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Should I Choose Commitment Over Chemistry?

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A beautiful woman looks at her phone feeling confused over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.
I'm so confused! I don't know what to do...

Beautiful Melanie is feeling "dazed and confused" (her words) over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.

Here's what she wrote:

Hi Jane,

I have been following your program for several months now and read many of your stories. I have followed your advice about an ex-boyfriend (who moved and is now long distance.)

We tried to make things work for the last year as long distance, but he had an issue with being alone and also is going through a divorce for 3 years that is still not final. He has been unable to commit to anything at this point.

We were together for a year, then he had to move for work a year ago. He lives 3 hours away.Continue Reading

Is It Settling to Date A Guy When There's No Chemistry?

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Young couple on a date talking in coffee shop
Should I keep dating him if I'm not feeling the chemistry?

The letter this week comes from beautiful Leah. She's wondering just how much time to give a guy when she's not feeling the chemistry, and she doesn't want to settle.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I bought your program "Why men pull away" and I found it very helpful, especially the "Why Him?" section, as I was really struggling to understand how he could just disappear after all the special moments we shared and all the things he said.

I couldn’t shake the thought that he didn’t see me as "special enough" but your words make a lot of sense and help me accept the idea that he did see me as special, it’s just he wasn’t ready for it and it scared him.

I also really liked your analogy on the "mirror": how what we miss the most from him is that part of us that we weren’t able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.

It just confirms what I already knew: that I need to work on my self-love and self-esteem so that I stop doubting that I am special.

The only bit I am struggling with is the part about giving guys we would never usually give a chance, a chance… It just sounds a bit like settling for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry, just because he is ready to commit and won’t hurt you.

I am all for giving nice guys a chance, my four longest relationship were with guys I initially didn’t feel attracted to, but that grew on me because we had great chemistry and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first two had no commitment problems, the other two did.

I am now going through the painful process of dating again and the guy I had two dates with so far seems like a really nice guy, but the conversation is stalling and I’m just wondering if this is all there is to hope for: a nice guy with whom I can have "ok" conversations with.Continue Reading

Should You Be Dating Multiple Men at the Same Time?

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Pretty woman standing and juggling with red balls representing dating multiple men at one time.
Afraid to juggle more than one guy at a time? Here’s why you should be afraid NOT to!

With every new relationship, we learn. Every time our hearts break, we learn.

I’ll never do that again, we say. I’ll make sure to do this instead. Sound familiar?

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t NOT jump in with both feet whenever that intense chemistry kicked in. I used to wonder why I couldn’t be like other women who managed to keep their objectivity and take their time getting to know a new guy without putting all their eggs in one basket.

Because unlike them, I spent way, way too much of my time and energy waiting for him to call, to make plans with me for the weekend.  It was such an anxiety-provoking way to live waiting on him like this, and yet doing anything else - making plans with someone else -seemed like I would be showing him I wasn’t all that interested and he would lose interest in me.

Turns out, the opposite is true. This is now one of the things I would do so differently.Continue Reading

Help! I'm Only Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men

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Electric cable with sparks on black background.
I only feel "the spark" with the rascals!

This week our letter comes all the way from Sweden! Our beautiful friend, Micka, has been chasing emotionally unavailable men most of her life, and she's now realizing that she wants to stop going down that path. The problem is that the "nice" guys are not attractive to her.

Here's what she wrote:

Hello Jane. My name is Micka and I am a woman living in Sweden.

I am 56 years of age, probably far older than most of your readers. For the last 17 years, I have been single since divorcing a man after 10 years. I've had some romantic encounters but I do have the same problem as many other women here, I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men.

I know all the reasons why I am drawn to these men and why these complicated relationships makes me rise to the occasion, always ending up in pain and tears. I do believe I had my last relationship of that kind some months ago - last, because it almost killed me and I have sworn to not go there again.Continue Reading

Something Greater than Heartbreak

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The word trust spelled out in letter cubes.
One little word that's so very important.

I’m convinced there’s a lesson in here for us.

That somewhere in the midst of all our heartbreak, all our regrets and beating ourselves up and second guessing what we should have/could have/would have known and done differently with at the time if we possibly could have known better, there’s something greater at stake.

Trust.

That little word. That really, really important word that we automatically assume has to do with him.

But no, this time I’m not.

I’m talking about something ever more important than trusting another human being. I’m talking about trusting ourselves.

The more women I work with, the more people I come into contact with who share their stories with me when I tell them about the mission I’m on to empower women to find the love they deserve, the more convinced I’ve become that what we’re really doing is rediscovering something we’ve long forgotten.Continue Reading

Please Help Me Get Him Back

18 Comments

A woman looks at her phone wondering why he stopped texting.
He suddenly stopped texting or even responding to me!

I hear it all the time. Things started off so great - we had such chemistry, we clicked, I felt the spark! Then suddenly, everything changed...

One of our readers, City, is experiencing this right now. She confronted him about it, and now he's pulled away even more.

Here's what she wrote:

I met this guy a few months ago and we immediately clicked.

We had a connection (or so I thought ). We would talk till morning rise and we never wanted to be apart. He would  send me text messages just to let me know his thinking about me.

Every thing changed when he went home for holidays.Continue Reading

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