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You are here: Home / Archives for believe in love

Is Your Past Getting in the Way of Your Future?

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We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from.  A beautiful woman is looking out from behind a chain link fence, symbolic of her own beliefs that are keeping her from having the relationship she wants.
"Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

I received an email the other day that really got to me. It was from a reader who felt that her past behavior with men had precluded her from having a future with a good man. My heart went out to her. It brought back to me all those times I, too, questioned my own worthiness of a different kind of love with a different kind of man, because of my past less than perfect decisions.

Because it doesn't matter where we've been, what we've been through, on some level so many of us have experienced that feeling, that question in our minds of whether where we've been, where we've come from, has somehow excluded us from having our own happily ever after with a man of character. And the longer it takes, the more we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again, finding ourselves with the same type of men, just a different name, but the same MO, we question it even more. Is this our punishment? Were we that bad? Have we done something that unforgivable?

It says more about our culture than it says about you.

We live in a culture that is all too much about punishment than grace, about blame than compassion, about shame than empathy and understanding. From a young age we learn that bad behavior deserves to be punished, that it doesn't matter why we do something, it’s the outward behavior that counts. And so with a culture that is so unforgiving and judgmental toward each other, it's not surprising that we treat ourselves this same way and expect that others will judge us this way, too.

And that’s the problem.

It isn't our past behaviors that keep us living this way, with this kind of self-punishing attitude toward ourselves. It isn't where we've been and what we've done in our lives that we’re not proud of that keep us stuck in our patterns. It's the way we feel about ourselves. It's this baggage we're carrying around. It’s this kind of judgmental, punitive thinking that keeps us stuck and repeating the same patterns over and over again because we've learned our cultural mantras so well, we have no doubt that we don’t deserve anything better than this.

You did the best with what you knew at the time.

Whatever you did, however you behaved, it was where you were at the time. It was the best you knew how to do. When we are desperate, when there is a need so deep within us that we feel like we would rather die than be alone or left one more time, it isn't just about being alone. It is about a need that runs so deep and so subconscious that it defies all logic and reality. That’s the whole point. It isn’t something that you logically made a decision to do. It seemed to take on a life of its own. You didn’t know any better. These aren’t excuses; they are what your reality was at the time. The triggers that weren’t about an adult woman making a healthy logical decision, but were more of the scared little girl inside making a decision through that filter, based on the needs of a little girl.

We are so hard on ourselves!

We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from. We don’t understand that it’s not about exchanging blame for ourselves with blame for the people who raised us or blame for our culture. It's time to stop being so hard on yourself. It’s about getting away from blaming and shaming all together and replacing those negative ingrained practices that serve no one, and certainly not ourselves, with love and compassion and empathy for each and every one of us for being exactly who we are, not what we were supposed to be! It’s about realizing that we don’t want anyone in our lives who would judge us and punish us and hold us to impossible standards based on the reality of who we are and our own very individual stories that no one ever has any right to judge us for, and certainly not if they’ve never walked in our shoes. And it’s about finally getting that a quality man, someone who is truly worthy of us, has figured this out, too. He won’t be expecting perfection. He won’t be judging us like we expect. Someone who is truly right for you will only have love and understanding, and empathy and compassion for you.

You still have so much to offer.

Nothing has changed. No matter what you’ve been through or where you’ve been. The truest purest kind of love is still your birthright. You still have so much to offer. Those thoughts that would tell you differently, that would have you believe this is your punishment, to never have the love of a good man because of something you did that was just so bad, are wrong. They are part of that false belief system so many of us hold and have such a hard time shaking off of us, that we aren't good enough, that we don't deserve better because of something in our past, something so bad that we did that we must pay for over and over again. But these are lies, all of them. Yes, they run deep. But a true love for yourself runs even deeper. And that’s the kind of love that knows without a doubt the real truth; that there is nothing you can ever do that would mean you don't still deserve all that is good and wonderful and beautiful in life and love.

You just need to believe it, too.

I Can't Make You Love Me

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Beautiful-woman-snow-contemplative
The memory of it all still comes back to me.

You know exactly what I'm talking about here.

Because you've been down this path far too many times before. Of course you thought you could make someone love you. Haven't we all been there?

You, too believed, in spite of what everyone told you, that you could actually change his heart.

And no matter how much you knew deep in your heart you that it shouldn't be like this, you kept trying. Because you believed in miracles and you believed in love and you believed in the power of love to make the impossible possible.

Because that's what makes you so uniquely you.

Your beautiful ability to dream.

And hope. And try even harder. And believe.

And refuse to give up. And that's also why you feel so deep, why you fall so hard, and why your heart can be broken so easily.Continue Reading

Don't Fall in Love With His Potential

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Don't fall in love with his potential. A beautiful woman sits in the grass and looks out across the valley at a beautiful sunset."I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." ~Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I love this quote – it just so succinctly summarizes the story of our relationships for so many of us; how we inadvertently set ourselves up for such heartbreak by falling in love with the potential of a man and a relationship with him, instead of looking at what is right now.

It is such a beautiful quality we possess; this optimistic, positive outlook that we apply to the men and relationships in our lives. We meet someone and see not just the person he is in front of us today, but we see so much of what he can be, so much of his emotional capacity that is not there yet, but could be if only he were loved by someone like us.Continue Reading

This Really Is The Best Kind Of Love

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The Best Kind of Love - fun and romantic love notes on the mirror.You probably could have guessed this about me, but I absolutely love love stories.  I just found this one recently, and it’s definitely going in the inspiration box.

I'm not sure exactly why, but this one really had the tears welling up.  It may be since I’ll be celebrating 10 years of marriage this year, so I can really relate to what the author is saying, but I can also still so vividly remember the early days of bluer skies and sunnier sunshine.  I still cherish the memories of those days, with all of the excitement, anticipation, and sparks.

It’s true that as we move down the path of life with our partner, the love does change.  It no longer includes the butterflies in the stomach before I see him, nor does it include the excitement of the long, sensual kiss in the doorway.

No, the butterflies have long since been replaced with the sweet anticipation of picking him up at the airport after a trip, after missing him for so long (even though it's usually only a couple of days). And the long sensual kiss in the doorway has now been replaced with “oh good, the kids are finally asleep…”Continue Reading

To Love is to Risk

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Street sign saying the words risk ahead.
There's always the risk of getting hurt.

Some email correspondence I had with a reader last week got me to thinking about how life is really all about taking risks. And how anything worth having usually requires risking something of ourselves.

Like love.

Especially when we’re talking about love in the truest sense of the word.

Because when we put ourselves out there and share part of ourselves with another person, whether it’s in the emotional or physical sense, there’s always the risk that our feelings will not be reciprocated; that someone else may take advantage of our good will, our purest intentions, our selfless love.

And there’s always the risk that we will be hurt in the process.Continue Reading

Something from The Inspiration Box

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A beautiful woman is in a field with her arms outstretched and her face to the sky, feeling inspired by love.
I hope this gives you a bit of inspiration today.

Here’s one of my favorite poems that I've found inspiration in many times over the years.

This one I had on a print hanging on my wall when I was in my twenties; it’s now very tattered and worn from taking it down off the wall and hanging it back up each time I moved.

Unfortunately, it’s now too worn, torn and creased to display on the wall, but I keep the print folded in my inspiration box to enjoy on those rare occasions when I have a chance to take the box down from the closet, sit and look through it.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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