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The Biggest Regret

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A large red sign against a background of blue sky reads: regrets."The biggest regret I have is letting people stay in my life longer than they deserve" (author unknown).

I read this quote the other day and it hit home with me on a whole new level.  Whether it's men who clearly weren't on the same page as me or friends who were no longer behaving like friends, if there was one single thing I would have done differently, it was this.

And yet, if you're anything like me, how do you know when it's been enough time? How do you really know when it's been too long? Because you have such a beautiful, loving, giving, understanding heart, you know all too well just how good it could be because it shows so much potential. And so you have such a hard time knowing when it's time to move on let someone out of your life. After all, what if, you wonder?

You've already invested so much.

It comes down to you, again. That theme is always there, isn't it? Because that's the beauty of this. Yes, it's you allowing this again. Allowing yourself to go there, to believe it can still be different this time with him. Allowing yourself to believe his excuses, to forgive him yet again, to see past the obvious to what only you seem to be able to see. To be so understanding. But because you're the one allowing this, you are also the one who can set your boundaries and draw that line in the sand on what you are no longer willing to allow. You are in control here.

You are no longer the victim.

When he won't commit, when he doesn't call, when he all but disappears, when he treats you that way, when you put him on that pedestal and put yourself so far beneath him that you can't see the truth anymore.

This is you choosing him. This is you not choosing you.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

If he won't commit, and you want a commitment, what about this works for you?

If he doesn't call – or text, or communicate with you in whatever way he said he would – could it be you have your answer from the silence?

If he all but disappears, why do you have to make this about you? He's the one who disappeared.

If he's treating you in a way that doesn't honor or respect or show you he loves you, why are you choosing to allow yourself to be treated like this?

No one deserves to be put on a pedestal. We are equals regardless of what gender we are, how intelligent we are, how beautiful or handsome we are, how "together" we are, what we do for a living, how much money we make, what kind of car we drive, how educated we are … I could go on and on.

When you're ready, in your own time, let him know it's your time. It's not his time anymore. You can always keep living like this, it's always your choice, my beautiful friend, but if there's one common thread that unites this entire community, it's the one that says it's your turn. Your choice. Your life. Your turn. Find that strong voice within you. See what she's capable of. See what she can do. She's there, just waiting her turn. Don't disappoint her.

Show her the life she was born to live!

How Do I Get Closure When He Just Disappeared?

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Closeup of a beautiful woman is looking sad becasue her boyfriend has disappeared on her and she wants closure.
He literally walked away without a word about why.

It's heart-wrenching any time a relationship ends where we've invested so much of ourselves. But it's even more painful when the goodbyes are never actually said.

When it suddenly becomes clear that it's over, but we don't really know why.

We're left alone with only our own unanswered questions to keep us company.

It's so difficult because there's no closure.

I know many of you have experienced this at one time or another, and I have, too. One of our beautiful readers, Michelle, is experiencing this right now.

If you've been there, if you've gone through this,  I'm sure she would appreciate any words of encouragement from you. Here's her story:Continue Reading

What to Do When He Suddenly Disappeared

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You're in a relationship with the perfect guy, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, when suddenly he disappears from your life never to be heard from again. A woman is looking at her iphone wondering why he disappeared.Almost all of us have been there before at least once in our lives.  The perfect guy, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, suddenly disappears, never to be heard from again. No call, no text, not even a goodbye note. There you are, left all alone, wondering what happened, where’d he go, what went wrong, and, most importantly, what should you do now?

While some of us try desperately to get him back, others go back and forth second guessing everything and blaming ourselves for being the reason he disappeared. Most of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves so utterly devastated by the disintegration of what seemed so promising, so full of potential, that we are unsure of how to move on.

The good news is that there's a process for getting through this and getting back on track, to where you were before he disappeared.

Express it.

Whether you punch couch cushions or a punching bag, cry into your pillow until your tears are finally dried up, scream at the top of your lungs or pour out your heart to your best friend, the key is to let it all out. Let yourself really feel everything no matter how painful, say everything you want to say until you get to the tears and then let it all out. There is nothing as healing as those tears that finally come when we realize that underneath our anger and our rage at what happened is simply a hurt little girl who wasn't ready to give up on a dream. From there, true emotional healing can finally begin and life can begin anew.

Write it out.

Write a letter or email to him letting him know how much he hurt you and how much it hurt you that he disappeared. Don’t miss anything you want to say to him. Write out every detail, every feeling, every way you feel betrayed, misled and disappointed with the way he suddenly disappeared without a trace, without any explanation.

