Will It Be Worth It?

Female hands holding a sand in form of the heart — Oh, it will be!

We don’t want to have to do anything. We just want it to work out.

We do everything we can to prove that we belong, that we’re in the right place, that he’s the right one for us. We play the part, we take on the role, we pour all our time and energy into making this our place.

Except that forcing something that isn’t meant to be forced - that doesn’t want to be forced - never works out in the end.

Because it can’t.

If we were already in the place that we’re going to come to, we’d recognize that we actually don’t want it to, either.

We’d see that we can’t be the only ones doing all the work. We’d see that we can’t be the only ones trying to make this all a fit. We’d see that what we’re doing is the farthest thing from love, from happiness, from what we want more than anything else in the world: to be loved for who we are.

The ones who we have to try so hard with can’t even see us for who we are, let alone love us for who we are. And yet that won’t ever keep us from trying. Because these are the ones who resemble the original ones we’re still trying to prove our worth to, to show them our worthiness of being loved for who we are.

What if we left it alone?

What if we allowed ourselves to see the reality that keeps showing us what’s really there, instead of the fantasy borne out of a potential that only we can see?

What if we said “No, thank you”, “No way”, and left all the programming behind that says we have to stay, we have to make it work, we have to keep trying, we have to perform - we have to show them – that this is where we belong?

What if we took our cues from how this feels – that deep down knowing that something isn’t right here – instead of pushing that intuitive part of ourselves aside to continue doing exactly the same thing in exactly the same place, in exactly the same way we’ve always done this before.

This.

This being on the begging end. This pleading. This trying so hard.

This giving away all our power because we’ve never learned how to own it in the first place.

We don’t want to be wrong. We don’t want to admit failure.

We don’t want to have to acknowledge that we couldn’t make someone love us, that we couldn’t be enough to turn this all around. That we couldn’t make a place for ourselves in a place that was never a place where we belonged.

How we wanted it to be!

If only it could have been. If only we could feel that sense of worthiness that someone finally saw us for who we were and made this place into one where we finally belonged.

But can’t you see, Beautiful?

That would mean they hold the key to your happiness, to your worthiness, to your access to the love you’ve been searching for. That would mean they can take it away or withhold it from you if that’s what they chose to do.

Where would that leave you?

Where you are right now. With so much to show, so much to prove.

What of this is about you holding your own, choosing what you want, doing what is in the best interest of you?

On the surface, it seems so much easier – so much less painful - to stay right where you are, to keep doing the same thing over and over again. Hoping one day, it will be different. Hoping one day, it will change. Wishing one day, he will change.

But it doesn’t work that way.

We’re not here to convince anyone of our worth. We’re not here to make anyone love us. They either do or they don’t. They see us or they only see what they want to see or what they’re capable of seeing because of their own lens they see through, not because of what we somehow lack.

I know you’re scared. I know you don’t want to have to. I understand more than you know.

I’ve never been one to choose change or growth gracefully, but always in the kicking and screaming, resisting kind of way.

But I’ve learned something from this fighting it. From this trying to keep doing what feels so comfortable that I’ve always done while being pushed into what I knew I had to go through to find my way.