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The Simple Way to Stop Feeling Rejected

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A beautiful blond woman sits on a park bench with her face in her hands because she is feeling rejected.Of all the emails I've received recently from my readers, one of the most overwhelming underlying themes centers around feeling rejected. It seems that so many of you are either in the process of feeling rejected by someone by his lack of responsiveness to you, or you are having a really hard time getting over someone because you feel rejected by him. Many of you are wondering how there could be any hope left for you since you feel you keep getting rejected regardless of who you are, what you do, or who you find yourself involved with.

A majority of you find yourselves wondering where to go from here, because you're afraid of feeling rejected again if you put yourself out there and give someone a chance. And yet the alternative, being alone, isn't any better because you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone, you’re just not sure how to go about it.

And for many of you, there is a downward spiral effect so that the more you put yourself out there, and the more you find yourself feeling rejected, the worse you feel about yourself and the more you question whether you will ever find the love you’re looking for or if there’s just too much wrong with you to attract any man who will really love you for your true self.

It's enough to crush the self-esteem of even the most confident woman.

I want you to rewind this entire recording that’s been playing on in your head for far too long. I want you to go back to the very first time you felt what you have been calling rejection from a guy. Remember as many details as you can about it, about the whole relationship regardless of how long it was, and I want you to answer the following questions as honestly as you can.

  • What was he like?
  • How did you feel when you were with him?
  • What were your expectations?
  • What were his expectations?
  • What were your terms?
  • What were his terms?
  • Could you both communicate honestly about your feelings?
  • How did he treat you?
  • How compatible were you really?
  • What was he looking for?
  • What were you looking for?

There’s a reason we’re starting with the first time you experienced feeling rejected. Because it set the stage for what you called rejection. So that the next time you experienced a similar lack of compatibility and it ended, you took it as a rejection again. A rejection of your beautiful you, your true self, and all that you are and had to offer someone who you thought was worth your you.

From here it wasn't much of a stretch to wonder what was wrong with you, and depending on how many times you experienced this, it’s no wonder you began to question yourself enough to wonder if there really is something wrong with you and if you’re destined to always be alone.

This is where the truth comes in. Not any more of the lies you've been buying into about this rejection you've been making into your reality.  I know it plays into the emotional story where we’re not good enough for someone, we’re not beautiful enough or intelligent enough or sexy enough, or popular enough or whatever part of enough we want to call it. But this calls for a reality check of what rejection is and isn't.

You haven’t been rejected.

The truth is, you just were not compatible. If you look closely at your answers to the questions above, you'll realize that you were two different people who wanted two different things, who were not on the same page.

How do I know? Because if this wasn't the case, you wouldn't be feeling rejected because you'd still be together.

Over the story you wrote about that first time you were feeling rejected, write that out in a big bold color. You weren't rejected. Go through each of the experiences you've been calling rejection and do this same exercise for each one.

None of this has been what you thought it was!

This is what really happened. No matter what it felt like emotionally to you, he wasn’t rejecting you. He saw what you couldn’t see while you were trapped in that beautiful, emotional world you live in where love conquers all and covers a multitude of differences. Also known as the fairy tale.

The truth is, love doesn't always conquer all.

It takes the practical reality of two people who not only love each other, but who also want the same thing as the other and are both willing and ready to do what it takes to make that happen.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

There is no rejection.

Just differences. Incompatibility. Different pages.

Someone finally had to set you both free so you could get on with your lives and not waste any more time with something that couldn't work - no matter how much you wanted it to.

This story you've bought into, this rejection theme, the one that’s chipped away at your self-esteem, your self-confidence with each and every new occurrence with someone who simply wasn't right for you; it’s time to put it to rest. And write a new ending. The one that begins and ends with a beautiful person otherwise known as you who deserves someone who’s on the same page, who wants the same kind of commitment you want, who’s ready and willing to do what it takes to make it work with someone who wants this all, too!

Don’t call it rejection. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let its judgment rest on you for even a second! Feel yourself released from its hold. Release yourself with this knowledge. No more feeling rejected.

Who are you without this weight? Who are you without this story?

You’ve never been rejected. You’ve only been with someone who wasn’t right for you!

Be Picky

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A beautiful woman with long blond hair in a white tank top is pointing her thumb down indicating that she is being picky in her relationships. She is picky because she knows what she wants and deserves.As in: refuse to settle for anything less than what you really want, and truly deserve.

