Beautiful Jude writes about the situation she's in, wondering why he hasn't called when he said he would, and I know so many of us can relate to this one!
Here's her email:
He said he'd call yesterday, but didn't. Why does this make me feel so needy?
Why don't I just contact him? It's been going well so far.
So afraid of being vulnerable and of finding out he's not as committed as I hoped. And that I'll then put up with it...
How do I approach this without sounding like a lunatic and without compromising myself? Is it OK to say "I was expecting to hear from you; is all OK?"
Then how do I trust his answer... Oh dear!
My Response:
Is there anything that triggers us more than this? He said he’d call but he didn’t.
It’s not just that he didn’t call when he said he would; it’s what it does to us. It’s the second-guessing it leads us to do on ourselves. It’s the fears it brings up in us, the awareness of who we are - and who we aren’t - that it sheds a light on.
And maybe more than anything else, it’s the self-doubt that calls everything into question that does the most damage.
Was I just imagining things were going so well? Was I a fool to believe he felt the same way about me as I did about him? The self-disparaging words flow so wrongfully directed.
It can’t help but make you feel so needy, Jude. “So afraid of being vulnerable and of finding out he’s not as committed as I hoped. And that I’ll put up with it.”
Oh you’ve captured exactly what goes on here inside us in moments like this. This is exactly why it affects us so much. Because it reveals what we know – and so much that we don’t.
To understand this and have this awareness is huge! Huge! Be proud of yourself first for having the insight to go there. It’s never just about him and the call or the absence of a call. It’s about so much more.
There’s so much substance (and information to be had!) in your questions. The very fact that you’re in this position in the first place gives you a whole lot of information about him.
Let’s break this down.
If he’s really busy, he could still find time to give you a quick call, right? Even if he lost his phone, at some point, he’s perfectly capable of getting another one – or borrowing one from a friend, right? At some point he’s going to get a message to you one way or another so that you’re not worrying about him.
We know he could have contacted you, but for some reason he didn't.
So how do you reach out to him without compromising yourself and coming across like a lunatic? And lest you think you’re the only one who’s wondered that, I think it’s safe to say that most, if not all of us, have tried to figure this one out before!
What you’ve come up with here: “I was expecting to hear from you; is all OK?” is completely reasonable.
The catch, of course, is that you're wondering if you can trust his answer. Which also speaks volumes.
His answer needs to be more than words; his answer needs to be behavior that gives you that same answer that’s too easy to put into words, with the demonstrable, no-doubt-about-it action to back those words up.
Which, of course, brings us back to the whole point of my answer to you.
It’s through his behavior that you find out what you’ve actually got with him. That’s how you know. That’s the only way to know for sure!
You reaching out to him, saying this pretty benign phrase is for you. By doing nothing, you'd know soon enough exactly where he stands. But if you can’t wait for that, then do what you need to do for you, and reach out to him.
Doing what doesn’t eat us up inside is what really matters. Doing what we can live with matters. Doing the lesser of two evils to the detriment of our hearts matters.
By that I mean if NOT reaching out to him is harder on you and your peace of mind than reaching out to him (knowing that since you’re initiating contact first, you really won’t know how long he would have gone without reaching out to you) then that’s a no-brainer. Reach out to him.
On the other hand, if you want to know just how long he thinks is acceptable to go without contact, even after he told you he'd call, then wait it out and see. This may tell you quite a bit about whether he's the right guy for you or not.
We’re not here to be martyrs or play games. We're here to be who we are. We’re here to be loved for who we are.
The fact that you're not sure if you can trust his answer has me more concerned than whether or not you reach out to him. Without knowing more about your relationship it's hard to say, but simply from your question "How do I trust his answer?" I see a major red flag there.
Trust is one of those things that’s earned, Jude. It can’t be rushed.
It’s proven over time by consistent actions, consistent behavior that tells you who you think you’re with is actually who you’re with and not someone who just pretends to be that person. Over time, you start seeing consistencies that tell you "Hey, I can trust you."
And so does he. It happens naturally. Or it doesn’t.
But in the meantime, don’t worry about messing this potentially amazing relationship up simply because of reaching out to him to make sure he’s OK when you don’t hear from him. If a reasonable amount of time has passed for you, and it jives with your internal sense of knowing (that thing known as your gut) then go with it.
If he's the right guy for you, it won't matter.
You’re doing awesome! Awareness is everything.
Hope this helps, Jude.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Jude should do in this situation? Should she reach out to him or wait it out? Share your thoughts with us below in the comments!
