The letter this week comes from beautiful Leah. She's wondering just how much time to give a guy when she's not feeling the chemistry, and she doesn't want to settle.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I bought your program "Why men pull away" and I found it very helpful, especially the "Why Him?" section, as I was really struggling to understand how he could just disappear after all the special moments we shared and all the things he said.
I couldn’t shake the thought that he didn’t see me as "special enough" but your words make a lot of sense and help me accept the idea that he did see me as special, it’s just he wasn’t ready for it and it scared him.
I also really liked your analogy on the "mirror": how what we miss the most from him is that part of us that we weren’t able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.
It just confirms what I already knew: that I need to work on my self-love and self-esteem so that I stop doubting that I am special.
The only bit I am struggling with is the part about giving guys we would never usually give a chance, a chance… It just sounds a bit like settling for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry, just because he is ready to commit and won’t hurt you.
I am all for giving nice guys a chance, my four longest relationship were with guys I initially didn’t feel attracted to, but that grew on me because we had great chemistry and I enjoyed spending time with them.
The first two had no commitment problems, the other two did.
I am now going through the painful process of dating again and the guy I had two dates with so far seems like a really nice guy, but the conversation is stalling and I’m just wondering if this is all there is to hope for: a nice guy with whom I can have "ok" conversations with.
And how do you know if you’ve given the guy enough of a chance and he’s just not the one?
Thanks,
Leah
My Response:
Oh Leah, there is so much more to hope for than just a nice guy who you can have “ok” conversations with! So much more!
This is the in-between. This is more of the mirror. This is more of you recognizing what you want – and what you don’t!
I’m so glad my program has resonated with you.
And this question you’re asking now, is so timely. This comes up so often in our conversations. We want to make this black and white, the extremes of all that intense chemistry and no substance – or commitment – to go along with it.
Or the other extreme, of the nice guy who’s almost nice to a fault with no sparks or butterflies at all. But there’s a middle ground that’s just waiting for us to discover it. Because for most, if not all of us, we have to dig for it.
It requires some growth within ourselves that we didn’t count on having to do. We resist it, because it’s easier to go with what we’re programmed with. After all, we’ve grown up in a place where that middle ground might as well not even exist.
First comes the most pressing lessons. The ones we learn first almost always involve the things that are the easiest to learn, but also the most painful.
Like what we don’t want. Like what we absolutely could never compromise on. But after that, after we’ve learned those ones and we can write out our list of “never agains!”, we come to the more complicated part.
The things we DO want.
Because it’s here we discover that so much of what we want is actually about what someone else told us we should want, someone else’s agenda for us. Who that someone is, can be eye-opening. But to simplify it down, it really doesn’t matter who or what has decided our must-have list; it only matters that we recognize it may not be our own.
If you make it that you’re going to settle for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry simply because he’s ready to commit and won’t hurt you, you’re absolutely going to feel that you’re settling! And then, you will be.
But change it up.
Look for that middle ground between the extremes. Look for the nice guy who you find kind of cute.
The reason why we struggle so much in this middle ground, is because our entire culture revolves around the extremes. Blockbuster movies and popular television shows and bestselling books don’t show us that middle ground; instead, they feature the extremes of the nice guy who always finishes last and the emotionally unavailable non-committal guy whose heart is melted by the love of a good woman who’s portrayed as the perfect heroine.
We see ourselves in her and we see our man in him.
It doesn’t matter that these are fictitious characters having fictitious relationships. That they've been written for a script that sells so well because it connects with that part of us that so wants to believe it will be true for us, too.
This is what is so ingrained in our hearts, in our psyches, in our minds. And this is why we don’t know how to find the in-between; it’s only these other two extremes that are so familiar to us.
Give yourself enough time to get to know him well enough to know that you can rule him out. Enough time to know that it’s not going to grow, that you’re not going to have any regrets for not giving him any longer.
This is your best litmus test; could you let him go now without regretting it down the road?
