This week, we’re hearing from one of our beautiful readers who's asked to remain anonymous. I'll call her Traci - she's reaching out for some help to see what she knows is true.
Here's her question:
Hi Jane,
I read a similar story on your website - I think I need someone to help me decide!
I have been talking to this guy since early Feb of this year, we have been planning to meet up, on one occasion he had to cancel and on two occasions I have cancelled.
We text everyday and it's lovely to speak to someone. We have arranged a date and both talking about how we're really excited to see each other!
Then suddenly, he goes quiet - no reason or explanation. Now, I never hear from him unless I message and sometime he will talk for a bit and then go quiet.
I have asked him "I'm a little confused, we have gone from talking all day, every day to barely talking to each other at all", to which his reply was "I have no idea what's happened, I have been really busy at work which means I have had no time".
To me I think that is a poor excuse - no matter what - he would have found some time to message me at some point. It's really sad and I feel really torn on what to do....
Thank you Jane.
xx
- Traci
My Response:
It IS so hard to see when we’re going through it ourselves, Traci. Which of course, is why you’re reaching out here.
You know I’m going to tell you to listen to that voice that KNOWS your own truth. Your comment that recognizes his poor excuse - too busy with work - for exactly what it is: this is you knowing your own truth! Even if you don’t want it to be true. Because, after all, isn’t it so nice to get these crumbs of communication from him?
But that’s what they are, crumbs. When you deserve the whole package.
Where do we get that? Where do we get that we have to settle for those little crumbs of communication, or affection, or validation, or sex, or company instead of receiving the whole package deal?
Not from anywhere loving.
Take a look at that. If you don’t get that from anyone or anyplace that has your best interest at heart, that loves and cares about you and only wants the best for you, can you choose to stop hanging onto that completely erroneous belief?
Because that’s the lie, Traci. That you should somehow be grateful that you’re getting as much as you are from a guy like that.
No, the truth is you shouldn't be. You should be appalled that a guy can communicate with you as much as he did and not want to see you. But true to our programming and what we’ve been told a good little girl should do, we thank him for that. We appreciate him for that!
And we think "Isn’t it wonderful that someone like him is paying this much attention to someone like me – and I should be so grateful and thanking my lucky stars that he’s willing to spend this much of his precious time with me!"
So, Traci, I hope you’re seeing how I feel about this.
Let’s validate for you the fact that yes, it IS sad. Really sad. That someone who you obviously feel this much potential with could behave like this. Even though you haven’t actually met him yet, I know you get those “good potential” vibes, so I want to acknowledge and validate those.
Because I know they always feel real when we’re talking about ourselves and not someone else.
But after that, I want to say that it’s even sadder when we ignore the obvious. And that’s what I don’t want you to do. You’re already wise to him. You’re already seeing right through the words that say "I’m too busy to even meet you in person to give you that itty-bitty part of my time."
He’s living a fantasy, Traci. Not reality. If he meets you, that may burst for him. He’ll have to play for real.
It's easier for him to not come out and play at all. It’s so much easier for a man with commitment issues - and all kinds of other issues as well - to keep on playing it safe instead of coming out and being human.
He’s not capable of more and that’s what you can see. He’d rather make see-through excuses that are so obvious and then try to pretend, or to get you to do the dirty work for him.
Listen to your heart. You’ve got this.
Let him go. He’s already gone. Actually, he was never really there in the first place. But not because of you. Because of him. Because of whatever is going on for him.
You are not about crumbs. You are about a real relationship with someone who isn’t making excuses about time to cover up being dishonest with you.
You know it. I’m just confirming what you already, in your heart of hearts, know!
I hope this is what you were looking for.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of advice and/or encouragement for beautiful Traci? Share them with us below in the comments!
This post by Traci and Jane brings back a lot of bad memories for me. I remember when I was with my boyfriend of 2 years, he always gave me "crumbs". We would go out on great dates where I know we both had a great and romantic time. Then it was mostly "out of sight, out of mind" for him. He would go days without contacting me. I used to see my friends significant others call and contact them to just see "how they were doing". I used to say to myself how I wish my boyfriend would do that for me. I usually had to reach out and ask him why I haven't heard from him. It was always the same excuse "work has been crazy busy". My inner voice used to say not to believe him, but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
One day right before we broke up, I was out with my ex and his cousins for dinner. One cousin jokingly told me she calls and texts him everyday and he always picks up, he's not that busy at work. I felt crushed and I knew that he was avoiding my texts and phone calls and only returned them when it was convenient for him.
