This week, beautiful Pauli writes to us about her new relationship that's moving along (at least physically) very quickly.
Here's her story:
Good Morning Jane!
I have watched your free video series, and it has helped lessen my relationship anxiety quite a bit already!!
I was very tempted to accept your half price offer on the next series however, I am in a fairly new relationship, and I am having trouble with how relevant the information may be to my current situation.
Having been married and divorced/separated twice, with both husbands stepping out of the marriage and into affairs, I have wondered on and off if it was something I was doing, but I have realized now, with your help, that these men were not the right ones for me.
So.... my questions so far are in regard to my "new" relationship.
We have been seeing each other for 2 months but he lives a fair distance away, so we have actually only spent 6 days together in person in that 2 months. He does text or call me on the phone every day.
We were brought together by mutual, long time friends who think we would make a great couple. We have a great chemistry, but I wonder if it's too good. I find myself wondering if what we have is mostly sexual in nature on his part.
I know that I feel like I can see us together in the future and want to make plans to see him more often, but I don't want to be needy either. How do I ask him how he feels, and what he wants without sounding like a stage 5 clinger? Do I just relax and see where things go at this point?
I don't know how to handle the beginning stages of a relationship, especially a long distance one.
Please help.
Pauli
My Response:
Dear Pauli,
I’m so glad you’re enjoying my free video series! So much of our behavior in relationships is dictated by the level of confidence we have in ourselves and the extent to which we actually believe WE’RE the ones doing the choosing.
This is such an important distinction to make, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
When you go into any relationship knowing exactly who you are and what you have to offer - and precisely what you’re worth, that comes through so clearly and sets the stage for how the rest of the relationship will go.
This foundational piece is so important, and that’s what I go into specific detail about in my signature program you mention, Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU.
I received a letter over the holidays about a woman who found her way here to the blog looking for a definitive answer to her own heart-wrenching question "How do I get him back?" And instead, she took this program and found that’s exactly what happened – HE was the one who came back to her - begging her to take HIM back.
But by then, she could see clearly who he was, who he wasn’t, and whether he was, in fact, a good fit FOR HER. And that’s my point here.
You have to first be in a position of knowing your own worth, especially in the light of someone you’re attracted to and feel so much sexual chemistry with, BEFORE you can be in the position that you want to be in – the one where you’re truly doing the choosing and not willing to accept someone else’s terms simply because of that incredible chemistry.
Beginnings are full of connections like this.
And when you become intimate because of that chemistry - and because he seems like he’s on the same page as you are - what you’re left with is exactly what you’re feeling now. You’re intimate but you don’t really know where he stands on commitment.
You know his sexual preferences before you know the rest of him.
To suggest you go back in time and redo this part where you really get to know him first, well, that never works, because by the time you’re here, you’re already here and you’ve passed the point of no return.
There is no going back!
But what there is, is slowing things down now. More than anything else, this is about your mindset.
Date him.
Have the mindset that you’re just dating him. He may be dating others. You’re also free to date others! In fact, I recommend you do.
Because if he’s the only one and you’re already feeling the way you are, you’re going to make him into more than he is, more than he deserves to be because he hasn’t yet had the time to show you he’s worthy of you!
It’s so important that you remember that you don’t know this man yet. Not really, not the way you need to know someone before you make up your own mind to commit to him. You want to know (no, you need to know) him better before you allow yourself to put him so high up on that pedestal that you can’t see anyone else other than him.
This mindset is the part we miss. And we all do because everything we’ve ever been told about relationships and getting a guy is that we have to act a certain way or be a certain way or follow a certain set of rules.
But it’s the opposite that’s true. If we do the inner work first of learning why.
Absolutely these men weren’t the right ones for you, Pauli, but knowing why they weren’t the ones, recognizing the dynamic that plays out between you and a guy from the very beginning of a relationship where most of our power is given away, matters more than anything else you do or don’t do.
Why do we put someone on a pedestal?
And why do we choose who we do? Why him? Focus your energy on that instead of looking for a prescribed set of rules to follow.
Two months is not a long time.
Seeing each other in person only six times in those two months is definitely not much, and definitely not enough for you to know who this man is. Texting and talking on the phone every day – and that he’s initiating those texts and calls, is good, but it still falls short in terms of how much you can possibly know about him yet.
He could easily still be calling or texting someone else every day and seeing someone else at least six times in two months.
I’m not saying he is, but my point is that you should assume he is, because that’s the mindset you need to have in order to not go all in with too much of your heart – and body – before you know for sure that this man isn’t going to break your heart because you’ve given him more of your heart than you know is worthy of it yet.
See the difference?
If you’re already all in, he knows it. He’ll sense it. And unless this is clearly a man on your page, looking for exactly who you are, with everything you’re looking for in terms of true compatibility and "same pageness", it’s too easy for him to get comfortable because he already knows he’s got you.
We just can’t possibly know enough about him yet to assume he’s the right guy for you. That takes time, real time. Time spent together – especially when you live some physical distance apart.
Your mutual friends may be right that the two of you would be perfect together. But they’re not you and they’re not him and most of all, they’re not the two of you together so this is something only the two of you can figure out together by walking through it together.