But don’t send it to him; this is for you, not him. It’s in putting it down on paper that you get it all out while it serves as a reminder of what it was really like with him when your memory can only conjure up all the wonderful things about him and the relationship and forgets all too easily the reality of what it was really like. Then when you no longer need this reminder, once you can see the reality of what was instead of the fairytale fantasy of what you wanted it to be, get rid of it.

Forgive him.

Yes, you read that right. You have to forgive him for the fact that he disappeared without so much as saying goodbye. Let go of the anger and the sadness realizing that he just wasn't there didn't know how to handle the situation any better. He wasn't on the same page as you and as much as he might have wanted to be, he didn't know what to do to get there and wasn't able to be honest and upfront with you when he realized this. This isn't about excusing him or lessening what you went through; this is about you recognizing that he is just as human as you and can make mistakes, too.

It doesn't absolve him of what he did or the responsibility for his actions, it’s simply about you making a decision to forgive him and let go of holding a grudge against him. It's about not letting that kind of negative energy permeate your relationships going forward. It’s this lack of forgiveness that all too often ends up with us having hardened hearts with jaded attitudes even when we move on from these past hurtful relationships. It’s when we truly can see him for the less than perfect guy that he really is that we can learn to forgive in a genuine way that allows us to forgive ourselves, too.

Realize it was a gift.

The bottom line is that he wasn't the one for you. You weren't meant to be together. And it really was a gift that you found out now, as painful as this realization can be, before you invested any more of your time and energy on someone who isn't there, isn't on the same page where he can give you what you’re looking for from him. It doesn't get any easier the longer you’re together; it only gets more painful. So know that you've been saved from so much more heartbreak down the road by finding this all out now.

Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.

You now have the time and energy to spend on someone who is right where you are, looking for the same thing you are with someone just like you. There is nothing that compares to this when you find it, and the surest way to finding it is in the process of letting go of the ones that aren't where you are, as painful as that can be to accept.

Above all, by looking at our relationship endings this way, we can begin to see that these things really do happen for a reason, and when it’s meant to be, it will be! And when it’s not, it’s a beautiful thing if we choose to see it that way; as it clears the way for the right one to arrive.

5 Warning Signs You're Dating A Womanizer

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Here are a few red flags that would definitely indicate a potential for womanizer status. A beautiful woman is on a date with a guy that she is wondering is a womanizer.
If he's moving very quickly he may be a womanizer.

Wondering if your Prince Charming is really just a smooth womanizer? Check out this article I wrote for YourTango for a few warning signs…

You've just met a man who, at least on the surface, seems to be your dream guy. He's attractive, funny, charming, successful and his smile (let alone the thought of his caress) makes you weak in the knees. You go out on a date or two, and he's nothing short of perfect. He treats you like a queen, compliments your sense of style and tells you all of the things that you've been longing to hear from a guy.

So how do you know this guy's the real thing and not just some womanizer who's going to disappear after your first slumber party? While the only way to know for sure is to pass the test of time, here are a few red flags that would definitely indicate a potential for womanizer status.

1. He has a reputation. If your girlfriends have warned you that he uses women and throws them away, you need to listen to them and know he's most likely a womanizer. Granted, there's a small chance that you are the woman that can change him, but even if you do, you'll just wind up spending the rest of your relationship worrying he's going to revert back to his old womanizing ways. It's very likely a guy like this will.

2. He moves fast. Before you've even had a chance to meet his friends and family Continue reading on YourTango.com

 

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers.
While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

The Top 5 Biggest Dating Mistakes We All Make

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The top five dating mistakes we all make. A beautiful woman is embarrassed and is hiding her face with her hands.Looking back on my single days, there are so many things I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. So many of these things we learn only from experience; from learning about life and love the hard way.

But the reality is, when we’re in it, when we’re dating, when we think we’ve found someone who might be the one, when we’re feeling that incredible chemistry, when we’re so lonely we don’t know if we can be alone another minute, when he finally notices us and asks us out, when we feel like we can’t breathe if we don’t hear from him, when we’re so scared to lose him, when we feel like without him we have nothing, when we’re sure he must be lying dead in the gutter somewhere because that's the only reason he would've disappeared like that, we can’t see that we’re about to make a huge mistake.

When we’re in over our heads emotionally and can’t think clearly we’re not able to be objective about what we’re doing. And that’s why we do all of those crazy, unloving, disrespectful things we do to ourselves in the name of love (or at least, what we believe love to be). And while I'm a firm believer that our mistakes are actually rich learning experiences if we allow them to be and we choose to learn from them, there’s no denying that there are things we’d rather do differently if we had them to do all over again. Because I had no idea how much heartbreak and misery I could have saved myself if someone had only told me what huge mistakes I was making by doing some of the these things, I'm going to tell you about the huge mistakes you are making (and we all make).

