This week the letter comes from one of our amazing anonymous readers who I've called "Heidi". She writes in to talk about her insecurities with the man she loves. Sound familiar? We all have them, in one way or another.
Here's what she had to say:
Hi Jane.
I'm 23 years old and I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost three years now and it's been going really great. He's an amazing guy and has never done anything to betray me, etc.
My problem, though, is my insecurity about this relationship. I know I love him and he loves me back but what if he finds someone prettier or smarter than me?
He's friends with loads of girls, not close to them but he knows them well. What if he starts liking one of them more than he likes me? He's known me for 5 years and I admit it can get boring at times.
Someone else could be more interesting and exciting for him than his girlfriend of almost 3 years now.
How do I keep him interested? How do I make sure he doesn't fall for someone else. I love him so much and I'm so afraid to lose him. How do I keep the spark alive?
- Heidi
My Response:
Oh, Heidi, how I know about the "what ifs"!
You’ve taken me back to my own 23 year old self, full of insecurity about my relationship at the time that meant so much to me, too. I didn’t know anything of what I know now. And I asked myself these very same questions.
What if he finds someone prettier or smarter than me?
Sure, I was human. Which meant I could be boring at times. After all, someone else could easily be more interesting and exciting for him than his girlfriend of almost 3 years now. Right?
Yep, I felt that too.
How do I keep him interested? How do I make sure he doesn’t fall for someone else? How do I control all this and keep things the way they are now, right now? Because I love him so much and I’m so afraid to lose him.
Check, check, check, and....check.
Heidi, when I read your email in my inbox, I immediately knew the message I wanted you to hear.
You have to read this. You have to know this. Now, not later. All of us do. And especially those of us who are young enough to be 23 years old and feeling everything you are.
The sooner we get this part – and set the record straight – the better our whole lives are going to be. It matters that much.
You see, unless you were lucky enough to grow up in an environment where you were consistently reminded of your inherent value and worth every single day, this won't come naturally.
If you're like most of us, you got the other message our culture usually programs us with instead. The one that says you have to keep taking care of other people’s feelings, and your role is to do the work in a relationship to keep things going well. That it's your job to make someone happy, to keep creating harmony, and to take the responsibility for everything that happens in that relationship.
Even if you’re the only one doing it and it doesn’t feel right to you.
Now, I don’t know the other half of your relationship. I don’t know him, and except for the few words you’ve given me here, I really don’t know you. But it sounds like there might be a reason you're feeling this way. I think you should explore your feelings about him and try to understand what may be causing these feelings of insecurity.
You mention that he's friends with a lot of women - that's probably a good place to start. I'm not saying that men can never have a platonic relationship, but most men prefer the company of other men, so if he's hanging out with a lot of women enough for you to make a point of it, that's a red flag. Even if it's not yet to you, I want to validate that you have every right to question it, even if you're not questioning him.
Most of us don’t hear what I’m about to say here until after we’ve been to hell and back. So whatever I can give you as a preventive to all the heartbreak and all that goes along with it, is worth something that you probably can’t even grasp yet.
Why is this all up to you? Why are you the one who has to be exciting? Why do you have to put all this pressure on yourself to be pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, sparkly enough, exciting enough (and especially not boring, right?) to make sure he stays in love with you. To make sure he doesn’t fall for someone else prettier, more exciting, sparklier?
But what I have to ask here that stands out as so clearly missing, is the part about his role and the responsibility for this relationship that he holds.
What about him? What does he get to do for you? Is he worried about being all these things for you? Is he worried about being everything he can be so you won’t be interested in someone else who’s more of these things than him?
It's time to take him down off of that pedestal you've got him on, and recognize that he's the one that needs to work to make sure he doesn't lose you!
I know that's easier said than done - our programming runs deep.
You don’t have to have all of this programming to have this, but if you have some of it, that’s already too much. Because it leads to all kinds of other things that matter and have an effect on our insecurities. It can’t not.
Heidi, you’re both young. So yes, there’s that. And by that I mean that both of you are pretty young to have set your sights on each other to determine that you’re in this committed relationship and are going to be together now and for the rest of your lives down the road.
What I’m saying to you is live your life so that you’ll be happy and proud of your life regardless of what happens in this relationship. I really hope for your sake that you guys make it. Because I know you want this with him.
