What if you don't let go?
What if you don't get over it?
What if you don't get over him?
You say you have to, that THEY say you have to, that it's in your best interest.
But what about you?
You know why so many women and men find me after they've been through all the advice and heard all the shoulds of what they're supposed to do, only to find it's not working for them?
Because the quick fix, get over him, block him, let go, move on type of advice only works if you're actually there yourself.
Otherwise, you're left with one big gaping hole in your heart, because all you’ve done is follow the instruction of someone who was never you, who's never known what it's like to be your own heart and soul.
Sure you can pretend, and go through the motions; but what does it do to you in the process? What about the message it sends to you?
So don’t let go. Don’t move on. Don't force yourself to do something you can't yet see your way clear to do. No, I'm not talking about physical abuse where you’re not safe with the person we’re talking about here. I'm talking about the rest.
I've heard from two women this week alone who’ve finally reached their breaking point.
They’re done. They’re ready now.
You know what they were most thankful for? Being patiently allowed to get here on their own.
We walked through their relationships together at their pace. And because they were allowed to go at their pace without being judged or shamed or pressured to do something they weren’t yet ready to do, they did it themselves.
They saw it when they were ready to!
They took action because they were allowed to have it come from them and not because of the fear of being shamed or judged for wanting what they wanted and having a higher tolerance than what anyone else thought they SHOULD have when it comes to these types of men.
Don’t hang your head and avert your eyes because you feel there’s something wrong with you because you can't do what the so-called rest of us can do.
We can't either! Or at least not well.
If we do, we're harder, we're less in touch or we're just not you. But you know what my years of doing this both personally and professionally have taught me? That what we do to ourselves when we beat ourselves up for what we SHOULD be doing proves to be far worse that what we're doing instead.
That not being able to let go or just be happy or move on means nothing if we haven't come to this in our own way and in our own time.
But what if we never come to it? That’s another fear you have. So then you never come to it.
Then you stay right where you are, then you live that life and nothing changes.
Sure, that might sound awful. But is it worse than beating yourself up because you can’t be what you're supposed to be? Worse than accepting whre you are and trusting that when you can see with clarity, you'll do something different then?
Worse than trusting yourself that you might actually have a line somewhere that's when it's crossed, you'll know without a doubt, you can do that thing you couldn't do then, now?
Own where you are, Beautiful. Accept where you are. Observing and accepting. Not judging and berating.
There’s a place for softness and understanding and it’s more than a coincidence that what you're doing to yourself is exactly what's been done to you. It's the message in allowing you to be right where you are that makes far more progress in this area than anything else you have to pretend to do!
You've learned this, Beautiful. You can unlearn this, too.
Love,
Jane
Are you here with me today? Tell me what resonates with you or how I can help you in the comments below. You share my heart, Beautiful!
All of this resonates and you help me by helping me try to get him back
Glad it helps, Lashuna. You're never alone in what you're going through, sweet soul.
I’m allowing myself to recover from a broken heart. He worked so hard to break down my walls (little did I know he was playing me).
I didn’t know that I was to meet him when I did.
I can meet someone else and will...
just like I met him.
Exactly, Just Me. All it takes is one!
I feel what many of you feel. He was right there with me for almost a year. I basically lived with him. Ate meals with him. Slept in his bed. We did day trips. We went away for my birthday. No arguing. Laughing and joking and our own inside jokes. It was all there. Then one morning he got all strange. He was angry at himself. I still do not know what happened. He said he needed time. Then he changed his phone number and shut me out.
There were no red flags. No pulling away. We talked about everything. It was not just sex. We played cards. We went to the beach. It was special. I can't just forget. I have never experienced a relationship like this before in my 53 yrs. I miss him. I don't understand. I feel like my heart will never be the same. I remember everything. It was this time last year it all started. I was looking forward to the holidays. Now, all I feel is heartache, disappointment and sadness.
So heartbreaking, Robin. My heart goes out to yours. How helpless you must feel as this began with his feeling angry with himself. This isn't about you. Don't take his feelings on your own beautiful heart. He knows he could have walked through this with you. He chose to do this his way all by himself.
I can't get over him I need him back what do I do???
Well this is me- no matter what I do, I can't let go. He is there all the time- I hear his voice, see his face and smile. I've been seeing someone else for a couple of months but only because "it's what I'm supposed to do". Not sure how I'll ever be able to let go, but thank you for the reminder that I need to do it in my own time. I often beat myself up over this and why I'm spending so much energy on someone who just isn't there and won't be.
In your own time is exactly right, Julia, and whatever you do in that time is yours to own and no one's right to should on you!
I read the letter about not letting go and felt you wrote it to me personally. Im having a hard time. We had a rocky relationship to say the least. 10 years. Finally i thought what recently happened involving a close girlfriend of mine would end it. And it did. But i still cant let go and be content. But I do want to compliment you for having so much insight. Thank you for reaching out to those who are hurting.
Our hurt connects us all, Tjo, so glad you felt that come through. That insight comes from far too much personal and professional experience with these men who leave us like this, but it inspires me in everthing I share here with all of you! Remember they're two different things. Yes, one's enough to get you out, but it's an entirely different road that leads us to where we stop caring enough to finally let go. My heart goes out to you, too.
This was so beautifully written and needed today!
You articulated on paper what has been going through my mind and trying to tell people for months. Thank you.
So glad this resonated with you, Stacey. Not everyone understands so glad I could help. Thank you for stopping by to let me know!
My friend say, he is a player, what ever that is?? This is not about sex, I have this connection to his soul..never experienced this before..and do not know to handle it..doing nothing
The question isn't whether WE have a connection to his soul, Tina. It's whether HE has a connection to ours. That's how you'll know!
Thank you. I only want him! I keep hoping he'll call or text and he hasn't
It's okay to hope and it's okay to only want him, Cindy. We're human here with the most beautiful giving, caring, loving, hard-to -let-go-of hearts of our kind! ❤