So here’s my list for you of what I consider to be the top five biggest dating mistakes.

1.) Being exclusive right away.

I didn’t figure this one out until years later. At the time, I would have thought that dating more than one person at the same time was just downright slutty. But I’m talking about dating here, not sleeping with anyone. Just dating more than one person at the same time.  Because the thing is that if you’re not dating exclusively, if the guy you’d really like to be exclusive with knows that he’s in the running but there’s others that you’re still considering too, that puts him in the best position possible – one where he has to prove to you that he’s worth going exclusive for. And that also keeps you in a place of high self-esteem and confidence knowing that if he really has that much potential you’ll know before giving too much of your self to someone too early, before you really know them well enough to make that kind of commitment.

Believe me, he will not be turned off by you dating more men than just him. What he will be is competitive enough to know that he wants to show you why you should drop the others and become exclusive to him. A decision that you’ll be much more in a position to make if you’ve got a couple of others you’re dating along with him, even if he’s really the only one you’re truly interested in.

And no, you’re not using the others, because you never know when the guy you’re not all that into throws you for a loop and surprises you with all he has to offer you. After dating several guys for a while you might just find that the guy you originally thought was number two or three surprises you and takes on the number one position.

2.) Getting intimate too soon.

There are so many different views on when it’s ok and not ok to be intimate with someone. While we all know the thrill of that intense chemistry when you feel like you just can’t stop yourself from going there with him, the reality is that this kind of chemistry tends to fizzle out all too soon leaving in its wake your broken heart and regret that you got intimately involved far too soon.

I have found that the best rule to follow here is not the amazing chemistry barometer when you’re in the heat of the moment (which is not going to be very objective) but instead the rule of waiting until you have a firm commitment from him and you’re both exclusively committed to each other. Another good rule is that if you’re not comfortable talking about birth control and STD protection with him, you’re definitely not ready to be giving yourself to someone on the kind of sexual level we’re talking about here. As uncomfortable as those conversations can be, they are necessary conversations to have with someone you’re about to become intimate with.

Ultimately, if you’re not sure, or have any doubt that it might be too soon, trust your gut.  It is.

3.) Calling him when he stopped calling.

This is one I always agonized over. When someone I had been dating suddenly wasn’t calling as often or as regularly as he had been, instead of talking to him directly about it, or deciding to back off myself and start living my life more so that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to call, I would get scared and call him. I’d typically come up with some excuse and then call him with something I thought seemed important (which, in hindsight, I’m sure he saw right through).

I’m also sure that I could have saved myself so much heartbreak from dragging the relationship on this way rather than either confronting him with the change, or just accepting that something had changed in the relationship for him and moving on with my own life. The reality is if he's interested, and this applies to whatever stage of the relationship you’re in, he’ll find a way to contact you and won’t leave you wondering where you stand.

And the truth is, where you absolutely do stand is beautifully in your own place, with or without him!

4.) Putting him up on a pedestal.

Hear me loud and clear here - He needs to prove he’s worthy and deserving of your love. If he wasn't pursuing me, if he could take me or leave me, that meant that he was more confident, more secure, more everything than I was. And to me, that translated into he was a real catch, he was someone worth proving myself to that I was worthy of his love.

It didn’t matter if I barely knew him, if I knew very little about his character, his values, his integrity, or even him. I would automatically assume he was so much more than me and I was thrilled that he was paying so much attention to me. What I finally figured out was that this really was about me. And my own lack of self-esteem and confidence that came from deep inside me.

Make sure that you are looking for an equal, a partner in a relationship, not a father figure or role model.

5.) Not being direct.

When I think about all the times I skirted around the issues that would come up, the number of occasions where I remained silent, waiting, watching, hoping and waiting some more to see what he was thinking, where this was all going, wondering whether he would choose me for keeps in the end, I can clearly see now just how much I contributed to my own relationship failures. Instead of wasting weeks and months and even years of energy, time and oh so many tears, I could have found out the answers to my unspoken questions that eventually would come out in the end, right away.

If I had been direct from the outset about what I was looking for, about what he was looking for and about just how much our plans and dreams had in common, I would have known these answers in time to save my heart from the heartbreak that comes from waiting too long, from getting too attached to the wrong person in the name of a dream, and from forgetting that I had just as much say in the relationship and where it was going as he did.

While I was concerned about being too forward, what I had missed was that I could be assertive without being aggressive, if I had only realized that being assertive is much more attractive than being so passive. If I had only realized just how much healthier a relationship is when two people are both able to communicate directly, I would have understood one of the true tenets of the type of relationship I longed for, yet had no idea of how to get there.

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