Just for a moment, I want you to forget about everything you think you know about what a real, healthy relationship feels like.
We’ve got a problem here, because we think we know, but the reality is, we don’t. We can’t. Not when we’ve been where we’ve been and gone through what we’ve gone through. Not when our relationship gauge is up when it’s supposed to be down.
If I’ve lost you here, stay with me for a minute and picture a compass.
It’s going to automatically point north because of the magnet in there. Now imagine your relationship radar as a compass (you know where I’m going with this.) It’s pointing south (or east, or west), not north.
And it’s OK. It’s not your fault.
We’re going to help you get your compass pointing north on its own so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when you’re automatic magnetic attraction points you in the opposite direction. The south instead of north which is where you really want to be.
And it is a magnetic attraction, I know. I’ve been there before and I know how strong that pull can be.
Yes, that pull is real. And strong. And hard to resist.
Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a real relationship that makes us (I want you to get this part, so I'm going to spell it out for you) H-A-P-P-Y.
Yes! Happy!
Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?
I know some of us have never known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about isn’t the kind where when he finally shows up at our door or calls after we’ve had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind.
That’s the kind where we’ve been so low that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we’re happy.
But is that really happiness? Are we really happy in this relationship or is it just that we’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling him caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, that we stat to think that's what being happy is.
I know. This is tough. I’m with you.
It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we’ve had for so long (read, denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about, even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out to us.
I get that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change and turnaround by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, or whatever your “enough” happens to be!
But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be!
We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go.
People in healthy authentic relationships want to be together. A lot.
Not obsessively so, either. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does. It’s not supposed to be complicated.
Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him.
Mutual. Together. Easy.
Those are the words you’re looking for. Especially easy.
It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with drama and high and low extremes and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama…do you see a theme here?
That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means.
I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly.
It means your guy’s unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you. You’d be out of there.
And that’s the point. You’d be out of there.
You deserve to be happy, Beautiful. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.
A real relationship is about real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him. Equally. Not everyday equally, or anything that resembles score keeping, just naturally it’s equal over the course of time because you both are who you are right now and don’t need to be in the relationship, it’s just genuinely where you both want to be.
And that’s the difference girls.
There’s no “Should I call, or should I not call?” No “Should I wait until it’s been ten hours, fifteen minutes, or whatever your ideal time limit feels like it should be, and then call ? Or should I wait two days and then call?"
You just call if you want to call and he calls if he wants to call. No second guessing or mind reading required.
And here’s the most important part of all: if it’s not a good time to call and he’s busy or the call doesn’t go well because he’s in the middle of something or you get sent right to his voicemail, it won’t matter! Not at all.
That’s what I want for you, Beautiful. Something real. Someone real. Don’t settle for anything less and you won’t have to.
No, it’s not a cliché. It’s how we get there, it’s how we find the happiest real relationship we’ve ever been in before. Don’t ever believe that it’s somehow no meant for you or not in the cards for someone like you.
It’s the only kind of relationship worth being in. And the only kind for someone exactly like you!
Are you feeling this, Beautiful? What does the feeling of happy in a relationship conjure up for you? What would it feel like to be happy, instead of what you’re feeling right now? Go there. Go all in. Let’s do more than just imagine what happy looks and feels like to you. Tell me all about it in the comments below and then let’s start living in that place and nowhere else.
You don’t just deserve it, it’s what you were made for!
I remember listening to the radio and hearing the song, "You Can't Hurry Love," when I was 16 years old. Now, at age 67, I feel the strength and self-esteem that I was born with coming back because of what I've learned here at Getting To True Love and I can hear, in a way I've never heard before, the Supremes singing. Funny how I suddenly heard this song in my mind this morning!
"When I feel my strength, yeah, it's almost gone
I remember mama said ...
You can't hurry love
No you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take ..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6MQrdfj638
Although I can't hurry love, I don't have to wait for a man to complete my life either.
I have learned so much here about finding out who I am and loving myself and my life.
Love has not come easy for me, that's for sure, and that's because I didn't understand that if there is no give and take, there is no relationship.
I'd update the lyrics to:
"... She said love don't come easy
Until there is give and take ..."
All days, new days!
Love these songs in our past that take on new meaning in the present! Thanks for sharing, Ella. All days, new days!