This response sets the tone for everything in life. God always gives us red flags before your heart can even be broken. He loves us and doesn’t want us to hurt.
Do you think it would be disrespectful if you treated someone the way he treated you? That’s your answer right there. Always expect and demand to be treated the way you would treat others 💎
The way you should treat others is the better wording
- we all are capable of messing up
Wait it out. So well said. If you don't and you were just a filler, in the end, you won't be together. Waste of time. Men go after what they want but they can be selfish and, if it's there, take it until something better comes along. If this guy wants you, he will make contact. May take couple of weeks. After that, move on. Games. Again, waste of your time. So many men out there who would jump through hoops for you!
This article and the meaningful responses were incredibly helpful. After thoughtful consideration I am deciding not to reach out which tells me I had already figured him out. Feeling free and classy. I just don’t know how I will respond if I finally do hear from him.
You knew all along, Leigh! And you'll respond like a woman standing in her power, who knows who she is, who knows what she deserves, and no longer settles for less!
Jude,
I've been through this with my ex. He would say he was going to call and I wouldn't hear from him. I agnozied over whether or not to reach out and contact him. I usually did, and I would get the excuses of "I've been so busy" or something happened and he couldn't call. Looking back on this, it's a huge red flag and I wouldn't have contacted him. I feel like if a man is interested, he will make the effort and call. I know it hurts but it's better knowing now than three years from now. So my advice is to keep your options open. Don't reach out to him and if you haven't heard from him in a week, then you have your answer. Also, keep busy and not let this bother you so much. Wishing you much luck!
Jude, i reached out for the guys who cut the contact before but it really didn't work. What i heard from them is just lame excuses that make me feel more confused than before. Early stages of dating can be very confusing because you don't know each other well enough to know why he did what he did. That sucks, i know but you will probably never know the answer. (I still don't know the ''real'' answers, even though i talked to them about this) Let's say the reason he doesn't call is a compatibility issue he saw between you or a personal problem of his. Do you think he would tell you that honestly or he would prefer to make an excuse like being busy at work or something? (i guess being busy is the most popular one). My suggestion for you is to move on. No matter how much you try to make something happen it can't happen without his contribution. He may call you later but you can state that it's been a long time since your last contact so he can know you are not ok with that.
Thank you so much, Jane, for speaking at length about this issue.
It gives me an opportunity to tell my story of what happened this last week. I hope my story can help Jude make her decision.
It takes me a long time to accept that a relationship is over and never even existed to the extent that I thought it did.
Last November I made a promise to do a drawing for the man who had seemed to be in my life, at least as a friend, for about 8 months. He asked if I could do a drawing of his adult son from a photograph. Soon after that, because he didn't include me in his Thanksgiving plans (a deal breaker for me), I decided to see what would happen if I stopped reaching out to him.
To be honest, I wasn't surprised when I didn't hear from him, but still I entered into the grieving process. I had opened my heart to him, but I needed to accept the reality that his heart was not open to me. I needed to move forward with my life.
I was surprised at how angry I felt when he left a message on Christmas Eve, wishing me a Happy Christmas and Happy New Year. I was so angry that I didn't call back until the next day, but he didn't return my call. The next time I heard from him was a month later when he called with a request for help in connection with a friend of his.
Here I ask myself why I initially agreed to help him. Here I give myself a hug for calling him back within a few days and saying that I couldn't help him and clearly saying "Bye."
We live in a small town. In May, I was driving through town and saw him walking down a sunlit alley. He didn't see me. I realized that my heart was still not ready to let him go and called him not long after that. I wanted to give him the drawing I had made for him. He didn't return my call.
Here I ask myself why I would continue to wonder why he didn't return my call.
Eventually I was able to reach him on the phone. I said that I would like to walk with him again. He said he would like that, too, but that he was busy. He didn't say, "I will call you when I am not so busy."
I refrained from calling him again.
About a week ago, I looked once again at the drawing I made for him and made a decision to mail it to him as a letting-go gesture. I had made a promise. I wanted to keep my promise. I also wanted to be free. I didn't want to destroy the drawing. It was made with love. It is a beautiful drawing. I put it in a photo mailer with a note wishing him well. On the outside of the photo mailer I wrote: "Letting go and letting God."
I took the photo mailer to the post office, stood in line, and let it go, letting him go, too, and felt tremendous freedom and relief!!!! From there, I continued on my errands for the day. I drove to the grocery store and as I got out of my car, THERE HE WAS.
