Our letter this week comes from our beautiful reader, Kristina, who's found herself in a relationship with a guy who's checking off all kinds of boxes for her, but not the one's she's used to.
She's wondering where to go from here and I'm hoping my advice, along with your experience or thoughts on this ever-returning subject of "the Spark" will give her the clarity she's looking for.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
I have never done anything like this. I really hope to receive a response, or to at least receive some notification if you make a blog post. Regardless, if you are reading this, thank you for your time.
I have just read your post about the elusive spark and how you say that it is not something that matters because it goes away anyway. It was so incredibly helpful.
Additionally, reading all the comments and seeing how many women struggle with the same thing, made me feel much better too.
I have this pretty great guy that I am dating that is really everything I wanted. When we first started dating I instantly had doubts that he was not the one for me, because I did not feel a spark. He felt too boring.
However, as time went on I could not stop talking to him because we had such a great connection and I felt so understood by him and we had great conversations. Also, I was afraid of losing the network of friends that we had together too.
So then, I talked to my friends and they told me that not being with him because he is not "the one" is silly because he is not asking me to be my husband and how can I possibly know now that he is not the one.
I then decided to give it a shot and we were very happy, briefly.
Once the initial period of honeymoon, around 3 months for us, has ended, I started to get back to those fears. Once I had the first doubt appear in my mind about how I don't know if I really love him, because the way I love him is quite different from the way I have ever loved men before - once that doubt entered my mind it has not left it for very long.
I constantly catch myself worrying if I am settling.
I am terrified.
I do love him, but I don't see him as this amazing man. He doesn't make me think of him as perfect, as I did of other guys I was with (even though they were not perfect). I understand that no one is perfect and do not want a perfect man.
But how do I know if I am settling down?
The fact that I don't feel some crazy attraction to him makes me feel like I shouldn't be with him. Our sex life is a little tricky, sometimes it is really amazing when we are working on it - but there are things are not quite great sometimes.
And so, that plays a role in this.
But it is not the whole story that worries me here, because I know that we can have great sex when we are learning and trying. I just don't feel the butterflies that much, it is just kind of calm with us. Which is wonderful in many ways, but I want to feel some kind of crazy attraction.
How do I know if I am not making a mistake by being with him if I will probably never feel that with him?
Thank you
-Kristina
My response:
I hope I caught you in time, Kristina. This is exactly the question I'm here to address with you!
Ohhh that spark, that excitement, that thrill of being with someone who just seems to know your body, who you don't have to even think about whether you want him or not - because of course you do!
That's not love, Kristina. That's an incredible connection that has everything to do with the fantasies we've been so programmed with combined with the tension and anxiety of our own insecurities as we discover we're with a guy who can only deliver on the idea of perfection and fantasies, never the real thing.
Of course these kinds turned out to be so far from perfect even as we thought of them as perfect in our own minds; the illusion was that they knew just how to give enough to tap into our fantasy and see them as perfect, even as they were so insecure deep down that the facade was the only thing they had that was real!
I've been there, Kristina. So have most of the women on here.
These men are the most difficult to get out of our minds, let along break free of physically and emotionally. As soon as they're gone, we only remember the good things. As soon as they're back, we can't get enough of them and will do anything in our power to get it back the way it was.
Until we start to recognize that they're nothing more than a hollow shell, offering nothing more than the bare minimum to keep us under their spell.
Sound about right?
And then here comes a new guy, a different kind of guy and what do we do, we compare him to the likes of these kind of men and there is no comparison. Nothing can compare to a fantasy if a fantasy is what we've decided we're settling for.
See, the worst kind of settling isn't the kind we do when we look at our list and see that there's a few things missing and wonder if we could get closer with someone else.
No, the worst kind is when we settle for someone who gives us nothing more than a fantasy, who isn't capable of being real enough - or vulnerable enough - to ever come close enough to laying the foundation for a real relationship that's about more than just being able to feed his ego by proving to himself he's still got it.
