What do we have after the last of the Christmas gifts are unwrapped?
A new resolve. A new determination. Empowered by what we didn’t get but how we survived anyway, we’re emboldened to blaze a new trail and finally find what we missed or didn’t get with the passing of the old.
And so in this week between Christmas and the New Year, we’re filled with a time of reflection of what was and didn’t work and what will soon be the opportunity for everything to be fresh and new and different again.
For those of us without plans for the New Year, or at least New Year’s Eve, we scramble to start making some.
I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to DO something. I want MORE.
And the coming New Year with it’s New Year’s resolutions will give us that chance to do exactly that.
So it’s in this in-between time that I want to give you something to do right now to take that first step in that direction. I want you to look at what you’ve been doing. I want you to separate out your most prominent pattern.
That persistent way of thinking or being or doing that keeps sneaking up on you again and again to remind you of what needs to change.
Not in the accusing, judgmental way that has no mercy, no grace for the very much human work-in-progress every one of us is, but in the loving, compassionate, empathetic way that understands why you keep doing those same things, operating out of the same patterns, trying the same thing over and over again in just a differently disguised way.
The way that says, it’s OK, you’re human, let’s do this one step at a time, instead of “What’s wrong with you?” or "When are you ever going to learn?”
You can feel that difference.
And it’s the latter that keeps us stuck in our shame, always trying to be better than we were but out of shame not because of love. The former is what calls to us gently, compassionately, lovingly, to look at how we’re treating ourselves and what we’re doing to ourselves.
It's what calls us to question whether for this new clean slate we’re starting, do we want to create something new and different in our lives, more aligned with our goals and dreams, or do we simply want more of the same?
In a world with so many voices clamoring for our attention, I want to direct you to your own. That inner voice deep inside each one of us.
It's either louder or softer than all the rest depending on what outer voice it attaches itself to. We call it our own inner voice, but the truth is it’s very much a compilation of all the voices it’s collected over the years and has made into its own.
So if we hear judgement and shame and unworthiness, we can know it comes from a place where there was much judgement and shame and unworthiness within itself. But if it comes from a place of kindness and gentleness and love gently reminding us of why we deserve every good thing in life and why love is never only for the lucky and the few, we can know that it’s looking at us through eyes of love and not judgement.
Then we know it will be our guide we can trust.
Our next post is going to talk about where we go from here. Right now, I want you to simply understand where “here” is. As in, where are you right now?
It begins with the question: Are you happy with how things are going in your life? With your career, with your education, with your job, with your family, with your friends, with your finances, with love, with him?
Where are you on each of these?
Make a list. Start writing these things down. There’s something about writing this out, with real pen and paper, that makes everything clearer.
You can’t make any successful New Year’s resolutions if you’re not clear on where you are right now. Well, you can make them, but seeing them through is a whole other thing.
The good news? We always come to what we don’t want first, followed by what we do want. So if you have no clue where you want to go from here, but you know what you don’t want, you’re getting closer!
First we have to get clear on that part – the painful part of what we don’t want that keeps hurting us.
So where are you right now? Who’s treating you badly? What keeps happening that you don’t want to happen? What do you feel most out of control about? What’s scaring you? What keeps holding you back?
We’ll look at the why next post. For now, let’s just get clear on the current state of what’s going on in your life.
Hang in there, Beautiful. We’re going to walk through this together every step of the way this new year and all the way through. I’ve been here, and on the other side of it, too. That’s the part I’m going to get you to!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Can you see this? What's the next step in YOUR journey? Or if that's not clear yet - and don't worry, it's going to become very clear as we go along! - where are you right now? Share your story with us below in the comments!
Hi Jackie,
I'm really sorry to hear about what happened. It's so hard when we put all of our heart into someone that disappoints and hurts us in the end. I'm in the same boat as you, I'm taking Jane's class and I'm at the end of week one also. My boyfriend of 2.5 years disappeared on me about two and a half months ago. Looking back on things I saw all the red flags like after three months of an amazing relationship with him, he began to pull back and since that time, I kept trying to prove my worth to him. I did all the things that I thought a great girlfriend would do. He would feed me crumbs talking about a future life together, where we would live, having kids. All of these talks from him kept me hoping that one day he'll be ready to commit. He would also disappear for a few days in between dates. I felt like I was always chasing him, trying to make our relationship work, but in the end he disappeared and went back with his ex girlfriend. I'm happy that I stumbled on this site and after week one of the program, I feel a bit better. But just like you I sometimes get the I'm unworthy talk in my head. I'm trying to block it out. I need a change after two relationships with two different men with commitment issues, I'm done and a change needs to happen so I won't repeat the pattern. I wish you the best on your journey with the course. Keeping out fingers crossed for the both of us. Hang in there!
