There’s something I have to say. You need to know this. Now.
Because when you’re in it, you’re not going to see this part. You can’t when your heart is breaking.
When you’re hurting, when you’re grasping at anything and everything to try and keep him from pulling even further away, this part will be the hardest to hear.
There IS a reason.
There’s a reason it hurts. There’s a reason for the pain.
In my endless search to make sense of all the things that have never made sense to me at the time, I’ve read so many different perspectives over the years to help me try to understand that reason. How everything happens for our good. How everything happens for a reason. But none of them quite satisfied me quite like the reason I discovered for myself.
That pain happens because there’s a part of us that needs it to happen.
What happens when there is no pain?
Right. Nothing.
We do the same thing we always do. We stick to our routine. We maintain the patterns we’ve always maintained.
In other words, we stay stuck.
We acquiesce. We excuse. We justify.
It doesn’t start out hurting like this. It begins with a little twinge of pain.
The first time, it’s only a little hurt. If we address it right then and there, it goes away and doesn’t come back. But we rarely do. Instead, we justify it, excuse it, take it on ourselves or simply brush it under the rug. We understand.
Until the next time. Then it gets a little worse. It feels a little more painful. We may get better at brushing it off or ignoring it, or we may be ready to do something about it.
This is why you’ve come here. You feel the pain. You can’t deny the hurt anymore. And this is how you’ve found yourself here.
Whether it was something I said on Facebook or something you typed during a desperate Google search, you found your way here. And you found the words to soothe your soul.
You found out you're not powerless. You discovered there’s something more to this pain. You see there’s something more than just a hurt that can’t be changed.
This. THIS is your wake up call, Beautiful.
This is where we stop fighting our truth. This is where we finally get quiet enough through our tears to ironically stop being so quiet anymore.
I know it hurts. I know it’s breaking your heart. There is no way to sugar coat the pain.
A reason?
There’s no reason that can justify what you’re going through, but what there is, is an answer. That answer is that you couldn’t go on like this anymore. You were never meant to, Beautiful. This acquiescing. This trying harder to be what you know in your soul you can never pretend to be.
You can’t NOT come through.
The pain is your gift. It’s your litmus test. It shows you that something needs to change. Something needs to give.
We don’t do anything different in the comfortable places of our lives. It’s only in the uncomfortable parts that we really grow.
That’s the reason for our pain.
It will seem like he’s doing this to you, but what he’s really doing is being himself. Himself, Beautiful. This is the reality. Pain takes us out of the fantasy. It requires us to do something before it will go away.
It will go away when equilibrium has been restored. Until then, it builds. No matter how much we try to justify it away, it comes back to remind us that we always have a choice.
Accept the pain. Accept the way it is. Or not.
It's your choice. The ball is in your court.
That’s how powerful you are! It’s always your choice. To make the pain go away. Or not.
What will it be?
Don't be afraid of this part. You're not alone, Beautiful. We're all here, walking this path in our way with our own silent heartbreak. Come out of the silence. It's how we rise.
Don't run from your tears. It's your turn to speak, right here, right now. Share your own story with us below in the comments!
I reread this and some words are left out. I'm referring to my exes new girlfriend that got involved and spoke to Mike. I dont know who to believe but my gut tells me to believe her becuz of his recent actions.