Jane, I just want to say thank you and those who shared stories through comments. This struck pretty hard as I look back and realize what unhealthy and unhappy relationships I have been in, what that really is. It took hard work and every ounce of my being to break bad patterns of choosing wrong relationships. That energy is now given to me and the love I have surrounded myself with, building my healthy relationship with myself. And because of that, I have met the man of my dreams and as you mentioned above, it's easy in the sense of our love is given freely to each other. There are no rules or worries when not to call, how much you can hangout etc. It's just pure joy and being happy two people can be themselves with each other, accept each other and grow together. I hope anyone who has struggled with this as I have find true happiness, with themselves and a partner that is worthy of them!
Oh Me, I'm so happy for you! Thank you so much for sharing your story and inspiring us all!
I'm starting to believe that this whole thing just isn't meant for me. I guess some people just don't get what they want in life, some people just end up alone and I have to accept it..
I feel the same way, Anna. I'm proven wrong every time I start hoping that maybe there's someone out there for me.
Don't hope, Just believe and try and really enjoy each day of your life. They are there.
If all women are not the same, nor are all men.
I pray you both find what you're looking for soon. I pray you're hope is fulfilled.
oh Anna, I hear you. I so hear where you're coming from. Don't ever believe this. It's not true. We don't EVER have to accept a fate that isn't ours. Don't buy into that kind of programming, no matter how strong it feels sometimes, or even most of the time, or even all the time. There's something more here for you, for every one of us. I know I've said this before but love could never, ever be so cruel to give you a heart like yours without someone to share it with. Find the tears, find the soft place deep within you that still believes, that still holds out hope. There's something here for you, and it's not just acceptance of a fate that you have no control over. Your power's in there somewhere, find it. When you find that again, you'll find that and so much more!
I'm sorry about the three same comments. The website didn't upload my comment and so I thought it hadn't worked and I tried again. 🙂
No problem, Judith. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you!
Your article is so great. I love it. – I know this when I just want to be right and defend it so much in my brain and behavior, that he's the one I'm meant to be with that will finally make me happy. And I close myself to everything my family and friends tells me. And they all tell me the same thing. And I don't want to hear it and still want to be different. But I see now that it does not at all get me where I want to be. Not at all! I'm not happy there. And I miss out on creating the life I truly want. It's more work. Way more work. And I'm scared of the work sometimes. Sometimes I can feel the fun too. And I know the feeling is much deeper than anything I can have based on an idea of my life. I can feel the joy I have when I create the life I want.
I know this when I just want to be right and defend it so much in my brain and behavior, that he's the one I'm meant to be with that will finally make me happy. And I close myself to everything my family and friends tells me. And they all tell me the same thing. And I don't want to hear it and still want to be different. But I see now that it does not at all get me where I want to be. Not at all! I'm not happy there. And I miss out on creating the life I truly want. It's more work. Way more work. And I'm scared of the work sometimes. Sometimes I can feel the fun too. And I know the feeling is much deeper than anything I can have based on an idea of my life. I can feel the joy I have when I create the life I want.
– Your words have helped and help me stay on track. Thank you so much Jane!
I know this when I just want to be right and defend it so much in my brain and behavior, that he's the one I'm meant to be with that will finally make me happy. And I close myself to everything my family and friends tells me. And they all tell me the same thing. And I don't want to hear it and still want to be different. But I see now that it does not at all get me where I want to be. Not at all! I'm not happy there. And I miss out on creating the life I truly want. It's more work. Way more work. And I'm scared of the work sometimes. Sometimes I can feel the fun too. And I know the feeling is much deeper than anything I can have based on an idea of my life. I can feel the joy I have when I create the life I want.
– Your words have helped me stay on track. Thank you so much Jane!
You can't have an unhealthy man and an unhealthy relationship and expect to be healthy... OMG this hit me so hard, I just ended a 2 and half year on/off relationship with a very "unhealthy" man, but this time feels different- like it's really over. I have gone through my own personal growth and life lessons during this time, while he continues to decline in his mental health. I couldn't figure out why he blew off our plans this last time and that was enough for me. Took me a few days to figure it out, but when he wants to stay in his depression bubble, it can't feel comfortable to watch your beautiful and brilliant girlfriend climb her ladder and grow like a strong flower.
He can't love me when he can't love himself. He can't give me what I need when he can't give himself what he needs. Thanks Jane, you've been instrumental while I find myself again.
So glad this resonated with you, Linds. Your discovery here is right on, he so clearly isn't capable of seeing you from where he is right now. Heartbreaking but oh so true. You knew!
