With everything going on in our world right now, I debated whether to answer a letter like usual this week, or send you some comforting words, and I've decided to continue on here as much as normal since many of you are still having the same issues with your relationships even in the midst of a pandemic.
Next week, thanks to one of your suggestions, I'll have some tips on dating in the era of #stayhome and how to not drive yourself crazy being alone!
I hope you're all taking good care of yourselves, staying home as much as you can, and finding support here for all your beautiful hearts and souls that feel everything. I adore each and every one of you for exactly who you are, whether that be scared, anxious, worried or whatever you feel today.
I run the gamut of emotions, too.
If there's something you're going through that you're not finding addressed here, please don't hesitate to reach out or reply to this email. We will get through this the only way we ever do anything well - together.
So that said, our letter this week comes from Michelle, who's sick and tired of men ghosting her. Can you relate? I had a feeling you could.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I am so tired of men walking into my life and then leaving for no reason. I honestly am starting to think something is wrong with me.
I met a guy and for three months we would text every day and twice a week we would spend at least 10 minutes talking on the phone. We would visit each other and when something happened in our lives we would call each other first. Then after three months the texts got less and suddenly nothing.
Two more guys, exact same thing except in a shorter time span and only texts.
And then, about 2 months ago, I met a guy. He messaged me first by getting my number from someone else. Every day we texted, and he came by regularly offering to help me with various things.
We even jogged together twice a week.
We had dinner and he said he really enjoys my company and then the texts got less and literally two days later I saw on Facebook that he is in love with another girl.
So please tell me if I'm doing something wrong, because I am really tired of this.
Thank you,
Michelle
My Response:
First of all, Michelle, read my post about what happens universally around the 3/4 month mark and you’ll see why this happens.
No, there’s nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with the men you’re allowing in your life and there’s usually some early red flags that reveal something of the behavior to come long before we actually see it.
It’s so important to look at context here.
With the right men, i.e. men we’re actually compatible with, they’re capable of having more of a relationship than just a few great months in the beginning where everything’s good. So I want to assure you that NONE of these were guys who things would have been so different with if you have simply done something different.
This is a favorite lie we like to tell ourselves; that if only we had been stronger, or more aloof, or more confident, or more distant ourselves (insert your own favorite thing here), things would have been entirely different.
The reality is, that’s just not true, because with someone who’s actually on the same page as you, who you’re actually compatible with in all the ways that matter over time, you can do everything you did with these guys and it actually works out favorably because they were looking for the same thing you were – and with you!
Without knowing more of the specifics about you and these men, it's hard to say exactly why you're finding each other. That's a relational dynamic that's significant in and of itself, so if you really want to get to the bottom of this, there's some history here in your own belief systems around love and relationships that are worth looking into.
What do you believe about love?
How are relationships supposed to look?
What role is the guy in the relationship supposed to play and what role are you supposed to play as the women?
Does this matter?
We all bring ourselves to our relationships and our expectations of what those relationships are supposed to look like makes all the difference here. It sounds like you both have different ideas around what you're both looking for and when there's a disconnect there in the ideology, it's only a matter of time before those same relationships end.
For a lot of men, if they sense you're more into them than they're into you, or if they sense that you're looking for something more from them than they're looking for from you, it's going to be a whole lot easier on them to simply leave or ghost you without an explanation.
And if they're not invested and they can justify to themselves that it's early enough for them to do so, this is why they do it.
Bottom line, Michelle, it's not that you're doing something wrong. It's about understanding the dynamics around your own beliefs about love and relationships and learning how to recognize the disconnects between the two of you early on. That's what will save you the pain and disappointment of finding this out later instead of sooner when it's easier to handle.
And one last thing, don't think twice about him being with some new girl on Facebook. It won't be anything more than yours was.
These men are stuck in the fantasy that it's all about finding the perfect woman and all their problems around relationships will magically go away.
IF they can just find her.
The truth is, she just doesn't exist in real life. It doesn't work that way. But they're hell-bent on proving it does (and absolving themselves of any responsibility in the process) and that's why they go from one woman to another that each last that same 3 to 4 months.
The way to stop this?
Take your time to really get to know someone before you give away any part of yourself - emotionally or physically - to someone who hasn't shown you he can make it past this time frame. If it's going to be the relationship of a lifetime, you'll find out in the middle, not all in the beginning!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Do you have anything to add to the conversation? What do you think Michelle needs to do? Tell her in the comments below.
I feel you. It happened to me as well. Somehow I'm starting to doubt myself. We started so good and when he opens up regarding sex, I told him I'm not comfortable talking about it yet. Then all of the sudden I don't hear anything from him anymore. And I'm like "what the hell happened?" geezz
Wow great read and great to know I’m not alone. This is all new to me, I’d never been ghosted and this just happened with someone that asked me to be his GF. We had a little disagreement and I haven’t heard from him. I texted 2 weeks later to see how he was doing during this pndemic and I’m still shocked he didn’t reply. Part of me wants to leave it as is and the other part wants to tell it how it is, like why do we let them get away with this? Shouldn’t they get schooled?