So here we are - we’ve figured out who we really are, we’re confident, healthy, and we know exactly what we’re looking for. Now we’re ready to move on to what that looks like in real life – your real life. We have our clear definition of Mr. Right – we can picture him. Not necessarily what he looks like physically, but his qualities – he’s caring, kind, gentle, romantic – he has all of those traits that we just listed out earlier in Step #7.

So what now?

What do we do when that good looking guy that makes a lot of money asks us out and takes us to that romantic restaurant and starts sweeping us off our feet?

Well, this is where it gets tough – you have to ask yourself: does he match what I decided I was really looking for? You can’t let yourself be blinded by the excitement of being pursued – stick to your guns and remember what you want. If you decided kids are definitely in your future, you have to ask yourself -  is he going to be the good father that you’re looking for when he’s working 80 hour weeks to make all that money?

You're right - probably not.

And you definitely don’t want to go into it thinking he’ll change – odds are very much against that. It’s much more likely that there will be a lot of stress in the relationship down the road, which is why so many end in divorce.

And what if you’re currently in a relationship? Well, then you need to take a hard look at that relationship and see if it fits your new criteria. Typically, if you’re reading this book, the answer is that it doesn’t, and it’s time to move on. But sometimes, after finding ourselves and getting a little space to have our own life and realize what we really want in life, we’re able to look at things through new eyes and see that, well, maybe this is right for me.

And there’s an important point here I want to make because it’s just that important. What you’re looking for may be right there in front of you. It might be your current boyfriend, a (currently) platonic friend, or someone else you see every day but haven’t really noticed like that before. Sometimes once we really look inside ourselves and realize what’s really important to us that sweet but slightly awkward guy starts to look a little more…well, attractive. Even cute. And once you open your eyes and mind a bit more, and realize how well he’s treating you, and wow – he does have all the qualities I’m looking for - he even becomes downright sexy. Believe me, it happens all the time.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship, not being able to come right out and tell him how you’re feeling, what you’d like from him and where you’re at, there’s probably a good reason for it. But test it - give him a chance to respond to what you’re feeling is lacking in the relationship, and see if anything changes. Because by giving it - the relationship - and him a chance, you’ll find out pretty quickly if it’s what you’re looking for. Or if the two of you really aren’t right for each other.

The whole settling thing isn’t about selling yourself short; it’s about clearing our paths for the right guy, the real thing. It’s about coming to the full realization that as much as we want to experience love in our lives, as much as we don’t want to be alone, we’re not willing to take just anyone to fill that void we’re feeling.

And in that knowledge, we become stronger, more confident, more ready for the real love of our lives to come on over as we start to attract more of what we’re putting out there.

That we’re worth it. Deserving.

So worth that kind of love with that kind of guy. And when it’s real, you’ll know it. Next we'll take a look at what to do with some of those old insecurities that surface even when we are finally getting it right...

Understand What You're REALLY Looking For

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A beautiful, happy woman is lying in the tall grass with the sun shining on her face, knowing that she understands what she really wants.Stop chasing what other people think you should want.

Now that we’ve gotten clear on who we really are, what interests us and where our passions lie, we’re going to figure out what we’re looking for in our true love.

Mr. Right. The One. Our Soul Mate.

Or whatever you prefer to call him.

Because ladies, we are onto something! And the great news is that he’s not the guys we’ve been dating. And why that’s great news is that it hasn’t worked out so far!

Here we’ve felt like such a failure for not being able to make those relationships work when we’ve tried so hard, done all the work only to have them slip through our fingers (or leap over our heads). Can we finally see that they weren’t the guys for us? They weren’t meant to work, they weren’t meant for us to be able to turn them around, make them come back to us, keep the relationship from ending because they weren’t the ones for us!Continue Reading

The One Thing You Need to Bring to a Relationship

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Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman. A beautiful woman is being hugged from behind by her romantic partner.
He wants a woman who is complete in and of herself

I really do get it. “You complete me” is simply a tear-evoking, make-us-weak-at-the-knees statement we would all love to hear coming from our man. The very thought of him just needing us so much that he would be broken, a fraction of the man he is now if we weren’t in his life, just makes our hearts melt. But reality is far from what is portrayed in the movies, and the romance movie genre is one of the worst offenders.

