing less than a real relationship with someone you can trust and never need to question, and being clear about what honesty looks like to you from the start can save you from so much heartbreak down the road!
Marie please just go no contact with this guy and stick to it. Do whatever it takes to accomplish this. Change your cell number, change your email id. No contact also means not finding about what he is doing indirectly like logging on to his facebook account or talking to his friends to find out what he is up to.
No contact is a wonderful weapon that lets you clear your mind and put the relationship in its right perspective.Use the time to build yourself up emotionally. Read good books like the betrayal bond by Patrick Cairns. When you do this for an extended period you WILL be able to see the relationship for what it is and him for what he actually is. Please know that you deserve the best , and you will have the best once you decide not to settle for anything less.
Wonderful support and reminders, Ann, thanks for sharing these tips. It is so true that this is a process, and sticking to what we know we need to do, is often more of a two-steps forward, one step back dance, then a clearcut decision. We can be so loving and understanding, all too often to our own detriment.
I have been going through the same thing, blaming myself. I fell hard for a man who was supposed to be just a rebound FWB, believing that we were both developing feelings, but finding out that in fact he's quite a player, and I meant nothing more to him than an ego stroke, one of many women offering them. I felt like such a fool! I am slowly starting to realize that I am not a fool - I am a very loving woman, capable of giving my heart, caring, trusting, and being honest and real. It meant that I was vulnerable, and taken advantage of, but if I had to pick a character flaw for myself, I would rather that than be a shallow, narcissistic player. He is the fool, not you. He's a fool because he had an amazing woman standing at his side, offering him the gift of herself, and he wasn't smart enough to see how great that was.
Here's a little visual that I have been using....try it and see if it works for you. Imagine that you are sitting across the table from him, and it's a business transaction. You each come to the table with what you have to offer one another. You start - you have to offer kindness, honesty, trust, affection, caring, respect, monogamy, ...add to the list everything that you offered him. And I mean everything. If you baked the best chocolate cake on the block, add that too. Then, let him list what he has to offer - shared affection with another woman, secretive shady behavior, etc. List it all out. Now consider this deal. Is it a fair trade? If he said to you "ehn...I'm not sure if it's the deal that I am looking for", would you think he's nuts? That he's in fact getting the better deal? I don't know either of you, but from what little I have read, I guarantee he was getting the better deal. And he passed? Is he nuts? Who is the fool now?
I have another visual that I have started using, where I picture us standing inside my back door. I tell him that I care about him, and would like to have him in my life. He answers "Meh... I can do better". I open the door, tell him by all means, go get it. And good luck to you. Goodbye. I close the door, and lock it. It won't be the last time that a man comes through that door.
You are in control here. You are the leading lady of your story. The heroine. This guy doesn't sound like he'd make the casting call cut to me. It's your choice. If it were me, I'd pass on that, don't even let him audition anymore. There are better choices in line behind him. Cut! And never, ever, feel like a fool for having given someone a chance. You are kind and generous and loving. Be proud of that!
I am so grateful for all the advice, and feel more empowered to do what is best for me. I continue to struggle
with letting go and having no contact with him. He is now playing mind games with me, and it is taking a toll on me emotionally. He still calls and sends me texts messages on a daily basis, saying he is thinking of me, or I am on his mind etc. I know he does not love me, so why does he continue to do this? Some times I get weak and respond to his calls and texts, even though I never initiate them, and usually feel worse after talking with him.
I can't seem to get him out of my mind, and truly want to do so, I would love feedback from anyone with any advice or suggestions to speed up this process of letting go. I think subconsiously I am hoping things will get better, and be like it was before, but knowing that it will not happen, I continue to torture myself on a daily basis, I just wish my focus could be on something that will bring true meaning to my life and not on some man who did not think twice of hurting me. Intelectually I know what I need to do, but emotionally it's another story. I hope I made some sense in this posts
Marie,
My heart hurts for you. Your journey sounds so similar to mine. I just
walked away from a 4 year relationship from a man who is emotionally
unavailable. The best way to do this is cold turkey. My ex was like
a drug for me; toxic, and I needed the fix more than my self-worth for a long time.
After going out a year or two, one day I was bringing lunch by, and
I'm not sure how it came up, but he said "well I don't have a girlfriend."
Not sure I heard right, I said "what"? And he repeated himself. I was devastated.
Here I was bringing him food, going out of my way, which a mere fraction of what I did for him, and he spring this on me. He
said his life was too complicated to have a girlfriend, and that he and
I were really good friends; I was the closest female in his life.
