All too often we overlook the three most important essentials of a real relationship.
Looking back, these seem so obvious to me, but it wasn’t so clear back when I was dating.
Of all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, of all my “must haves” on my quest for finding my own Mr. Right, I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to the three things that I now realize are what actually really matter.
We all have our own lists of “must haves”, but these three should be at the top of everyone’s list.
1. He's available, both physically and emotionally.
He's physically available: This means he’s not involved with anyone else, doesn’t have a wife, girlfriend, or an ex that he’s still going back and forth with; basically he doesn’t have someone he’s still involved with in any way, shape or form.
It also means he’s got room for you in his life. Meaning that everything he's got going on, including his career, academic pursuits, sports, side interests, hobbies, hanging with his buddies, etc., all allow for enough time for him to be able to include one more very important priority – a relationship with you.
He's emotionally available: This means he’s emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship. He’s worked on any issues he may have had, he’s done playing the field, and he’s mature enough to recognize what it is he’s looking for in a partner.
Read: he’s not scared of commitment, knows what he’s looking for in a relationship (and it’s realistic), and he's willing to be real and vulnerable enough to let you in.
And, most importantly, he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. This one can be tougher than it seems - for example, if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want. This is where it's critically important that you know exactly what you want in a relationship ahead of time.
2. He treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
I remember being so focused on how I was coming across, how desirable and amazing I was, and all that I was putting out there to show him how great I was, that I rarely stopped to consider what I was getting out of the relationship.
And how he was treating me.
If I had, it would have been easy for me to see that the relationship was clearly not what I wanted.
So look closely at how he’s treating you, what he’s saying (and not saying). Things like how much of a priority you are in his life and whether or not he’s really considerate of your needs. Like whether or not he's completely honest, trustworthy, stable and reliable.
It's also important to look at how well he treats others – if he treats others badly, then you can be pretty sure that's the way he'll be treating you at some point.
3. He's really into you.
This one is important for one main reason: If he's not really that into you, then you're the one doing the chasing and even if you do coax a reasonable facsimile of a relationship out of him, it will never be what you truly want and it will most likely dissolve over time.
The bottom line is that you both need to be into each other. You know that you're into him otherwise you wouldn't even be considering it, but you have to make sure he's really into you also.
The tricky part is knowing when he actually likes you for who you are and what you are and not just for your physical attributes. If he doesn't seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with you and just being with you, at least much of the time (many people need their individual space, but let's be reasonable), then it just won't work long term.
You have to be real about it – looks fade and the initial passion wanes, but if you truly like being with one another then the attraction and passion changes into something that actually grows over time.
my ex boyfriends and I just broke up because we were on different levels after a year. I told him I loved him after 7 months and he never told me, not that I ever pressured him either because I new he cared about me and that what enough. After we broke up we had our closure discussion and I found out that he is looking for that magical all-consuming type of love. So he thought that is how I felt in saying that I loved him. My idea of love is simple. I see you and everything that you are and how you make me feel and I'm totally happy and wrapped up in us. Now with him being 31 I was not expecting that, so I laughed and then cried because he had such high expectations for this feeling that usually happens in the beginning and fizzles out that I really didn't have a chance and what we had was never going to be good enough. So afterwards I felt better about our breakup. I hope he finds what he is looking for but I feel that his inexperience makes him sort of naive in that romantic notion. I learned after my last relationship that love should not be losing yourself completely in the other person because you will lose your self identity in the process and that causes major harm to you and sometimes the other person. So I still see a future with my ex but not right now. I loved him enough to trust that what we had was very special and by letting him go to experience heartbreak he will figure it out. Am I kind of thinking in the right direction here?
Great 3 points! I believe there are many more but women can't seem to make sure these elements are there and obvious. How did you meet your husband/love of your life? Did he have these signs right off the bat or did they take time to develop? I also feel like sometimes these are presented to women but sadly they were not prepared for them because they're just not used to finding them. You do talk a lot about common mistakes from a woman's points of view...but have you ever had that 'Keeper' come along with these points and more but you were just not at a mature place to accept them? If so, how did you handle the situation? How should most woman handle when that 'Keeper' comes along but one isn't really ready for him?