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"I'm So Disappointed in You"

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands wonders what to do.
The words cut so deep.

Did you feel that one?

I know I did.

It starts as a memory. A memory we feel down to the very core of our being. “I’m so disappointed in you.”

And then it carries over into every part of our lives for a long, long time.

It’s a cycle. A pattern that’s easily predictable.

You disappoint someone – because you will, you know. And it all comes back.

But why is this all your responsibility? Isn’t it equally shared by the person who has such unrealistic standards of perfection for you that they can even dare to stand there from a position of “I’m disappointed in you”?

Why is this not on them? Why is it all on you?Continue Reading

It Feels Like There's No Spark Anymore

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Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home
He’s always on his phone or watching Netflix.

Our letter this week comes from Julie, who's feeling like the man she's in a relationship with just wants someone by his side rather than having the emotional ties of a relationship. Here's her story. I know many of you will recognize just how familiar it feels to you, too.

Her Story:

Hello! I just got to your blog and read the majority of the questions posted. I wanted to ask for something I wanted to look for that wasn’t answered. Here we go.

So my boyfriend of 7 months broke up last month. But we got back together and went into 7 months a week ago. However, ever since we got back together , he barely texts or calls me.

Whenever I try to reach out I get messages every 2 or more hours. Today was the only day he was free and we could’ve talked all day but he has not done so.Continue Reading

Programmed to be Nice

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The word nice carved in wood.
Maybe being nice isn't the way to go.

We’ve been programmed to be so “nice” that it’s no wonder we’re confused. We have so very few role models to show us what it means!

So many of us were raised by mothers who either were always “nice” or eventually blew up into something that was anything but what they preached at us to be. And the same went for grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters.

You name it, we women have so much to learn about being confident, assertive, and yes, that word “nice”.

It’s about setting boundaries and teaching these men in our lives how to treat us so that we don’t get to the point where we blow up into something we’re not, which is often how we end up before we realize something needs to change.

Sound at all familiar? Continue Reading

What Rejection Never, Ever Is

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Outdoor portrait of a sad woman feeling rejected.
It's never about what it should be.

What do you do when you come to the end of yet another relationship that didn't work out for you? What do you do with that? Or more precisely, what do you conclude? Do you conclude that there must be something wrong with you?

This is the piece you often hear me talking about on here.

Instead of seeing it as not the right timing for you.

Instead of seeing it as not the right fit for you, either right now or always.

We tend to look at a relationship with someone as that it should work because you’ve put everything you've got into it, or you should be attractive enough, or you should be the perfect match for him.

But it’s never about what it should be. It’s about whether it is, in reality, a good fit for you.Continue Reading

It Still Feels Like Such A Rejection

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Beautiful blond woman feeling rejected after guy disappeared.
Why do I feel so bad, again?

Our beautiful friend from Scandinavia, Ariel, has been dealing with emotionally unavailable men, and just had another one disappear on her!

Here's her letter:

Hi Jane and greetings from Scandinavia!

(Sorry for my grammar and spelling since English is not my native language, but I hope you understand 🙂 )

I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so confused and frankly afraid. Afraid with the situations I put myself into, and will put in future. That I'm in this circle that just won't stop.

Like you can guess I have had my share of emotionally unavailable men. I'm 36. The worst one ended 2 months ago (on/off, hot/cold thing lasted for one year) and really messed my head, I have been reading your blog for about one year, it has been so helpful, probably has kept me sane 😉

But to the issue I want to talk about.

I know I'm still in the early healing process from the last EUM, but I met this man, he's 42, who lives in the same town, so I kind of have known him for many years, but we haven't been friends or anything like that, I just know who he is by name, where he works etc, that's all.

He divorced 9 months ago, wife cheated... yes I know, red flag since not so much time has passed from the divorce. But I have some insights about he's situation since we have mutual friends.Continue Reading

Seeing Rejection for What it Really Is (and What it Isn't)

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A golden egg amidst white eggs symbolizing that differences does not equate to rejection.
It's not rejection - it's just two different pages.

I was just five years old when I had my first hard lesson in rejection.

I was about to lose my first tooth and I was so excited to share this experience with my best friend Sarah, so I called her house to tell her.

She was excited too.

Then a few minutes later, as it became even more loose and felt like it might fall out, I called her again to tell her about this very important (at least to two five year olds) update. She once again shared in my excitement.

Then, a few minutes later, it fell out. And so I called her again to tell her this big news.

But this time when her mother answered she was not nearly as excited as her daughter and I were. In fact, before I could get a word in, she told me to stop calling. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. My little 5 year old world was absolutely shattered beyond recognition.

Why do I remember this story like it was yesterday?

Why do I now, as I recount the story, still feel like that little 5 year old girl standing on a chair to reach the wall-mounted phone, so excited to share her life event with her best friend, only to be utterly devastated by such an unexpected response?Continue Reading

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