love yourself

The Greatest Lesson I've Ever Learned

There’s one thing I've learned along this journey that has had a greater impact on me than any other lesson I've learned (and oh how many there have been!) It’s the one that hits me at my most vulnerable place of all, in my aloneness.

Because I've always felt so alone.

I've always felt so different on the inside, so unlovable because I wasn't just like everyone else. And while I played the part so well on the outside, inside there was such a different story going on. Inside I was the one who didn't quite fit in – anywhere. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Surrounded by so much pressure to conform in order to be loved, I learned to play the part well, while internalizing so much of what went unsaid; I was different in a world where different wasn't a valuable asset, but something to be changed, to be shamed away, to be shut down and shut out. It didn't matter whether that was the intention or not, that was my own lonely reality.

And so in my epic search to find a cure for my loneliness, although I wouldn't come to boil it down to that until many, many years later, I was always chasing after the ones who made me feel less alone. The ones who were different, the ones who blazed their own trails and didn't care what anyone – including me – thought.Continue Reading

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

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Today’s post has been contributed by Alexis Meads, a lifestyle and wellness coach.

When I was in my early 20's, I moved to a new city, broke out of my comfy relationship and started a financial career in search of my dreams.

I went on dates, spent my newly earned money and partied. My life seemed good from the outside and it was exciting and fun…for a while.

A few years into this new lifestyle I realized that I hated my job, I never got over my first love, I had gained 20 pounds and racked up some hefty credit card debt.

I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or how to get there.

I thought that if I just met the “perfect” guy, than I would be happy and all would be well. So I spent all my time searching hopelessly. I went out with my friends, tried internet dating, met guys at work. But in every single relationship I either found myself bored and unhappy, or seriously hung up on unemotionally available men.

I was keeping myself busy to avoid being alone. Sitting still and being alone meant that I had to face my own demons. I was scared that I’d realize how lonely I was. The voice on Friday night that said, “you’re tired, do something for yourself, just stay in” would be silenced in fear of feeling like a failure.

After receiving my M.A. at Harvard University and still not having any luck in the dating world, plus feeling dissatisfied with my life all around, I did what any normal person would do…up and moved to Hawaii.

I spent the next four months in what I now look back as my “self-love discovery.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, that is exactly what it was.

For the first time, on my own, I learned what it was that I really wanted. I found that I loved to dance and did it daily, I spent time meditating, shed that 20 pounds by treating my body right and learned how to say no. I began accepting myself, and from that acceptance, began dreaming up my ideal life.

I no longer felt lonely when I was alone.

When I moved back to the mainland as Hawaiians call it, excited about my new life and focusing on myself for the first time, an unexpected thing happened.

I met someone.

And he didn't check off my previous boxes. I had always gone for a certain “type” of guy that I was attracted to, but that also never worked out. I was made to believe that “the one” would just show up and sweep me off my feet and it would all be happily ever after. Plus the timing with this new guy seemed all wrong.

Luckily the universe had grander plans than our own. Even though I wasn't out looking for a relationship, now that I had fully embraced myself, it was looking for me.

I kept him in the friend zone for a while, convinced that this wasn't the guy for me and not the right time. However, I couldn't deny that I enjoyed spending time with him. That I felt comfortable talking to him and that when he hugged me it felt like home.

One fated day on the beach, after a really fun time with him, I made a final attempt to keep him at arms length. Even with growing feelings, I told him that I just wanted to be friends. To my total shock and awe, he said “okay”.

Like it was nothing! I figured for sure he’d be angry, or controlling, or never speak to me again. Like every other guy in my past. But he just said “okay”, completely willing to let me go, and then even had the audacity to see if I wanted to hang out again as friends the next day!

I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him at that moment.

Here was the first man who had come into my life who would allow me to be in a relationship while also allowing me to be free.

We are now engaged to be married in Greece this May. While it’s not always perfect, its perfect for me. I have grown so much within this relationship and feel blessed to have found it. But it would have never happened if I hadn't first found myself.

Alexis Meads received her M.A. at Harvard University. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Self-Love Expert. She helps women to fall madly in love, feel sexy and confident every day and create a life full of adventure.

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

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It's Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I wanted to take the opportunity to let all of you know just how thankful I am that you're all here, and for the words of encouragement that you share with me and with our community.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your lives with me and touching my heart with your personal stories.

If I had my wish, I’d want all of us to spend Thanksgiving together this year.

Forget the logistics, because, yes, I’m well aware that we’d have to rent a small stadium to hold all of us, but wouldn't it be wonderful?

All of us together, free to be our best, most beautiful selves, free to do what we want and live the way we want. Just enjoying the day without worrying about what others are thinking, wondering if they're judging us for being alone.

You could just be.

You could just enjoy.

Free of the worry about those inevitable questions from your well-intentioned family members about whether you are dating anyone, leaving you to wondering about the hidden messages behind the questions.