But there’s something else I have to tell you, Heidi, and that’s that what you think you want right now that means the world to you – namely him – and what you actually might need 10 or 20 or 50 years from now might look like something very different. I want you to know that whatever happens here, you can trust that it’s going to be exactly what you needed and everything and more that you wanted it to be.
Even if you can’t see that now, I promise you it will, it does.
And I want to tell you the most important message I’ve got for you -and for everyone else, for that matter.
You want to know how you keep him interested? You turn this around. You remind yourself that it’s not your job to make someone happy, to keep someone interested, to keep him loving you. It IS your job to make a life (and keep making a life) that makes you happy, that makes you smile, that makes you laugh, that makes you love your life and all the people you choose to have in it.
Create a life you love, go out and do the things that make life colorful and beautiful and amazing.
Do what you can to make a difference in this world so that you can feel good about why you’re here. Be around children and animals as much as you can so you don’t lose sight of innocence and living in the moment.
Don’t look for him to fill your cup full. Fill it yourself.
If your life is the cake, then your relationship with him is the icing on the cake. Don't let the relationship be your life. Ever.
If you’re doing all this, if you’re taking responsibility for being the only person responsible for your happiness and he can’t see you through his own eyes for all that you are and all that you have to offer him, then he can’t see you, Heidi.
You’re not here to make someone see you. You’re here to be seen by the ones capable of seeing you. Nothing more. Nothing less.
It’s actually quite simple except that we make it complicated when we make it our job to make someone see us who isn’t capable of seeing us, instead of simply saying “next”.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have a similar story to share or any words of advice or encouragement for beautiful Heidi? Share them with us in the comments below!
Heidi,
I'm just reiterating Jane here. Let someone see the deeper you! This person, a man in this situation needs to see you for who you are... Your heart, the person that you are and no man can see you as such unless it is given to him. You can't force anyone to see your heart; in other words, the invisible you. It is a gift! It has to be given to that man, to see the you... the true you, the person you are within.
Lastly... Lose him!... So you can win him (if need be). Anything we're afraid of losing... we end up losing cause we make an idol out of it.
Dear Heidi,
We can learn so much by asking questions of ourselves and others, getting to know ourselves, listening to the experiences of others and then listening closely to ourselves and finding what works for us. We are each on our own path. Paradoxically, we are not alone on that path. I have learned so much by listening to Jane's experiences and those of all of us in this community of women.
Knowing that you have your own spark inside that is alive always is the key to true love.
I learned that the hard way. It doesn't matter how hard or long the way is, as long as we discover the spark that is in us and learn to trust it.
When I was 17, I met a young man who was also 17 and who was a dream come true for me. He was everything I had always hoped for since I was a child of 5 years old watching the Disney movie, "Lady and the Tramp." I was 5 years old (!) when I began looking for my own "Tramp." It is telling that I had never had a boyfriend before I was 17, never dated at all because nobody asked me, waiting for my "Tramp" to appear. Because I didn't see myself as pretty or sweet like "Lady," I despaired of ever being loved and felt absolutely unlovable by the time I was 17.
Looking back, I can see that what my young man was to me, I was for him. My dream was a re-play of "Lady and the Tramp" in my own life. My young man saw himself as an outlaw, and I was attracted by that. He saw my innocence and was attracted by that. The major problem was that both of us had extremely low self-esteem, and the movie didn't go as planned. There was no living happily ever after for us, although the beginning was innocent and magical for me. He told me many years later (during the first time that he was undergoing chemotherapy, and we were together for the first time in 15 years for a brief 24 hours) that it was magical for him, too.
By the time we were 21, he had been to Vietnam and back, and any self-esteem he had once had was shattered by that experience. What little self-esteem I had was lost during those first few months we lived together after he returned. He had sex with other women during the time we were living together. He was rarely at home with me. He used drugs or alcohol on a daily basis and was dealing drugs. He treated me cruelly most of the time. I tried to keep my focus on the few times where I saw the goodness in him. I understand now that what happened to me often happens after men return from war, but all I could think was that I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough -- that I wasn't enough of anything for him. I kept trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be, not knowing that he wanted me to be myself and that I needed to be myself for myself, not for him!!!
