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I Have Almost No Self-Esteem Left

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
My self esteem is completely gone because of his hurtful words.

What do you do when the relationship that you're in has simply worn you down to the point that you have almost no self-esteem left, but you just can't bring yourself to let go and move on? Our story this week comes from gorgeous Angelina, who can't imagine life without him, but is feeling completely broken down at this point.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane.

Please allow  me to preface this to say that my husband is my first real love and I have identified myself with my marriage so long that not only is this excruciating but I also have almost no self esteem left because I forgot who I was.

From day one I always had misgivings about the person who is now my husband and we even argued a little on our first date but I let his other qualities shine through and chose to ignore his anger and tendency towards cruelty until the more problems we faced in life, (his overbearing, overly intrusive Eastern European minded mother and housing issues along with his demanding job) took a toll on me.

I felt we didn't handle any of these issues as a team, just him wearing me down with his anger and near total hatred of me until I caved in but this never felt right so I'd stand up for myself by getting angry at him.

He is so stubborn and his mother has messed his mind up so much, (she is very very good at guilting him and passing on her hysterics to him, she wants to be the first person in his relationship calling all the shots of the marriage), that I found myself reacting in anger and frustration to try to get him to do anything good for himself.Continue Reading

The Undeniable Power of "Yes"

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A beautiful woman rising up from the grassy field with her hands in the air proclaiming Yes!
There’s a power here you can’t imagine.

When we’ve tried again and again and it still hasn’t worked, when we’re so tired of having to explain why it happened again to the same people we had told this time was different, it’s hard to feel passionate about anything.

And yet this is what love and life asks of us.

Are we sure? Is this what we really want?

There are few actions we can choose to take that will elicit the power of everything around us more than the power of saying “yes.”

Far too often we find ourselves saying “I guess so” or “maybe” out of fear, out of uncertainty or out of our need to know the end result first before diving in.

Our first reaction may be indignation or even anger at even the suggestion that we might not know what we want or be sure enough.Continue Reading

Is He The One?

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Angry girlfriend shouting at boyfriend showing text messages from other woman on his mobile phone.
My heart believes he's the one, but in my mind I know it's not right.

I receive so many letters asking this question. The stories may be different, from women from all different walks of life, all different ages and from all different parts of the world, but the question is always the same.

Is he the one?

It’s easy for me. After all, without the emotional attachment, I’m able to hold an objective view that you can’t see when you’re so emotionally invested.

But there’s one thing that I use to make that assessment more than anything else. What you say.

When you tell me you love him BUT. When you tell me he could be the one EXCEPT.

When you have all the reasons he could be but then in your words you say the one thing I’m waiting for, you tell me everything. Everything.

That’s where you need to go, Beautiful.

There. Right there.Continue Reading

It's Your Choice

21 Comments

It is always your choice written on a blackboard.
Never, ever, forget this part.

You look back.

You look back at what was, not what is. You retell the story of how it should have been with your memory of what you did wrong.

It’s not too late!

Throw out the convention. Throw out the desire to have it the way your mind says it has to be.

This is your choice. You get to choose what terms you’re willing to accept.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

I’ve been working with a woman for years now, who has been trying to change the man she loves. She's miserable without him, and so is he without her. But together, they fight.Continue Reading

Should I Call it Quits or Keep Trying?

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Street sign showing direction for should I stay or should I go.
Should I ask him what is going on, or just move on?

Our letter this week comes from beautiful Gail. She's seeing the signs of the slowly disappearing man, but she's not quite ready to let go and she's wondering if she should keep trying to work it out.

Here's what she wrote:

Hi Jane - I love your blog and have gained much insight from it - but I am still stuck with this particular dating dilemma, which I know is a fairly common one.

I have been online dating with a guy for around 4 months (we live about 7 hours car drive from each other) - I am 52, he is 56.  We hit it off right from the start and he was very romantic, telling me how he was falling for me big time, could imagine us spending our lives together, etc!

I really liked him and felt this might be the lucky charm (after several bad experiences).

He said he was really busy with his business in the run up to the end of the year, but he would make time soon to come and see me.  (Sorry, but I was not going to offer to go and visit him, I do feel that should come from him, first.)

Well, you can probably imagine what has happened.Continue Reading

How Do I Let Go and Find Happiness?

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A heartbroken woman with her head in her hands, wondering how do I let go?
I can't seem to let him go and let myself be free.

This week, I've chosen a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Elizabeth. She's suffered a huge heartbreak and she's wondering how she can let go, move on, and finally find happiness in her life.

Here's her email:

I've been reading your blogs for a few years now.

I know you have answered questions and given advice about letting go, freeing yourself from your past, etc. I feel like I have a unique situation though and I am really at a loss for how to truly put it in my past.

I dated the same guy off and on from 2007-2016. Our break-ups were always very bitter and sad, and I would spend months trying to heal and forgive him and myself. Every time, once I got to the point of finally accepting everything with him, he would pop back into my life.

He would tell me how he loves me, how sorry he is for everything, and would want to give us another try. He knew I never fell out of love with him.

The break-up before the most recent one, I wrote him a letter telling him why I think our relationship didn't work and I was ready to accept that we will never be together, but I needed some closure so I wrote the letter.Continue Reading

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