heartbreak

He Isn't Sure What He Wants

A beautiful woman is on a date with a man. — He thinks we should "scale back" our relationship.

Our beautiful friend Adriana has a boyfriend who isn't sure what he wants, and says he wants to scale things back. They're currently in a long distance relationship that she's afraid is turning is turning into a long distance friends with benefits.

Here's her email:

My boyfriend moved a couple hours away for a new job and the original plan was that I would move down there as well (though we wouldn't be moving in together).

A few weeks ago, he mentioned that he was conflicted because he cares about me a lot and "thinks he's falling in love with me". But also wants to use this new move/job/change to focus on himself and focus on his career.

He said he wasn't sure about me moving down because if I was only moving down to be with him and "had expectations" about continuing our relationship and how things would be, then I probably shouldn't move. But if I was moving down there for myself and we could hang out when it was convenient, he'd be happy with that.Continue Reading

I'm Heartbroken, but Not Over My Ex-Boyfriend

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One of our beautiful friends, Jessa, has recently gone through a break up after a six year relationship with her ex boyfriend. She now finds herself utterly heartbroken, but not over him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

My name is Jessa and I have quite the complicated situation going on.

It's really tearing me apart and I'm not sure what the next step is.

I recently broke it off with someone I had been in a relationship with for almost 6 years. I actually feel good about the situation - it was a long time coming and even though he was a great guy I knew we were not right for each other.

My issue is - I am heartbroken, but not over him.

I never cheated on him, but I did emotionally fall for someone else. For the past two years I have had a serious crush and it happened to be on one of his old college buddies. I met this person, X, through my boyfriend. I started having feelings for him almost immediately, and tried to reign it in, coach myself out of it.

But the feelings only grew.

Then I moved across the country with my boyfriend and, while I still had feelings for this person, I didn't have any expectations because we no longer lived in the same area and I was obviously in a relationship, but I still thought about him a lot. Then, he moved back to the east coast and made plans with my boyfriends good friend, (also his friend) to come visit together.

When he came to visit, I told myself he would not seem interested, that I should not expect anything. However that was not the case. We had a strong connection and I can't really explain it. We had a lot in common and I just felt this gut feeling around him.

This was again proved true when we (my boyfriend and I) visited him a few months later where he lived. We all went out, but X and I were the ones talking. He would ask me questions about my life, play my favorite music whenever I was around and I just wanted to be around him.

After this trip I was devastated because of how real my feelings were for him. I was with my boyfriend and told myself this cannot EVER happen. I can't even believe this while I write, that I was visiting him with the boyfriend and feeling all of these things. Just makes me realize it was such a ridiculous situation.

To try to make this slightly shorter than the very long post it already is… about a year later (after I thought about X every day and certainly began to have expectations/hopes that we would have a chance to get to know each other...) - my boyfriend and I mutually broke it off.

It had gotten bad, not only because of my secret feelings for someone else, but because we did not work on a very fundamental level.

We didn't accept each other, adore each other, we both lost the interest to even try to make it work. We probably stayed together years longer than we should have just because we were both bad communicators and also understanding people at the same time.

It was a recipe for limbo.

So after this rather intense break up, I have to admit I had hope that maybe X would come around. It was very black and white in my head and I thought - if he really has feelings for me, he will come around. But then I see online, 4 weeks after my break up, that X had started dating someone. And it was obvious it wasn't a brand new relationship.

I was absolutely heart broken.

A few weeks ago (now four months after the break up, and I hadn't reached out or talked to X at all in about a year), I texted him about a concert, hoping to open the lines for communication. He texted back and asked about the concert.. I said it was awesome or whatever.. but then that was it.

I have been looking at this text as my "answer".

That if he were interested, he would have at least continued the conversation. So this is very painful to come to terms with. Although I do also realize I did not reach out to him for over a year, I was always in a relationship and completely unavailable, and after we visited him and my feelings became so real, I still stayed with my boyfriend for another year.

And we don't live in the same city.

So I guess I do feel like I expected too much. I really go back and forth between these two ideas. The "if he's into you he will call" vs "no, no, its much more complicated than that and you were never an option, you were off limits".

So now all I have to work with is - he is dating someone and he is most likely no longer interested.

What do you think? Should I text one last time, sharing my real feelings, making it obvious that I don't want him to become a stranger? That I would love to stay in touch?

This would be to see if he reciprocates, and if he does not, I can move on. Or I can just move on now, as he is now in a relationship with someone, but then I would always wonder.

So - do you think it's possible he still has feelings for me?

