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Has he changed? Can a person change?

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A beautiful woman is leaning her head against a wall, frustrated that her emotionally unavailable ex boyfriend is now in a committed relationship with another woman.
Why did he tell me he didn't want a serious relationship, and now he's in a serious relationship with her?

One of our beautiful readers, who calls herself "Bdoll", has been with an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for the better part of the last five years. He had consistently told her that he didn't want a serious relationship, only to suddenly break up with her and start a serious relationship with another woman.

Here's her email:

I dated someone for 4.5 years on and off.  They say when someone says they don't want to get married, or have a long term relationship, it means "with you!". Or does it mean 'in general'.

He told me from Day 1, that he did not want a relationship, but had one in every sense of the word anyway. The chemistry between us was like nothing I had ever experienced before, it was the pinnacle of any adult relationship I had had previous.

The timing was not right for him, and I believe this to be critical for a man.

This was a 52 year old man, never married. Very charismatic, educated, smart, and had been in plenty of relationships, live-in and long term. Had his choice of woman, always. But wasn't settled in his career, and very unhappy about it.Continue Reading

Seriously? How Did I Get Here. . .

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A brunette woman feeling lonely in her relationship sits looking at the ocean.
He's a great guy, but until I walk he won't ever truly show up.

One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to call herself "Always Baby", or "AB" for short, has been in a long term on-and-off relationship with a guy who just can't seem to truly commit.

Here's her email:

I am 40. I met my boyfriend when I was 36.

We were together for a few years, split for 12 months, and got back together. We have now been back together for over a year.

My boyfriend told me on the first date he would never fall in love again, he would never marry again, and that was that. Maya Angelou says when people tell you who they are the first time, listen.

I should have.

Our chemistry was amazing..the date was planned around my loves (a play, dinner at the most romantic place)...the banter between us, sexual tension, instant connection--it was all there.

So I dated him.

The process of our relationship -- dating, to committed in regards to being his girlfriend took almost 7 months...and slowly, it hasn't grown much. We broke up when he took Chantix to quit smoking. It had horrible side effects on him including a withdrawal from life, passion, intimacy, his child who he has primary custody of, his personality -- he just became a depressed, dark man. I tried to stay with him. He eventually cut me out.

I thought about him every single day for that year that followed.Continue Reading

Falling In Love Too Fast

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A pair of heart-shaped rose-colored sunglasses indicating falling in love too fast.
Be careful with those rose-colored glasses!

When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.

All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.

But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.

Here’s why:

If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.Continue Reading

The One Little Thing That's Keeping You Stuck

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A woman sits at a desk with a book open, replaying her fairy tale romance story in her head with a castle in the background, illustrating that her story is keeping her stuck in a fairytale.
It keeps us doing the same things over and over again, whether it’s working for us or not.

We all have one.

And we’ll do anything to defend it, to keep it going.

It keeps us doing the same things over and over again whether it’s working for us or not. It isn't, but that’s not the point because we’d rather be right than to have to change it. Whether it’s why we’re still single, why we haven’t met him yet, or why it’s not our fault and we can’t possibly do anything to change it ourselves, we’re sticking to it no matter what.

What I'm talking about is our story.

We all hang on to it so tightly.

Until eventually, those tiny cracks that have started to creep into it can no longer go unnoticed and we’re forced to finally look at them for what they really are: a story. When you've been telling yourself the same thing for so long, when you've found a thousand ways to support and prove why it’s not just your story but your truth, it’s the hardest thing to see it for what it really is.

Even if it keeps on hurting you over and over again. Even if it keeps you from seeing a different way of being. Even if it could change your life if you could ever give it up.  It’s not about that. It’s become your story.Continue Reading

Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

175 Comments

Image of a spark between the hands of a woman and a man, signifying chemistry and spark in a relationship.
What do you do if you're not feeling the spark?

I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, kind, funny who kept her very satisfied in the bedroom.

They also have an amazing friendship. Sounds perfect, right?

He asked her to marry him.

She said no.

She went on to say that while she loved him very much, she knew it was never going to work out in the long term because she never felt that elusive spark.

She felt like she would be settling.

Honestly, I was stunned. I had to read it again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something.Continue Reading

Improve Your Dating by Changing One Thing

2 Comments

A beautiful woman is on a date, smiling from across the table.
If you can avoid this one huge mistake, your dating life will improve dramatically.

I made this mistake throughout most of my dating life, as did most of my friends – in fact I think nearly all of us have.

You see, I looked at dating as serving one purpose, and one purpose only: To start a relationship with a guy that I thought could be Mr. Right.

You're probably thinking right now "But that is the purpose of dating, right?" Well, yes and no.

Let me explain.Continue Reading

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