Given that I have not talked to him in person since early November, this was an astounding coincidence. I need to wrap this up. Needless to say, the interaction I had with him made it absolutely clear that I have every reason in the world to let him go. He was polite but distant. The universe asked me once again, "Are you absolutely ready to let go of this man?"
The answer is "YES."
For my own growth, I needed to have this experience of opening my heart, feeling the pain of holding on to someone who wasn't there for me, and finally letting go and feeling the freedom to go on with my good life in the company of other women who are learning and growing. We are all worthy of love!
Thanks for sharing, Ella. And for being such an open soul. Sharing our stories helps so much - both for ourselves and others who recognize them as their own. It's through these times when we feel our power that we dare to do what we otherwise might not, that we find more of what we needed to see what we now can clearly SEE!
Jane, you are looking beautiful-er and beautiful-er each day. Thank you so much. Yes, I agree - the bigger picture is can Jude trust his answer.
It is soooooooooooo amazing to me how (talking to myself) we readily condition ourselves to accept crumbs from men.
What healthy relationship is there when we can cannot trust and believe what the person is saying ? And a relationship of building a life together to 1 of the most important I believe so it is critical and it has an excellent foundation.
I think you should text him and also see what he says - AND NOT KID YOURSELF - trust your instincts - even it it turns out to make you uncomfortable - now might NOT be the time to deal with it - Be truthful to yourself nonetheless. You will deal with it when you are ready to handle it and not a moment sooner. We want to protect ourselves so mull it over, pray, cry, think about and see just want you are going to do about this relationship - because you are in control and as long as you have this person in your life, you may be blocking the way for your real true love to enter.
mmmm I guess. i think. i knw !!
xoxoxoxo
Aren't you sweet, Alasha! Thank you, my beautiful sister. And for your comments here. So many crumbs, we are conditioned so well - until the very moment we're not. Takes more than crumbs for my beautiful ones here!
I'm not sure about reaching out if you haven't heard from him that's a serious red flag. Guys that are seriously interested show it & step up to the plate. Meaning you hear from them and you know their interested!!
I think if you follow Janes model in having a full life and other potential male options you wouldn't need to put this much thought into it and you wouldn't need to message him because you would be distracted with other things meanwhile giving you the time to see the writing on the wall. And I am sure in the back of your mind you would be annoyed by this behaviour. My opinion is you are most likely wasting your time with this guy....I would start getting my foot & my heart in another direction. Let's face it...none of us have time to waste & you need to protect your heart at the same time!! You need to see your own value & realize it's his loss.
You nailed this one, Corlena. Thanks for being here and adding to the conversation!
She's putting him on a pedestal. Looking into why, into why she's making too much of his silence about her and her worth would be much more important than trying to figure out whether she should contact him or not. Without any details, if this guy is someone she just met, she's already gotten two important bits of information: 1. He doesn't seem too interested (which is ok, if he doesn't know her anyway) and 2. He doesn't honor his word.
Personally, I would keep an eye on that without saying anything nor reaching out. But reaching out is not going to change anything if he's actually someone who wants to be with her the way she needs him to be.
I'm a widow of 68 & my on off twice divorced 'bf' is 70.
He has had an ex gf in the background during the 2+ years we've known eachother.
1st red flag was he broke up with me after 6 weeks and we have been on & off during these 2 years. We were very physically attracted to eachother from the go (which is another bad sign).
Anyway, the latest hurtful act was I found out he'd had a socially distanced gathering on a field and he admitted his previous gf was invited and not me! This was after I had given him.a good reference for a flat he has started renting, which conpletely coincidentally happens to be right next door to my son! My son knows this man's history with me and doesn't like him, even though they haven't met...so far!
So bf moved into this flat 2 days ago (I was away for the weekend and didn't offer to help much). This morning I phoned him, as I wanted to know how the move went and I hadn't heard from him for 5 days.
He didn't pick up the WhatsApp call but texted soon after to say he was in the shower and surrounded by boxes. He said he would call back later,but I'm not holding my breath!
I texted that I found it awkward having my son next door to him (intimidating that maybe my son has seen and heard a woman on his flat).
I just want to put it out there that he can't hide his two-timing from me. I just don't trust him and am deeply hurt at the way I've allowed him to treat me. He's like a drug i can't kick.
We do actually have alot in common- same background, religion and we share art together. I paint and he's a cartoonist.
So sad that he can't see my worth and is sabotaging our friendship through his weak character.