Your concern about not wanting to sound clingy or needy concerns me.
You won’t feel clingy or needy around someone who’s going the same pace as you. If he isn’t making plans to see you more often and you want him to, then go ahead and suggest some places or things you’d love to go see or do and let him take the initiative to makes plans to do those things with you.
You say you want to ask him what he feels and what he wants without coming off as a "Stage 5 clinger", well, that’s concerning to.
What do you feel? What do you want? Is he asking you that?
Without knowing the two of you personally, my guess is he’s not asking you because he either doesn’t want to go there yet because it’s too early for him, or he already knows because you’ve already made it clear that you’re all in and just waiting for him to take you the rest of the way.
That’s not an easy spot to be in because it means he doesn’t have to do a whole lot for you to have access to you whenever it works for him. It sets up a kind of "living by his terms" imbalance of power in the relationship that again adds to my concerns.
Go back to you, Pauli.
The beginning stages become so much easier to navigate when you haven’t lost your power, when you still remember you have your own power, and when you haven’t given so much of yourself away already to someone before you see more of who they really are.
You have every right to ask him any of these questions, but know that he can give you any answer that works for him. If he’s solely looking for a sexual relationship, he’s already got that so you may only get an answer that continues that without any substance to back it up.
Actions are everything. That’s why words don’t really matter. It's also why if you have to ask him, the vast majority of the time, you already have your answer.
If you keep living your own life, focusing on yourself, remembering your own worth and doing those things that make you happy, while keeping your options open (because again, you don’t know that he isn’t doing the same thing) it won’t matter so much what he is or isn’t doing with you.
Time will tell. Actions in that time will always tell.
Pay attention to that. Pay attention to how you feel! Pay attention to what you want! Those things matter every bit as much as what he feels or wants.
Honestly, Pauli, the three to four-month mark is telling, so pay attention to that. If it really is too good to be true, you’ll know sometime around there. Only because he can only keep his real self with you for that long.
With some distance in your locations, it may be longer.
Wait and see, but live and see more than anything else. Relax, because you know that relationships take time, you know that you don’t want to jump into anything before you really know what it is you’re jumping into, and do whatever you need to do to get to know yourself better, so you can understand why it is you need to jump in early instead of allowing a relationship to naturally develop on its own.
I’d love to go into more detail with you here, so if you do decide to do my Beautiful, Confident, Radiant, YOU program, I offer a complimentary coaching session included with the purchase - I would love to meet you!
I hope this helps give you a lot to think about. You’ve been through so much already, Pauli. I don’t want you to go through any more of that kind of heartbreak ever again!
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Pauli should do in her situation? Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!
Hmmmm guys getting sex early on is not good especially when you don't know where you stand. You want someone who is open and honest a clear communicator so no more hurt. Actions speak, what does he do after you open up to him does he stop texting as much, stop calling or move in a positive direction. Slow the physical stuff right down tell him you don't want to get hurt if he can't understand that basic reasoning and care about you and your feelings it won't work. All the best, a thrill isn't worth the hurt in long run. ?
I too agree with Jane she does give fantastic advice.... 🙂
I think you should let the man lead and in time it will be up to you to follow. Being intimate early on in a relationship can confuse many things in our womanly minds. I feel a women really involves her emotions when she does this with a man early on instead of getting to know one another better..
A man does not put his emotions into sex like we women do. that was my
anyway.
If he truly values you he will bend over backwards to please you. If he is in it for only sex, you will know that too. Take it slower step back a bit and if he asks you what's wrong or why your not being physical with him, then have the conversation on how you feel. What is the worst that can happen if you do? If he wants you he will understand, if he only wants the physical, you will know that too. Actions do speak louder then words.
Good Luck,
Silvana
I agree with Jane and i want to add something. Your time is valuable and if you want clarity and don't want to waste your time with someone who is only looking for a surface relationship, you should be able to talk to that man about what you want and ask about what he wants. If he diagnoses you as ''Stage 5 clinger'' it is a clear sign to run away. Guys who don't want a serious relationship usually don't explain themselves clearly, they just label you as needy or clingy.
I think it is important to talk about what you and other person want in a relationship starting from the first date. Once a guy asked me if i want to get married and have kids in the future in our first date. It wasn't awkward at all. It doesn't put any pressure on you and other person, you are just talking about your future plans about your personal life. I think it is as natural as talking about your career plans. You have every right to ask him about his plans. You are giving your time, effort, body and heart to him already.
I wish you the best.
I totally agree with Jane as always. I can really identify with you and I wish I had been a lot more wary until way after the 3 month mark because when the wobble came I wasn’t expecting it and it definitely changed the power game in our relationship. I said if you’re not sure then I don’t want you. Big mistake because he came back with I am sure and I love you at which point I was all in and he steadily retreated. The closer we were the more he backed off until eventually after two years we barely saw each other but the love was stronger. He was a commitment phobe but refused to acknowledge it so be cautious...hold onto your heart a bit longer ...I gave mine away too soon and from that point I lost. Everything was on his terms or not at all yet he accused ME of wanting all or nothing...well yes if we love each other, anything else was just pain. People who consider others to be needy do not believe in the same kind of love and you have to be on the same page. If you are afraid of appearing needy then I think you already know he’s not that into you yet so hold your horses!