I learned a valuable lesson about communication with men. If they value you in their life, you'll hear from them. It won't matter if they are super busy or have a crazy schedule, they will make time for you. Don't ever accept crumbs from a man, he always think it's acceptable to treat you that way.
Wow spot on as always Jane...."let him go he is gone already" you took the words straight out of my mouth.
The only thing I can say to Traci is that she needs to forget about this guy and move on. One of the things that I told myself I will not compromise on is how a guy contacts me. I've learnt from my previous relationships/mistakes that the minute you allow a guy to only communicate with you via text that's all you will get and nothing more, and he will eventually dump you through text.
This guy doesn't feel like he has to put an effort in all of this, because you have allowed his behavior to go on for quite a long time, and as a result he doesn't care if he ghosts you for days on end because he knows that you will eventually reach out to him... I don't blame you I've been there myself for so many times, until recently where I've decided its enough, the help of Jane and the amazing women on this forum have played a big role in my journey to self discovery, it will happen to you soon just be patient.
One more thing just accept the fact that there is no relationship here there was never one to begin with, it was just the fantasy, you are better off without this loser.....all the best!
I had one like that once. Except we had a couple of lunch dates. Turned out he was married. I found out from his mother's obituary.
You are bringing some light into his life but are getting very little in return. Be thankful for the good you've gotten and say good bye. It will hurt for a while but you deserve more. Make a path for something better!
Wow, needed to hear that myself. You couldn't have explained it any better. It makes so much sense. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Hi my name is Lisa. I am kind of going through the same thing, the difference is I live with him. He works alot and don't get me wrong he is a good provider. But things have become so different now. Inot the beginning it was good, we had fun, we made love, but now that part has seemed to stop. He says he doesn't feel like having sex, and he says it might change later. It makes me feel unwanted, undesirable and lonely. He says I'm the love of his life, and I'm his best friend in the whole world. I feel like a roommate instead. The intimacy is not there. We have been together for 15 months. He is in the middle of a divorce. I am wondering if I'm just a rebound. I question myself everyday, am I just settling? Can I live in a relationship like this? Is this a relationship?
Hi Lisa! I couldn't help but notice your comment. If you should question ,"is this a relationship?" then perhaps it is not. 🙁 How you are describing is very similar to what I went through and still in a way going through... I met this wonderful man in April of this yr. He had just split from his wife in Feb... we got caught up in a whirlwind romance straight out of the movies! He was happy, we talked for hours daily, eventually became intimate and had the best sex of my life. I can see myself marrying this man one day! Then about 2 mons in, he said he is not ready for a relationship, even though I knew he had feelings for me too. I just felt his heart is guarded, and is not ready to start over again right now. He needs time to heal from his previous relationship before taking the leap again. I know that he has to work on loving himself before he can truely love me. As hard as it was, I had to cut it off with him. I was devastated, but knew that it would even hurt more to just be strung along. After about 6 weeks of no contact he had reached out to me again, he missed me and had time to evaluate his life while we were apart. We are not in a relationship yet, just playing it by ear. Meanwhile though I am still going on dates with other men, keeping my mind busy while "my love" comes around. I hope you figure out your situation my dear.
Dear Traci,
It's never to late to learn this lesson about the futility of accepting crumbs instead of true love. Until this past year (I will be 68 years old in October), I had always been grateful for crumbs and I told myself stories about them and made them into so much more than they were, until I believed they were what love was all about.
It was a painful experience, finally letting go of the crumbs. The crumbs had been everything to me.
On the other side of the pain I experienced is a life that I never dreamed was possible. I could not do this alone. I could never do this alone. This community of women who have had the same experiences is the key for me.
I am grateful to Jane for bringing us together by sharing her painful experiences and how she found true love.
Through what I have learned here, finally I have been able to wish a man well and really mean it and go forward with my life.
Kind wishes,
Ella
Being confident as we speak from the heart is attractive in itself. Making sure we don't get caught up in playing games as well. The next time this person reached out (if ever), let him know you are interested in a mutual more committed relationship. So you don't want to waste each other's time. Wish him well and move on.
Hope that helps
- Angela
Ohio