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I Was Only 9 Years Old

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A young girl sits on a bench by a lake, feeling invisible and alone.
When I learned how quickly it could all be taken away.

I've been judged my entire life. Some of you know this about me, most of you don't.

My worth was equated with being perfect.

When you have a dad who's a minister, you have to be. Picking up early on what it meant to be loved in my family, I learned to conform and earned the label of the perfect one, while my older sister rebelled against that conformity and was forced to leave our house when she was 14 years old.

I was 9 years old and the day I learned my parents had chosen my dad's church and upholding their image over their own daughter, I also learned that my perfect label wasn't just a label; it was a matter of life as I knew it or the very opposite.

It was confirmed for me that my worst fear as a child could happen; I could lose their love.

From that moment, I chose security and hid my true self until I left the country for college after I graduated high school.Continue Reading

I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

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A beautiful woman sits on a couch at home alone, feeling sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.Continue Reading

No, You Shouldn't Be Able to "Just Walk Away"

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A beautiful woman is feeling sad and broken hearted about her relationship.
Because it's not your fault.

No, you're not supposed to know all this without someone teaching it to you.

No, you shouldn't be able to just walk away.

And while we're here, no, there isn't anything wrong with you if you're "still" single.

Even today there's still such a stigma with being single for those of us in our culture who aren't single by choice, who long to be with someone, and never expected our lives to turn out the way they have.

You feel it.

It wears on you.

You hide more than you respond.

Continue Reading

Why Do I Have to Do All This Work? Why Not Her?

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A beautiful woman looks in a mirror wanting it to be the way it was.
It begins right here, looking in the mirror.

I’ve been thinking about you.

Thinking about how to put into words the core meaning of my message to you.

Yes, it’s about finding out who you are and shedding old programming, etc. But the question you explicity ask is the one that needs more of an answer to get to the real root of what I’m talking about.

Why? Why do I HAVE to do this work? Why does SHE get to find love, get married, find someone to love her for who she is? Why does SHE get him without doing all the work? Why do I HAVE to go on this journey to figure out who I am FIRST?

Why me? Why not HER?

We're angry. So angry. Most of which we’re not even aware of.

But we can’t be angry. We may get sad, but we don’t do angry. Maybe frustrated – as we’ve learned to downplay it because it won’t fit the good little girl image we have to uphold at all costs - but not angry. Because that’s scary.Continue Reading

The Last Layer

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A beautiful woman looks out the window at the sun shining through realizing she has a fresh start.
There's one more layer you haven't uncovered yet.

When your view of yourself is limited to the words you heard growing up as a child from people who had so many of their own issues, because they didn't know how to love themselves let alone love you, their words become your own.

You don't see yourself as lovable, beautiful, spirited, passionate, confident.

You see yourself as flawed, unlovable, clumsy, messy, stubborn, lazy or whatever other words were thrown at you.

As adults, when we don't understand these underlying roots of our assumed identities, we attract people who are familiar to us. People who remind us of our parents, who have a similar view of us as we're used to.

As much as we can hardly bear to hear those words spoken or implied again, it's the only thing we know.

That's why separating those early roots from our reality today is such an important part of creating healthy relationships. We have to first be attracted to healthy people before we can form healthy relationships!

Continue Reading

Ugh! I've Been Ghosted Again

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A beautiful woman looks at her phone feeling confused over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.
For the life of me, I don't know what happened.

Ever been ghosted? I talk to so many of you who have! Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful subscribers, Kim, who has, too, and I know you'll identify with so much of what she's going through.

Here's what she wrote to me:

Hi Jane,

I am at my wits end! I truly feel like I may never find a decent man. I have been ghosted again. I thought he was different. We had gone out 3 times and talked or texted every day for about a month.

He is a single dad of 2 and he was very open about the challenges that might create. I was willing to work with it because he seemed so sincere and everything was there between us that I thought needed to be.

I did notice that we were not talking as much a couple of weeks in, more texting. He had a big project at work and was working long hours etc. He started sharing less and of course I thought it was me overanalyzing but I knew something was different.

My father left and pretty much never looked back so I know I have abandonment and trust issues. I try very hard not to let those fears and hurts dictate my actions when dating.Continue Reading

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