My fear of rejection is crippling me!

Does the fear of rejection keep you from seeing what might be out there for you?

You're not alone.

Listen in as we hear from Ashley who shares her story and hear what I have to say to her that I'd tell you too!

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

My name is Ashley and I'm so happy I stumbled on your website. Thank you for doing what you do.

I'm learning my way through life and romantic relationships, and I think I could really use your advice. Particularly when it comes to fear of rejection.

I'm 27 years old and am navigating the dating world for the first time. I have had two serious boyfriends in my life, but both just happened naturally while I wasn't looking for a mate. Both times, I fell hard and fast for men who were ultimately very controlling and possessive.

The last one ended very painfully for me.

About a year ago, the relationship I was in came to a very painful end. I just got this gut feeling that something was wrong and when I asked him, he admitted he had gotten engaged to someone else.

I was devastated.

I lost nearly 30 pounds because I could barely eat. I became very depressed and thought often of suicide. It's a miracle I kept my job because I could barely focus. I felt horrible and scared. I cried all the time for about six weeks. Do you know that term "Dark night of the soul?" Well, it felt like that.

Thankfully, I got through it and I'm in a place in my life where I'm really happy with who I am.

Some of the experiences I've had in the past few months (like a trip to Thailand, new friendships etc.) wouldn't have happened if I had been with my ex because he never would have allowed it. I'm so so grateful that I'm free to be me now.

I never want to give that up.

But I also really want to share my life with someone again. I was out in the park recently, and it was so beautiful! I felt happy and the only reason for it was the weather was nice. It was just so serene!

But I missed having a hand to hold and someone to snuggle with or have a picnic in the park with. I miss that so much.

I miss having connection.

So, without much thought, I created a dating profile online and instantly got several responses. One man — his name is Nick — responded and we emailed each other for about a week straight.

He's educated, enjoys hiking and photography (like me), and seems like a kind person. We met for coffee this morning and talked for about two hours. He was easy to talk to. As we were leaving, he said, "Hey give me a call if you feel up for a hike or drinks later."

He then sent me a text telling me the name of a restaurant he had been telling me about earlier. I sent him a simple, but friendly response saying that I would love to try that place sometime. And I haven't heard anything since.

I know intellectually that this is perfectly fine and I just met this guy and I shouldn't be so worried. But I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. I really don't want to have my heart broken again. I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed in something not working out.

What if he doesn't contact me again? What if he does, then what? Should I contact him or does that make me seem needy? What if he gets close to me and then decides he doesn't like me so much anymore? Then what?

I'm just plain scared.

And I don't want to be this way. I want to be that graceful, confident woman who knows she's worthy of true love and connection. I don't want to obsess over the "what ifs" with one particular guy. I want to enjoy dating and I want to be able to let go of any attachments to outcomes.

But my stomach is in knots!

Can you help? How do I deal with these intense fears that are coming up?

Thank you again Jane.

Sincerely,

-Ashley

My Response:

Hi Ashley,

Oh how you've come to the right place! 🙂

Rejection is something I know more than a thing or two about, and I'm going to give you a whole different perspective on it. There are always two ways of looking at a situation when someone chooses someone else over us or decides we're not what they're looking for and doesn't contact us again.

The first is through our programmed lens that has been reinforced in so many different ways for most of our lives. It tells us that there must be something wrong with us, that if he didn't choose us, then it's because we weren't enough, or we were too much.

Either way, we get the message that we aren't good enough.

If it happens more than once, this view of ourselves doubles, then triples, and on from there, until we question whether we will ever be good enough for anyone! Then any subtle hint that someone might not be interested in us or is pulling away from us can trigger the worst insecurity in ourselves as we can come to expect the proof that we're so afraid of.

But it's just not true!

The truth looks so different from this lie we've come to believe about ourselves that there's something somehow wrong with us if someone doesn't want to be with us and then if it's reinforced by others who feel the same way.

But underlying this belief is the fact that we've rejected ourselves. We've sentenced ourselves to this belief, we've bought into it, we've allowed it to be our way of seeing. And the good news about that is that we can change this since it's all in our own minds, in our belief systems that are ours to change.

The truth, Ashley, is that whenever someone lets you go, chooses to be with someone else, distances himself from you because he isn't comfortable coming right out and communicating directly with you, it's because of who they are and what page they're on - where they're at in their own lives - and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Nothing!

Just like you don't like everyone, and you don't choose to be with everyone because of your own individual preferences, so it is with everyone. The only way to look at this so-called "rejection", is through eyes of the truth that this isn't someone you want to be with because they're not on the same page as you, they can't give you what you're looking for, and you would never be happy in the long term being with someone like this!

That's the only truth there is!

It's only our programming, our conditioned responses that have us seeing these "rejections" the way we do.

And it's no wonder this is always our first reaction when the media, our culture, our family, our friends have all bought into this too and only reinforce it further. Subtly or not so subtly, this shared view is all around us except by those few who've either discovered the truth for themselves, or were fortunate enough to have role models who modeled this for them.

It's a gift, Ashley.

Each and every one of the times you weren't "chosen" by someone, your true self knew - and still knows - that you can never be happy being chosen by someone who you're not choosing from this place of knowing yourself, being true to what you actually desire for your life.

I know it's so hard to see this now, but whether someone - including this new guy - contacts you or not, the question isn't does he like you, does he find you attractive and interesting enough to see you again. The question is do you even know him well enough to know if he's worthy of you, does he have enough of the qualities you're looking for to make him worth the time and effort and energy of seeing him again?!

You're the one doing the choosing. And it takes time to get to know someone well enough to know whether you even want him contacting you!

Date more than one person. Date three is always my recommendation. You're less likely to put all your eggs in one basket when you date like this, and as you're getting to know each of your dates better, you're letting them know that they need to prove themselves worthy of you before you're willing to make anyone exclusive.

If you're the woman who knows her own worth, who understands that rejection is only in one's own mind, and that the only answer to someone who isn't on the same page as her is "next", then how do you respond to him?

If he reaches out again, you see if it works for you to go out again with him. You don't contact him - unless you're returning his call.

But you don't sit around waiting for him. You're out dating, making new friendships, pursuing your own interests - smelling the flowers at the park.

It's in those places of doing things that you enjoy that you'll find the ones who are on the same page as you, and it will be easy and natural. And with this current guy, regardless of what you do or don't do, someone who wants to get to know you better will always find a way to make that happen.

And still the question will be, do you want to get to know him better?

It's all you!

Hope this helps, Ashley.

Love,

Jane

How about you, Gorgeous - do you have any other thoughts, words of advice or encouragement for beautiful Ashley? Tell her below in the comments!