Yes, Mafe, and that's exactly why I'm here. Teaching us to raise the bar so there isn't a single women left who will positively reinforce these types of behaviors in men by saying and doing nothing except putting up with more! Don't be shocked; be proactive. Do the work on yourself you need to do to get past the programming that says this is just the way it is. It isn't. But until we change this by valuing ourselves enough to find our worth somewhere other than in a man's approval and validation of us, we're making it exactly the way it is!
Hello, this question had been asked a million times, sorry. What's the deal with sex, 2 dates, 5 dates, one month? Met someone on line, had a super casual first date. Second date he's being very aggressive, kept talking about kissing. K ept asking "when are we having sex, why do you get to decide when, why don't I get to decide when we can"
Etc. He threw a fit, left the room, watched TV downstairs
If you make a list of all the guys you've talked to, youd likely discover many similarities between all of them as well as your actions/responses with them. It's not your fault, you just may be attracting the same type of guy bc your not noticing the patterns or if there is perhaps something you're doing that us allowing them to get closer to you then disrupt your peace by acting like total jerks. Dont give up, there are still good men out there, just be more selective of the ones you allow in your personal space, even if its jogging or dinner.
Michelle, this has happened to me ever since moved to Idaho. About four guys that we seemed to have things in common with. One knocked himself out showing where "we" would snowmobile in winter,and spent $300 at a ski swap to gear up again to ski with me! Went out to eat a few times. He cooked for my family gather during holidays. Last time saw him I took him on boat cruise to see the bald eagles that flock here in winter. He took me to eat after. Dropped me off (never kissed after a few mths). That was it! I tried texting him never responded. Happened with a few others. So I'm off all dating sites now and it's back to my "rock" friend known for 8 years now and another man who lives around here that I'm ABSOLUTELY CRAZY for but ghosted me a few times in as many years. BUT COMES BACK and now wants me to be his "mentor." He needs help figuring how to be comfortable (in his 50s?!) from a bad marriage. I swear those screw up more men! I like him so much I'm willing to help in any way I can. But now with the Covid 19 who knows when I will ever see him again! I can text him at anytime and he responds but he doesn't make the effort yet comes and dances with me. Yes, he needs help. I also think maybe you need to say "no" once in a while so they don't think you are ALWAYS available? I've thought of doing that, too,but it's SO HARD when don't get to see the one often so WANT to be available! It's SO HARD and SO CONFUSING! I know you get more discouraged with each one. I'm frankly burnt out. I like some things about each of the only two that will ever be in my life now. Time will tell!!! GOOD LUCK! Lisa
I love what you said about, "If its a relationship of a lifetime, you will know in the middle, not in the beginning."
Hi Michelle, we are on the same page that made me end up with the mind of (all man are the same). But from Jane's reply I now see where I was doing wrong--giving them trust and all of me from the start was wrong : Thanks Jane.
Anytime, Ncengani. You know I'm always in your corner cheering you on!
Exactly what happened to me, last year around August but in December of last year he found me again and yes I agreed to have a drink with him and there its once more dating again, till now, he decided that he's not ready for a relationship and wanted more alone time. I knew he was on fb messenger all the time, and asked him to be honest and if course gave this "I'm not going anywhere and I'm not seeing or talking to anyone else " yes well of course I didn't believe him one bit. Well I took matters myself to find out the truth, I know it wasn't right to do what I did, but I found out the truth once and for all. Well I ended up making a fake profile, as a blonde woman I saw he was very interested in, we meet her at a dance club we had gone to listen and dance to this band, and she walked his face lite up like you wouldn't believe. So it being said I made this profile and requested him, on messenger, and he excepted, asking if we knew each other, well of course I said I believe so, I think we've meet at a dance I went about 2wks ago, I messaged him. He said, we did? Where? So I told him, and his reply was oh yes, you were the blonde lady, I said I am. I told him you were with a beautiful woman that night, I really enjoyed watching you'll dance, actually I thought you'll look great together, the way you both looked at each was so beautifully in love with one another. He's response was, "no she's not my girlfriend or partner, she's just a friend. I said a friend, sure looked like you'll we dating, he said oh no, I'm am very single. In matter of fact, I was going to ask you to dance, he said. Ask me to dance, why, you were with your so called friend, that would had not looked right. He mentioned, no it would had been ok, like I said we are just friends. This is how I caught him lying to me. So the next day, I meet up with him at his house, I had my 2nd cell phone I have, that he had no idea I had. So i walked in and he tried hugging and give me a kiss, told me I'm glad your here, I missed you. I said Hmmm really!! He gave me this look, and asked baby is everything alright you seem upset. I said no I'm not upset, but I do need to have a talk with you. At that moment he knew something was wrong, so he sat down, and grabbed my hand, and said baby you can tell me anything you know I'm here for you. I said your are huh, well we'll see about that. So I began the conversation, and again asked him are you sure there's no one else, baby is this what it's about, he laughed, I told you baby I'm not going anywhere or talking, seeing anyone else, I don't even have time to spend with you. I said ok, so brace yourself, I told him, he have this puzzled look, so I continued to tell him what I had done. He really had no clue where I was going with this, until I mentioned the fake name I used, at that moment he didn't know what to do or say. I said hi I'm Deborah from messenger we chatted yesterday, do you remember. He couldn't get one word out, never have I seen him so nervous so I continued to tell him, so this is your alone time, accepting other women and claiming your so single, and I was nothing but a friend, well from here on out, you have all the alone time you need, he didn't know what to do or say. So I told him, that I was done and I got up to leave and he kept telling baby let's work this out, I don't want to loose you. I told him baby you lost me a long time ago, when I knew you were lying to me. So it doesn't matter to me anymore, I'm leaving with my dignity, and going to start living again as I deserve. So from here on out enjoy all your alone and single time. Goodbye baby, as I left, all these texts started coming in, when he had stopped texting me before, so I've been giving him his own medication, ignoring him. It's been 2 days since this happened. I have well over 100 texts, without any answer to any of them. Sometimes us women are forced to go to the extreme to find out the truth. I'm feeling great about it, I turned his own game on him. So yes you can move on to live in peace without doubt now. So good luck in life don't ever let a man, string you alone in his games. Good luck
Linda😉😁🤗
What we all discover in the end, Linda. We can't pretend we can live by someone else's standards; we can only live with - and be true to our own!
