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You are here: Home / Archives for marriage material

How she went from heartbroken & hopeless to happily married in one year

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Happy just married young couple, wedding.
We were just married in Jamaica!

It all began when Becca responded to my call to claim the year as HER year to find the love she’d been searching for her whole life. In response to an email I sent out to my subscriber list, she responded with this.

Jane, I'm doing this. This is my year to find the love I've been wanting my whole life!"

I made a commitment to not go after the man that abandoned me and my children three times this last year and a half - I am worth more than how I have been treated- my children deserve a good man in their lives that values them as his own. No more will I beg or chase a man. I will allow only good in my life and my children's lives. 

- Becca

 I responded back to her with this email:

Awesome, Rebecca! I'm so glad you're here.

There is nothing like these words, spoken with conviction, to put this into motion, to claim your right to have exactly the kind of love you were made for!Continue Reading

And his name was ...

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A woman and man are walking holding hands after their wedding.

At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Except that I've never believed in coincidences.

A woman I'd been coaching for a while who had all but given up hope of ever meeting one of the good guys I kept telling her to believe in, met someone.

His name was Nick.

He was different from all the rest. He was the opposite of her ex and the men she'd dated before.

I had a feeling about this one. And I was right. When he asked her to marry him a year later, she said yes.

That was the first Nick.

Then there was another woman who came to me out of the blue (but never out of the blue!) doing a Google search for "getting over emotionally unavailable men."

Same story. Out of love. Out of hope. Scared to trust or believe in anything being different again.Continue Reading

He Says He Wants to Marry Me, But Something Always Seems to Happen

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A beautiful woman is sitting on the couch upset because she wants to be married and have children and her boyfriend does not want marriage.
I'm sick of it, but I really care for him...

This week, beautiful Kimberly writes to tell us about her (very) long term relationship with a man who just can't seem to commit to marriage with her.

Here's what she wrote:

I've been in a relationship for over 8 years. Well there's been a lot of stuff that has happened between us.

Today we aren't getting along at all. He lives with his mother and has a daughter who had kids. His daughter is 30 and the fathers of these kids will not have anything to do with the kids.

This guy has said he wants to marry me over the years and something always seem to happen to him that he won't marry me.

He acts like all he wants to do is be with his grandchildren and will make no time to build a relationship with us. There's nothing wrong with his daughter that she can't take care of her 2 kids but over the past 1.5 years we fight about this all the time.Continue Reading

The Woman I Have to Thank for My 15 Year Marriage

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Scene two rings as symbol of fifteen years of marriage.
This week is my 15th wedding anniversary - and I have one person to thank for it.

I’d been looking for Mr. Right since I was a little girl.

Yes, I was one of those.

I grew up immersed in fairy tales, fantasizing about the day my prince would find me and make all my dreams come true.

The problem was, it didn't happen. At least not the way I thought it would. See, I wanted to be married at 18.

That was my goal.

Yes, that was actually the sole motivation for every single thing I did. Well, that and making a difference in the world, but even that was usually somehow related.

Every job I applied for, every opportunity I took advantage of, every place I traveled to, all of it was about finding love. And by finding love, I mean, finding HIM.

Except that my journey should have been called "Looking for love in all the wrong places" because that’s what it amounted to. Look for love in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people, with all the wrong motivation.Continue Reading

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

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A beautiful woman is sitting on the couch upset because she wants to be married and have children and her boyfriend does not want marriage and children. Here's an email from another one of our beautiful readers, who signed herself DRT.

She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and is ready for the next stage, but her boyfriend is not.

Here's her story:

Thanks for your site. I've read a few of the articles, which I have found insightful.

My question is: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I'm in my early thirties and he is nearly forty. We have lived together for most of that time.

I have been ready to settle down and have children for some time now. The time is also right for me career-wise (and may be less so in future due to increasing responsibilities which I'll need some time to get used to).

He has always said we will get married and have children but it always seems to be some vague time in the future. Currently he wants to wait a couple of years until he is the next rung up the career ladder.

He complains that he hasn't lived his life yet and that we don't go out enough. I'll be honest I would prefer a meet up with friends or a day trip rather than go partying. This is the main cause of our arguments.