I loved this article you wrote Jane. The only happiness I got from my past relationship was him finally calling me after disappearing for days. It was more of relief that he still wanted me then being happy. To be honest, I've never been truly happy in a relationship. All my past relationships seemed complicated. I know the reason why now and I'm finally know what to truly look for in a man. I'm looking forward to having an easy non complicated relationship with a man who loves me for me. No more second guessing or wondering about things. Thanks Jane for your insight and wisdom. After taking your class, I feel like I finally realized my dating patterns and put a stop to it. I can't wait to tell you when I met the uncomplicated man who loves me for me.
Aw, thank you, Nett. I can't wait either! And you have no idea how glad I am that this has become so clear for you. Keep me posted! 🙂
I find what deceives me is the first few months when the men to whom I am attracted, give me their fraudulent facade. A year later, I am loving but a shadow of the other man - in other words, real Jekyll and Hyde types. I wish I could be more discerning and recognize the warning signs in those first few months.
Now that you know this about yourself, Shaun, you can take it especially slow in the beginning. Make sure his actions and behavior are consistent with his words. Look for proof that he is who he says who he is and does what he says he's going to do. Keep it light. Don't give any part of yourself away until you have all the information you need to know he's worth it! Because you're worth it, Shaun. Remember that. Take anyone down off that pedestal and remember that he is your equal, too!
It's funny. I've never been in a relationship, but the awful stuff you describe here is not at all unfamiliar to me. The waiting, the hoping, the longing, the bending over backwards, the anguish, the crumbs. Yep. I know all about it and I must say... To heck with that. I've slowly become better at discerning and moving along. The odd thing is, it's still annoying out there for me.
Three weeks ago I met someone out of the blue. I was at the party talking to a woman I just met that day, minding my own business, and then the guy just started dancing. Long story short, we went out for like three weeks. Behavior was good on his part, getting in touch every day, asking to see me, etc. I was positively surprised because that was a first in my experience with men. So I thought, maybe this time it could work and I'll take this opportunity to just be who I am and be genuine. After this past weekend, all I've gotten is crickets. It stings. I'm disappointed and upset because frankly, I was already feeling fine with the prospect of being alone possibly for good. I was comfortable already with the realization that the likelihood of meeting a man who is self-aware, who is into social justice like me and who calls out his own sexism and stuff... While being fully compatible with me, is just close to zero. And then this happens.
I wasn't exactly falling or anything, but I was hopeful. Never mind that, I see.
I am a bit upset with myself for allowing this person in in a way. I am upset that I have to go through these annoying, crappy feelings, again, when I was doing a great job of accepting singledom as a permanent state. Ugh. Is there no end?
Omg, my dear I get it. I was pursued for 2months and I finally decided to date and after 4 dates, which were wonderful, I was dumped in an email. I'm too vivacious and complex. I've cried a river overnight, again. I hate being in this crappy place again 🙁
That really sucks, Antonia. I understand perfectly how we get into finding ourselves flawed because of this, but vivacious and complex are wonderful things to be and no man gets to dictate how much that's worth. I know right now you're hurting, and feeling your feelings is fine. Little by little you'll pick yourself up. Hugs.
But oh Antonia, you can NEVER be "too vivacious and complex" for someone who's truly right for you!
Yes, there's an end. Angel, but it's more like a beginning instead. It almost always happens like this, right in the middle of our coming to terms with whatever terms we've decided on for ourselves. And almost always because we do want more, we still have hope, we still want to be hopeful. What if you don't have to protect yourself as much as you do? What if none of these need to be all or nothing right now, but simply people we meet along the way? I know it's not what you want, what any of us want, but what if just experiencing something different, someone different, was as important as anything else right now?
Thank you, Jane for always responding when I'm drowning in anger and pain. It's been four days of crickets and I feel more or less better. It helps that I kept my eyes open all the way through and didn't get all silly like I used to. I still feel disappointed, but I'll be alright. I've been alone my whole life and I've been through worse. This is definitely nothing.
I see the wisdom in that. There are many many people out there and because I don't live on a deserted island, I'm bound to meet them but it doesn't mean much. They come and go. I think what I can take from this experience so far is that it is possible for me to keep my eyes and ears open, and I realize that I am indeed finding men who are somewhat different from the pattern in a sense, even if they turn out disappointing just like the past ones. I guess this makes me even more aware that just because the guy seems to be interested, contacts and calls, it just doesn't mean anything. This was a new one for me, as I have never been approached and contacted on a daily by anyone. So, I guess there's that.
It'll be a while before I feel entirely at peace again, but I've been sobered.