Hi Jane,
Well I'm going through a rough time. I met Mike at age 32. Same circle of friends. I was dating someone he knew and he had a girlfriend. He was attractive but I kept my distance. I ran into him 11 yrs later. We started dating for a few weeks. Then he dropped me for an old girlfriend. They broke up after 1 month and we started talking again after another month. We are really good friends, he can tell me anything and he knows I support his prior mistakes but he has changed. We have dated with having sex for over 2 years. He won't say how he feels about but we have gotten close and talked about moving in together. Every time my ex and his girl fight, he ends up here. They always get back together. I was honest with Mike about that. And my ex didn't know we were dating until a few months ago. Lately my ex girlfriend got involved and he told her he doesn't feel that way about me. Assuming a girlfriend. I also found out that same day he may be seeing someone else or at least slept with her. I love him and call me crazy I think he loves me but his fiance cheated on him and don't think he is over it. Today I have had to face my fear head on and realize he doesn't love me. So of course my heart hurts and I keep thinking he is gonna miss me and maybe he doesn't know he loves me. I'm 45 I don't have time for games so I told I know about the girl and what he said to my ex girlfriend. I don't want believe it but I have too. I am a strong person, I have a career, child, house. I try hard to make it work without child support but I'm stressed. I get very little. My ex was mentally and physically abusive and I finally left him even I was scared to death. So when my ex girlfriend needs me I help. Anyway I just lost the love of my life, I can't believe it. He was my best friend, I feel so lonely and sad now.
Sounds like there's a pattern here, Tracey. You deserve someone who you can trust, who you don't have to wonder about. It is sad and lonely to lose your best friend, the love of your life, but we don't lose people unless they want to be lost in the first place. And you deserve someone who can give you more than another loss.
Amazing insight to help me understand. The best insight yet! Thank you
oh I'm so glad this resonated with you, Debbie. Thank you!
Dear Jane,
I signed up for your emails a little over two years ago. I was in a one sided relationship at the time and had came across your website on a google search. There were days I felt your emails were written directly to me. Your readers letters were so similar at situations I was also going through, it helped because I didn't feel like I was alone. In the past two years, you've covered so much from men "disappearing" to ghosting, to telling us how to love ourselves first. I would like to thank you for helping me get to where I am today, and I hope what I say here in this post can help someone who is just like me.
A little over six months ago I was ghosted for the first time (and hopefully the last). Ironically, just a couple days after realizing I was being ghosted you posted an email about ghosting. I had written a few comments and read other's stories and it helped me through a horrible time. I never thought I'd ever be the same. It shook me to my core and I truly felt I had hit rock bottom in my love life. But words that you consistently use in your responses to letters stayed in my head. I was worth the effort, I was worthy of love and I had to make myself happy. And a couple months of working on myself and also some therapy time, I (re)met my now wonderful boyfriend. I was at a point in my "new" life that I was doing things for myself and was happy.
I had my high school reunion this summer. At first I was hesitant about going. Being almost 40 and single with no children wasn't how I imagined being at this reunion. But I felt great about myself and decided that I'd regret it if I didn't go. I talked to my now boyfriend only for a couple minutes at the reunion and didn't think too much of anything until I went to leave, he gave me a hug and said he happy to have seen me. We knew of each other but weren't friends back then. The next day I friended him on Facebook and he messaged me. And now almost four months later, we still talk everyday. We see each other a couple times a week even though we live an hour apart. For the first time in over 10 years of bad dates and "relationships" I have someone who proudly introduces me as his girlfriend. Finally, I have a drama free, comfortable and caring relationship. I don't worry about who texts who first, if he doesn't respond right away, or when will I see him again. My anxiety about relationships is gone. Although I am very happy with him,and we are already talking about living together in the future and having children, I also know I am fine on my own. But I believe having gone through all the pain over the last 10+ years of bad dates (mostly found online, although my best friends have met their husbands online, it wasn't for me anymore), one sided relationships and the horrible ghoster, it got me to where I needed to be. I look back now and think, wow I went through a lot, but I'm stronger and happier. So my advice to everyone, if something doesn't feel right, make the best choice for you, do what makes YOU happy, don't settle for being treated poorly. Listen to Jane (she knows what she's talking about!), follow your heart and one day you'll look back at the bad relationships and pain and smile because you made it through it, either on your own or with a wonderful man who's been waiting to be with a wonderful woman (you!)
Love and Light to all.
I am SO happy for you, Monica! I can't thank you enough for sharing your story, for inspiring us all. We need these new words, these new ways of thinking about ourselves to replace the old messages we've made our truth. Beautiful!
