Our letter today comes from Becca, who's in a long distance relationship with a guy who's got a "too busy" schedule for her even as he's telling her he wants to settle down. She's not buying it and wants to know if she should stay or go.
Here's her story and my response:
Hi Jane,
I'm dating a film director who informed me from the jump that his schedule can be hectic and sometimes he may not be able to reply etc. He also told me his career comes before anything and anyone!
He's organizing his film premiere and I haven't heard from him in 4 days.
In general, I always get a hold of him or hear from him. We're in a long distance relationship, he's coming to see me in a couple of weeks and I just don't know if I can handle him choosing his career over me.
He says he wants to settle down, etc., but you can't find true love if you're selfish to the needs of your partner. I have previously addressed my feelings to him about the lack of communication when he gets busy with work.
I'm being supportive, we don't need to talk daily but 4+ days without communication is ridiculous.
Should I stay or go?
-Becca
My response:
He doesn't really want to settle down, Becca.
He likes the IDEA of settling down with someone, but he's making it clear to you that his career comes first and this isn't going to change based on anything you do differently.
You've answered your own question here.
No, you can't handle him choosing his career over you if you're already feeling resentful about his choice of the career over communication with you. This is evident by you (rightly) calling 4+ days without communication from him what it really is - ridiculous.
I've experienced a lot of men like this, both personally and professionally, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there's no way he doesn't have time to check in with you in those 4 days. And certainly not if you're any kind of a priority to him, without even putting you at a higher priority than his career! It's just saying you're something of a priority.
Sure, you're understanding; but this is a bridge much too far!
If you could live your life focusing on your own career, your own interests, your own friends and other pursuits so that you don't notice just how long he goes in between communicating with you, then you have a chance to make this work.
But if that's not you - and it doesn't sound like it is (nor should you feel it ever should be) - then be honest with yourself and go now, before you get any more attached and invested in someone who's only going to continue to disappoint you even more than he already has.
You gain nothing by pretending you're anyone other than exactly who you are, so if you know you can't handle this, if you know this isn't the type of relationship you can picture yourself in regardless of who the guy might be that you're in that relationship with, then don't go any further into something that's only going to be harder to get out of.
The most heartbroken women I've coached are the ones who pretended they could stay in the relationship they were in because they wanted to be able to, even though they knew in their heart of hearts that they couldn't.
Don't do that to yourself!
Either accept him exactly as he's telling and showing himself to be, and don't expect anything more from him - getting all your other needs for connection elsewhere, or recognize that this isn't the relationship you signed up for and honor that part of yourself with a simple yet clear, "I need more than you can offer me. I'm sad to have to let you go, but I know myself well enough to know I won't be able to accept a relationship like this."
My heart goes out to you, Becca. This isn't ever easy, but if you can't live with the way things are now, time isn't going to make you more able to.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you? What do you think beautiful Becca should do in this situation? Tell her below in the comments!
IM BEGINNING TO REALLY NOT LIKE OR LOVE HIM I ALSO CAME TO A CONCLUSION IT WASNT THAT I THOUGHT I OVED HIM SO MUCH IT WAS ONMY PART THE FELLING OF BEING REJECTED THAT SAME REJECTION DREW ME CLOSER,CLOSER ,IVE NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT THIS SOUNDS BAD BUT I ALWAYS,ALWAYS GOT MY MAN,IT WAS EASY,THAN HE COMES ALONG AND PUT UP A WRESTLE IT WAS MORE OF A CHALLENGE FOR ME..... THAN I REALISED RECENTLY THAT I AM OK AND I DONTNEED HIM AND THAN I FELT A RELIEF CUZ HE IS VERY,VERY MEAN.MEAN,A BIT RUDE ALSO AND ITS ALL ABOUT HIM AN NO ONE ELSE OH WAIT AS LONG AS YOU GOT STUFF TO OFFER HE IS IN,SO IM HAPPY TO BE AWAY FROM HIM
IT HURTS BIENG HURT DOESNT IT,THATS AINT NOTHING CLOSE TO THE HURT U DONE TO ME ESPECIALY WHEN I GOT CHANCE TO READ WHAT AND HOW UUUUUU REALLY FEEL,MNOW UR FREE PLZ STOP TRASHING ME YO OTHERDS
I agree with the comments here! I honestly would not give him the time of day. I have been down that road one too many times, and it took me a long time to realize that I was worth someone's time. In short - I accepted all the parts of a relationship that was...well, short-lived and NEVER thought about the long run. It's ironic because all I ever wanted was an emotional connection, and my actions never followed suit. I was confused and thought I could get real Love with being someone I truly wasn't. And for a long time I played that card hoping someone would notice me. I can't even begin to tell you how very wrong I was. I continuously repeated the same behavior thinking I could find love. I was ignorant to say the least...thinking I could try all different methods to get the guy when all I had to do was be true to me first. And of course I knew in my heart and soul that something was off...I always knew. I just chose to ignore it because I was desperate. I would fall over the moon for someone, because they paid attention to me, only to be let down. I was a young girl in my way of thinking for years. It was like I was stuck at 16 years old. After spending years in and out of relationships, and getting married and divorced, did I learn I did not need someone. I realized that more than a decade after being divorced. it took me a long time to come out of that fantasy world. I went through years of training myself to take care of me first. Not in a selfish way of course, because I still had family to look after and jobs and all, but I had to teach myself that I was worthy of True Love, and all the glorious parts of a relationship, not just one part. So you see my friend, sometimes it takes a lot of heartache for the right one to come into your life. For some people they find it when they are young, and for others it happens at a ripe age. Trust yourself and trust that Love will come when the time is right. Have Hope...I still do. God Bless.