These types of men know what to say, they know what to do, and if they didn't, they learned from someone how to do it. It's never been about winning you over; it's always about making themselves feel good!
You can't compare the two, Kristina. It doesn't work that way. One is an illusion, an idea, a fantasy because you can never catch him for very long, you can never tie him down much less get him to commit to you.
And more importantly, you actually wouldn't want to.
The type of ego that makes up this kind of man doesn't have room for you, isn't capable of having actual real lasting feelings for you over the long-term, and no matter how much you want to believe he'd be perfect if he could, he wouldn't be. He's only perfect as much as your imagination allows him to be!
That's not real.
So I hear you that there's some things lacking in this new guy, mainly that you're wrestling with yourself.
I agree with your friends. He's not asking you to marry him right now. He's obviously content to go at your pace within your own comfort level.
I don't know if he's a match for you. I don't know if you're settling by choosing him. These are all questions you're going to have to answer for yourself. But what I do know is that comparing real to a fantasy isn't going to give you an accurate comparison.
That comparing a guy who lives in permanent unattached mode with a guy who's capable of actually making a commitment to you is like comparing apples to oranges, and is so far from the same thing.
Take your time getting to know this guy. Three months is long enough to know if he's a player - three to four months is about as long as that kind of guy can sustain any kind of illusion of being on the same page as you - but it's not long enough to decide whether you love him for the person he is or whether that love is enough to become something more.
Don't rush yourself. Don't give into the pressure you're feeling to have an answer on him. If he's pressuring you, ask him if he's willing to go slow with you because you need more time. If he isn't, he'll have answered your question himself because you'll have to decide sooner rather than later if it means you risk losing him.
Most of all, remember the long game here. Unless you're in this for the short-term one, unless scintillating sex to the exclusion of everything else means everything to you, you owe it to yourself to find out if there might be something here with you and him if you can get these other men - and your memories of them - out of your head long enough to actually see him.
Picture yourself 10, 20, 30 years down the road. Trust me, the butterflies we experience only with men like this will be long gone by then. When you're with someone real, i.e. stable, predictable, dependable, they'll be replaced by a deeper kind of feeling, of security and stability and safety and yes, still some romance in there, too. Can you see yourself with a guy like him?
Can you teach each other enough about your bodies, your minds, your souls to make a connection between you that may come to rival what you've had with these other men simply because it's lasting - and real?
What matters most? What qualities do you absolutely need in someone and what will you refuse to settle for?
You say you love him, and I'm curious why? Is it just a friendship kind of love? Or a mix of friendship with some attraction thrown in? If so, I'm sure you've heard the advice about marrying your best friend who you're attracted to.
What we're attracted to says more about our own insecurities and are feelings about what we can't have or what we can't imagine we might get. It says more about our fantasies than what's real.
You're looking for "he's definitely cute" more than he's eligible for "sexiest man of the year".
Knowing yourself is everything here, Kristina, and if you don't know yourself well enough to know, work on that part first.
Of all the women I work with and have heard from over the years, I can tell you one thing for sure and that is the keepers, the ones they choose in the end for their own happily ever after, are always much closer to this kind of guy you're asking about than the one who only materializes once in awhile when it suits him, and mostly only in our dreams. I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have some advice or words of support for Kristina? Let her know in the comments below.
