We’re told we’re strong if we just cut our losses and walk away.
Go “no-contact”, we’re told, and we’ll feel better faster.
They’ve heard enough from us. These people who love us and only want the best for us, can’t understand why we would put ourselves through this even one moment more.
And so, with heavy hearts, but a strong resolve, we say goodbye, we shut the door, and we finally let go and move on.
We don’t answer their calls or texts. We block them on social media. We block their number.
We strengthen our resolve with calls to our girlfriends who remind us just how much better off we are without them.
And then we leave them all in their happy relationships and we go back home alone, to our own empty, dark, lonely homes.
No one left a light on for us.
We stumble through the door and it's only then, as we press it firmly closed behind us, that the tears begin to flow.
We don’t want to just walk away.
We don’t want to have to go "no contact."
We just want it back the way it was.
So, Beautiful. Don’t. Just don’t.
Don’t do anything that doesn’t resonate with your own heart and soul.
Come out from behind that door. Come out with your beautiful heart on your sleeve.
This is your life, not theirs.
No more listening to what someone else tells you to do.
No more taking your cues from someone else.
No more following a set of rules.
You know far more in your heart of hearts about what’s best for you than anyone else outside of you.
But to get to that wellspring of knowledge, to tap into the power of all that you know to be your own truth, you need to have a path to get there, and to know what to look for.
Because simply letting go and moving on before you’re ready to, only leaves you with regret. Huge regret!
But instead, doing your own work within a relationship, even within a semblance of a relationship, gives you a chance to feel like you gave it all you could, that you gave it your best shot.
Because most of you that I work with and hear from aren’t ready to just walk away. You come here for something different, and it’s something different that I give you in the form of a glimpse into your own heart. It's something I know more than just a thing or two about.
Who you’re attracted to, who you’re drawn to, has everything to do with what your programmed to believe about yourself, about men, about your relationship with men, and about love.
Everything.
Give yourself a different backstory, and you’ll find yourself attracted to someone completely different. And the same goes for him.
So when you look at that part, you see that it’s not so much about this man who holds such power over you who you can’t bear the thought of being without, but instead, it becomes about who he represents. Suddenly, it doesn't feel so personal.
And that makes all the difference in the world!
Because it’s also not as much about you, as much as it’s who you represent to him. Now that you know the dynamic you’re dealing with, you can figure out the next part. The relational piece.
This is the part that answers the question “why him?” without a doubt!
I know we talk about this a lot on the site. Has following the "no-contact" rule worked for you? Has it not worked? Share your thoughts and experiences with this below in the comments!
No contact yes all over Google for breakup advice. If he has been mean, disrespectful and can't show up when you need him most to love you and stop the hurt, then I think he's basically not that into me. A man who wants to be with a woman will be with her! I have to step down it's always me contacting after HE breaks up with me..nothing changes and he blames me when he breaks up again. Same pattern over and over, it hurts - it's hard but if he can't stop breaking up and making an effort I'm the only one serious and putting into the relationship. Every time he gets to be vulnerable face a challenge he can't do it. He commits by words then actions don't follow through. So hurts me over and over..Theres nothing to say..hes the one leaving - he needs to take action not me. It's so hard when you just want to see your loved one everyday, surely he will come if he wanted to. I'm going NC to keep my self respect, it's not up to me to mend this anymore I have done enough! We were broke up valentines day last year, sucks too much!!! Hope that he heals his emotional mucked upness so he can open his heart and have true love like he wants. But it is not about all that one side can get.
This is exactly what I've been and am going through. I went into no contact for a few months and we did end up talking for a little while. I guess my response came out interpreted as a joke or was too light hearted/not serious, maybe he thought I didn't like him and he didn't respond for almost 3 weeks which I presume is him doing no contact or moving on. I don't know if he'll ever say anything but I do know that I don't regret it. If I had to live life thinking what if I said hello x amount of years ago, that would haunt me.
Exactly, Diana. There's something to be said about living a life with no regrets - and not taking on what is never ours to own.
I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years until this past January he went to El Salvador for a family vacation he met some girl in El Salvador came back and was acting completely different I come to find out he fell in love with this girl I was so full of pain & anger that I ended up messaging her it was a huge drama and at the end he ended up blocking me off social media we still kept contact and we still where intimate while he was talking to this other girl until recently I discovers she's comming down her for vacation and well he told me to leave him alone and not wait for him because things might get serious its day 2 of the no contact and I wake up feeling empty and alone and just sad I can't talk to no one cause am not there yet I feel alone and just devastated he says he loves but still chose her, he said if god wants us together he will put us back together and tbh I know in my heart we are over and done with as much as I wanna hang to hope! My thing is how could he do this to me and why?! Like why 🙁 am so heart broken how can someone walk away from 7 years and initiate a new relationship but I know this summer and next couple of months is going to be hard Idk someone help?
