I hear it all the time. Things started off so great - we had such chemistry, we clicked, I felt the spark! Then suddenly, everything changed...
One of our readers, City, is experiencing this right now. She confronted him about it, and now he's pulled away even more.
Here's what she wrote:
I met this guy a few months ago and we immediately clicked.
We had a connection (or so I thought ). We would talk till morning rise and we never wanted to be apart. He would send me text messages just to let me know his thinking about me.
Every thing changed when he went home for holidays.
He did not text, if he did they would be short, answering questions, until he eventually stopped texting or even replying any of my messages. I confronted him and he said I complain too much. Is asking someone to reply to your text complaining?
I am afraid I might have ruined things between us. I might have spoilt any chance of us being together. I really like this guy and want to make things work.
Please help me get him back.
Please consider this:
If you confronting him and asking him to reply to your texts could possibly ruin things between the two of you, what have you really got? What is there between the two of you at all if this could be a deal breaker for him?
This isn’t about who’s right or wrong about whether asking someone to reply to your text is complaining; it’s about the fact that he said you complain too much when you confronted him, and that you felt the need to confront him at all.
This is you being you, City. And this is him being him.
If he pulled away or disappeared or you haven’t heard from him in whatever form after this conversation, it’s not because you did something wrong. It’s because you both revealed more of who you are, and this revelation showed that you’re not on the same page.
I can’t stress this point enough, City.
You reveal who you are to someone the more you get to know them, the more they see more of you, and the more you see of them. If you don’t like what it reveals, then use that realization to do something about it, to work on changing that part of you if you don’t like it.
But if you’re reacting to his lack of response to your texts and you want someone who will respond to you even when he’s home for the holidays, then know that this isn’t your guy.
Because if you hadn’t said what you did say to him, you wouldn’t have been being your true self. Or you can work on that part of you and find someplace else to go with your need for communication when he’s away, and then you’ll present a different side of you to him as it becomes you.
But if you’re looking to him to determine what you say and what you do so that he won’t feel like you’re “complaining”, or only to get him back or keep him with you, he’ll eventually see through that because the real you can never not come through!
You see, we’ve got this all wrong.
Instead of first being crystal clear with ourselves about who we are and what we want, instead we connect with someone in that incredible connection we all know all too well, and when he shows us who he really is, we spend all our time and energy trying to keep that connection going, instead of accepting who he is – and who we are.
So if you want to get him back, City, first get clear on whether or not you really do.
You say you really like him, but do you also like the part of him that doesn’t text you when he’s away? Do you also like the part of him that says you’re complaining when you confront him on something that’s important enough to you for you to say something about it?
Because these are all a part of him.
They reveal more of who he is. And if you really like him, then you have to accept this part of him, too, without trying to change him. Trying to change someone, trying to make someone into the potential that we see, or bring back the connection we felt we had, is our agenda, not his.
We have to get very clear about our motives first, City, because they always show through.
If you still decide you do want him back – even these parts of him, then start by owning where you are. Communicate with him in a non-confrontational way using “I” statements letting him know that you’d like to pick up where you left off.
Tell him you didn’t want to push him away, but don’t say too much. Less is always more when you’re communicating with a man. Enough to say your piece and be true to yourself, but not so much that you lose him somewhere in all the words being said.
Own what you want. Own who you are. Don’t try to be someone or something else that you’re not.
Give him some space after. Don’t try to predict his response or overthink what he does or says or – most importantly – what he doesn’t do or say.
He needs to know the real you. He needs to see the real you.
Obviously, something was triggered in him when you confronted him and he felt defensive enough to have to throw the “comlaining” comment back on you. That’s often what men do when we confront them. They pull away or deflect what they feel back on you.
Not because you’re bad, not because you shouldn’t have said anything, not because of anything to do with you, but because of who he is, of who he feels so strongly that he’s supposed to be. Men aren’t wired for communication like we are.
And when we call them on this, it’s their natural response to pull away. Or deflect.
We have to understand them first if we want to live with them. We have to understand the difference between the fantasies we’ve been programmed to believe about love and the reality of what love really is. And then we have to be willing to accept the reality that’s right there in front of us no matter how much we don’t want to.
You can’t change him, City. You can’t make him or anyone else like you. But you don’t really want to.
You only want the ones who really want you back. Not the ones you have to convince to come back in the first place.
I hope this helps.
What do you think? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend City? Please share them with us in the comments!