I have a few single girlfriends who are now in their late thirties and early forties that are always asking why they haven’t been able to find their Mr. Right.
So I looked back at my own life to try to understand why it took me until I was over thirty to find him myself, after so many failed relationships, all which began with so much promise.
I realized that the single most important thing that I could have done that would have saved me so much time and heartbreak, the thing that I was missing all of those long, seemingly wasted years, is to have really known what I was looking for!
I know, it sounds so simple – you’re probably thinking “Of course I know what I’m looking for – a great guy!”
But what, exactly, does that mean?
I mean, what does it really mean, for each of us? See, these girlfriends are like I was: looking for this “amazing” guy we had pictured in our heads, who’s a little hard to get, a real masculine type, kind of aloof yet assertive, confident, powerful, charming.
The kind of guy that takes the initiative; a real guy’s guy.
But then we get involved with this guy, and after a (short) time we find he’s more interested in doing his own thing, hanging out with his buddies, than he is in spending time with us. Well, what did we expect? We wanted the guy’s guy, right? Of course that guys going to want to hang out with his buddies more than us.
Since these were the only guys we would consider, and we spent all of our time and energy getting involved with them, only to go through a heartbreaking, tumultuous, and ultimately disastrous relationship, we missed all the guys who were actually looking for a real relationship!
Those guys all seemed too “needy” or “desperate” at the time, or maybe they just weren’t hot enough.
And of course we keep repeating the pattern over and over, as we get older and older, and as our self-esteem just goes further and further into the abyss with each failed relationship, until we’ve gotten so deep that we don’t know which ends up, down or sideways.
Until we finally give up all pretenses that we have any clue as to what we we’re doing wrong, and, with our face in our hands, we give up our search for this guy who’s wrong for us anyway!
So why does it take us so long to figure this out?
As most psychologists will tell you, like it or not, it’s because of how we were raised. Our parents did the best they could, but the reality is, they just didn’t know any better. Most of them just did what everyone else has done in our culture: they taught the boys to be tough, and the girls to be submissive, agreeable and “sweet”.
That’s how we all got to this point in the first place.
Of course, the media only reinforces this with all of the swashbuckling heroes of the movies and novels that are hard drinking, hard fighting ladies men that we’re programmed to believe are oh so sexy!
But you know what’s really sexy? A guy who’s home with you at night, helps out around the house, and curls up with you on the couch to catch up, talk about your day, or just watch a little TV and relax.
So next time you’re drawn towards that guy with the perfect build, great hair, trendy clothes and charming pick-up lines, take a hard pass on him and look a little closer at the nice guy in the jeans and sweatshirt that’s kind, considerate, and actually wants to spend time with you.
I think you’ll be surprised at just how sexy he can be when he’s curled up on that couch with you.
I so appreciate this post and feel confused regarding my "Mr. Right"!! Just ending a year and a half relationship with a man who did meet this description:
"But you know what’s really sexy? A guy who’s home with you at night, helps put the kids to bed, and curls up with you on the couch to catch up, talk about your day, or just watch a little TV and relax."
However... when we were not together it felt more like he spent that time doing the opposite of that. Playing video games, going out to eat late and ending up exchanging numbers with woman for friendship... not doing the things he did with me and my boy when he had his boy... unless it was the 4 of us. His answer to this confusion when I shared it was: I can see how that looks like the single life but when we do live together and are a combined house, I won't do those things anymore. I only do them because it's just me.
So does my confusion make sense? Should we not live how we want to live to the best of our ability even though the situation or environment isn't just right? If you want a family lifestyle can you live it before you have it? or is there validity in adjusting to our circumstances because how do you play a board game alone?
So appreciate the insight and love
xo
Thank you Jane, I appreciate your concern always do you think age make a difference? Meet up group is great opportunity to connect with other finding love chance is slim. I'm looking forward to find other activities. I did some online dating never worked stumble into scam. I want to believe I have Mr right list already all this is new some of the things I experienced with the two guys was a lesson learned I'm not going to give up .
Sounds like you're updating your list with new lessons learned, Olive, and that's a good thing! Without experiencing what we absolutely don't want, we can't know so clearly what we do want. And especially when it's packaged in a way that makes us want that, i.e. with a guy who seems to have a whole lot of potential or meets some important criteria, only to find out later the other side of those same things were all kinds of qualities we didn't want!
Now being at my age, I can see this clearly now! The problem (and question) that still remains is what happens when you’re not sexually attracted to that “nice guy”? That’s where I get stuck!
How much time do you actually give to see if that chemistry can even grow? I just don’t think it can...
Look at your definition of chemistry, Cathy. There's so much we put into that one word and yet so much we can learn by being open to widening our view!
just recently meet a friend in and she hooked me up with this 55 male divorced. been talking once or 2 on phone haven't meet yet . just one more leading me on, not much communication from him. he hurting. does not eat till 9pm.
Be on the lookout for the other ones, Rachel. The ones who would never dream of leading you on! They're out there too when you're not expecting to only find the ones you've gotten so used to finding.
Thank you once more for the beautiful email.
For the first time in my life I decided to give a chance to guys that are not really "my type" so to speak, and I recently went out on a date with a guy that I wouldn't`t usually go for, the date was beautiful, we did drinks then dinner. throughout the night or the date I found him to be very considerate, he would never do anything without asking if I`m okay with it...However after the date he still hasn`t called he only chats via twitter, and I`m not comfortable with this I`d love it if he`d call instead of twitter and I don`t know if it`s not too soon to put my needs out there.
Anyway I`m glad I was able to go out of my comfort zone and meet people that are not "my type" because in that way I got to see that this guy has got all the qualities that I look for in a Man, and if he decides to pursue a relationship with me I`ll be more open to it as opposed to when he`d met me 6months ago. So thank you Jane for such great advice, I am becoming more hopeful that I`m getting closer in meeting the one.
So glad this resonated with you, Lolly. Being open to meeting different kinds of men then our usual type is such a big step for many of us. Be so proud of yourself for discovering the value - and the hope! - of doing this for yourself!
I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve found a man who swept my feel but after a year, he never once told me how he felt about me and continually went on looking for dates with other women.
I'll bet we could all exchange stories on that one, Mary. Next!