I somehow fought back tears and heard this mantra go on for another
two years. After giving him what I considered the most intimate, sensual, relationship I knew; we talked
And texted multiple times a day, spent every moment we could together. But, he clearly
Would tell me he could see anyone or go out with anyone he wanted to
Whoever he wanted. He would tell & scream at me if I questioned him
To the point that I had a low self- image and became very I'll. He was incapable
Of forming attachments, and of being living. Lack of empathy is associated
With being a sociopath, narcissist. Do yourself a favor and realize he
Not only commit to you, but he will frat everyone that way....even his
So called girlfriend. My ex told me, listening to me or talking about my feelings
Is a complete waste of his time. That was it for me. It's selective hearing, or caring
And typical of a mental disorder. See the Red Flag and run. I've tried
dor four years to get out and now I'm not looking back. He did not appreciate
anything about me; I hope he finds someone just like him; D. Love is
Patient, love is kind, I read in the Bible. What we are or have been experiencing
is NOT healthy. The sooner you can get out, the sooner you will realize
a world of possibilities out there. They do not deserve our time, energy,
Investment, or love. If you respond to him in anyway, you are aaying
you are ok with his treatment of you. Choose life and don't look back. My 3 sentence
final text was "Remember, Life is a Gift.....and how you treat people matters.
You treat me like shit- always have. Goodbye." And I diss injected my phone
and Unfriended him on FB. I am done! Choose Life Marie! You deserve
so much better!
Emm
Wow Emm, I just recently joined Jane's Web page and I read these stories that you all share and i just want to cry. I met my boyfriend 2 yrs ago , a close friend of mine introduced us. He told me he was in the middle of getting a divorce ! Well this did happen but that was the first lie he told me that I found out months later. We hit it off great he was sweet , kind , had things in common, he was almost perfect. I fell very hard very quick. I think because I don't like being alone I wanted someone to love and be with and I longed for contentment. To make a very long story short we moved forward and got closer and closer .he stayed with me s lot and eventually got his divorce , I got to meet his children and that went well , he met mine and that went well. 10 months later he asked me to move in with him and me and my daughter was excited and I gave up my security and got rid of over half my belongings because we went and bought all new to start our life together. Well after a few months of living together he started to change and he was confused on his feelings towards his x , you see he cheated on her and more then once because he was so unhappy in his marriage I found this out by talking to the x finally , and that upset him . He and I broke up he went back to her it lasted three days then he wanted me back , I was weak and gave in . It happened again and then the x got very angry that he couldn't let me go and he finally decided he wanted me in his future. We bought and old house and started remodeling it to become our home. Things were better then he started to say mean and hurtful things about my daughter and acted like he hated her , asked me to distant myself from my friends he didn't like them he hated my sister and he wanted me all to himself .I stayed I tried everything I could to make him happy and feel loved , I cooked I cleaned I gave him back rubs you name it I did it . I catered to his every need and his children . I changed me for him ! My friends told me to leave him and my family told me to leave him . I never listened . I loved him , he and I are still together after everything we've been through and now I'm realizing that I'm not happy. I have to ask him to cuddle , he is always to tired for sex and he says I'm a sex addict but in reality I always want it because I hardly ever get it . I like doing things outside with friends and family he gets mad if I mention doing anything and says he doesn't want to be around my family or friends .I stopped doing everything I love to make him happy and now I feel awful I miss my life my friends my family and being me. I started speaking to a counselor and she told me I need to walk away and do me for awhile again I didn't listen , now I'm unhappy , sad a lot and want so much to walk away but I'm scared and can't find the courage. I know in my heart he is a good man and I believe he loves me , he told me that he loves me but he's not totally in love with me that hurt , he says he'd like to marry me in a year or two but how can he say that when he said he's not totally bin love with me . He did a lot of damage to his past relationships and he feels guilty .he's not happy with himself I think. And when his x and i started talking and we're friends he freaked and said if I stayed friends with her that he would end us completely. He even asked me to not get so close to his mom , I found out that was because they told me all these negative things about his past he didn't want me yo know. Anyway I don't feel appreciated , loved , or wanted sometimes and I just want him to hug me , hold me , want me , give me compliments and or acknowledge me sometimes and I tell him this and it goes in one ear and out the other . Why can't I just walk away when I know it's what is best why do I continue to stay when he makes me feel this way ?? I know i want more in life and I deserve better but what am I afraid of ? And if I do walk away how can I be strong enough to not let his words pull me back in ? And last but not least I worry about how it will affect his children . Please help me to understand this and move forward . I know deep down i can find me again , that strong independent , beautiful happy woman again ! Why am I so afraid ? Thanks Tabitha...
Love these visuals you're using and what you've said here to support Marie and others, Murph!