Think about it:

Do you really want to be dating only part of a person? Someone who has not yet matured completely? Someone who is so needy of your attention and affection that they latch onto you and just won’t let go?

The word clinger comes to mind. When you think about it this way, it becomes obvious — of course you don’t want that kind of man.

Well, the truth is guys don’t want that either.

Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman.

“When you bring your complete self to the relationship, you’re able to recognize if you’re compatible.”

Being complete doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

We all have our faults, but being complete means you understand these faults and know they are yours and yours alone.

They’re not caused by your partner and you are the only person that can change these traits.

Continue reading on DatingAdvice.com…

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? A beautiful confident woman leans against a tree in a park.One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

 

It's Time To Celebrate YOU!

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Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. A beautiful woman is celebrating herself by giving herself a bouquet of flowers.You're pretty great, no matter what you think about yourself. How do I know? Because everyone is pretty great. We all have our own unique qualities that make us special, interesting, valuable and lovable. It's time to start celebrating those unique qualities that make you you. It's in the noticing and celebrating of our own special qualities that we let the light of ourselves shine out for the rest of the world to see. If we don't see it ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?

So it's time to celebrate this beautiful woman that we all know as YOU! The weekend is here and there's no time like the present, so let's make this weekend into an impromptu celebration of everything that you bring to the table. Let's get started…

Love yourself

Write down three things that you love about yourself – they can be three things that you do really well (think knitting, organizing closets, putting together beautiful flower arrangements) or personality traits (kindness, generosity, patience). Don't sell yourself short – we all have things that we're good at, the problem is that remembering these things isn't one of them. Sometimes the things that we're good at come so naturally to us that we don't even realize what a gift they are. So if you're having trouble thinking of three – don't despair. Just start with one for now, and pay attention to yourself over the course of the day and think of two more. You'll be amazed at how many things you notice that you're great at!

Pamper yourself

Focus on making yourself happy this weekend. A few ideas:

Immerse yourself. Sure, it might be a cliché, but it's a good one - Draw yourself a nice hot bubble bath complete with some relaxing, rejuvenating aromatic bath salts, candles, soft music (or simply quiet if you prefer), and enjoy a long, hot soak. We are all intimately connected to water, and the feeling of water against our skin is simply renewing. Think of how it feels on your beautiful skin (yes, you have beautiful skin!)

Grab a cup of coffee, a friend, your dog, or just your own inner thoughts, and take an early morning stroll around the park and simply breathe in all of the nature.

Curl up on the couch with your most comforting comforter and read that book you haven't gotten to, watch a movie or catch up on your favorite shows.

The point is to do something you enjoy for yourself, and not because someone else wants you to. This is your time.

Go buy yourself something pretty

It doesn't need to be expensive, it just needs to be something that makes you feel special, feel good. Some pretty new cotton panties, a new pair of simple earrings or some new lipstick or eyeliner are all easy ways to bring beauty into your life.

An inexpensive bouquet of local flowers each week from the grocery store in a vase by your bedside table can brighten up your mood on a daily basis and doesn't cost much.

Put your best self forward

Wear your favorite knock-their-socks-off outfit just to go for a walk or to the grocery store. You can't help but strut your stuff with that air of confidence when you're wearing your hottest outfit, complete with all the accessories. Stop saving it for that special occasion and get some use out of it now!

Another way to feel your best is to wear your favorite lingerie under your everyday clothes even when you're doing mundane everyday things like running your errands. You'll be amazed at how much more confident you feel!

Make a dream list

Make a list of all of the things you've always dreamed of doing, both grand and simple. Wanted to walk on the Great Wall of China? Put it on the list. Wanted to go take a sailing lesson? Put it on there. Wanted to check out the famous theater downtown? Write it down. Then organize your list from most outlandish down to the simplest.

Now go down the list starting at the top, pick the first one that you can reasonably do now, and then go do it this weekend. You'll feel great when you scratch it off the list, and then you can plan another one for next weekend!

Connect with a friend

Call up one of your gal pals and let her know that you're ready for a celebration – just because! You can go out and celebrate each other – make a deal that you will prepare to tell her all of the wonderful things that you love about her in exchange for her telling you all of the things that she loves about you. You'll both feel great afterwards!

Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. And the best part is, it's completely under your control!

So don't wait another second to start your weekend celebration of the beautiful, radiant, confident woman known as YOU!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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