I had came across this post when I googled if healthy relationships can seem boring. Reading all of these stories, reading Jane’s response, makes me feel like I am in a group full of sisters. We all have similar experiences with that one guy (or many) that just can’t settle down. The one that comes in and out, the one that tells us what we want to hear, and the next they are back to the old pattern, and we are back to crying our eyes out with a bottle of wine. I’ve been doing this for majority of my adult life, and I finally met somebody who just seems to check off a lot of boxes. It’s taken some time to really feel like “am in to this guy?”. I felt really overwhelmed when he continued to offer to bring me coffee to work, or bring me lunch, or seem overly concerned when I wasn’t having a good day, even though we just met. At first, I found a bit clingy and overbearing, it seemed a bit much. I suppose because I’ve settled for so much less than I’ve wanted and deserved, when somebody shows up for me, it seems overwhelming. Have you, we are only two months in. It is still very early on and the mask still could fall. But I think I’ve surprised myself on how much more I’m starting to like him the more I let him in.Kepp in mind, this guy is totally the furthest thing from my type! I’m talking like I’m a Latina, who is always been into the urban type, I listen to hip-hop and R&B. This guy is as white as they come, totally into punk music, has blink-182 tattooed on his arm, normal 9 to 5 job, has a dog, doesn’t go out lol. I think five years ago I wouldn’t even give this guy a second look. But now That I’ve been through the ringer, which includes continuing to attract emotionally unavailable men who can’t give me what I’m looking for, I am really looking for stability and commitment. However, I don’t want to settle, Even if this guy has all of the traits I’m looking for, I definitely will be giving myself a timeline of how long I will give it before I call it quits if my feelings don’t develop for him. But I can totally relate to the people finding a guy that checks off all the boxes and still not being totally sure about it. I’d say the happy medium is to give somebody at least six months, even if you make it to a year and you’re still not feeling like this is the guy, or something is missing, the best thing to do for both of you is to call it quits. It wouldn’t be fair to yourself or that person to feel like you aren’t totally into them, and you might spend the rest of your relationship wanting or craving something else. Trust yourself and your healing. Be very self-aware of your own triggers and patterns. Maybe what’s comfortable and familiar isn’t good for you, and maybe you’ll develop a peace that comes with the “calmness” A person can bring to your life. Maybe in 6 months I’ll come back and give a report on how things went! Good luck sisters! You aren’t alone!
I'm not sure if this even gets looked at anymore. I am finding myself in a relationship with a man 2 months now that is everything I have always talked about. Calls me beautiful great in bed, I am attracted to him but then when he talks I can't stand it.
I thought I would get over it, but I don't laugh at his corny jokes. I don't ever miss him. I cant wait to be by myself. I use to spend hours on the phone with him and now I can barely stand to see his name pop up on my phone. I have been crying because I feel horrible that I don't feel I love him like I thought I did.
We are way to much alike. He's from Seattle and I'm just a kentucky girl. To me he is really girly and his slang ,but could just be more urban and normal for guys to be like that? I don't know. I been on my own for the first time for almost a year before we met online. I honestly rushed into the relationship because everything was being met sexually and what i always dreamed of he was before really getting to know him. He is super kind and going to be great for the right person. I just don't think it's me. Should I he doing something or trying to look atvit differently? Or should I try to stop convincing myself that I do love him I just can't see it?
Stop trying to convince yourself of ANYTHING, Lauren, and give it a little longer to see what happens if you just do the things you like to do with him without having any expectations on what your relationship with him is supposed to look like. I'd be curious to know more about why you don't think it's you. How would you look at it/him differently that would change anything about how you're seeing him now? I've seen this get better and also worse - really depends on the people involved and what kind of programming they're bringing with them. What would you tell your friend if she was in your shoes?
Dear Kristina, we all heard the expression that says love can move mountains. A marriage without love will not work. It needs a lot of love to be able to pass by all the flaws of our partner. Because of love we forgive because of love we keep going because of love we keep investing in the relationship. Friendship is very precious but when we feel that the person with who we are in a couple is a friend this is not working.