I met the man who would become my husband this way. I went from the worst experience/relationship (that I would later discover had been the ultimate mirror of what I had missed about myself even though I always thought it couldn’t get any worse), to the kindest, gentlest man I had ever met.
The two extremes were no accident. I had brought myself both.
I tried to enjoy being with someone who I could trust, who could see a future with me, who wanted to introduce me to his friends and family as soon I would allow it. Someone who was always there for me before I even said a word, who was so accommodating of me. I tried for over 3 months to live in the moment with him, not looking ahead, not looking back and comparing, but at just getting to know this man who was so different from who I was usually drawn to.
I went back and forth before I made my decision. I looked at what I’d be giving up in case I never found it again. I looked at where I’d been and what I’d been through. And I looked at whether I could see a real future for us. I took a long time to come to the decision to let him go to find someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved.
I realized I wasn’t her.
I had to separate out the picture of what my family and friends and the culture had given me of who would be my so-called perfect match. I had to find my match instead. I had to be aware of all the other influences, all the other voices that I was still trying to understand where they were coming from.
I had to find my voice. And you have to find yours.
It’s softer than the rest. It’s harder to hear. It gets drowned out so easily. But it’s that voice you have to listen to, Leah.
Start a new list with that voice that’s just now learning it has one. Put the qualities you’re most looking for in the long term at the top. Your list matters because it reflects what you see.
How much time you give someone is about finding out in every possible way exactly what you need to make that decision. There is no magic number. But I will say that I always encourage you to give it more time than you think. Two dates is not many and he may just be the type that takes a while to warm up before he feels comfortable enough to come out of his shell.
If you feel like you could be attracted to him, and the only issue is the somewhat lacking conversation skills, then I would definitely give it at least three or four more dates. What can it hurt? At the same time, keep yourself open to dating other men as well.
This isn’t about settling; it’s about seeing.
Seeing what makes you smile. Seeing what makes you laugh. Seeing what makes you happy. Seeing who you can most be yourself around – and accepted and embraced for it. Seeing who you build a life with, a family with, a home with – without having to wonder if you can trust it.
Oh Leah, I look back at who I used to be as so many of us do, and I see so many things that mattered more than anything else that I thought I had to have to be happy and I’ve discovered just how little those things matter in the long-term.
Don’t settle for the things that really don’t matter by thinking you’re settling for the things that do!
I hope this helps. Reach out to me if I can help you through this.
Love,
Jane
What do you think beautiful Leah should do in this situation? Should she continue to date this man and see if the sparks start flying? Or should she call it quits now? Tell us your thoughts below in the comments!
Thank you for this article, Jane. I am going through this right now — I met a wonderful person who is such a beautiful soul and who I have so much in common with and I laugh so much with. But I don’t feel that chemistry. I am torn because I did have a very recent sexual trauma with someone else and I am wondering if that could be playing into the lack of connection I am feeling. It feels like it makes no sense that I don’t feel any spark with this current person because I really think she’s so great in so many ways.
I wanted to ask what the story is behind you meeting your husband that you mentioned in the article. You mention that you met the man who would become your husband “this way,” but then you describe meeting a kind man that you decided to end it with after a little more than 3 months. I am curious if that then led to you finding your in-between?
I guess I am looking for others’ experiences around dating someone who seems so perfect but there’s no spark. I know that chemistry is something that develops for me - I don’t really lead with sexual desires and I don’t typically “feel” anything for a stranger. The feeling usually grows with time. But with this current person, I feel like it’s been long enough and I’m still not feeling what I know I need to feel. I don’t want to lead her on, and I know she is already feeling strong feelings and she will be hurt when I end things.
Yes, that was exactly it, Sarah! But there's also the one who I wasn't ready to see earlier that I let get away so make sure you know how to know the difference between your extremes that lead you to the just-right-for-you middle and the middle right in front of you that you can't see yet - but will!
