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Mr. Potential

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Happy young man and woman in a car enjoying a road trip on a summer day. Couple out on a drive in a open car.
He gives you everything you want ... except for a commitment.

So, Beautiful, we need to talk about this guy who shows you so much potential but so little else. It's the conversation we never want to have, but we have to.

Too much is at stake. There's too much to lose.

For you.

I don't care about him right now. I care about you.

I spend most of my time on the phone, over Zoom, and on my laptop talking about him. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours answering an email coaching letter saying everything I ever wanted to say to someone on this topic and it made me realize this conversation is long overdue.

I've tried so hard to be gentle with you, bringing you up to your own level of awareness so you can see this for yourself. But the letter I read today broke me.Continue Reading

It's Hard Enough!

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A beautiful woman is frustrated with her head in her hands.
Do yourself a huge favor, right now.

Isn't that how you feel?

Everything already feels so hard, and then you have someone who isn't on the same page as you when it matters most.

No matter how hard you think it is now, it doesn't get any easier the longer you wait for someone to come around and change when the warning signs are there if you could trust yourself enough to see them.

Life is messy. Relationships aren't fantasies.

Who you are and who he is are products of years of programming - mostly the subconscious kind neither one of you are even aware of. Until the honeymoon is over and you're only left with reality, because the beginning wasn't who he really was.

At least not in a way he could indefinitely sustain.

It's why we excuse away those little behaviors that are actually the seeds of huge red flags. It's why we let those small things we don't want to make a mountain of slide, because of our own inherent confirmation biases.Continue Reading

He's Everything I've Ever Wanted, but I Don't Feel the Spark

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A beautiful woman is thoughtful, wondering if she needs to feel the spark.
I just don't feel the butterflies that much.

Our letter this week comes from our beautiful reader, Kristina, who's found herself in a relationship with a guy who's checking off all kinds of boxes for her, but not the one's she's used to.

She's wondering where to go from here and I'm hoping my advice, along with your experience or thoughts on this ever-returning subject of "the Spark" will give her the clarity she's looking for.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I have never done anything like this. I really hope to receive a response, or to at least receive some notification if you make a blog post. Regardless, if you are reading this, thank you for your time.

I have just read your post about the elusive spark and how you say that it is not something that matters because it goes away anyway. It was so incredibly helpful.

Additionally, reading all the comments and seeing how many women struggle with the same thing, made me feel much better too.Continue Reading

I'm Desperate! My Partner Has Distanced Himself From Me and I Don't Know What to Do

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
I miss how we used to be.

Our letter this week comes from a reader who calls herself "Hopelessly in Love" (I'll call her "Hil".)

Sound familiar? I know most of us can relate to that feeling at some point or another and it's usually right up until we learn how to recognize the difference between something "hopeless" and something real.

Here's her story.

Hi Jane,

I need help. I'm desperate!

I met my partner online, we hit it off and exchanged phone numbers, we texted every waking day/night for hours and hours, even facetimed every day/night.

Recently I've noticed that my partner has changed completely, almost like a 360 turn around.Continue Reading

Why Love Always Seems So Complicated

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Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
Does this relationship that feels so complicated work for you?

Is it supposed to be this complicated?

That's the question I was asked by one of my clients the other day. And just like I explained it to her, let's settle this issue for you as well.

Love isn't complicated. It's only because the only kinds of love we've ever known have been complicated, convoluted and conditional that we're so confused on this one.

When you're with someone who isn't playing with your heart, who doesn't need to project their own insecurities onto you to cover their own to make themselves feel better, you simply have two people getting to know each other and building a relationship based on earned trust.

You navigate the relationship together.Continue Reading

What No One Ever Tells You About Real Love

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Close up of man and woman holding hands in the sunset.
It's the part about real love they left out.

I wasn’t real.

They, on the other hand, might have been. But I would never know.

Because until I was able to get real, nothing was real. What I came face to face with was the reality that I didn’t know how to be real. I was too busy trying to be perfect.

Trying to figure out what it was they wanted me to be and then being that. Trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend-ness".

That’s all I knew. And that’s what I thought mattered.

I knew I wanted someone to choose me, to make me feel like something. To give a life to fit into. To give me a world to fit into and a role to play. To give me the instruction sheet on how to do a relationship.

Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be it.  Continue Reading

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