The letter this week comes from one of our gorgeous readers, who has chosen to call herself "A". She's getting mixed signals from a guy at work, and she's asking herself "Is he into me or not?"
Here's her email:
So, I work with this man (think he's under 40, I'm 48). About 7 months ago we were at a mutual friends party and were dancing and being silly. I went to say something to him and he pulled me close, and it was then my tummy flipped and I realized I liked him.
So every time I saw him from then on at work he'd say hello and we held eye contact, so a few months on and it's clear we like each other. Then I bumped into him when we were out and we ended up having a kiss (he said afterwards he'd wanted to do that for ages) and swapping numbers.
After some texting back and forth we arrange to go to the cinema (my idea). I was really, really nervous but it went OK. Afterward we had a few pecks and he said about going out again, this time for a drink. Yay.
When I got home I text to say thanks and I'd had a good time and was looking forward to going for a drink and he said he was too.
So I text him later that week and said I was free over the weekend if he wanted to go for a drink.
He replied that, when he'd got home he was worried he was leading me on as going to the cinema felt to much like a date, and he didn't want to be dating anyone neither was he looking for a relationship, then went on to say he thought I was really hot and attractive and that's why he'd kissed me on both occasions and he'd happily go for a drink as he thinks it would be fun.
I stupidly replied he hadn't led me on (but clearly he had) a drink sounded like it would be fun and not to worry. The thing is I think he's maybe just not into me, I deleted his number in case I was tempted to text him.
This was 2 months ago and I've not heard from him.
When I've seen him at work he's been really nice and chatty and friendly and a few people have noticed him looking/staring at me. I can't seem to stop thinking about him and still get butterflies when I see him. I also have a feeling he could hurt me.
Sorry for rambling on. I really don't know what to do, I have tried forgetting him but it's not working very well!
Hope you can offer some advice.
- A
My Response:
Yes, I do have some advice for you, A. And some good news, too. There is something so powerful that you can do, A;
Believe him!
Those butterflies come from feeling anxious because your beautiful sensitive heart senses all those possibilities you feel. But it’s the imbalance of power that you feel more than anything else!
It feels so exciting because the possibility of bringing around a man who says he’s not looking for anything remotely close to a date but whose actions give us that glimmer of hope that he might be, is huge!
Unfortunately, the reality of that happening is actually so very slim, especially with how little you’ve really been able to experience with him.
Honestly, A, if this man can’t even go out with you on something that might remotely resemble a date because under no circumstances will he accept the responsibility that he may have led you on, there’s no way there’s anything more there for you.
This is the part that’s so important for us to remember.
The reason why we’re so confused is because we’re always going to be confused when there’s a disconnect between what we sense and what is real. We’re so good at sensing the possibilities, at seeing the potential of someone who’s telling us he’s not going there and making sure we understand this but who leaves something – anything – to give us hope that we can change this around.
I want to give you a new mantra.
We don’t pursue someone’s potential. We need more than what might be. We need something real, not an illusion.
And most of all, we believe someone’s words and actions more than what we want to believe.
More than anything else, A, I want you to take from this that you can trust yourself. The fact that you feel like he can hurt you IS your answer.
It’s so ironic that we feel confused because we sense his own confusion. We sense the mixed signals, however subtle they may be. We create a relationship – or at least something more than it is – based on what we feel could be.
Whenever we feel confused, we have to remember that someone who knows what he wants isn’t confused and doesn’t elicit confusion in us. Someone who’s only winging it, who isn’t looking for anything serious until the “right” woman comes along, plays right into our own story that we can become that “right” woman who brings him around simply by making ourselves into the essence of that woman.
The reality, instead, is that trying to become the essence of anything but who we are, only pushes him away further. He sees right through that simply because he IS that sensitive guy with so much potential!
So do yourself a favor here, A. Listen to what he told you.
Ask yourself if he’s giving you anything more than a mere response to your initiative. Ask yourself if he’s telling you he’s on the same page and looking for a real relationship by his words and action.
You know your own answer. You’ve got such an accurate read on this and if you can learn to trust yourself, you’ll always know the truth about him and anyone else!
Always!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our gorgeous friend "A"? Share them with us below in the comments!
Hi Jane - and thanks for this one too, resonated with me so much - online relationship for four months, this guy telling me how he was falling for me, etc, etc - making plans to come visit me - (we live some distance apart) - then suddenly about a month ago the excuses started. He was so busy with work in the run up to the holidays, moving house, and on and on - but he had time to go back on the dating site where we first met, and update his profile! Finally I had had enough just before Christmas and emailed him, asking him to be honest as to his feelings and where, if anywhere, he saw this going. Since then - totally MIA - not a word. I'm not surprised really - my gut told me this was going to happen - but what I am surprised about (and angry with myself for!) is being hurt and allowing him to fool me into thinking there was a future. Surely I should have learned some of these lessons by now (I am 53!) But I do wish guys would man up, and just say 'sorry, not into you'. Silence is no kind of an answer. Thanks again for your support and insights, a big help to so many of us.