Is he not reaching out because I am the ex girlfriend of his college friend? I realize that does not make me much of an option. But they are not very close and I tell myself, this kind of screwed up situation happens all the time. People get together all the time that "aren't supposed to". And if he really wanted to be with me, it wouldn't matter.

I'm just lost and in a lot of pain because I had real feelings for him, felt a connection and had hopes and expectations for the future. Even though it wasn't right and even though I do feel guilt about it.

I know I can't expect him to just whip around and be in my life with all of this complexity. Honestly a lot of people would be like "you've got to be kidding me" if we started dating.

So I guess it is not really in the cards for us?

I've obviously overanalyzed this to the maximum and am really ready to make a decision so I can quiet my head and move on for good. Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.

I feel like an outsiders perspective or opinion would be hugely helpful. Please let me know if you have any thoughts. And apologies for the longest question ever.

- Jessa

My Response:

So many unanswered questions, Jessa, and so many opportunities to over analyze and second guess yourself as to what might be and what could be.

And then you have the reality of what is.

You have no way of knowing for sure what he’s thinking and where he’s at unless you come right out and tell him where you’re at and what you’d like to know from him.

The bigger question is, are you ready for that? Are you OK putting that out there not knowing that his response may not be what you're hoping for?

You’re absolutely right that it comes down to two clear options: “Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.”

It’s the dilemma almost every single one of us has come face to face with at one time or another.

And yet, if you listen to your gut instincts, you most likely do know.

Because someone who's really interested will certainly be looking for signs of an opening like the one you provided by initiating contact with him, and however small and insignificant it might have seemed, it would have been something for him to notice if he was ready and looking for some indication.

But I also know that even if we’re 99% sure that we know the answer, it’s that tiny chance that we missed something, that he might be just waiting for one more thing from us, that can make wrecks out of even the most confident of us!

So, Jessa, I say to you what I finally learned to say to myself first and now to anyone else who is at that crossroads between becoming more vulnerable in their need to “just know”, and knowing enough to move on – you have to do what you need to do for you.

Can you handle the feeling of “rejection” from him if you get that kind of response? Can you not take it personally (because it never is!)? Or will that have more of a detrimental effect on you than this no man’s land you’re feeling stuck in now?

Above all else, this is about you, not him.

You have to do what brings you back to the centered place within yourself where you have a sense of peace and calm about what is, where you can move forward without regrets, without looking back and wondering "if only" or "what if?".

Do what you need to do to really live! To get on with your life!

To create a life that you’re happy with, that brings you joy and peace and calm and confidence in you. Get what you need to get from him if he’s willing to give it to you, but don’t base your sense of worth on what his response is, regardless of what it is.

You don’t need someone to validate you to tell you what you already know. Regardless of where you've been or what you've gone through – or the guilt you carry for all the past regrets you can come up with to shame yourself with – let it be enough.

There is no right or wrong answer. There is no right or wrong decision. There is only what is, and what that looks like is already there right this moment in his situation, in his status, in the page he’s on, in where he’s at. Saying or doing something to move in his direction only fills in the blank for you, or makes it more real by having it revealed in a way that you can understand right there in front of you.

But it won’t change what is already there or what isn't.

For me personally, I know that feeling of angst all too well, of being in limbo over someone who there was never any question of what his feelings weren't except in my own mind.

That’s where your power lies, within yourself.

But to get there, you have to do what you need to do to bring you to that place. And so, if you can’t move on without that missing piece from him, find out for yourself.

Don't do it for him. Don't do it for what could be. Do it for how it allows you to finally be free!

Love,

Jane

It’s quite a dilemma for many of us to risk putting ourselves out there versus the benefit of finally knowing for sure. What do you think Jessa should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her in the comments!

Don't Fight the "Going Through"

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A beautiful woman looks out a window wondering why she is not strong. — Fighting it only hurts you more in the end.

We can almost sense when it's coming. We get that feeling. Then those awful thoughts start rushing in.

Not again. Not another disappointment. Not another ending. Not another heartbreak.

Not another "going through."

The signs are there, the red flags are waving in the sky, but we try so hard to will them away, to excuse them, to explain them, to pretend they're not really there.

The potential – his potential – is all we can see. We're blinded by it, no matter what anyone else says or what we know deep down in our hearts, we don't really want to see.

Why?

Because we know all too well what comes next. That if we allow ourselves to see, then we have to make a decision. And if we have to make a decision, that means we have to choose between loving ourselves and loving someone else. And while that should be obvious, it's never, ever as easy as it seems.

Why It's So Hard to “Just Move On”

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Why is it always so hard to "just move on"?

