being alone

Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

Our dear friend Sara has been dating a man for almost 2 years but she's not getting the kind of commitment from him that she wants. She's wondering if she should keep waiting (on his timeline) or move on.

Her email:

Oh Jane where do I start?

I met a lovely guy after my divorce and felt instant hope, an instant spark. I have two children who mean the world to me, and he had a child a similar age too, I thought things would be so easy...we could do thing together with the children and make life so much fun, but I found myself chasing him.

He would always text good morning and text throughout the day if we weren't together, I felt so special in the beginning, but he had separated from his wife a few months before and he said he wanted to take things slow, I didn't go to his house for months he always came to me, he had his child most weekends, so the once a month he didn't have the child at the weekend he would see us.

My children see their dad every other weekend, so eventually I started staying on a sat night when I didn't have my children, so we were seeing each other 2 weekends a month, that wasn't enough for me, but his child came first he made that clear, I said but couldn't we all be together?

Its been almost 2 years and he is reluctant to spent weekends together, I have had to push all the way, he has only just allowed me to spend the Friday and sat night when he has his child and I don't have mine!

When I told him I wanted commitment, this is what I had been looking for, I was looking for a future husband or at least living together he fobs me off as desperate and nothing is good enough for you, he finally said we would live together in 2 years time.

I am now forced to move out of my home and it is on the market and he still won't offer to let us move in with him or for us to buy a place together, he sees us as totally different, I said perhaps my house move has happened for a reason and he just says his thoughts and timescales haven't changed.

He said he couldn't see himself getting married for at least another 5 years. Is this to keep me hanging on or does he mean it? will we live together in 2 years as he says? I said I will rent then and he was like oh no don't do that on my account - which made me suspicious!

We went on holiday last year with the children and it was him and his child me and mine, like we were totally separate and his child can do no wrong. But I do love him get on well with his child, he says he loves me but takes things slow, he doesn't really make an effort with my children.

He hasn't got time for them so it seems.

He goes on holiday with his family and doesn't include us because his parents pay for everything, we can both have days off with the children and he thinks nothing of him being at his house and me being at mine when I think we should be together in my opinion.

Him and his child will do things like go to the pantomime and not invite us, I feel hurt by this, rejected. My children haven't met his family, even after almost 2 years. Last Christmas he planned Christmas day without me because he had his child, when I bought up the subject he said that he couldn't accommodate us as he had his family coming around for the day, those were his words, so I tried to end it, but he talked me around.

I am scared to be alone, I really thought he was the one but now I am realising perhaps he isn't. We saw a friend only at the weekend and he sent me back to the car quickly so his friend didn't see me, his excuse was he hadn't seen his friend since before his divorce and didn't know if he knew what had happened but he hadn't asked about his step child so he must know.

When pushed he said he was ashamed because she had left him and it doesn't usually happen that way. I felt so rejected and confused.

What do I do? Do I move on or wait to see what 2 years brings?

- Sara

My response:

Dear Sara,

There is nothing quite like the pain of unrequited love. When you want so much for things to be different, for this man who you so wanted to believe was the “one” but who now you’re realizing isn't, to be the one. I hear your heart aching for there to be more; you want to believe there’s still some hope of him seeing what you can see, if only he could see it for himself.

But Sara, one of the hardest lessons for us to learn in this life, is that pushing or pulling or any other actions we engage in to try to make someone do something other than what they choose to do for themselves, is futile. His words and his actions tell you where he stands, and it’s not in the same place that you stand.

Of course he doesn't want to end it, because you make it so easy for him to be with you. He has it so good with you, why would he not try to talk you around? He can live his life on his own terms, and still have a woman like you whenever it works well for him without having to make a commitment.

He has no reason to change when he has it this good.

Everything that you are choosing, everything that you are putting up with, everything that you are settling for in order to be with him, can be understood so clearly in the phrase that stood out in your words here: “I am scared to be alone”.

Wherever there is fear, you find yourself doing things you would never otherwise do. Fear leads us to see things that aren't there, to stay in places we don’t belong, to be with people we would never otherwise consider being with.

We lose ourselves when we let fear control our lives.

Don’t let that spark tell you a different story than the one that actually is. Don’t let your dream of what it could be if only he would come around and commit dictate how you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t let the begrudged promise of a 2 year timeline give you reason to put any more of your life on hold living by someone else’s terms when you have your own.

Only you know what being with him – what waiting for him – is worth to you. But two more years of your time and energy and your beautiful you spent on waiting for someone to get to the point where they can give you what you want is a long time to wait for anyone.

It may seem easier, but is it really?