So glad this one resonated with you, Gail. You've stumbled onto something huge - our gut. We always, always, know! And it's never too late! Give yourself a big hug. You've been through enough with being so hard on yourself, too.
Jane,
Wow! I'm so glad I found your website!
Your advice has truly resonated with me.
I reconnected with a guy from high school about 6 months ago who recently went thru a divorce after being married for 11 years. Things were going great until one day he just completely went MIA-- stopped calling/texting me and didn't respond to my messages (I only sent 2 because I didn't want to come across as obsessed, but still).
Well, he pops back up in my life a few weeks ago and relentlessly apologizes and says he was just in a really bad place with his recent divorce but that nothing excused the way he had treated me and promised that he would never go MIA like that again. He has been texting/calling me first since he came back into my life, and he's really been the ideal guy even sending me his work schedule so that I would know when he was off and free to FaceTime since we live so far apart. Basically, he sucked me back in only to disappear again on Friday night. I haven't heard a word from him since Friday evening.
I'm of course hurt (again) that he would do this to me again... assuming that his plan is of course to not call/text me. It just feels eerily similar to 6 months ago, and it makes my physically ill. I'm so mad at myself for letting him back into my life. I feel like I should have known better.
I don't know why I can't seem to find a nice guy that will actually treat me with respect. And I don't understand why he would go through all of this trouble and apologize like he did and make an effort if his plan was just to walk away again.
Ugh.
I'm just so disgusted with men.
But thanks to your articles... he won't even so much as get one text message from me this time asking if he's alive or if things are okay with him. I'm so done.
Welcome, Jane! I'm so glad you found your way here. It's a relief to be done. Listen to your body. That physically ill thing? It's your body telling you what you don't want to believe. But don't be mad at yourself. We always want to believe it's going to be different this time, and it's part of our journey. We have to do enough do-overs to be sure we're done. It's how our hearts work - and it's how we get to the really, really good stuff! (And no, he's not ALL men.)
Always listen to your doubts. If only I could take my own advice. I've been in your situation before and it went on because I only believed what he wanted me to believe. Actually we are still friends but that is something I have a difficult time with STILL every day and that is because I still remember everything that happened between us, but most important everything that did not happen between us...and it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks...most of the time. See, I still cant get over it because I am still around him. We do not have that same contact that we once had, but I know that if he really wanted to be with me, he would find a way...because after all, he found a way before when he started this whole thing. Yes, I blame myself, but he kissed me in a way, and charmed me in a way, that completely through me for a loop. And I, like many others, thought he really truly wanted me and loved me. So, there's my little story. Not something I am very proud of. It basically traumatized me. My advice is very much like the others here --- listen to your gut. It's always right. It may not make you feel like you are doing the right thing, but trust me, in the long run you are. I wish you the best.
God Speed. Love, Lora
Always! But as you say, Lora, it's so much harder to take our own advice. So much so. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it's hard, especially when he's still around. But the more we share, the more real what we know becomes. To us and everyone else. You're not alone!
people need to be more up front about their intentions and feelings. no one should be playing mind games or feeling like they are being played. no one should also be trying to read someone else's mind or feelings. it's hard to be with someone who can't communicate their true feelings
oh Diane, isn't it though?! And it's how we know exactly where we don't belong.
I experienced something like that before. The guy told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. At first he just wanted friendship then we went out for a drink (literally 1 drink), we paid separately and, that night he sent a text saying that he wanted more than a friendship with me. However, it turns out that all he wanted was sex.
You see, this man figured out that if some women are desperate enough, he can convince them that having sex with him would guarantee his commitment to a relationship. That hurt me the most with the whole situation because we had developed a bit of a friendship. I've learned though and that's something I won't do again.
I think some men know that we can be too trusting at times and all they need to do is give their word to get what they want, then, they either disappear or try to be that friend with benefits. We just have to protect our hearts a little more and realize how fragile we are and how much worth we truly have.
And you're worth so much more than that, Miss B. So glad you recognized what was going on!
"Ask yourself if he’s giving you anything more than a mere response to your initiative."
I've learned so much from this discussion. This is pretty much what happened to me in the last 7 months, although this man tried to get my attention for several years in the context of a community of friends we share.
The first time I saw him (25 years ago! We are 67 years old now!) in the context of our community of friends, I HAD THE SENSE THAT HE WAS SOMEONE WHO COULD HURT ME. I noticed him and felt attracted to him, but he didn't notice me. I knew enough about myself by then to distrust my attraction to edgy and angry men. I vowed to stay away from him. I trusted myself!
About 3 years ago, I was astonished when he began to approach me in a friendly and playful way. He didn't seem to be the edgy and angry man I had sensed that he was all those years ago. I engaged with him in conversation but did not let him get close to me.
In our community of friends, there is a lot of friendly hugging. About a year ago, he seemed to be singling me out for hugging. I began to look forward to his hugs and began to feel happy and relaxed whenever I saw him. He wasn't engaging me in conversation, just smiling and giving me a hug that felt affectionate.