It’s because you can’t move on from you.

You can’t move on from what you should have done differently, what you should have known, what you should have seen, what you should have been.

It tears at your heart and soul every time you begin to think of anything else.

If only I hadn't __________ (you fill in the blank with your own words).

If only I had __________ (you fill it in again).

Along with the heartbreak comes so much blame, so much shame, so much finger pointing, but underneath whoever or whatever you’re struggling to let go of, lies the reality that this is so much about you.

It comes naturally, this blaming ourselves when something doesn't work out, this pattern we've fallen into over the years. It begins innocently enough with someone else blaming us for not knowing better, but eventually, it becomes our own pattern. Disguised as something else, but always about ourselves.

You can’t move on because you’re not done with you yet.

You have one more thing to say to yourself, one more lesson to give yourself, one more thing to hang onto before you’re ready to say “enough”.

So what if instead of fighting it, you allowed yourself to accept it instead? To accept that there’s something you’re not done with here that’s holding you here. What if you took yourself in your arms and held you close enough to whisper “it’s OK” in your ear?

What if instead of beating yourself up for still going back there, for still thinking and talking about it, you accepted this too about yourself. And didn't instantly gravitate back to that familiar pattern of thinking there must be something wrong with you since you can’t move on, can’t go back, and can’t seem to do anything that anyone tells you to do to feel better.

You know what? You don’t answer to anyone besides you.

You’re the only one you have to be able to live with. So whatever anyone else says you should be able to do, whatever anyone else thinks about how long it’s taking you to move on with your life, they’re not you.

Because of all the things that contributed to my feeling like there was something so wrong with me as I was going through my share of heartbreak, not even the heartbreaks themselves, but the feeling I always had that I should be farther along than I was, that I should be able to just let go and move on, was the one that always did the most damage. After all, was my reasoning at the time, if everyone else seemed to be able to do it, what on earth was wrong with me?

And do you know where that led? To more of the same!

Not to the real changes I was seeking, not to the real answers I was looking for, but instead to more of this self-loathing, more of this harshness towards myself, more of this feeling of hopelessness that I would never get to where I needed to be because there was something inherently flawed in me.

It’s why we feel so lonely, so alone in what we’re going through because we leave ourselves; we desert ourselves right when we need to love and accept ourselves the most.

Because there’s no one who treats us the way we do when we hold ourselves to these unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.

These standards don’t take into account where we are right now, they don’t consider how much we've been through and yet how far we've come. Our standards have no grace in them, only judgment.

And we’re our own harshest critics.

We reflect the voices we’ve carried with us since our first beginnings in the world, where we learned what was wrong with us, before we learned what was right.

So just for a moment, let’s do things different this time.

Let’s accept where we are in our journeys.

Let’s give ourselves the grace to make "mistakes", which aren’t really mistakes as much as they’re our personally tailored learning experiences.

Let’s accept that we’re doing the best we can with what we know and we’ll do better next time as we come to know more.

Let’s stop hating ourselves by our actions and our words, and instead start showing ourselves a little love and compassion for where we’re starting from.

And then, let’s talk about moving on.

When you’re ready, in your own time, when you can see things more clearly on your own terms, not on anyone else’s.

This acceptance of ourselves, this compassion towards ourselves is so foreign to so many of us who've only ever known what we’re doing wrong or what we need to do different.

You’ll get there, I promise you will. You’ll get where you need to be sometime soon, but the way to do it isn't by repeating this familiar pattern of harshness and judgment that doesn't serve anyone well, let alone you with your sensitive, tender heart.

Start where you are, start with what you know.

Is it loving? Is it compassionate? Is it the truth?

If it’s not, it has no place in your life. You can’t expect anyone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated until you change this way you insist on treating yourself.

It always starts with you!

Surviving a Breakup

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A beautiful woman is sad as she is surviving a breakup, and is laying her head on a pillow. Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and move to another city.

Here's her story:

Hi,

I could do with some advice..

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. We lived together for 5. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very very much.

It was a good relationship, we had no issues about control, trust, money. We integrated into each others families, our parents met. It was a serious relationship. We shared so many good times together and supported each other completely through both good and bad.

The problem we did have was that he couldn't commit further. I remember clearly a conversation we had about a year and a half into our relationship, I told him that this was it for me that I knew he was who I wanted to settle down with. That by the time I was 30 I wanted to be either married or engaged to him.

I told him my biggest fear was being single at 30 and having to start again.

Well fast forward a few years and out of the blue he breaks up with me. Ends a 5 and a half year long relationship in less than half an hour.

It was a month before my 30th birthday.