I didn't know that he hated himself and did not feel worthy of me and was doing everything in his power to make me leave. It turned out that the only way he could make me leave was to be physically violent with me. I could tolerate emotional abuse and sexual betrayal because I could not forget the moments when he had seemed to be kind and loving toward me. However, because I had grown up with physical abuse from my mother, the night he suddenly wanted to kill me (he reminded me of my mother in those moments) was the night I woke up from my illusions about him but not from the nightmare that was to continue for many years until I found this community of women.
I know I keep telling this story from different angles. Telling our stories in a safe context is the key to healing.
Although I separated from him emotionally after that terrible night of physical violence, I was unable to completely let go of him emotionally and to turn to the spark of light inside me. I couldn't do that completely until he died of the results of alcoholism and drug addiction and cigarettes and the cancer that returned and metastasized to his brain when we were both 58 years old. If he hadn't been a Vietnam veteran, he would not have had a home in the VA hospital where he died. If I hadn't had some spark in me, keeping me alive, I don't know how I would have survived those years to be with him the week before he died, at his request. I was not with him when he died. Afterwards, the doctors and nurses said that would not die until I spent that 4 days with him in the ICU and then said, "Goodbye."
After all those years of wanting things to be different, of thinking that I wasn't enough, I found that there is a spark in me that never died and was waiting for me to find it.
The man I loved died a long slow death. I am still alive at age 67, although I was dying a slow death along with him in my own way. Those years were not wasted, though. I couldn't learn the lessons until I could. I chose an extremely hard way of learning. I didn't know what I know now.
I was just reminded that it is said that when we are ready, a teacher appears. Jane has been that teacher. And, astonishingly, she appeared in person on the trail where I have been walking for about 30 years. I had no idea that she lives in the same neighborhood that I do. I recognized her from the photo and from watching her videos, and said incredulously, "Are you Jane?"
That was on September 4, a year ago.
I introduced myself as one of her readers, and that I had had no idea that we lived in the same state, much less the same neighborhood. At that time, I had not yet subscribed to the weekly emails. If that meeting with Jane isn't amazing, I don't what is!!!!
That was a turning point in my ability to trust the spark within me that I had learned about from Jane, beginning with the day I Googled, "Why doesn't he call me?" and found Jane's website. Not long after that I began to subscribe to the weekly emails.
Now that I think of it, many teachers have appeared since Jane. All the women who meet here are my teachers!
My life has made me philosophical. Much of my life was eclipsed by my low self-esteem, but the sun was there all along and never completely disappeared.
I missed the eclipse of 1979 because of circumstances related to my low self-esteem. The man I met at age 23, married at age 26, and left when I was 34 (not the man I met when I was 17) was not as invested in seeing the 1979 eclipse as I was and managed to sabotage our trip and as a result, we experienced only a partial eclipse on a cloudy Northwest Washington morning.
One of my hopes for today is that I will witness the total eclipse on Monday, August 21, in North Central Oregon. I will be traveling alone but not lonely, with joy and peace in my heart. Because of the current news of major traffic jams due to the coming eclipse, I cannot be sure that I will make it to the path of the total eclipse, but I am going leave early on Sunday morning, take less traveled roads, stay overnight in Eastern Washington and do my driving to North Central Oregon in the very early morning hours and hope for the best. My usual waking time is 4 a.m., so getting up even earlier will not be difficult for me!
Another hope for today is that I will be sharing the experience of a total eclipse with at least some of you and that we all remember that there is a sun inside us that shines no matter what happens.
Thank you for your questions, Heidi. I hope you find the true love that you are seeking with yourself and your young man.
Kind wishes always,
Ella
"You’re not here to make someone see you. You’re here to be seen by the ones capable of seeing you. Nothing more. Nothing less". so much truth in this Jane, and until we realize this we will keep on trying too hard to want to be seen.
I just had a moment more like a breakdown after reading this, like i broke down and cried, i guess i am realizing that i have been doing this all my life, worrying and wanting to do something in order for someone not to leave me. and the sad part is i`ve been doing this to my family and friends too, and it can be draining. your post came at the right time thanks to Heidi, i am just glad that it came at a time when i`m busy reflecting on my life and making some changes, i now know how to behave in my future relationship, i have learned a lot here, it is now becoming easy for me o say next without hesitating, it`s easy to now state what i can stand and what i cannot, day by day i am realizing my worth and it feels great .
i like everything you have said to her, she has to understand that the only thing she has to do is keep her own life exciting enough so that she won`t worry much about the relationship, i am not saying that she has to neglect her boyfriend, she must just continue doing what she is doing and nothing more, she needs to remember that the only thing that will keep a man in a relationship is "a Man who wants to be kept". She also needs to start having a life outside that of a relationship and in that way she will be less worried and insecure about this guy. Most of all she must enjoy the journey and the beauty of having a loving relationship like she has explained it and not worry much about the future, she must live in the moment.