Same to you, Lora. See how far you've come?! ❤
I had a similar experience with a new guy I was dating. We talked every day for hours. We are both self-employed which allows for some flexibility. Then he disappeared for days & his VM was full while he was out of town for work. When he surfaced, one of his employees had been killed in an accident and he had been busy scrambling to fly out the family, etc.
He made it clear that I’m a priority, but this was clearly a work priority that trumped our plans that week.
It has never happened again. So if it’s a pattern of behavior, then you’ll see the warning signs. If he says he wants to settle down - but his actions don’t match his words... then he’s treating you like another option.
And if it’s such an important event - why didn’t he invite you? He sounds self-absorbed & not willing to make you a priority . He’s already married... to his work!
I just went through this exact scenario. We happen to meet on vacation. He was like an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. We spent hours talking every night. We are both in late 50’s divorced and wanting companionship. We never got physically intimate but we had some deep conversations about life. When the vacation ended we continued to have long phone conversations and text for about a month long distance. He kept saying how happy he was to have found me, was planning all these adventures and wanting me to meet his family. Then 10 days before we planned to meet in person...”crickets”. He just stopped communicating. After a few days I reached out to him. He was rather cold and distant saying how “busy” he was at work. I didn’t reach out to him again. Then he texted me a week later to say he was missing me. I finally had to tell him this is not working for me and say goodbye. It was hard but I have been on this road before and it just gets more painful the longer you stay.
I had a bf who could go 8-10-12 hours without texting or replying to a text.
Finally, I explained to him that it makes me feel like he is not thinking of me. He said he is, and I said but how am I supposed to know that if don’t hear from you? I also mentioned how around hours 8-9, I start to think something happened like accident etc and at 12 hours, actually wonder if should start calling hospitals.
He dislikes texting and focuses very well on one thing at a time at work (all things I appreciate about him).
In the end, I said well how about just a hi or smiley face if cannot reply? Then I do know you thinking of me /all is okay.
He started doing that and even chose to add an X for a kiss on his own. I recognize this as his effort to express things in my language. I also started to notice all that he does do naturally to express love in his language (service).
I would try talking but this situation here sounds off: (1) sounds like a rather negative way to start a “relationship” to say career comes first ; (2) 4 days is bizarre bc he goes to the bathroom, gets some sleep, grabs a coffee, perhaps is in his car at some point or in some other line, all opportunities for a quick text or voicemail, if he prefers; (3) why aren’t you there, invited to help out with the premiere or at least attend it???? He doesn’t sound that attractive. Perhaps start thinking about everything you don’t like about him or that is annoying or embarrassing even.
There is someone out there who wants to communicate with you! Who wants to know about you and your day each day. And wants you to feel happy and loved.
Perhaps start freeing yourself up so you can meet that great guy, who actually really does check all the boxes!
I couldn't of said it better EC 🙂 My boyfriend knows that if he is going to cancel or change plans because his work is crazy, he calls and doesn't text because I take the text wrong.
I'd say talk to this guy and tell him how things make you feel and if he continues to say his career is number one then you have to make the choice of whether you can accept that or not.
I too am in a long distance relationship and it's very difficult. Right now with the election going on and him being a journalist it's hard to even get him to text me. We have had the talk and I was ready to walk away once - and not afraid to do it again. He is trying so I give him that. Men don't perceive relationships like women so it's frustrating when they are content not texting every day- and we need it. Tell him how you feel and if he isn't willing to give you what you want, walk away. You will get his attention then. Best of luck to you 🙂
I agree with Jane.
Also, I have heard from other relationship counsellors that if you want a relationship to be close, you should LIVE CLOSE BY and see each other often. Sounds right to this 79 year old woman. My bf and I are examples.
My brother met his fiance on Match. One of his criteria for deciding about a second date was the distance factor.
I agree and I say that after I met my husband online and he lived in another country at the time. We made it work, with a huge emphasis on WE. It wouldn’t have worked if he hadn’t put in at least an equal half or, actually, more than half, of our total effort into it.
But I think this is a huge point because too often we are afraid to rule out large groups of men. But if we do , then we actually creating more abs bettter choices for ourselves. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it is so true.
So please do decide they must be within 1 hour drive or train distance if you truly love where you live now or adore your job (because someone will have to give up all or both will when it works out, something both my husband and I have had to struggle with even after we each had truly thought back when we first met that we are ready for adventure and change and living in another country).
Or decide they must no longer party or go to clubs (at least on regular basis).
Or that they must share a similar faith.
Or share a love for volunteering; and so on.
And don’t be afraid to refuse to even consider people who fall outside of that.
Once you are forced to look within that group, that group really does start to expand and suddenly there more choice, but, most importantly, Better choices.
I used to think it worked best to play it cool, be flexible, laid-back, and see what happens and definitely not cut myself off from that hot “cool” guy down the street who seemed to go out with the guys a lot and smoked.
But once started REFUSING to look at certain categories of men, I dated much better men (and got married ... to a hot, cool guy but one who is loyal, shares my faith, loves to help others, doesn’t smoke, and who knows the last time he went to a bar or any “social venue” without me).
And three of my friends who did the same, also got married!!
But the friends who still played it cool, laid-back, flexible, and remained opened to anyone (because one never knows and isn’t it wrong/limiting/barrow to even refuse to just e-mail/text/go on one date with someone) are still getting stuck in bad “relationships” that steal their time.