Hi Danielle, I just fell out of a 6 years relationship after my ex returned from a work trip and confessed to me that he liked a girl whom he met there.
He also pointed out to me that there were days when he felt like he didn’t love me as a lover, but only as someone close and dear to him. But he has never communicated this to me until this happened.
I can completely relate to your pain, I tried to stick with him, on and off, for 3 months. We actually got back officially for 3 weeks because I wanted a second chance, but I eventually said my goodbye because it was obvious that he was extremely distant.
I have my fair share of mistakes, temper, patience, and I’m basically not an outgoing person whereas he’s the complete opposite: nice, friendly, outgoing, attractive, healthy self esteem! Haha! So I blamed myself A LOT because I felt like I caused him to lose the attraction/connection towards us. But you know, I went through a lot of positive changes for him. So yeah, I’ve been dealing with a whirlwind of emotions since the separation and today is the 15th day since I established no contact.
I wonder how you are doing now, 2 years after this ordeal. I hope you’re happier and you’ve found a good man who will never walk out on you:
The no contact.. Have not worked for me. It drives me crazy ,wondering if he is ever going to call or text. But,I try to be strong,and in between waiting,I start to find my self again..then I realize I deserve better . If a guy can do a disappearing act ..I am not going to lie yes it hurts but he really is not me.Especially if it take more than two weeks to reconnect...
I have tried the no contact rule, but I have never been able to last longer than a week and than I brake down and call him and start the contact all over again. I do want to get help with this relationship to see if it will work out. We have been in the relationship for 5 years and we are committed to each other but I want marriage and he don't and trying to walk away just has not worked. I always start to miss him way too, much and show back up.
Thanks Jane
I've only done it twice, but it never has worked to "get a guy back." I think because those were both Mr. Wrongs!
What it works for, I think, is that --if you don't contact him--you don't feel as if you are chasing him and are not sort of humiliated if you call him and he is either non-responsive or is an ass. And you don't give him the satisfaction that you are "crawling back" to him.
That being said, it can also be easier to let him go if you DO contact him and he doesn't respond or if he is a jerk to you--rather than wondering endlessly what he is thinking and if he is missing you like you are missing him.
"... rather than wondering endlessly what he is thinking and if he is missing you like you are missing him." Exactly, Sue! And I think so, too!
I'm with you, Sue! I always ask my friends for advice, and they all say not to make any contact, "you can do better", "he's not worth it", etc. They don't understand that I'm the type of person who can't just forget about things; I need to make contact sometimes, especially if I have questions, before I can really get over it!
So glad to see there are more people out there who get what this is like, and I wish more people would just say "do what feels right for you", instead of telling people what they should do.
Just what I needed to give some thought to today.
I don't know exactly what "no contact" means today but my experience with what I would call "no contact" begins way back in 1974. About 2 years after a devastating "first love" experience with the man I met when we were both 17 years old and who was drafted and spent a year in Vietnam and having the relationship end in violence when we were 21 years old, I had met a man (also the same age I was) who seemed "safe." I was not in love with him, but I knew that he wouldn't hit me and that he was financially secure. We soon moved from the West Coast to the East Coast, although we were not married at the time. I thought that giving myself little or no possibility of contact with my first love was going to heal my wounds.
It didn't.
As I've been learning here at Jane's blog, that man I met when I was 17 represented something to me that I wasn't ready or able to let go of. After I married the "safe" man, I felt free to contact the "unsafe" man and pursue a "friendship" with him. He was also in a new relationship and had married. Neither of our marriages lasted and neither resulted in children. Neither of us married again after our divorces. We lived 1000 miles away from each other.
Over the years, I changed my phone number, my address, my name (!) in hopes of letting him go, in hopes of severing contact. But there were always moments where I felt that I just HAD to contact him. Then I made a vow that I would not contact him, but that it was okay to contact his mother or sister. Eventually, I had to make another vow not to contact his mother or sister. As the last years of his life approached, his sister found a way of contacting me, knowing that he wanted contact with me because he had a terminal diagnosis of lung cancer. We were in touch for about 9 months and then I had to go to "no contact" again because he began using drugs and alcohol as soon as his cancer went into remission. About 5 months later, I called him and realized my mistake in doing that. I was able to not contact him and not answer when he wrote a disturbing letter a few years later. By that time, it appeared that he had brain damage. My counselor said that it was the kind of letter someone would write from a psychiatric unit before being stabilized. I was strongly advised to continue "no contact," as I had been advised so many times before. A few months before he died, I could not stop myself from contacting his sister. It turned out that he had had a brainstem stroke a few months previously as a result of drinking, had been in a coma for two weeks and was permanently living in VA hospital. She said that he would love to hear from me. We had brief contact through letters and I would leave phone messages with nurses and chaplains and then I became frightened of him again (based on my fears from the past) and told him that I loved him but that I couldn't be in contact with him. Just before he died, I made the decision to drive 1000 miles to see him before he died. He stayed conscious until I said goodbye to him.