Nett, I think we were with the same guy, years removed. Which means, there's definitely hope! As for the unworthy talk, don't try to block it, but don't engage it. The harder we fight it, the more of our energy it takes. Notice it, acknowledge it, but then remind yourself it's another lie you've been programmed to believe. That doesn't mean it's true! And as you go deeper in the program, you'll find more on this - and more reasons to hope. I'm looking forward to meeting you at our one-on-one! We can compare notes. 🙂
I was married for 12 years and got divorced about 6 years ago. My ex and I grew apart and he ended up cheating on me. When we got married we wanted the same thing... A home, kids, a family life. We had all of that but in the end it really wasn't what he wanted. He is very selfish, narcissistic and did not want the responsibility of raising kids. I am much better without him. I met someone else about 1 1/2 years after I was divorced. He swept me off my feet. We were together for 2 1/2 years and he was everything I wanted but I was just not ready to get married as my kids were young. He moved into my home and his actions met his words. He had broken up with me twice at the very beginning of our relationship and I took him back both times. After that it was a relationship that seemed too good to be true. He had a history of cheating. I know, what was I thinking?! I noticed a change in him for a few weeks... He was quieter and not his funny self. I kept asking if anything was wrong and he assured me that nothing was wrong. One night I confronted him again and I said we needed to talk. Out of the blue he said that this isn't what he wanted in his life anymore. He said the famous, "It's not you." He suddenly wanted to travel more, didn't want to raise children. Mine were 10 and 11 and he was already with another woman for 3 1/2 years who had young teenagers. He left that night and a week later was on Facebook with his new girlfriend who travels to Florida and has a daughter in college and another in high school. I later found out that he sexted one of my friends while I was asleep on night. After he left I was absolutely devastated. It has been 2 years now but I still feel like I always get rejected and am just not good enough for anyone. I have dated other men and I get the same thing. They tell me I am an amazing person but it's just not what they want. I have now stopped dating and am working on myself. I have a beautiful home, am independent, have a good profession, have 2 great kids, no drama and have so much to offer someone. However, it still just doesn't seem to be enough! Everything you said, Jane, in your first video is everything I have said. I enjoy my life and have great family and friends but I still have days where I get in my "I'm not worthy" run and I want it to stop. I have made it through the first week of your program and am doing all the exercises. Praying that this pushes me forward and I can leave my past where it belongs and stop meeting the wrong guys.
You didn't get "rejected", Jackie; you were saved! Saved from the life you would have had with him that would have all been an illusion! Oh I'm so glad you're doing my program. You're going to find out the truth about rejection and why this is never, ever the case. It's never a matter of being good enough - you're always good enough! But when you're with the ones who can't see this or don't understand why it's not all on you to suddenly make them commitment-ready, it won't feel that way. It can't! But when you see that for what it is, when you get to the story behind the story that has you finding the ones you have - and has them finding you - you're onto something big. And that's when the really, really good stuff begins to happen and you see firsthand for your beautiful self that this was never a rejection of you; it was saving you from what you couldn't know or wouldn't believe at the time! Can't wait to talk to you at our one-on-one coaching session at the end of Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU!
I do want a different 2017... however I don't know what else to do... I am one of those who came here several times to talk about last crazy boyfriends and found a lot of support from eveyone. Now is different... I met a guy a month a go and he is too much of everything! We met only a month ago and he already name our children and knows the date of our wedding... If I describe him you would tell me he's all I could ask for. So why am I not that interested? I forgot to send a "good night" message last night and receive 15 msgs in 2h saying I didn't give him good night, I forgot him... I know he's kidding but is too much!! I've spent a long time crying for wrong men. Why am I not interested in the good one? What's wrong with me???
Give yourself a break, Anna. That is not exactly the behavior you want, nor a healthy one for that matter. You just met him, he doesn't know you and you don't know him. Take it very slowly because sometimes these men that are all over you without even knowing you that well come with their own particular set of problems that keep them from having a healthy relationship. I met one and although he is deep down a good person, he had tendencies that were unhealthy and freaked me out. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't read and learned so much these past few years. A month is too soon to start making plans. Just keep the wheel and steer it slowly. Wait and see and keep track of your feelings and his behavior too. Only time will show you if he is what you need or not.
Listen to your intuition. I was in a relationship with a sociopath but didn't realize it until I was emotionally destroyed. If it seems like it is too good to be true, it usually is. Tread slowly and cautiously. He seems to be in the fast lane.