Barring us all getting together in this one joyous gathering that I can, at least right now, only dream about, we can at least be with each other in spirit. We can feel good knowing that we all have a safe place to turn, a community of beautiful, encouraging women that we can reach out to in order to get the support we need.

So, in the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to convey to you a sense of what I hope for you to feel this holiday season. I want you to see that it’s not about any lack. It’s not about anything you don’t have. It’s about what you do have!

It's about seeing the opportunity, the endless possibilities that lie before you. It's about being grateful for everything that you have in your life right now, and forgetting about what you think might be missing. You see, what very few of us see when we’re still in it, when we’re still in that place where things aren't yet the way we pictured our lives at this point in time, is that we have some very special things to be thankful for.

So, while there are many more, and I'll ask you to come up with your own that apply to your specific life and circumstances, to get you started here are three things you can all be thankful for in your love life right now:

1. You!

Yes, you know that beautiful woman otherwise known as you? The one that knows her own worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than she knows she deserves? You know how she figured this all out?

By going through what you've been through.

By being willing to put yourself out there and refusing to let your heart get hardened.

Few of us learn the things we do without going through our heartbreaks the hard way. Few of us remain unscathed. And yet, just by getting to this point, just by finding your way here, you’re showing that you've got that resilience to rediscover your true beautiful self and find a love for yourself first that you never knew you were capable of.

It’s only when we learn to love ourselves like this, that we shine that beautiful light of our true selves bright enough so that someone who’s truly deserving of you will be able to see exactly the woman he’s been looking to find in you.

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

I know it seems like the last thing you want to be thankful for. After all, that’s exactly what you wanted – you wanted him to call or maybe you were hoping for a commitment from him.

But please hear me when I say that if he wasn't there, if he wasn't on the same page as you, the very last thing you would have wanted in the end was a guy who was leading you on, giving you just enough to keep you hanging, wasting your life away waiting for him to finally be ready for commitment.

You would have found yourself in that miserable kind of a non-relationship with a guy who isn't really into you, a guy who is committing just enough for you to stay stuck in a relationship that he didn't really want.

No matter how much you wanted it to work out, know that you only knew the part of the story that was all about the potential only you were seeing; the rest of the story was the reality that he knew he wasn't on your page. The only ending that two people on different pages end up with is heartbreak, and you know you deserve more than that.

3. For all that is still to come.

This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. Your life up until now has just been one story, one way of seeing, one way of living. You are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the life that is still waiting for you.

We can get so stuck in that place of doubt, where we begin to think that the love and the life we desire, the life that seems so effortless for everyone else, is somehow out of our own reach. But when we come to see that there isn't a select chosen few who somehow deserve more, when we come to see that there is nothing we don’t have that someone else has, a type of shifting begins to happen. We start to question, we start to say why not me?, and we start to see the cultural factors that have played into a programming of how we believe ourselves and our lives to be.

With every learning experience along the way, a little more light shines through. A new way of seeing becomes that much more of a possibility, and a new energy and confidence begins to replace what was once only heartbreak and despair.

It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through. See yourself the way I see you; see all that is still to come for you the way I see it for you. You haven’t been forgotten, you haven’t been passed by. Keep that beautiful dream alive in your heart and soul and don’t let anyone or anything extinguish it.

You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday and every day!

How about you? What are you thankful for in your life right now? Tell us about it in the comments!

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

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One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

Start Where You Are

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I get it. I understand completely. The problem is that while it's very simple to understand, it's not as simple to achieve. I know because it was so difficult for me too - in fact it still is. But it's quite possibly the most important thing you can do to allow the kind of love that you really want into your life.

So for today, we’re going to put aside all the bigger pictures and we’re just going to focus on this one very special thing:

Accepting who you are.

You see, you have to start somewhere on this journey, and the very first step along the way is accepting that beautiful woman you are.

With all those things you wish were different. With all those things you call your flaws and you’d give anything to change. I want them all.

Embrace those things.

I want you to embrace each and every one of them.

I want you to write them down, right now. Go and get a pen and some paper, and write down each and every one of those things about yourself that you feel like you would change if you could.

Now I want you to celebrate those things in the biggest way you possibly can.

If you wrote down needy, then be needy! I want to see your neediness from here. Say out loud what you need, write it down big and bold.

The same with your fears. If you’re afraid, write them down. Big and bold.

Say them as you write them, make them as large as you can. Draw pictures if you’re more visual, of what they look like. Make them all as big as you can. Do this with every part of you that makes you you. We’re going to get everything out in the open so that there’s nothing to hide.

Don’t stop until you’re done getting it all out.

All those things you loathe about yourself and wish you could change. And there, my beautiful friend, you have a picture of the very worst things you think about yourself, the person you believe you are right now.