I know I keep telling this story from different angles. Each time I write about this, I find more clarity. Clearly, he represented to me something far beyond who he was. There was something about him that I thought I couldn't survive without -- probably the way a child could not survive without at least one parent or adult to depend on physically and emotionally.
The healing that I was seeking as all those years went by is finally happening. Now, 9 years after the death of that man I met when we were 17, I have been able to see clearly that the man who came into my life last spring was emotionally unavailable from the start. I am so relieved to have found this website only a few weeks into that one-sided relationship. I knew something was wrong from the start. A MIRACLE!
I no longer need someone to allow me to continue my sad and futile search for someone who could make up for what my parents couldn't give me. I have changed. I have grown up. I made some mistakes this time around in what was a "non-relationship," but those mistakes were not the end of the world, and I learned from them. They were minor compared to my past mistakes.
I can give myself the love I was looking for someone else to give me.
In the last week, I had two dreams, one involving the man I met when I was 17, and the second involving the man who came into my life last spring and soon disappeared emotionally. In the first dream, it was clear that the man I had been unable to let go of had died and that we had both found peace with ourselves. In the second dream, the man I met last spring did his usual disappearing act. I wasn't at all surprised and went my own way for the rest of the dream. At the end of my dream, I was swimming in the darkness, but I could see light ahead.
In my dreams and in my life, I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was. No matter what happens, I know and will continue to know what is the healthy thing to do in relationships. My heart is open.
Thank you to Jane and everyone who participates in these conversations!
Oh, Ella, thank you for sharing this part of your journey. It's so inspiring to see the clarity that's becoming clearer and clearer for you as you walk through this. And when we give ourselves the love we were looking for someone else to provide, ironically, we find a love that matches our own in the eyes of someone who is finally capable of seeing what we've been looking at all along. Thank you for being you!
Thank you Jane. I broke off a 3 and a half year, unhealthy relationship just over 2 years ago and no contact works for me. Like ripping the plaster off quickly rather than slowly, you know?
It was difficult for quite a while because I would have married this guy. But it's so true that time has healed some of my wounds from being with him. I didn't contact him in all that time and, thankfully he didn't contact me. Until around 4 weeks ago...He left a couple of gifts at my door, knocked my door and ran away! I didn't realise it was him until I saw the bag the gifts were in. His work address is all over the bag.
I felt sick in the pit of my stomach and angry! How dare he do that and run away! I know he was expecting a thank you from me.....A slightly ajar door, again. But I couldn't do that to myself yet again. I know myself and I know he would have talked me round if I had contacted him in any way. So I didn't contact him and guess what? He didn't contact me again after that day anyway. His actions speak for themselves which is who he is, throws me a few crumbs then disappears. I did wonder "what if" he's changed, dealt with his issues, really does want to commit to me....Then realised he hasn't changed at all. We were never on the same page anyway, but I hoped in all these years with him that we'd end up on the same page. But we didn't, and I just felt more and more unhappy being with him.
I'm proud of myself for not contacting him and deleted my dating site accounts because I now realise I need to give myself all the love and attention I've always given to boyfriends over the years. I feel much happier within myself and maybe some day I will meet a lovely guy, but I'm in no rush. I like this feeling of contentment.
I'd say to the lovely women on here to take no contact one day at a time and even break it down further, an hour at a time of not contacting him. Believe me, it works and before you know it, 2 years goes by and you realise you stopped pining for him a long time ago anyway. Then, as happened to me, he might contact you out of the blue and stir up all your emotions again, but you will know, deep down, what's the right thing to do for YOU.
Love
Donna xxx
Thanks for sharing your experience, Donna. It's through all our shared experiences that we help each other. Love your expression of "this feeling of contentment." That's how you know!
How does this program work if I suspect my now xBF is on the spectrum of Aspergers? We were doing great. , then he moved out of state for work- a new construction project etc . He sends me an email to break up with me for no reason. I never saw this coming- I'm a mess. Robin
You've come to the right place. Thank you for bringing up Asperger's. It seems likely that the man who came into my life last spring has Asperger's. It also is possible that my father had Asperger's.
Also, I experienced a breakup in the past that came without any warning, but then the man continued to tried to engage with me on and off for the next five years. He even moved into a condominium two doors away from mine. I refused to engage with him at all after he did that. After initial breakup without warning, I was never able to fully trust him again, although in moments of weakness I engaged with him. I wish I had known what I have learned on this website. It's never to late to learn these things!