Aye so many mispelled words because I should've been in bed. Sorry ?
🙂
Wow first hugs to all of you especially those who are going through it right now. My story is that I have been married twice. Second marriage I divorced in 2013 and stayed in that marriage too long- it was abusive in many many aspects. I have seen a few guys along the way since the divorce but met someone in February and everything started nice. However by April i knew something was wrong and I wanted to call it off. I put up with horrible behavior and many lies. I tried to call things off but (only in words and not actions ) he said he loved me and I longed to hear those words in spite of the lack of actions and I was thrilled thinking wow I found love again. I started to pull back howeveg and he and he called more often but the actions didn't change or more like his not taking any action remained the same. No time to see me but time to see friends and family and get drunk. I realized he was a recovering addict who went back to being unsober and switched his addictions. The stuff hit the fan for me after I realized something amazing had happened to me. And I was able to walk out on him Once I knew I could no longer have him treat me bad anymore nor anyone else for that matter everything changed. I sent him a letter explaining that I still loved him but I walked out and left him because I finally believed I AM the prize and am no longer the same person I used to be because God changed me. My worth my value my identity comes from Christ and no man, parent , teacher, friend sibling or child -no one else. I had believed a lie that I was only someone if I had a man. That is a lie. That and the idea submission means putting up with abuse was another lie. Then the lie of if I am intimate with someone it means I'll hold on to them or by my looks or my people pleasing my performance and my control people will love me. All lies. Coming from an alcoholic and drug addicted family as well as a violent and abusive in many many ways family taught me that abuse was the norm. Not so any more. Old habits die hard especially if your from that kind of family. You pick men that kind of perpetuate the abuse but think it's ok since that's the norm. Once you can't stand the pain and stop believing the lies and realize your worth ,EVERYTHING changes. No one can take that away from you once you get, it no one. But it takes a bit of time and you really have to self examine yourself. Saying it over and over finally leads to your heart believing it. That's what I have. Yes o still love him but I have pity on him he's stuck in his addiction and once you're in it it is a segue to allow everything evil and bad in instead of love and life which is why it's so progressive. Am I sad he hasn't called yes and that he chose alcohol and other people places and things obey me you bet, but I'm sadder that he cools destroy his life and I pray for his recovery. I trust God so much to provide me with someone because that's my desire. Yes I do wonder if he'll ever change and hope he'd say I want help I want to be clean and sober but you know what all the lies insanity pain and grief in this tumultuous relationship and the SLEW of other bad relationships with much PAIN has caused me to heal and allow God to work in me. Now I'm doing things but In the light in the truth and for God and he'll never leave or forsake anyone. I've learned to trust God heal me and love who God made me - creative, unique , beautiful smart funny and lovable. I don't need approval from man for He is enough. However the icing on the. And would be a good man and now the new chapter in my life awaits me. Peace and love to you all and thanks to Jane who has so much wisdom.
I'm so glad you've found your way, SQ. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. You are the prize, Beautiful!
I was with Scott for a year. There were warning signs that he could be lying, but I chose to ignore them. Scott didn't have a great upbringing & with the things he was telling me--having no "real" family, an ex that wasn't letting him see his kids. I bought it all...until I questioned things one too many times. He got mad & started ignoring me after telling me "he needed time". In reality, he had already moved on. Everything I had wanted from our relationship he gave to someone else. I only found out because he changed his FB profile picture to one of him & his "new girlfriend". The pain of betrayal, loneliness and loss have been overwhelming. I still love him, I know I have to move on. It's been almost 2 months & I just now erased the texts & messages...of course I cried harder than ever after I did. I'm not to the point of where it doesn't hurt ...not sure I will ever get there. ?
In our own time and way we move on, Jennifer. There is no one right or wrong way; there is only our own way. When we love like we do, when we feel like we do, it's such a natural step to buy into it all like we do. Be so kind and gentle with yourself as you move through through. Know that you will get there, simply by putting one foot in front of the other every day. But don't jump too far ahead. it's in meeting yourself right where you are that you push on through. Let's do this together!