We generally get on well otherwise and both have our hobbies although not shared.

His takes up a lot of his time and often at short notice which I find frustrating, and he gets annoyed that I won't go with him though I have tried and don't enjoy it.

What worries me also is that he actively tries to avoid events with children, including with my family (I have several young cousins).

I know you don't have to like other people's children to have your own but I would want someone who is an active father involved in family life and events.

I am starting to think that the future I envisaged will not happen.

Should I continue in a relationship with someone I love and enjoy spending time with when we're together or am I going to miss my chance at a family because I wait too long for a man who may not commit?

Signed, DRT

My Response:

Dear DRT,

I hear where you're coming from.

You have all this history and time invested with someone, and then there's the reality of where you are and what you want at this stage of your life, and it sounds like he hasn't come to this point with you.

I see several red flags here, particularly the fact that you say he tries to "actively avoid events with children" - and you want children - and that he's "complaining he hasn't live his life yet and we don't go out enough" - and you prefer to meet up with some friends than go partying.

Since you clearly know what you want, and he's not giving you some real indicators that these are the same priority for him, these would be some real red flags for me if I was looking to get married and have children and this was a top priority for me.

But this has to come from you. You have to come to this for yourself or you won't be able to live with yourself and your decision.

Is he really marriage material or are the two of you too far apart on these points that are at the top of your priority list? Are you willing to take a "wait-and-see" approach to see if he might come around?  No one can know the future, but where someone is at now - and how they behave - are the best indicators you have of what you can expect more of.

If you haven't already, I would evaluate just how much you really have in common when it comes to what matters most to you. As I've said in an earlier post, one of the ways you'll know if you've got a keeper is if he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. And I used the example that if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want.

Unfortunately, I hear far too many stories from women who wait and wait and wait some more for some man with so much potential that they've fallen in love with to come around to their page, until their own lives have passed them by. While these are someone else's stories and the only story that matters here is your own, they reveal the reality of where this road often leads.

I have a feeling that that since you're writing to me about this now, you already know your own answers. Deep down, we always do.

Whether it's that pull that urges you to give it just a little more time - and then you set that time frame in your own mind - or that gentle nudging that tells you there's more to life and love and being in relationship with someone you love than this.

Whatever pull feels stronger, DRT, know that this is always about you and what you can live with and what you can't.

Real love - the real kind you're talking about that you choose - is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know of a healthy, loving, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship that can last without that.

But what that looks like specifically can be different for each of us depending on who you are, what you want and what you don't, and what you need to be happy.

It's not about him - you can let him know what you want and what you need to be happy - but you can't change him. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps give you some outside perspective, DRT.

I know this isn't an easy decision to make, but regardless of what you decide, the best place to start is the decision to focus on you, to make your own life a priority, and live your own life in a way that reflects your beautiful, authentic, true self with so much to offer, so much to give.

Sometimes all it takes is that conscious shift in our own way of being that creates a new energy that ripples through our relationships and brings about a change in the ones we're with.

Love,

Jane

What do you think DRT should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

How I Knew My Husband Was Marriage Material

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It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. A bride and groom walk hand-in-hand after their wedding.

In the early years of my dating life, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and I was absolutely sure I was going to get it: a charming, great looking, well-built guy who dressed well, made plenty of money and drove me around to nice places in a nice car. He'd have been a bit of a bad boy in his not-so-distant past, but once he met me, he would fall so hard that he wouldn't so much as cast a glance at anything else in a skirt, forever treating me like the queen he could see I was.

Intent on this vision, I summarily rejected any guy who didn't measure up, whether it be the way he dressed, the car he drove or any other number of superficial reasons. After all, I was going for the fairytale; I didn't want to waste any time.

It took me too many years and too many rocky, failed relationships to finally figure out the problem is that it is a fairytale. It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. Fortunately, I finally figured this out before my real Prince Charming pulled up in his ten-year-old Jeep Wrangler to take me out on our first date.

Just a few years earlier, the sight of his car would have caused me to spend the first half-hour desperately trying to think of ways to end the date early. But for the first time in my life, I saw things differently. Continue reading on YourTango...

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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