Thanks for sharing your story and what you've found helpful as you're going through your own difficult time. In sharing what you're going through, it always helps someone else to know none of us go through this alone, no matter how much it can feel that way.
Honestly, Murph, it sounds like you've gotten to "Next!" 🙂
I am definitely at the "next" stage! It is not without pain and heartache. I still want that validation....want him to want me (why?? he has nothing to offer me), want him to regret letting me go. But I have to realize that it's all about *my* need for validation, so in fact I am doing exactly what *he's* doing. I have to start turning towards *myself* for acceptance and validation. I have to realize that I have an incredible gift to give someone. I sit at that table with a *sweet* deal for someone, but he's got to have an equally sweet offer. No more giving my high end stuff away for thrift shop prices. Easier said than done, but I will take it one day at a time. And yes, as far as he goes.... NEXT!
This has helped me as well!!! Thank you so much
This helped me so much!
This is an old post now. I am going through the same thing. Your words have comforted me, thank you x
We all make mistakes with our bad relationships Susan simply because we are human and not perfect, but if we can decide to learn from these experiences , that is all that is needed. I do believe that every negative experience that we go through is trying to teach us a lesson and once we walk away and past the test , we move onto something better.Just trust that God is in control and once you do make the break by going NO contact you will find that you will gradually heal. Love yourself enough to do this.
So true, Ann; thanks for this advice and support for Marie - I know it's only in going through this that you know what it feels like to walk this path.
I. Too find myself settling for scraps from someone that i know doesnt want a relationship just casual sex and here i am a year later embarrassed and addicted to settling for being a back up plan. Only. It hurts like hell
I'm 51 years old and back in the dating world after a very painful divorce being married 30 years. I am in the "grey zone "of a relationship with a man 10 years younger and it's been amazing being with him. The attraction, connection and chemistry we shared I honestly have never experienced with anybody . He pursued me when I wasn't ready I was still grieving but I will always care for him because he brought me back to life and I don't know where I would be if he hadn't walked into my life when he did. The problem has been that I just don't feel like a priority in his life we've only been seeing each other for the past 4 to 5 months butThe frequency has lessened and we just see each other now and then butbut I definitely give more than he does so I'm getting ready to walk away. I just came out of a seven-month grieving process of my marriage and honestly I will forever be thankful that he brought me back to life which is true but now it's ridiculous how little time we spend together and it's clear to me I'm not a priority . So I have been very emotional and heart sick again over this man and I have done nothing wrong but I can tell you that even a woman at my age and I am very strong I run three companies a force to be reckoned with if need be but even I was starting to feel insecure and I Lowered my standards and my self worth, which thank God I have caught myself in time because I will never compromise my value as a woman , for a man ...ever! I have raised three beautiful kids who are all adults now and I have a lot of fun , life ,love & happiness in my future and I will not waste my time and energy on worthless behavior by a man! He told me the other night that he wants to have a child and he knows I'm clearly done even if I could carry a child or get pregnant that is no option for me I'm ready to fly I have been in a life that I have given my time energy and soul to my marriage raising my children and working my tail off to make a living there's no way I'm ever going to start over raising kids. I have very limited time ahead being 51 so that time I will not waste . But please hear me on this key point.....no matter what age, 18 , 23 , 35 ....all of you ladies and women out there should value every second of your life as though there is no tomorrow !!!!!! I gave this man my time my energy my love and I was Vonora bowl so I have no regrets and I plan on telling him this weekend that he needs to figure out what he wants on his own and that I want him to be happy but that I am walking away and if it anytime he wants to date me and if a big if I'm still available I'll reconsider but I'm going to go live my life. I'm not gonna waste my time telling him what I liked or didn't like there's really no point I'm simply going to make it clear to him that my needs my wants my desires are not being met so I am moving on but I wish him all the best and I hope that we can remain friends. I know there are good men out there so I will continue to pray for God to bring us together I will be patient I will continue to create an exciting for filling life for myself and I know when I least expect it that man will enter my life.I am also a true believer in taking care of yourself and being the best of who you can be especially when you're waiting for the love of your life to enter your life you don't want to be depleted and depressed because that's when your life will come to a halt. You can't be open to a beautiful love if you yourself are dead inside and most of the time we women are dead inside because we've killed ourselves giving giving giving giving to people to persons to situations that don't give back in return and it totally sucks but it is up to us to take control and have boundries!!! I could go on and on and on but hear me loud and clear all you beautiful young lady's and women out there put yourself first, love yourself, value yourself and don't allow a man into your heart ,your soul ,your life until he proves HIS worth!!! end of story!