Hei Heidi... I feel what you feel now . Big worrying of losing someone we love but,. Even if it happens one day, take a positive lesson from it. You should know that God is preparing you for the better one. You shouldnt make your break up as if it is the end of your life . Instead, make it as a new chapter for your beautiful life. As long as you ve been good to him, you wont feel a big regret when one day he flies to another heart. But you will see what kind of man your man is. And he doesn't deserve for your love .
Great Advice Jane!!
I'm saving this part just so I always remember this as I move forward in my life.....I am just about in this place & I don't plan on leaving it just because I'm dating someone:)
"You want to know how you keep him interested? You turn this around. You remind yourself that it’s not your job to make someone happy, to keep someone interested, to keep him loving you. It IS your job to make a life (and keep making a life) that makes you happy, that makes you smile, that makes you laugh, that makes you love your life and all the people you choose to have in it.
Create a life you love, go out and do the things that make life colorful and beautiful and amazing.
Do what you can to make a difference in this world so that you can feel good about why you’re here. Be around children and animals as much as you can so you don’t lose sight of innocence and living in the moment.
Don’t look for him to fill your cup full. Fill it yourself."
Remember it....put it in your journal!!! For your own well being this is so important!
Dear Heidi,
Societal programming is on overdrive here. Why do you think so little of yourself? Why do you compare yourself to other girls? It would be quite enlightening for you to figure out the answers to these questions within yourself.
I remember being like you in my early twenties. I remember worrying and trying and begging and trying some more to be more this or that or whatever I thought the man of the moment wanted. I imagined some ridiculously "perfect woman" he might want and I tried to be that. It's unhealthy and it only damages you. There is no magic perfect woman. No human being is. Just discover who you truly are outside of your relationship, friendships and even familial ties. Who are you? What are you about? What do you want out of life? That is a more worthwhile pursuit and, as Jane said, the sooner you understand that, the more pain you'll save yourself, the less time you'll waste on places and people who aren't worth it.
Another thing you need to understand is that none of us can control other people. We cannot control the future, nor other people's feelings, lives, or ideas. Let him be who he is and you figure out who you are and focus on yourself. Relationships are beautiful if they work and are balanced. It takes two for them to really work. You grow and learn in them, you work on difficulties but it always, always, ALWAYS takes two. Remember that. If you're making your life revolve around a guy, something is not right. Never overdo and try too hard if the other person isn't meeting you halfway. This applies for any kind of relationship. Even friendships. I hope you get to understand and live this before you have to learn the hard way, like most of us have.
Good luck.
Hello Heidi. Jane explained everything i want to say so well but i want to stress ''don't make your relationship your life'' part. I think your insecurity comes from resentment. You made your relationship your life and he clearly doesn't. That situation put him in a position that he is more valuable than you and that kills equality in the relationship. You feel like if you broke up for some reason he can easily find someone new and you will be devastated and alone. These negative expectations ruin lots of good relationships. Please don't do this to yourself and your relationship. And also i can suggest you to whenever you feel that kind of anxiety, do something nice to yourself. That can be buying an outfit that you feel pretty in or enjoying an activity you like and you feel like you are good at it. In fact, you don't have to wait for something negative happen to do that! Remember you have so much to offer. Everyone has some ''flaws'' or can feel boring sometimes. Even though my friends define me as a very funny person i feel boring sometimes too and that's ok. Your boyfriend is not perfect too, nobody is!
Also i want to say a few words about having too many female friends. If he is using this situation for ego boost or he complains about your relationship to them whenever you have a disagreement instead of talking to you to find a solution, then it can be a problem. Otherwise it is perfectly fine. All of the guys are not all about hanging out with male buddies drinking beer and watching sports games. Just remember there has to be some boundries in male-female friendships and you can let him know what you are ok with or not.