Great words. I think getting to the point where we realise the love can only come from ourselves is great, but I find I have to constantly keep reminding myself.
Your book 'why men pull away' was fantastic for this. It gave me so much insight and understanding that I was choosing the wrong men, when I finished I swore I'd read it again a few months later. Thanks for sharing everyone, it reminds me I'm not alone when I keep looking to man to increase my self worth.
So true, Fay. And I'm so glad "Why Men Pull Away" resonated so much with you. Thanks for sharing. When we've been so programmed to find our worth from outside of ourselves - and especially from a man - this is the one of the hardest mindsets to change. We are doing it, though. We are learning how to balance the desire for a man with a need for a man. And you are never, ever alone on this journey!
Ahh..there is a reason for the pain. That is a profound statement perhaps none of us want to hear! I have lived through it to tell my story! I once loved this man so deeply that I prayed and asked God to sens two shooting stars flying across the sky together to let me know if I would spend the rest of my life with this man I professes to love. Much to my amazement two shooting stars did go across the sky but I'm opposite directions!Did that help me let him go? No way!
But soon enough he met another woman and tore me at the core of my emotions.
Then he blamed me for his decision and off he went.
Needless to say that relationship didn't work either and he actually came back into my life through out the years.
Finally I have managed to let so much of my hurt feelings go that I feel now he and I might actually have a chance again at romance!
Is that crazy or what?
He said he had always hoped we would be together and of course even after all that pain I was willing to let him back into my life.
Yes there is a reason for the pain and there is a reason we go back into that painful relationship until...
Until we change!
We need the pain to grow up!
Some how I learned some patterns that needed to be changed in myself and that is why I wanted to stay with the pain!
Today I have finally realized what I was doing and finally stopped doing it! I stopped sending emails all about my feelings and my life and my needs! To a man who can not and provably will not meet those deep emotional needs or men's my deep emotional wounds.
I let go of the need to experience painful feelings. Yes The love I felt for him and from him was comforting and deeply affected me but the pain when he stopped talking to me and chose a new relationship over ours also affected me deeply.
He is still choosing to live the exact same way!
I am finally realized this. Now I am choosing for myself and deciding finally that I am free.
My wounds are healing without him and peace and comfort are still in my heartheart. And yes
It did feel wonderful to be with him but now, now I know I am able to finally choose to stop going too deep with a man who is not available,
Who will not reciprocate and who will not commit to me!
As much as I wanted him to I realize I am thebone who was causing my own pain by loving him too deeply and yes I did that! He did not make me do it ..he was just being himself and he still is. He is the one who is choosing his way of being and I am also.
I choose to be who I am and I am so peaceful.
I have always been who I am and needed to really appreciate that.
But until I was able to settle down and just be me and let love pour into my own heart and stop trying to get him to love me I still went right back into the cycle saying please love me!
And that is painful.
I accept and enjoy who I am now regardless of what a man does for himself or is or isn't doing for me.
I don't have to stay in the loop or love and pain any longer because who I am has nothing to do with how much a man loves me!
I am loved. Love is a blessing. People who love each other are blessings to each other.
Hurt wounded and emotionally unavailable people need to find self acceptance too.
I have. I am no longer in the loop!
The reason I had all that pain was because I thought all my worth was in him loving me!
Not true!
Anyone who rejects another person who loves them has been rejected themselves and feels probably alot of low self worth all ready.
Let the man find his own self worth.
And develop and grow in your own talents and abilities just like Jane said!
The ability to rejoice in who you are is all up to you!
Not in a man's heart who is feeling inadequate all ready.
God's love is totally unconsitonal. This is love ....total acceptance and will grow you into a beautiful confident radiant you! Even if u make a mistake along the way ...rmemebr love is always there to lift you up and teach you and show you whats best!
Pain only makes us know we need to change or stop a behavior.
Warm big hugs to you! Love
KELLI!