Hi Jane, thanks so much for your quick and detailed response, it really helps. I have had a long think about it and I don't think I am in the right place yet to go on another date with him. The breakup still feels quite recent and I haven't got my confidence and positivity back yet. I don't want to go on dates halfheartedly and not feeling at my best. I'd rather take some time to feel good again and really figure out what my must-haves are, where I won't settle for less.
It's heartbreaking and at the same time kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one facing this sort of problem. I hear a lot of negative thinking (and I have done a lot of that myself) but there is absolutely nothing to gain from this. None of us know what the future holds, good or bad, so why waste our time thinking the worst, it will only make our present moment all the more unbearable. And I find, if you can't quiet the mind, keep it busy doing stuff you enjoy :o)
I'm so glad it helped, Leah. Thanks for reaching out! It sounds like you've figured out what you need to do for you! 🙂
As others mentioned, I thought someone I had known for quite a few years, was the one too. He was so charming, so attentive in the beginning. He texted me every day -- every night. We met up a few times and it was amazing. We had amazing chemistry! He became my best friend, but somewhere down the road, it ended. We both cried when it all came crashing down, and it was only a few days before that day, I asked him to make a decision about us. It turned out that he could not commit for his own personal reasons. I was heartbroken. The texting came to a halt. We hardly spoke for a long time, and he stopped coming around. I felt like once again, I had lost out. I was in a depressed state but still continued my life, and tried to date other guys, but nothing ever felt the same as it did when I was with him. I couldn't even think of kissing anyone else but him. I finally gave up on even trying to date anyone else -- I knew I needed time to heal. Today, him and I are friends, and I am happy for that, but I have come to accept that it's game over with him. Even though we are friends currently, I know where he is at, and I know it's never going to happen for us. I wish him well and always hope that he is happy. I have forgiven him for misleading me and have forgiven myself for having those high expectations for someone that was unavailable to me. I now am loving myself -- doing things for me to better my life and keep moving forward. I know it will take time to get there, but I will do my best to get there. As for my love life...well, that does not exist at this time in my life, and I don't think it will. I'm not sure it is in the cards for me at my age anymore. I still have hope, because there is always a glimmer of hope, even when we are in our darkest moment. I just don't believe there this is someone for everyone anymore. That was my little girl way of thinking many years ago. I have misunderstood a man's feelings for me in the past, and I will not allow myself to be heartbroken again. I can't be anymore heartbroken then I have been. I am not looking for anyone. I refuse to use bogus dating sites, and honestly don't trust too many people anymore -- there are only a few people in my life that I do trust. I have had friends and family set me up, and it does not work out because I do not feel anything for any of these guys. I believe you do have to have chemistry and there has to be some similarities, and most important you have to be friends to take the time to get to know each other. That's what I am looking for. I am not going to waste anyone's time nor my own. Honestly, I don't have the time for that, and not because I am very busy, but because I don't want to hurt anyone the way I have been hurt. I am a realist. And I am a very independent, strong woman that does not want to waste time. I'm too old for that.
I'm so glad you're here, Lori. Thank you for writing all this down so we can all hear your words echo our own. This is where we come to share, to be, to feel accepted wherever we are on this journey called life. Don't waste time. Don't look back. Be here right now with us. We never know what's still to come where love lives. But I know that when the only thing left to do is give up - or surrender as I like to think of it - that's when we're met exactly where we are and things come together to support that last shred of hope. Watch for it. Live it. Be it. And find the ones who love and adore you and who give you the feeling that you're home. You deserve nothing less.
I can complete get what you are saying. I feel the same. I have also read and re-read the Why him section.. but it's still tricky.
I spent two years with a guy, I clearly saw a future with, but he wasn't ready to commit in the same way, as he was going through his own issues. In the end even though I still loved him, I ended it, telling everyone I deserve more, but only half believing it myself.
A year later and I'm still on my own and I'm constantly battling with was I asking too much from him? would I take him back if nothing changed? do I expect to much chemistry? All the while going trying internet dates, which lack that 'spark' I've felt before.
