Every single one of the answers to your questions becomes clear when you focus on just one thing.
Your power.
That’s it.
Everything else you’ve been told carries so much weight. Everything to do with "Should I call?", "How long should I wait to text?", "Should I break up with him?", "How long should I wait for a commitment?"
Every one of our questions has to do with us owning our own power and remembering who we are in light of that power.
It’s the opposite of ourselves as victim, or ourselves as powerless to change what we’ve resigned ourselves to.
I can’t stress this enough. Question why. Ask yourself why.
Ask yourself why you believe something. Ask yourself why it’s true. And then ask yourself if it’s actually true or if it’s a belief you’ve bought into because of the culture that lives to maintain the status quo.
The beliefs we hold about ourselves, about others, about what we deserve, and whether we even have a right to have what we want, matter. The beliefs we’re aware of are hard enough to change; the ones we’re not are even more change-resistant.
You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to however much you care or feel about something.
What matters to you, matters to you, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. The fight for this power begins inside within us first, before it ever goes live outside in our daily lives.
We have to first understand that we actually have the right to be who we are, to feel what we feel, to have opinions about the things we have an opinion about. And that those things actually matter!
It’s as simple and as complicated as recognizing that every single time we venture out of our comfort zone of the way it’s always been for us, the discomfort we feel is a natural part of our growth.
Thinking differently or outside of the box will always be met with resistance. Not just from the people who resist us, but also from our own selves because it requires us to shift and change our belief systems - and that means our subconscious belief systems as well!
What if you don’t actually want what you always thought you wanted or what you grew up believing would make you happy? What if the very thing you’re trying so hard to prove to yourself and everyone else isn’t so much about that thing or person, but about the proof? What if after the proving of the thing you thought would finally make you feel good, actually leaves you feeling empty, with nothing more than the proof to show for it?
I know this is deep.
But if nothing’s changing for you, if you keep attracting the same thing over and over again in every area of your life, then the only place left to go is deeper than you’ve already been.
We have to shift from within us to get something different outside of us.
This is where our own power comes in. When we recognize we’re powerful enough to make these changes, to do something different, to see through the veil to what’s actually underneath, that’s where everything that aligns with our true selves and our true hearts and our true power begins!
The culture we’ve grown up in and formed our many deep-seated beliefs from, is all about making this idea of taking responsibility for our lives a very scary thing.
How many of us remember being scared of shirking our responsibility to the point that we became overly responsible to our own detriment? How many of us took to heart the belief that we had to be perfect to be loved, to be accepted, to be worthy, to such an extent that we’ve become perfectionists and we’re overly anxious about making every single decision perfectly?
We have to first believe we have a right to choose before we can ever begin to choose.
We have to first believe that we are the architects of our own lives – with a little or a lot of help from the spiritual side of things we believe in - before accepting responsibility for our own lives begins to seem a whole lot less scary.
And a whole lot less scary and anxious is a much better way for any of us to live. Everything becomes clear when we understand this!
How about you, Gorgeous? Is this one resonating with you? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments below!
"What if you don’t actually want what you always thought you wanted or what you grew up believing would make you happy? What if the very thing you’re trying so hard to prove to yourself and everyone else isn’t so much about that thing or person, but about the proof? What if after the proving of the thing you thought would finally make you feel good, actually leaves you feeling empty, with nothing more than the proof to show for it?"
Yep. I thought having a boyfriend would make me happy, but now I don't think so. Not that I've ever had one, but frankly I keep thinking what for? Meh. I have more questions than answers right now, but I am ok with living with the questions. I don't think anyone has answers anyway so I might as well get comfortable with uncertainty. I figure the longing for someone was about proving I have value and I matter because the world has always told me I don't. Looking at the state of the world, I will never be told I have value and I matter so I choose to tell myself that and move along with the certainty that I have myself. I hope it's enough. I want it to be enough.
"I figure the longing for someone was about proving I have value and I matter because the world has always told me I don't." - This is huge for you and any of us to recognize, Angel. Might not be true for all of us or even everyone, but it certainly was true for me with the type of men I used to think I wanted, and I see this all the time with so many other women, too. It's enough if it's enough for you and you're the only one who matters!
"What if you don’t actually want what you always thought you wanted or what you grew up believing would make you happy? OH Jane this is the exact feeling I had after two friends of mine tried to hook me up with guys who only called me once and never bothered to call again, the one guy in particular was told by my other friend that I prefer guys who call and not text/ whatsapp, and guess what/ he only called me once and afterwards he started chatting with me through whatsapp.... the second guy only called once and wasn`t even specific of when he will meet with me, he just said "I`ll probably see you sometime this week" I just saw someone who has a difficulty in committing, not necessarily long term but if someone who is said to be excited about meeting you can`t even specify on a day when he will meet you that alone for me is a red flag.
So these two incidents has made me realize that maybe it`s not time for me to date yet, I understand the reason behind my friends wanting to hook me up with someone is because they want to see me "happy" according to them. but I have been feeling a lot of peace lately, I am in a state whereby it`s easy for me to sense when something is not right and thus cause me to easily walk away with no regrets, your articles have been really helpful, this forum is my go to place whenever I feel confused, lonely and depressed. the experiences and wisdom that these beautiful women have shared has kept me going. I can safely say that I am now more wiser than before, yes there will be some mistakes on the way but the most important thing is to learn from them and move on.
What you wrote here today resonates with me, it`s like a confirmation of what I`ve been thinking about lately, I do not want to settle, I refuse to settle for anything that is less of what I deserve. I also made a promise to myself that I will never again sleep with someone up until I know we are in a serious relationship, and are on the same page, I have been struggling on that department, and I believe that I am now in a state whereby I am able to stand my ground, as I the power is in my hands like you said.
Thank you Jane once more.
So glad this resonated with you, Lolly. This is exactly your confirmation that I intended it to be!