Oh Robin, my heart goes out to you. So hard when it comes without warning. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Whether you suspect Aspergers or something else, the program works by shifting your focus back to the one place where there's always hope - within you! Ironically, all our questions, all our "what should I do?" and "where do I go from here?" and "how to get out of this mess?" all become clear when we take back our own power back and begin to see ourselves for who we've always been, but who we may not have known before. We're right here with you, Robin. You're never, ever alone.
My ex boyfriend disappeared on me back in November. It's been hard for me the last few months. The strange thing about it was I never reached out to him to say what was happening or why he disappeared. I knew in my heart, I couldn't keep letting myself be treated that way anymore. Throughout my relationship with him, we would get close and then he would disappear for a few days. In these days I always wondered if I did something wrong or if he was mad at me. In the end I just got tired of chasing him. So I let go. The hardest thing I ever had to do. It's been hard the last few months. But having me not hear from him, has helped me tremendously. After taking your course, I realize why I was so attracted to him and why I let him treat me the way he did. I'm finally getting back to myself. No contact is good but very difficult. But I truly believe it's something that needs to be done to help the healing process.
Thanks for sharing, Nett. I'm sure it's been so hard. Aligning what we know in our hearts with that "maybe it'll be different this time" sense of hope we seem to have a never-ending supply of is no easy thing. But I'm so glad you found your way through and that my course helped you to understand the "why". Looking forward to finally getting to meet you this week! 🙂
Jane! I can't believe you just posted this! I've been following the no contact rule for 4 weeks, reading articles on a site that's only about what you need to do to get your ex boyfriend back, and asking them for advice in their comment section. But yesterday I realized this wasn't working for me, so I reached out to my ex and asked him exactly what I needed to know. He was immature and completely disrespectful, and I went from wondering how he felt about me, to being absolutely sure that I want nothing to do with this guy.
Can you imagine if I kept doing what this site told me? I'm so happy I stayed true to myself, although it makes me angry to see that someone I thought cared about me can talk to me the way he did. At least now I know who he really is.
The reason I'm so shocked is just a few minutes before you posted this, I wrote a new comment on this site I mentioned. Saying that their rules are probably great for someone who is willing to give it their all, and lose themselves in the process. And I hope other girls and women out there remember their own worth, before they start chasing after someone who left them and disrespects them, just like I did.
Thank you so much, Jane. You're truly incredible.
aw, thank you, Ellen. I'm so glad the timing of this article worked out for you! Sounds like you know a thing or two about what you needed. 🙂
It's interesting that going no contact became or came to be known as a rule. I never thought about it that way until I started reading the so called relationship advice.
I discovered no contact as it were, when I had my first and very worst experience with "being in love?" with a guy in my teens. It lasted 6 years. I spent 6 years of my formative years hanging around someone who was vicious towards me. It got so bad that I just dropped off his life and people we had in common without even thinking. I didn't think about anything back then. I just felt shell-shocked and hurt beyond repair and just that feeling alone drove me away from him and everyone without even saying a word. All I wanted was to be alone in my grief. I didn't talk to any friends. Come to think of it, I didn't even talk about it. I just cried myself to sleep every night and wandered around the city like a zombie when I wasn't studying and working feeling a loss for the next two years after that. And then rage is all I felt. I still do. I saw him a couple of times throughout the years, but I never so much as acknowledged his existence. Once, I was at an old friend's house, three years after I walked away. She was a friend we had in common. I was visiting her because I ran into her and he popped in that day. We were in her room chatting when we heard a knock. She answered the door but didn't come back so I waited with the TV on; then she came into the room all nervous and said "X is here". She didn't even know what to do in her own home! I just said "so?", she asked if it was ok if he came in and talked to her for a bit, I just said "girl, this is your house. Who am I to tell you who to let in? Do what you want. I'm fine". He came in and said hello. I never replied, never looked at him, just kept staring at the TV laying down on the bed. They talked for a while, I didn't even listen to their conversation. He tried to talk to me and I just kept ignoring him. After a while, he left. My friend and I resumed our chat and we never discussed what had just happened. It was just that bad.
I ran into him at a wedding some years later. Same thing.
Last time I heard from him was in 2009, 7 years after I walked. For some odd reason he called me... Most awkward conversation ever. I really didn't feel like talking and it showed. To this day, I still sort of hate him lol.
After the experience with him, things weren't as bad with other guys, but they were still painful experiences. It always ended up with me just picking up my dignity and not talking to them again, but if I ran into them, I was polite and kind. It just kind of became my go-to tool to regain my dignity and feel less ashamed. The only thing I regret is not having gone no contact sooner. I kind of let it get to a really bad place, to me breaking to a billion pieces when I could have just gotten the clue the first time and moved on quicker. I think I could have saved myself a world of emotional devastation and be much better able to function with men right now if I had gone no contact much much quicker than I did.
I know, right? A rule! Hearing you, Angel. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Sounds like you've uncovered my point here - that you do what works for you without worrying about what anyone else says you should do. They're not - and will never be - you!