Or could you take a step into that fear? Could you expose it for what it really is – the unknown? Could you give yourself a little taste of it and see if it might just mean your freedom? To live your own life on your own terms without looking to someone else to make you happy?

It may seem scary to you right now from where you stand, but I've never known anything scarier than being with someone who wasn't on the same page as me, as my life was wasting away right in front of me.

It’s always a choice, Sara. There are pros and cons to every decision we make.

But you can never ever be wrong when you choose you, when you choose to do what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Someone who’s truly right for you will always clearly show you with a consistency in their words and their actions that they actually want to be with you.

He’s shown you that he’s going to do what’s best for him.

Now it’s your turn to do what’s best for you.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Should Sara wait it out, or move on? Tell us in the comments!

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

30 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

Why Do You Stay?

14 Comments

But I love him.

But I’m lonely.

But I’m getting older.

But he supports me financially.

But I’m divorced with young children.

But he takes care of me.

I hear each and every one of your reasons, my beautiful friend. And while I wish, oh how I wish with all of my heart, that I could somehow make everything all better for you, the reality is that we are all on our own journey and our own path.

You know what your priorities are.

You know what certain things are worth to you. And you know what you are willing to give up in order to get what you’re receiving in return. It's your decision.

And no one else has the right to judge you because they are not you.

And so, as much as I personally believe that once we step out of our comfort zones and step out into the unknown we find more than we could ever have asked for, you have to believe that too.

It takes courage and trust and a belief that defies all logic to go into that unknown, especially when we live in such a practical world.

So what I do say is this: find the unconventional means to getting those real needs of yours met without needing to get it from someone who gives you so little else.

If it’s love you need, find people to love who most need that beautiful love you give so freely while expecting so little in return. Look around at all the hurting people in our world and give that love to those who need it most, and you will find that the love will come back to you tenfold.

If you’re lonely, make some friends, re-connect with family, or become part of a community that fills you up so you no longer define lonely as being without a man. Look into co-housing or find a roommate situation with someone looking for someone just like you!

If you need some help with parenting your children, look into sharing housing with someone who is also in a similar situation and looking for something like this, too. In our culture we are all holed up in our individual houses far away from the villages and communities of the past, and yet we miss out on so much when we live so far away like we do. See what creative ways you can come up with to recreate the idea of a village so that the daily difficulties of raising your sweet children doesn't rest solely on your weary shoulders.

If you hear your biological clock ticking, stop settling for these men who aren't looking to commit to you and have children anytime soon. Weed those out right away by focusing solely on the real qualities you’re looking for in a husband and most importantly, a father to your children. Narrow it down to one or two of those most important qualities and don’t consider anyone who doesn't have them. There are plenty of men out there who also want to have children sooner rather than later, too.

If it’s financial security you’re looking for, look for ways to lower your living expenses. Take on a roommate, look into co-housing, move in with family or friends, move to a cheaper city or state, grow more of your own food, see what you can trade for some of your expenses. See if taking some training to get a better job might also be an option.

I know all too well how nice it is to have someone take care of us. But I also know the very high price we pay for that. When we need someone to take care of us outside of ourselves, we give so much of our own power away to them. We become indebted to them and the relationship shifts and becomes unbalanced so that we lose so much of ourselves. Ask yourself if you really need someone to take care of you, or if you might be able to take care of yourself just as well, and without the strings that come attached when we outsource our care to someone else.

My point, my wonderful friend, is that whatever your reason is for being with someone who doesn't see you the way you really are, who isn't able to give you what you’re truly looking for, sometimes there is more to that story of why we stay with someone like this if we look closer at what we really need. Try to uncover the real need that he's filling.

If you can fill those needs through other creative out-of-the-box ways, you will find your cup full enough that you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve anymore.

Or ever again.

The Simple Way to Stop Feeling Rejected

48 Comments

Of all the emails I've received recently from my readers, one of the most overwhelming underlying themes centers around feeling rejected. It seems that so many of you are either in the process of feeling rejected by someone by his lack of responsiveness to you, or you are having a really hard time getting over someone because you feel rejected by him. Many of you are wondering how there could be any hope left for you since you feel you keep getting rejected regardless of who you are, what you do, or who you find yourself involved with.

A majority of you find yourselves wondering where to go from here, because you're afraid of feeling rejected again if you put yourself out there and give someone a chance. And yet the alternative, being alone, isn't any better because you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone, you’re just not sure how to go about it.

And for many of you, there is a downward spiral effect so that the more you put yourself out there, and the more you find yourself feeling rejected, the worse you feel about yourself and the more you question whether you will ever find the love you’re looking for or if there’s just too much wrong with you to attract any man who will really love you for your true self.