Oh Anna, there's nothing wrong with you! Just because this one's the opposite of the last one doesn't mean he's it either. Give yourself a break. Take some time for you. If he can't handle you just the way you are - including forgetting to say "good night", that's not what you want either. Take a deep breath. Slow it down and try, really try, to date someone else as well so you're not in an either/or situation. You've gotten clarity on what you don't want; now you're getting clearer on what you do. Whether there's something more for you and him will reveal itself in time as you go along. But you don't have to be exclusive with anyone until you're ready. You set the pace. You decide. No pressure!
this time of year makes me remember how anxious and doubtful i was last year about an ex before he broke up with me a month after the 1 year anniversary. in some ways we both contributed in different ways the end but there's always two sides to a story. mourning seems like such a long drawn out process like it drag out for a year or so. I'm getting a little tired of this mulling feeling, I can't help but analyze. I'll start with self love and being nice to myself, I feel that we are our own harsh critic when it comes to over thinking about what went wrong in the past.
That's a great place to start, Diane, in fact, a great place to linger awhile. 🙂 And I don't know of any of us who can help but analyze. When it's behavior that's so opposite of how we would behave if we loved someone the way we do, we can't seem to stop ourselves. And somewhere in the analyzing and the search to understand why, we find what really matters.
yes! it's time to start living and breathing new air instead of the old. in retrospect if we are consumed with so much thinking it must mean that there's something wrong with the relationship. if it was naturally flowing well you could feel it in your gut and not be clouded by anxiety and constant worry.
I have been involved in something I should never have been. I located my first lover from 46 years ago(through the Internet). He has always been on my mind, wondering where and what he is doing. He was very excited to hear from me, told me he is divorced and has since been living with another woman for 35 years, but that this relationship is dead, without love/intimacy,etc. We started talking on the phone, e-mailing, etc. every day. He said she was filing for divorce, etc. and started making plans with me to meet. His dream was to go back to Mexico , to a place that he loved. We were to meet there. He wanted to spend a number of months there as he had the year before. He is an established artist and planned to again paint and teach there. I was so excited to be with him. Even his voice drove me crazy. This went on until his girlfriend saw the phone bill with all the incoming/outgoing calls. He was using a phone connected to her. Stupid! He got his own separate ,new number. Soon things went downhill-an up and down roller coaster. He said he didn't want to hurt her. He could call me, but not me to him. The plans for us to meet dwindled. He would tell me he loved me off and on. I became anxious, began to over-E-mail him, etc. He became short and annoyed with me. He also denied many things he confided in me, plans for us, etc. Things later improved with his girlfriend( now apparently the intimacy between them is stronger than ever) . He isn't kind to me and basically told me he used me, didn't realize what he was doing because he wasn't well(heart trouble,etc) . I had become totally addicted to him and still am, e-mailing, bugging him to call, which he rarely does. His e-mails are ew.....I realize he is a narcissist. Everybody admires him, tells him how gorgeous and talented he is at everything. The women have always fallen st his feet. He has even told me I am obsessed with him and should find somebody who is in love with me because he isn't. I have spent thousands of dollars in him re gifts, buying his paintings, etc. I am making a fool out of myself and can't seem to stop. This is on my mind 24/7 . I haven't slept basically since we re-connected 16 months ago. HELP!
Dear Janet,
I was in a similar situation, only he contacted me after 20 years and he too had a long standing live in girlfriend. Like you said, even his voice drove me crazy! I was previously married so when he contacted me after my divorce I thought it was meant to be. Only he led me on and strung me along for one year making all these promises. We never met in person, but I knew I deserved more than being second best! I finally realized that he never intended to leave his girlfriend and was only using me as an ego boost so I stopped obliging - cold turkey. I cut off all contact as much as it hurt me so. After going absolutely no contact and grieving the loss of an " imaginary relationship" he contacted me a year and a half later. Only he didn't realize that I was much stronger then. I never responded and since then feel a sense of pride in that he contacted me instead of the other way around and I was bound to no longer feed his ego. He too was the definite definition of a narcissist. Cut your losses, be strong and don't give him another thought. He is not worthy of you. It took me months to get over this but I swore that I would never again be attached to an emotionally unavailable man. He is vested in who he's with, not us.
Beautifully said, Ashley. Thank you for sharing your experience - and your way out - with Janet and all of us. If someone ever says, "I just don't want to hurt her", run. Run before that, but especially then. Before you can't recognize who's the one hurting.
What are you getting out of this, Janet? We do what we do for a reason. Always a reason. Underneath what shouldn't have been, lies what is. You're drawn to him for a reason that has nothing to do with him but everything to do with you. You can choose this! You get to choose! If you want this, if you want him, if you want your life to be like this, then make that choice and accept that this is what you choose for you. But if feel like you didn't choose this, if there's a part of you that can see that this is not what you choose for yourself, then allow yourself to make a different choice. There's no shame in accepting your feelings. But when we act on those feelings to the extent that we allow them to hurt us, that's when something has to give. You're not a fool; you're a woman who's getting something out of this that you're probably not even aware of. Find out what that is, and you'll be released from it. Take that beautiful love and attention and money and save it for someone who's deserving of you, who wants what you want with you, Janet. You deserve nothing less!