Over a year ago, he took the initiative to invite me to a picnic organized by our community of friends. I had to work that day and declined his invitation. He didn't approach me again until last spring when he seemed to be very interested in getting to know me better. He then took the initiative to ask me if I would like to go to breakfast after our community of friends had gotten together one morning. I was ecstatic and accepted his invitation.
From then on, I became the one who took the initiative, and I began to feel confused by his seemingly positive response. What you wrote, is what happened:
"It’s so ironic that we feel confused because we sense his own confusion. We sense the mixed signals, however subtle they may be. We create a relationship – or at least something more than it is – based on what we feel could be."
I am a creative woman. That's for sure! I created a relationship based on his mere response to my initiative. He stopped taking the initiative when I finally responded to his initiative.
Ouch! That hurt, but I kept putting bigger and bigger Band-Aids on the hurt.
Although he continued to be playful, he also began to show the edgy and angry side I had noticed 25 years ago. That concerned me and confused me. That was a red flag, but I told myself that he was only being "open and honest" with me about who he is. I was only half listening! I was not trusting my gut feelings. I was listening to him but NOT listening to the part of me that I can trust to protect me from danger. He was telling me who he is. I was hurting but denying my hurt.
Then I woke up on the day before Thanksgiving when the hurt became too big for Band-Aids. He had called me a few days before to let me know that he was going to spend his Thanksgiving with his adult children and granddaughter, and he wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I had known all along that we wouldn't be spending Thanksgiving together but told myself that I was okay with that. I returned his call on the day before Thanksgiving, and it was then that I knew that I could no longer pretend that things were going to change between us in the way that I wanted them to change.
I didn't listen last spring when he said, "There is no one in my life more important to me than my children."
After not hearing from him since the day before Thanksgiving, he left a phone message for me on Christmas Eve. He said he "just" wanted to wish me a Happy Christmas and Happy New Year. The key word is "just." He said, "We'll talk another time."
I can hear him clearly now. I believe him. He didn't say he wanted to see me. He made the assumption that we will talk another time. He doesn't know that I have moved on. Or maybe he does.
Against my better judgement, I did try to return his call the next day, but he didn't answer and hasn't returned my call. I don't text, and his phone isn't set up to take messages.
If that isn't clear, I don't know what is.
His words and his actions are absolutely clear.
I have the power now to make my words and actions absolutely clear, too.
I trust myself! I am learning to use my creativity in ways that are good for me. I am a artist, after all. Thank you for your help as I go forward.
"She's got everything she needs, she's an artist, she don't look back."
(lyrics by Bob Dylan)
"I always have respected her for doing what she did and getting free."
(lyrics by Bob Dylan)
"If that isn't clear, I don't know what is." You've got this, Ella. There's no fast road to this realization for most of us. It's the long way or we have to do it all over again. Thanks for allowing us to walk through this with you. Those oversize band-aids are no stranger to the best of us and I'm sure there are many of us who were nodding are heads right along with you. Here's to us all seeing more clearly now!
I was with a guy last year who told me he wanted to settle down, was looking for the one, and had found it in me. He asked me to move in with him after just a few months, said he already knew I'd be his wife. I said it was too soon and we should wait. He said it didn't matter how long we waited he'd still be there. Our relationship was great, in every way.
Wow, 6 weeks later he pulled away and said he wasn't ready for a relationship! I had to cut off contact for my own good.
Over the past year he has text pretending he doesn't know who's number it is. Phoned saying the same. Messaged saying happy birthday. I finally caved and spoke to him. He was attentive, caring, complimentary. He came round with dinner and he was trying to snuggle up, asking for hugs, and tried to kiss me. All of which I rebuffed. And strangely enough, he's barely been in touch since. Even though he said he really wanted to be my friend and maybe in time build back up to a relationship at a speed he could handle.
He tried to play me imo, keep me hanging until he decided nothing better was coming. Had no regard for myour feelings, and no guilt over how he dumped me, just lies to try and get me back in the sack.
I am so done with men, most of them tell you what you want to hear to get what they want.
So if this man has all out said he doesn't even want a date, take him at his word. Move on.
"For my own good." Oh Nicola, it's what it comes down to so much of the time. Thanks for adding to the conversation with your own experience. And be so proud of yourself for being able to tell the difference!
Hear what he has told you, it's the truth. If he wanted to go out with you, he would have asked you by now. For years I thought I could win over a man who behaved like that. I couldn't work out how he couldn't like me as much as I liked him. I thought if I hung around long enough he would love me. I made millions of excuses for him. The sad reality was that he just wasn't into me. Finally I ended the four years of pain and took back my heart. Later I married a man who crossed the globe to be with me. It taught me that when a man wants to be with a woman he'll do anything to make it happen. It's not worth giving your heart for anything less. than that.
Exactly, Lilli. Nothing can stop someone who truly wants to be with you!