It's enough to crush the self-esteem of even the most confident woman.

I want you to rewind this entire recording that’s been playing on in your head for far too long. I want you to go back to the very first time you felt what you have been calling rejection from a guy. Remember as many details as you can about it, about the whole relationship regardless of how long it was, and I want you to answer the following questions as honestly as you can.

What was he like?
How did you feel when you were with him?
What were your expectations?
What were his expectations?
What were your terms?
What were his terms?
Could you both communicate honestly about your feelings?
How did he treat you?
How compatible were you really?
What was he looking for?
What were you looking for?

There’s a reason we’re starting with the first time you experienced feeling rejected. Because it set the stage for what you called rejection. So that the next time you experienced a similar lack of compatibility and it ended, you took it as a rejection again. A rejection of your beautiful you, your true self, and all that you are and had to offer someone who you thought was worth your you.

From here it wasn't much of a stretch to wonder what was wrong with you, and depending on how many times you experienced this, it’s no wonder you began to question yourself enough to wonder if there really is something wrong with you and if you’re destined to always be alone.

This is where the truth comes in. Not any more of the lies you've been buying into about this rejection you've been making into your reality. I know it plays into the emotional story where we’re not good enough for someone, we’re not beautiful enough or intelligent enough or sexy enough, or popular enough or whatever part of enough we want to call it. But this calls for a reality check of what rejection is and isn't.

You haven’t been rejected.

The truth is, you just were not compatible. If you look closely at your answers to the questions above, you'll realize that you were two different people who wanted two different things, who were not on the same page.

How do I know? Because if this wasn't the case, you wouldn't be feeling rejected because you'd still be together.

Over the story you wrote about that first time you were feeling rejected, write that out in a big bold color. You weren't rejected. Go through each of the experiences you've been calling rejection and do this same exercise for each one.

None of this has been what you thought it was!

This is what really happened. No matter what it felt like emotionally to you, he wasn’t rejecting you. He saw what you couldn’t see while you were trapped in that beautiful, emotional world you live in where love conquers all and covers a multitude of differences. Also known as the fairy tale.

The truth is, love doesn't always conquer all.

It takes the practical reality of two people who not only love each other, but who also want the same thing as the other and are both willing and ready to do what it takes to make that happen.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

There is no rejection.

Just differences. Incompatibility. Different pages.

Someone finally had to set you both free so you could get on with your lives and not waste any more time with something that couldn't work - no matter how much you wanted it to.

This story you've bought into, this rejection theme, the one that’s chipped away at your self-esteem, your self-confidence with each and every new occurrence with someone who simply wasn't right for you; it’s time to put it to rest. And write a new ending. The one that begins and ends with a beautiful person otherwise known as you who deserves someone who’s on the same page, who wants the same kind of commitment you want, who’s ready and willing to do what it takes to make it work with someone who wants this all, too!

Don’t call it rejection. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let its judgment rest on you for even a second! Feel yourself released from its hold. Release yourself with this knowledge. No more feeling rejected.

Who are you without this weight? Who are you without this story?

You’ve never been rejected. You’ve only been with someone who wasn’t right for you!

The Critical First Step to Finding True Love - Know Yourself

2 Comments

Who am I?

When I look back at some of my toughest single days – the days when I really questioned whether I was ever going to get it right in the relationship department, I realize that so much of the heartbreak and fear of abandonment that I felt stemmed from not really knowing who I was.

Oh, I thought I did.

But I didn’t understand that in order to connect with another person in a real relationship, you have to first connect with yourself, to understand who you really are, what makes you tick, what you’re all about, and all things related. Not just who you’ve been brought up to be.

Not who your parents told you you were by the things they said and the way they treated you. Not who your friends and past boyfriends tell you you are by the ways they treat you. Not who your coworkers and bosses tell you you are by the way they interact with you and judge you.Continue Reading

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day

6 Comments

It’s the day I remember all too well. As the entourage of flower and hearts and candy deliveries made their way into the office, the most I could usually hope for was my own Valentine’s bouquet sent from my well-meaning Mom (thanks Mom!)

Or it was a beautiful show of flowers from someone I was with that knew how to do all the surface things, but anything deeper than that was a whole different story.

But what I came to realize over the years, was that typically all of the fanfare hid the fact that there was very little depth behind these outward shows of affection. That the show of roses was about an expectation that’s come to be associated with this holiday, but doesn't necessarily show the real love of a real heart of a real man.Continue Reading

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Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

Her email:

My response:

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

Why Do You Stay?

The Simple Way to Stop Feeling Rejected

You haven’t been rejected.

There is no rejection.

The Critical First Step to Finding True Love - Know Yourself

Who am I?

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day

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