I love what you had to say, Kelli. We women who feel rejected so often forget that the men who have rejected us have their own self-esteem/self-worth issues! It's not like they are these whole, totally healthy and together god-like creatures. Far from it. And we forget also that they do not/cannot communicate or express themselves or their emotions the way we women do. I think they are often overwhelmed by us pouring our feelings out all over them. I think they often don't know or understand what they themselves are even feeling.
The guy I was hurting over - once I let my feelings for him be known - walked away and I haven't heard from him since. I've had enough time now to consider the possibility that he simply didn't know what to do. He's not a bad person, but he's a man who already had a lot on his plate - very busy career, kids he was putting through college, and a serious relationship in which he was financially entangled (as well as emotionally, I'm sure, though he initially made me think he was unhappy and ready to leave). I fell fast and deep and, once he realized that, I think it was easier for him to walk away and not deal with what I was feeling. I'd known him for over 35 years and I don't believe now that he just didn't care. I think he just didn't know what to do. In fact, I tried to break things off with him months before and told him I couldn't see him anymore, that it was hurting me. He replied that he was so sorry, he didn't mean to hurt me and didn't know if his conscience could handle it. We started up again after that, but I think this is the reason he finally walked away in the end.
I think the majority of men are not emotionally and spiritually evolved or mature enough to sit with a woman and hold her, let her cry, while he tells her he can't be the one for her. I think most of them do not want to hurt anyone and can't face it when they do. I think many of us women, especially those of us who have unmet childhood needs from fathers, look at men as though they hold all of our answers. I'm beginning to realize finally that this is so not true!
Kelli, This is so beautifully said. You've been somewhere to be able to rise up with this. No, we don't want to know there's a reason when all we want is to go back where we were before the hurt, before the pain, before it all got so real. Thank you for sharing. It's real, it's raw, it aches. And then we go and do something about it. Beautiful!
I juat want to know why I continue obsessing and teying to get him to want me. I already know he does not want me but only for sex.. What is wrong with me.. Its like an impulse.. Like Im on a mission.. Its self destructive and embarrassing.
Im exhausted repeating this pattern with this guy...
Because you're looking to him for your answers, Misty, when they can't come from someone who doesn't see you, who doesn't really know you, who can never be what you want him to be for you. There's nothing wrong with you! There's only this pattern that's so ingrained we can't see it for what it is, this striving and trying to get someone to love you, to want you so you can be real. You're real without him. You don't need him. This is why you're exhausted, because deep down you know your own truth and you know that it can't be found in him. Baby steps. Don't try to do this overnight. It's taken you a long, long time to get here; it's going to take real time to get out. Pick one loving, caring, compassionate thing to do for yourself instead of spending all this energy on him. Do that. Then do another. And another. And another. Every time you think of him, find the loving thing to do for you. Baby steps. We don't get there any other way. Replace the obsessing about him with self-love for you and you'll eventually see what you need to do. You can do this! For you.
With this guy I've known for nearly 6 years he's been liking some of my posts on FB n there's times I have my routine n I don't have time to msg him but make time to msg him.
I only msg him if gardening is coming up n whether or not he's going to it. The last time I messaged him was on Sunday asking him if he's coming to gardening on 30 Oct n he said in a reply "probably" I'm thinking does this mean he will or won't come. If I don't see him this Sunday it will be 4 months I haven't seen him.
I have been leaving him alone when I'm busy. When he likes or comments on a few posts I react surprised. Maybe in future he could react love this post instead of a simple like.
In my mind I have this quote which tells me "the more u leave him alone,the more he will like my posts n act more interested" there are times I want to give up on him but my best friend told me not to give up on him.
Idk where to start if he does or doesn't come. I asked him 1x should I ask him again or wait and see what happens on the day.
Look around you to see who else is out there, too, Courtney. Yes, you'll know by waiting to see what he does. But there's so much more to life than waiting to see if and when someone might respond to you, and there's more than this one fish in the sea!