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If There's ONE Thing I've Learned Through Everything I've Been Through, It's This....

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A beautiful woman looks out over the beach, wondering why her boyfriend suddenly disappeared.
Sometimes it needs to get bad enough for us to see something needs to change.

It has to get worse before it gets better. I've always felt this, about everything.

We don't do anything different - until we're forced to. We don't change anything that needs to be changed - unless we have to change, even if it's just to maintain the status quo. We can't even see that anything needs to change until we're forced to see what it was so much easier NOT to see.

Until we can't pretend anymore. Until we can't just look away and pretend we don't see it.

I'm reminded of the time my best friend bought a plane ticket she couldn't afford, left her young kids with her husband, to fly clear across the country to try to convince me to see what she could see that I couldn't at the time.

She begged me to leave him, to come back with her, to see what I wasn't seeing, to believe her when she was telling me I was losing myself in him and settling for crumbs. It was breaking her heart to see me this way, and yet still, it didn't move me.

I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. That I was only telling her the awful things when it was bad but most of the rest of the time it was good, that she just wasn't hearing from me then.

She left without convincing me.

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Sure, it may be simple. But don't ever call it easy!

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench wondering why she loves him.
And don't make it more difficult than it already is.

I've been talking a lot recently about the difference between something being easy and something being simple.

Like relationships.

And love.

And choosing something different than you're used to choosing.

Some of you get so down on yourselves because you get this in theory, but then you can't seem to apply it to your practical reality. You may have friends or family who make you feel like there's something wrong with you because it's not happening the way they make it seem like it should be, but the truth is, there's a world of difference between easy and simple.Continue Reading

Are You Asking for Too Much?

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Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
It’s not that you’re asking for too much, it’s who you’re asking it of.

It's a question I hear from so many of you: Am I asking for too much?

I need you to think about this one, because if we're ever going to stop taking this out on ourselves, we have to separate the two.

It’s not that you’re asking for too much. Oh you’re not!

For someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s ready for a real committed relationship and knows that’s exactly what he wants and nothing less, what you’re asking for is entirely reasonable and doesn’t need to be defended or explained to anyone!

But if we’re talking about someone who for all he may say he’s ready for a relationship but doesn’t show you with his real life actions that he actually is, then you're going to feel like you’re asking for too much for a very good reason.

And this reason is because there’s a disconnect between the two of you.Continue Reading

Is It Settling to Date A Guy When There's No Chemistry?

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Young couple on a date talking in coffee shop
Should I keep dating him if I'm not feeling the chemistry?

The letter this week comes from beautiful Leah. She's wondering just how much time to give a guy when she's not feeling the chemistry, and she doesn't want to settle.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I bought your program "Why men pull away" and I found it very helpful, especially the "Why Him?" section, as I was really struggling to understand how he could just disappear after all the special moments we shared and all the things he said.

I couldn’t shake the thought that he didn’t see me as "special enough" but your words make a lot of sense and help me accept the idea that he did see me as special, it’s just he wasn’t ready for it and it scared him.

I also really liked your analogy on the "mirror": how what we miss the most from him is that part of us that we weren’t able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.

It just confirms what I already knew: that I need to work on my self-love and self-esteem so that I stop doubting that I am special.

The only bit I am struggling with is the part about giving guys we would never usually give a chance, a chance… It just sounds a bit like settling for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry, just because he is ready to commit and won’t hurt you.

I am all for giving nice guys a chance, my four longest relationship were with guys I initially didn’t feel attracted to, but that grew on me because we had great chemistry and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first two had no commitment problems, the other two did.

I am now going through the painful process of dating again and the guy I had two dates with so far seems like a really nice guy, but the conversation is stalling and I’m just wondering if this is all there is to hope for: a nice guy with whom I can have "ok" conversations with.Continue Reading

The One Little Action That Changes Everything

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A beautiful woman is questioning her pre-programmed beliefs
It's time to question everything.

Sometimes my inspiration comes in the middle of the night. When I'm awakened for no apparent reason and can't get back to sleep. I used to resist these times as I so value my sleep, but I'm learning to roll with it because I'm finding that some of my best writing comes during these times, when I turn my thoughts to what you most need to hear from me.

How can I reach you? How can I give you more of what you need? These are the questions that come into my mind when I lay down but sleep is not forthcoming.

And this is why I say you never cry alone, because there is someone thinking of you even in the middle of the night, wherever you happen to be and whatever you happen to be going through.

It was on just such a night, as I threw around some words and ideas in my head to see what might become more clear to me, two words appeared that grew into so much more.Continue Reading

The Greatest Lesson I've Ever Learned

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A beautiful woman is smiling and happy because she loves herself and is confident.There’s one thing I've learned along this journey that has had a greater impact on me than any other lesson I've learned (and oh how many there have been!) It’s the one that hits me at my most vulnerable place of all, in my aloneness.

Because I've always felt so alone.

I've always felt so different on the inside, so unlovable because I wasn't just like everyone else. And while I played the part so well on the outside, inside there was such a different story going on. Inside I was the one who didn't quite fit in – anywhere. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Surrounded by so much pressure to conform in order to be loved, I learned to play the part well, while internalizing so much of what went unsaid; I was different in a world where different wasn't a valuable asset, but something to be changed, to be shamed away, to be shut down and shut out. It didn't matter whether that was the intention or not, that was my own lonely reality.

And so in my epic search to find a cure for my loneliness, although I wouldn't come to boil it down to that until many, many years later, I was always chasing after the ones who made me feel less alone. The ones who were different, the ones who blazed their own trails and didn't care what anyone – including me – thought.Continue Reading

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