Sometimes I think I question my own judgement and wonder if I'll ever be open enough again to let someone in.
What's around "but only half believing it myself.", Jess? That's where I would look for the "why". Were you? Would you? Do you? You've got the answers here within you. Don't look too hard. Just go with what it would look like to you if you knew that you deserved a love that cared, that loved you back, that gave you the feeling of being loved like you've never felt before. What would THAT feel like? And for what it's worth, I think you will. 🙂
Wow this is amazing. I just went through a bad break up, I thought he was the one coz we had such great connection, I mean the Chemistry was amazing but he became distant and eventually I had to move on. But my greatest fear is will I ever find someone with whom I have such a great connection with again, or is it time for me to "settle" coz now I think I miss interpreted that word before. I am still trying to let Jane's response sink but I really need help figuring this out because this is the third time this has happened to me and am tired of putting my heart through this.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, BC. You deserve so much more than just chemistry! Yes, it matters, but the love, the respect, the caring, the kindness, the commitment matters every bit as much and more. You're so right that this is a chance to look at what settling is and what it isn't and what it means to you. Your beautiful heart is worth so much more than what it's gone through!
It's better to be with someone than being alone. You can't keep searching forever and telling yourself you still have time and not to settle.
Although the worse kind of being alone is when you're with someone and still feeling very much alone, Klaudia. We all deserve so much more than that.
Perhaps in theory yes, but the reality is much more different and more cruel.
I told myself so many times before that maybe I should just "settle" because he was a gentleman and was sweet, and there was sadly, no attraction.
I think I'm giving up, or on the verge of giving up. I'm in my early 30's, and I've been single for over two years now. It's so hard to find someone that I have a connection with, that I'm compatible with, and that I'm attracted to. The older I get, the more I feel that the "Man" that I'm looking for doesn't exist anymore, or that if he does, he's already taken, or jaded, or just simple "broken".
I'm content being single forever; however, there's a desire in me that I want to share this life with someone, who's going to be my best friend, love, partner, companion....
sighhh..
"however, there's a desire in me that I want to share this life with someone, who's going to be my best friend, love, partner, companion...." - That's your heart talking, Moon. Listen to it. It's got this! 🙂
I've been single most of my life. A lot of people that know me say I'm picky. I think I'm sick of the feelings of loneliness, at the same time I can't just be with someone just because I don't like the loneliness feelings.
I question a lot if there's someone out there that's for me.
You're not alone, Moon.
That's exactly what I keep wondering, although I'm not feeling optimistic. There's just slender hope.
OMG.I needed this right now. Just got back from my date and you addressed the doubts I had. I have certainly learnt from my past and definitely know what I DON'T WANT. Now I know what I DEFINITELY DO WANT. I went out with a guy who has a great personality. But I am not attracted to him. But its those voices from family have given the bad advice over years. Which I realised plants seeds of doubt and made me settle or make the wrong choice with anymore. I tried everyones way...friends family. But I going for what I want. I have never been for a bad boy type. I will always give a genuine guy a chance but I must be attracted to him. I have peace I have always given everything a chance. That time shows me if its meant to be. Thank you Jane. I needed this.
I'm so glad this came through for you, BD. This is the missing piece for so many of us. Keep us posted; you're onto something big here!
I fully understand Leah... I'm so tired of breaking my heart. But at the same time I have absolutely no desire do date a few guys who would like to date me... I do not want to settle. I do not want a Hollywood relationship, but I do want to be with someone whom I love, whom I really want to be with... I'm on the merge of giving up...
Oh Anna, how I hear you. Table the search. Make this time about you instead. There's something so unexpected that happens when we reach this point, when we feel so lost, when home feels so very far away. It seems counterintuitive to the process and yet something very beautiful and raw and real is happening if we surrender to it instead of staying in the fight without knowing what we're even fighting for. Surrender to what is, to what will be, to what is going to be. For you, Anna. You're never ever forgotten. You're loved beyond what you even realize!