Michelle - re: ghosting. I had someone do that to me recently and I just sent a text calling him on it - "WTF are you seriously ghosting me?! I sure hope not but if you are that is so disrespectful, hurtful and rude. It is not an adult thing to do, I thought we had an agreement on honesty" etc. Well he did answer me. Told me where he was at - which was not what I wanted to hear but I felt good saying what I had to say and calling him on it. We still text but I am much more emotionally detached than I used to be because I now know that this won't go anywhere.
Knowledge is power, Diana. So good to speak your truth!
Jane, thank you for covering this topic. Where can I find your post about what happens around the 3-4 month mark? And how does one keep from getting too invested during that time period?
Eve
Here it is, Eve. And keep living your life during that time. Treat him as only one small part, and don't get ahead of yourself engaging in fantasies about the two of you and the future when the reality is you can't possibly know him well enough to imagine any of that yet!
I have a similar situation. Men seem to find me attractive. I have alot of offers for dates and even relationships. But I have been ghosted (burned) so many times Ive lost count. I just heard from this article- put into words, what I've known for awhile now. Today's man has a fantasy woman in his head. His idea of the perfect mate. And thanks to the internet they also have many more options. So its a combination of the times and the convenience of technology. I am smart. Independent. Motivated and a great cook. I love the outdoors and consider myself adventurous. But out of literally dozens of men I've dated, the ones who want me are taken, deeply flawed (like practicing addicts) or emotionally unavailable. Just when I think someone has potential-they ghost with no explanation- usually because they think they've found someone even better. In the past, a man and woman met, dated a few times, fell in love and got married and stayed married, for life. It didnt seem so complicated. I've stopped looking. The next man I have will be crazy about me, will pursue me and wont give up until he has me. I'm taking this time to improve, por work on myself, to pursue my hobbies and create the kind of life I want. Hopefully the right one will come along while I'm 'not' looking, lol. My advice is dont be discouraged. Maybe this time is for us. Hang in there!
Love how you're discovering what matters here, Jill. It's in the creating of our own lives - and not the laser focus on what some guy is or isn't doing - that you're going to find exactly what you're looking for. You go, girl!
Oh I really so appreciate the Email & the information ... I’ve been sad a few times when I thought it seemed to be worth pursuing as he and I had a lot in common ... I’ve had the SAME things happen so it’s NOT her ( you) ... I happen to believe you CANNOT do the WRONG thing with the RIGHT guy ... BELIEVE it !!! I’m living in the SAME boat at 48 years old , never married !!! I have friends who don’t try anymore but I am NOT giving up ... I cant wait to meet my future love ..I will ... I’ve loved and lost BUT I think it’s a tough world and the struggle is so VERY REAL ... I’m finding myself sad about the world we live in as Men are OFTEN NOT who they NEED to be ... I feel that is so because men are not stepping up ... Yet I TRULY believe there are STILL good men ... I BELIEVE it with EVERY fiber in my being !!! You ’re a Prize to Be Won by Wendy Griffith is an excellent book ... I’m a Christian and She is as well ... I pray God leads us all to our loves... The fact STILL remains - You are meant to be treated well by a man that cherishes you - DO NOT settle !!! 😄
So glad you found it helpful, Kristin. If we don't believe we're worth more, we'll never find ourselves having more. So glad it resonated with you!
Hi Jane, within six months this has happened to me and I keep asking myself that what is wrong....Do I have a problem or is it spiritual...Now I do understand what you have said.....thanks for this update....it has really saved me from this truama
So glad, Lilian. Trauma is exactly the word for what we go through when we lose ourselves too early, before someone's had a chance to show us who he actually is!