I was going out with a man for about three years he was mr. Wonderful. Whith time I realized that he was nothing that he said. Everything was make-believe with him. He never engaged himself with me because he had already had a woman in his life. Never admit that he had one. When I had the opportunity to spend time with him me and him alone moments were wonderful. People used to see the two of us that we were so alike that we were almost like brothers and sisters.I almost didn't have to say something or finish the sentence that he would already understand what I meant. He had this wonderful personality such a brillant men. I knew in every inch of my body got my feelings for him or nothing but love and a lot of admiration.but of course the relationship didn't go anywhere this man was already engaged to another woman and then once I found out I had to let go. During those years there was another man who was around me a friend of the family. That man had nothing that Pierre had. His personality is very ordinary a little boring too. But he was a very good friend with a big heart, a very good man. He knows how to support encourage and help. I don't think there's one thing he is not willing to do for me. My son who is a teenage loves this man. And he is very good to my son. Everywhere I go he comes with me. And I know how much he loves me. what about me. I don't feel even an ounce of attraction for this men. No butterflies at all. At 53 years old I know what love feels like and this is not love at all. It's friendship. But yes he is there for me and he already asked me in marriage. I couldn't say yes. I can,t see myself having a sex life with this man for the rest of my life. how can I have a sex if I don't feel any butterflies and I'm not attracted. He doesn't look bad at all actually looks even better than Pierre was. He's got a nice body. He's making projects for us and he says I think that once you're going to be ready you will say yes to the marriage. No I'm not stupid I know that things will never work with Pierre. I had to let go and move on. I understand what Jane means that there's two kinds of relationships and one has nothing to do with reality. But I've been married 20 years before and so I know how much love we need to make a marriage work. Yes we need the butterflies. I personally think it's a mix of both not just a relationship made out of things that are unreal. it needs the real thing too, a man who is capable of engaging himself and putting effort and time to make it work. These are the exterior signs of a good relationship. But what we feel inside is also very important.we have to keep in mind that the man with whom we will engage for the rest of our lives will be the one with who we will have a sex life for the rest of our lives we better be attracted to this man or it just won't work. So this is all up to you Kristina do you really feel love for this man or it's a question of friendship. For myself I think both men are equally not suitable for me. One it's all about make believe and he would have never engaged towards me. this relationship was going no where. The other he's a friend he's not a lover. I'm letting the weeks and the months pass and now the whole year. I keep thinking that maybe with time my feelings will come. time is passing by and I don't feel anything like love for him. I appreciate him as a friend though.I will finish this comment by telling you something Kristina do you see yourself for the rest of your life with this person do you think you would be happy?
Hope you find the good balance.
Sonia
Hi and you for sharing. Oh the chemistry guy! The one that we are all so mesmerized over until he disappears for the 1 millionth time only to show up and act like nothing happened. You will never have a life built on that it is not sustainable . The guy you are seeing now has 99 percent of the qualities that make a great partner. The sex part is important but not as important as having someone that shows up for you . Girl give it sometime please give him a chance. We are all here because of the other guy 🙄
IME the instant "hot" attraction (and I have had this several times, including with my abusive ex husband) is often an indicator that this person has qualities that feel like home to you...and may be more a reflection of your wounds than a sign from the universe that this person is right for you. That is...if your primary experience of love was less than nourishing, you will define that unhealthy pattern as love and find it over and over until you have suffered enough to learn to look for something that is actually better for you. Or, if you prefer, another way to view this is that the relationships that are so magnetic you MUST engage with that person are usually lessons...but that "spark" is pretty much a guarantee that pain is forthcoming. So if you want to be happy, I agree with Jane. Slow down, take your time. When the brain is spinning to "do" something its usually moving too fast...when its actually time to make a decision, what is right for you will be clear to you.
I am in a similar situation. I have always gone for guys that are unavailable or challenging, but I met a guy a few months back that has all the qualities I am looking for but I haven’t had that ‘when you just know’ feeling that some of my friends had even they got married, or that feeling I’ve had when I’ve thought it was love. He thinks the world of me but also thinks I don’t really care that much about him, as I’m quite closed off. I wonder the same as you, whether to keep an open mind or whether it’s not meant to be. I’ll look forward to everyone’s advise