No arguments lead up to it or anything. He was still telling me he loved me and planning to take a trip abroad together right up until the morning when he just woke up, sat me down and said 'I can't do this anymore'.

Its now 2 months since that terrible morning and I can't move on.

He says that we need to cut all contact. He acts like he wants to block me out completely. He's even moved to a different city, 6 hours away. But..we are supposed to meet up in September to see if he's changed his mind.

He says that he doesn't know. That he doesn't think he will want to get back together and if he had to decide now he'd say he doesn't want to but that having time apart might change the way he feels and that- if I want to- I can give him time to see if it does and so that he can be 100% sure.

Of course I want him to be sure and of course I'm going to cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me. I love him and want it to work so have to give it every chance possible but its just so hard.

He says that its not fair on me if he asked me to wait but he's done it by saying 'if you want to wait till September you can'. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I'm going crazy! How can I let him go yet wait for him to decide at the same time?! Its impossible. This means that I can't even grieve the relationship properly because it may not be over for good. I can't not wait for him to decide.

He says he knows its him who has the problems, that there's nothing he would change about me and nothing I've done wrong yet when I get angry at him and push him to better communicate what he feels he then starts saying its that we grew apart, that he really felt like he was very distant from me.

It hurts that he's able to not contact me when the longest I've been able to go without contacting him is 3 days.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

- Defeated

My response:

I so hear your pain, Defeated. It's never easy surviving a breakup like this. I feel the depth of your heartbreak.

When you say you’re willing to “cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me”, you can know that you've given your power away.

Of course it feels crazy.

Of course it’s hard to do this, because it’s not what we’re meant to do. It’s not what real love is about. Love is never about making anyone commit to us, or love us, or give us what they don’t have to give.

It may have been that you turning 30 – and the terms you set for that “milestone” - was in the back of his mind as a milestone for him, too. He came to terms with where he was at and what he was able to give you, and recognized that he wasn't there on the same page as you.

And so you heard where he was at when he said “if you want to wait till September you can'.” He’s put the ball in your court letting you know where he stands, and leaving it up to you what you want to do with that.

Don’t wait for September, Defeated. You’re not defeated! You’re empowered! You set the terms of what you knew in your heart you were not willing to settle for and now you know what his terms are. This is huge! Now you know what page he’s on. Now you know what he can and can’t give you. I know it may not feel that way right now, but knowledge is powerful!

I have a feeling you’re questioning yourself more than anything else. You’re not sure if you have a right to say what you need and refuse to settle for anything less than that. You’re afraid you made a mistake by setting your own boundaries and making them known to him.

Don’t second-guess yourself. We say what we do for a reason. We define what it is we’re looking for so we can find it. We remain true to ourselves so we can live with ourselves.

As hard as it is to accept this, the reality is that someone can only be the one who’s right for you if they want to be that one.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t look back with regrets at what you didn't do or didn't know or wish you’d done differently. Start right where you are right now with a huge dose of self-love for who you are and what you bring to the table. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who’s looking for the long-term picture the way you are.

Don’t put your life on hold between now and September. Find it in you, D. Trust me, it's there.

The key to surviving a breakup like this is to start creating the life that you were made for. There’s a world out there for you to find and discover that will resonate with your heart and soul and the longing you have for someone to share your dreams and your life with you.

Surround yourself with the people who love and support you, discover the activities and hobbies and things that you’re passionate about and bring more of what you want into your life.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive and what shows you all the beautiful things about this life of yours.

This isn't about giving up on a dream; it’s finding out what the dream really was and if it was only your own.

I know the last thing you wanted to do was to start over. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. I know you’re angry that you’re in this position.

And underneath all those feelings is so much fear.

But you’re not alone and you’re going to get through this to the other side and discover the life that will make you happier than you ever could have been otherwise. With someone who’s on the same page and wants the same thing and doesn't have to be convinced of this by anyone outside of himself.

And most importantly, let go of the September timeline. It doesn't mean anything unless something changes on his end, and that can come at any time – or not. But don’t build your life around it. If he gets on your page, if he comes to where you are, you’ll absolutely be the first to know.

You’re the living, loving kind, not the waiting kind. And right now, you've got a life to live.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Defeated should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

It's Just Not Sustainable

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We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

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He Isn't Sure What He Wants

Here's her email:

I'm Heartbroken, but Not Over My Ex-Boyfriend

Here's her story:

My Response:

Don't Fight the "Going Through"

Why It's So Hard to “Just Move On”

Surviving a Breakup

Here's her story:

My response:

It's Just Not Sustainable

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