I Really Don’t Want to Let Go

Ever met someone you liked so much right away? And the more you got to know him, the more you liked him, the more compatible you thought you were until that's all you could see? Our letter this week is from beautiful Cindy who's going through this now, and a whole lot more.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I’m going through a very heartbreaking, difficult time now.

I have been dating this guy for 5 months. We had a lot in common and we really got along together. We spent every weekend together since our first date. He’s the one I’ve been looking for, and I like everything about him. The more I know about him, the more I like him.

I even seen him as a potential partner.

At some point, my gut feeling told me he met someone new. He’s on dating apps many times a day, and I know sooner or later he’s gonna find someone new to replace me.

I noticed he’s different from WhatsApp messages, his message pattern changes and we lost our intimacy as well. Although we slept on the same bed, he didn’t even touch me. We only had a few hugs and goodbye kiss. I knew he’s keeping distance from me.

On the other hand, he didn’t completely ignore me.

We spent each other’s birthdays together. He has been caring and did some small little things to make me happy. More importantly, he let me come over to his place every weekend. So I told myself I’m still his priority because I had all his weekends.

Deep in my heart, I knew we are different than before. So two weeks ago, I asked him “How do you see things are going between us.”

He didn’t answer. Not even a word.

The following weekend I came to his place as usual. Then I saw a gift which he lied and said he bought it. It turned out it was a love gift from a girl.

I confronted him.

He didn’t answer any of my questions. He only said things like “I like you. Just...”, “I don’t want to hurt you”, “I care about you.” I asked him “If you have someone on your mind, why would you see me every weekend?” He replied “Because I enjoy spending time with you.”

What logic is that? When I asked “So you choose her over me?” He said “I don’t have thoughts about it yet.”

Isn’t that ridiculous? The other girl gave him a love gift! How could he not even think about it?

We haven’t talked since then. I have been crying everyday because it hurts so bad. At the same time, he’s always active on WhatsApp chatting with the other girl. He’s the one who told me he prefers dating one person at a time. How could he do something like that to hurt me?

What should I do? I really like him and I have never met someone so compatible with me. I really don’t want to let go. But it seems like he has moved on.......Please help me!

My Response:

Dear Cindy,

Oh how my heart goes out to you. I'm hearing your heartbreak, your pain, your unspoken questioning of what could have possibly happened to bring it to this. And yet, even as difficult as this time is for you, I want to bring you over to the practical side of all of this, to the facts, the reality of what's happening here beyond what you feel, beginning with the question of why it is we like someone.

Why do we like someone like this? Why do we like someone who we can say this about: "On the other hand, he didn't completely ignore me."  How is that ever acceptable behavior from someone we call a friend or even an acquaintance, let alone someone we can potentially see as a partner?

How low does our bar have to be set?

How low do our standards have to be for us to be willing to accept someone who "doesn't completely ignore me." How is that acceptable? How do go from having our lists full of all these wonderful qualities we're looking for in a partner, to where we'll say, "he doesn't completely ignore me."

I'm having a really hard time getting over that part of your email, Cindy, because that's so telling about what you're willing to accept from someone you really like and really want to be with, someone who you can even imagine being serious enough with to call him your partner.

That's why it stands out for me.

Because what it says is "I'm not worth more, I don't deserve better." And the problem is, when this is what you'll accept, this is what you get.

Men like this show up for a reason.

Because they sense within us a green light instead of a red flag.

Sure, they'll try with any woman. But it's the green light we give them when we don't push back on their behavior, or when we question it and accept the answer they give - as if any answer to behavior like this could ever be acceptable!

And then the standard we've set of how we deserve to be treated is established and the pattern that leads to letters like yours has begun.

Yes, Cindy, someone who's on dating apps many times a day eventually meets someone.

Why? Because there's a reason they're on there many times a day. It's to meet someone!

This is a guy who's choosing to engage in behavior like this. This is a guy who isn't on the same page as you, who isn't looking for the same thing as you are, no matter how much you like him, no matter how much you can say he's the one you've been looking for.

You say he "lets" you come to his place. He lets you. Cindy, my heart breaks for what you're accepting as normal, understandable, acceptable behavior from a guy, from anyone. That he "lets you" come over on weekends as if it's a privilege for you to be with someone who actually lets you come over.

In an equal relationship when you're both on the same page, that person wants you to come over, they invite you over, they look forward to it. There isn't even an ounce of a feeling that someone is "letting" you come over. It's mutual.

You're both looking forward to seeing each other so that's what you do. You see each other, whether it's somewhere out, or later on when you've gotten to know him better in a more intimate setting like his house or yours.

If someone's close enough - or feels she's close enough - to him to give him a gift, let alone some kind of "love gift", that's a deal breaker, Cindy. For you!

This isn't about him choosing her. It's about you choosing you.

Choosing your self-respect. Choosing your dignity. Choosing to look at the facts instead of these feelings that aren't actually as much about how you feel about him as they are about you feeling comfortable and attracted to someone who you have to prove yourself worthy to.

That's not love, that's a dysfunctional pattern we learn early on when our basic needs to be loved unconditionally aren't met by our primary caregivers.

I know you say you don't want to have to let go, but while you're crying over him, he's back on the dating apps, he's chatting on Whatsapp with another woman. Can you see what's wrong with this picture?

You're all in. He's not. Not anywhere even close.

You're not here to make someone love you, or to prove yourself worthy in the hopes that finally some elusive, unavailable guy who represents someone else in your memory is going to finally give you a different ending to your own heartbreaking story.

He's not compatible with you. He's showing you this with his actions, regardless of what it feels like to you. And it's actions and behavior that tell the real story of who he is. The reality, not just the fantasy we play out in our minds when we're always hoping for the story of what could be.

What would it take for you to let him go if all the information you have in front of you isn't still enough?

Ask yourself that.

Start a list of all the things you're crying about. I want you to show yourself all the reasons this is someone who can't give you what you have every right in the world to ask for - but only from someone actually capable of giving that kind of love to you.

Sit with this.

If you can't make a decision right now, sit with everything I've said here a little longer until something starts to shine through the crack that's your gut instinct that knew early on something wasn't sitting right. Go back to that. Let the cracks release more of the light you need to see this guy for who he is - and to see who you are.

A beautiful woman with an open heart, looking for love from someone who isn't the one to give that kind of love you're capable of giving to him.

You can do this, Cindy. He's already let go. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Hold your head up high. He wasn't the first and he won't be the last. There's someone else for you who you'll never have to say "he lets me" about anything or "at least he doesn't ignore me". He'll be so much better than this!

Love,

Jane

How about you? Do you have anything to say to Cindy? Share your advice or thoughts for her in the comments below.