Pauli,
With all my heart, I hope this man is all he seems to be, and I hope that you continue to visit here and listen to Jane's insights gained through her experience of searching for a long time before she learned that she could trust herself to choose a good man and enter into a long-term successful marriage and have children with the man she loves and who loves her.
Here is my story about my only long-distance relationship:
I have been wary of long distance relationships since my boyfriend went to Vietnam when we were both 20 years old. I had known him since we were 17 years old. Before he left for Vietnam, he said that he would understand if I didn't want to wait for him. He said, "A year is long time." I told him that there was nothing I wanted more in the world than to wait for him. He suggested that we write a letter to each other every day he was in Vietnam, and we did that! We were able to talk on a ham radio once during that year. We met in Hawaii for a week in the middle of that year, which was a bittersweet experience. War had changed him, but I had no idea how much until he returned 5 months later. The letters had clear clues about the change, but I chose to ignore what didn't fit into my positive picture of who he was.
At some point while he was in Vietnam, his mother wrote him a letter encouraging him to ask me to marry him. Because we had never talked about marriage (this was 1970, when couples first began to live together before marriage), he asked if I had been talking to his mother about marriage. I hadn't. My perception was that he sounded annoyed. I was afraid of seeming "clingy" and losing him. I was very insecure in connection with him. My self-esteem was minimal in those days. All I knew was that I loved him and didn't want to lose him. It was hard for me to believe that he loved me the way I loved him. I didn't feel worthy of love, but I did think that our extraordinary sexual relationship meant that he loved me. He wrote that he was thinking of sending me a ring or a camera. He never sent the ring but gave me an expensive camera when we were in Hawaii. For me, that was the ring! The first time we had sex had been several years previously. That, too, in my mind, was a ring! I didn't feel that I needed a ring as long as he loved me. I pictured us living together when he returned and eventually marrying and having children and being happier than most couples for the rest of our lives.
Our relationship ended in violence 5 months after he returned, while we were living together. Few relationships survived separation during the Vietnam war. Many ended in violence. Our relationship ended but my love for him didn't. Perhaps if I had had the benefit of Jane's experience and the experiences of this community of women, I would have been able to go on with my life instead of being unable to let go of him for 37 years. Although I married someone else, that marriage was not good and ended in divorce, although I was not able to leave for 9 years, believing I could not support myself. I had a few other relationships after that, each worse than the previous, partly because I never stopped loving the man I had met when we were 17. Despite the fact that we had been separated since 1971, he asked me to be with him in the ICU the week before he died in 2008.
I remember him before he went to Vietnam. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I could not face the reality that he had changed, that he would NEVER be able to have a lasting relationship with a woman after his experiences in Vietnam. From what I understand from his sister, he never stopped loving me.
I have learned so much since I joined this community in June 2016. My broken heart has finally healed.
Last night I dreamed that asked me to marry him for the first time ever. I had to ask him if he had actually asked me to marry him because he said it so quietly and casually. I said, "Yes." Then I asked him if he would marry me. He said, "Yes." Then I realized that there was another woman in the room. He turned to embrace her. I was devastated. She looked like the young insecure woman I once was. She looked as if she had been crying. She looked as if she had been physically and emotionally abused. She looked at me with a desperate expression in her eyes. I told him that I couldn't live with what I was seeing. When I walked out of the room and into the night, I sensed I was leaving him forever. I had nothing but clarity about who I was and what I wanted. I knew I wasn't going back.
To this day, I have not had a long-distance relationship since that one, but that doesn't mean that all long-distance relationships turn out the way mine did!
You asked Jane:
"Do I just relax and see where things go at this point?"
That sounds like a great idea to me, along with joining this community of women and learning what it is that you truly want in a relationship. What I have learned here makes true love possible. I don't regret loving the way I did, but now I know there is another way to love. It involves knowing who I am and loving myself and knowing that I am worthy of love.
You are worthy of love, too.
Kind wishes always,
Ella
I like everything Jane said. It's true that it is probably best to look at the relationship like he is seeing someone else so you don't get your heart crushed in case it's not what you had hoped it is.
I have been in an LDR for 4 years and my perspective is colored by that so take this for what it's worth. My boyfriend calls me every day and I have always known that he isn't seeing anyone else because of the late nights we spend on the phone and his time constraints. We have a unique bond that neither of us has shared with anyone else and this understanding is present that we are just meant to be in each other's lives. I think that you will get to this point as more time goes by. I think you will be able to tell by his actions if he is all in or not. A man doesn't usually call a woman every day if he is just wanting a sexual relationship. And here is the best part and the part to concentrate on. If he is calling you daily that means that you are doing something for him... that he is enjoying your company. For a man, that is so important. He wants to feel like you enjoy him and that he is making you happy. If you are clicking on the phone then that is a good sign. Even if he is not "all in" right now, if you keep this up he will be before long.