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You are here: Home / Archives for emotionally unavailable

Why do I still need his validation?

10 Comments

A beautiful woman is leaning on a railing against a sunset, disappointed she hasn't heard from her boyfriend.
I shouldn't care but I do.

Our letter this week comes from Micah, who's wondering why she's still looking for validation from one of the worst guys she's ever been with, and why it still matters to her that she hears from him.

Here's her letter and my response below...

Hi Jane,

I'm having weird feelings about my "boyfriend" who moved away.

Normally, whenever I'd think about an ex or him, I couldn't help but long to be together again, the thought of having just one more time and how I'd do things differently - the whole 9 yards.

Whereas today, with him, I don't even get to that sad place.

I'm reminded of how everything he ever said and did was a lie. It's not enough to say I get mad when I think about him but more so, uninterested - can't be bothered mentally.

Though lately, well, I've been in a mad mood. A lot of people have been hearing from their exes and so naturally he's been on my mind, as each month goes by, it's a reminder how someone I cared for cared so little about me.Continue Reading

The Reason He Says "I Don't Know"

33 Comments

Woman and man sitting on a curb breaking up, man with his head in his hands
Is it just an excuse?

He can’t tell you what he doesn’t know.

His words haunt us.

"I don’t know."

"I’m not sure why."

"I wish I could."

"I don’t mean to hurt you."

We’ve heard them all before.

The reality - the stark, harsh, cold reality - is that he can’t give you more of an answer to the questions you’re asking him because he really doesn’t know.

Yes, you and I would know.Continue Reading

I Don't Understand How He Could Walk Away From This

9 Comments

A beautiful woman leans her head against the wall, sad about her breakup.
I can't help but wonder if he'll come back.

Gorgeous Wanda had a great relationship with amazing chemistry and a strong emotional connection, but now he's saying he can't commit and doesn't want a relationship. She's trying to understand what happened.

Here's what she wrote:

Hi Jane,

Thank you for providing all your great content - your articles have been so helpful. I think my story is similar to many that you have shared, but I'm hoping you can be helpful with this situation.

Here's my story: I was dating a man, and the first 2 months were perfect... honestly maybe too perfect.

He was consistently making an effort and told me how much he liked me. We had instant chemistry and a really strong emotional connection. I truly think we both thought we were a good match in terms of personality, values, chemistry, etc.

At ~2 months in, he was honest about his concerns that he wouldn't be able to commit/offer enough to a relationship at that time. Long story short, we decided to keep dating anyway, both with the hope that things would get better.Continue Reading

He Says They're My Feelings and He Can't Change Them

13 Comments

Woman lying in bed upset, wondering if she chased him away
The only thing I want is love.

Our letter this week comes from beautiful Anna. She's having doubts about a man she's been dating for a year and a half and isn't sure what she should do with them. I have some thoughts for her and after hearing her story, I'm sure you will, too.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I have been reading your emails for some time and they are very encouraging so I would like to thank you for that.

I've been dating this man for a year and a half. He is kind, and a good man, and we are in exclusive relationship. He treats me well, he says he loves me and that he is in love with me. However, when I am with him, sometimes I feel I work hard for his attention.

I feel like he is distracted with his thoughts.Continue Reading

This Is What You Need to Do About the Man Who Won't Commit

16 Comments

A beautiful, exuberant woman is in a field with her arms raised towards the sun.
Do this first - then you'll know what to do with him.

I talk to so many women who all want to know what they should do about a particular man who's dragging his feet, who comes and goes but not on any schedule they can count on, who's all but living like a single guy while he's supposed to be in a relationship with them.

Every one of their friends tells them to dump him, but the truth is, until you're ready to dump him, you can't, you won't, and you're going to be miserable if you do.

You already know what you're going to do regardless of what I or anyone else say you should do. So I'm going to tell you to do something else.

Shift the focus from him to you.

Find out everything you can about why you are the way you are and how your personality combined with your environment to make you the way you are.

Find some people or animals or cause or something else outside yourself that desperately needs all that love you have for him, and pour your heart into that. Continue Reading

The Reason You Still Can't Believe It's Not You

2 Comments

A beautiful woman looks down, sad, wondering if her boyfriend is getting distant.
Why do we do this?

I've been having some deep discussions on my calls lately, around the underlying subject of our longings for unconditional love.

Leftover from our childhoods, from a place most of us have never connected to the present, until we realize something must be amiss for us to keep attracting and choosing the men that we do. The irony is that while we long for unconditional love with every part of our heart and soul, we look for it precisely from the ones completely incapable of giving us that kind of love.

Why do we do this?

It makes no sense to our logical minds, but the pull is so strong (and entirely subconscious) to extract this kind of love from someone who cannot give it to us because he never received enough of any kind of love to have a place of overflow within himself that it could even come from.

Why the pull? It's because it's so familiar.

It's once again someone with so much potential because they give us glimpses of that soft part within them. We take that and run with it because even just the feeling of the possiblity of that potential lights us up to the possibility of what might be. This time might be different. This time. The promise of which is so familiar. Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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