It’s going to change. But first you have to see these things in the light of how big they really are and how OK it is to be you. Love these parts of you. Tell yourself the story of why these are for loving.

Like neediness. If you’re needy, good, because it means you know what you need and you know how badly you need it! It means you have the ability to be truly attached to another person.

If you’re fearful of something, then great, you’re in touch with what you’re afraid of! Accept yourself, my beautiful friend; accept each and every one of these things in the biggest way you can.

No more hiding, no more pretending.

If you can love yourself -all of you – including this, so will someone else. But you have to be the first.

It has to come from you.

Because you are going to soon see that you are so much more than just these things. They don’t define you. But in order to see that for yourself, in order to get to the next step, we all have to start with where we’re at.

In Your Own Time

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You hear what I'm saying, you hear what others are saying, but it's so hard to believe this is what it all comes down to. What if he's different? What if I'm the exception? What if it's just a matter of waiting a little longer? What if this is my dream and it can still come true? I understand completely where you're coming from if any of this resonates with you.

It took me many times of going back and forth, many dances of holding on tighter and then letting go one small step back at a time before I was finally able to completely let go and move on from the many relationships I was in that held so many of my hopes and dreams. I, too, always whispered those words to myself whenever someone came along who thought they knew better, even if I had been the one asking for their thoughts.

Unfortunately, when someone is in the thick of it, they are rarely ever open to seeing a relationship for what it is. I have learned time and time again, that unless someone is open to hearing the truth, so much of what we say isn't able to be received. So I have learned to give someone an honest outside perspective if they ask for it, but then, to give them the space to do what they choose to do with that information. We only become co-dependent if we keep after them, trying to get them to change, to see it the way that everyone else clearly sees it.

I've come to realize that we are all on our own unique journeys, and each of us comes to that level of awareness when we finally see things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be, in our own timing. The point is to share our own unique perspective, and then let them discover this in the way that is meant to be for them. Just like we can't make anyone love us, we also can't make anyone else see the truth of what's really going on if they refuse to see it, no matter how much we see themselves only hurting themselves more this way. It is such a personal choice to choose to come into the light of what is instead of being guided by our deep inner longings and deepest hurts that influence our decisions more than any degree of logic.

The "why" of why we we do this to ourselves, why we find ourselves so attracted to someone who is so not good for us in the first place, and then remain in such a relationship even after we've heard the truth, is because these subconscious needs we have at the core of us are stronger than any conscious rational thinking. We are never drawn to these men because they are so attractive, or so intelligent, or so wealthy, or so charming, or seductive, or whatever it is for each one of us; we are drawn to them because they trigger in us something familiar so that we sense a unique opportunity to right a wrong, or make good on something that we didn't get or was done to us in our distant past, usually from our earliest childhoods, so great is the pull towards someone like this.

We are drawn to the opportunity to finally affect the outcome, to prove ourselves worthy and loveable enough to finally have the person this person outwardly represents to love us in the way we know we deserve. And yet what takes so long for us to recognize, is that it is not our issue, it is theirs. That they were never capable of loving us the way we deserved to be loved had nothing to do with our own lovableness or worthiness, but everything to do with their own issues and demons that they never learned to deal with before we were in their lives.

And once we're there, it becomes so hard to leave, we will come up with every excuse to keep us there, to keep the reality of the truth away before we're ready to hear it. Because it means everything to make it work, we are talking about love here, and because it runs so much deeper than this particular man, we feel like we are dying without it. Because as a child, we could actually die without love, but we forget we're no longer children, we no longer have to be victims, we can choose to end all this pain and misery with a simple word. Enough!

But it's only when we are willing to see the reality of what is and not what we want it to be, that we see any of this. And that is why we do this to ourselves and it never feels like a conscious choice until we get to that point where we can say those words and mean it, my beautiful friend, and that is also why we keep repeating these same patterns over and over again until we finally get to this deeper level of awareness where there is nothing left to prove; there never was.

Until then, until we come to that realization and can accept the reality of what is, it is enough to just be open. To know that everything happens for a reason. To trust that this is part of your journey for a purpose. And to believe that when it's time, when you're ready to move beyond the life that you cannot imagine letting go of right now, you will be strong enough to do exactly that. This isn't about measuring up to some standard of what you should be able to do. Nor is it about beating yourself up if you're not there yet and don't know if you ever will be. When you've learned what you need to learn from this, when you're ready to do something different, you'll know. It will become absolutely clear to you that you can do this!

And until that time, if all you do is learn what it means to truly love yourself and forgive yourself for whatever regrets you may have had along the way, that is more than enough.

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The Greatest Lesson I've Ever Learned

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

1. You!

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

3. For all that is still to come.

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

Start Where You Are

Accepting who you are.

Embrace those things.

Don’t stop until you’re done getting it all out.

It has to come from you.

In Your Own Time

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