Our beautiful friend, Dani, has been texting a man for six weeks on Tinder, but now he's pulling away. She's wondering what's going on.
Here's her email:
I met a guy on Tinder. We have been texting for about 6 weeks.
We had plans to meet twice but he couldn't make it either time...once he said his daughter's mother's family had a family emergency and he had to get his daughter. The second time he said he lost his phone and couldn't contact me.
Recently, he never initiates conversations.
He says he's been sick. I feel like I am bugging him but he told me he doesn't mean to make me feel unwanted by him. I already asked him not to waste our time...if he's not interested, just tell me.
Can you help me understand what he's doing?
- Dani
My Response:
Dear Dani,
His deal is that he’s not sure, he doesn’t know, he’s changed his mind, he’s got cold feet, or he’s texting more than just you and goes back and forth about how real he wants to make this. Maybe all of those.
And you know why? Because he can.
Because, Dani, for every man who goes back and forth like this with us, giving us just enough to keep us interested but never enough to really know what’s going on, there’s a line-up of women who will allow him to do this.
He doesn’t have to do anything different if he doesn’t want to.
If he’s giving mixed signals, there’s a reason. He’s got mixed feelings.
Words don’t mean anything without actions to back them up. Texting is nothing.
I’ll say that again.
Texting is absolutely nothing.
It means nothing. It gives you nothing. It shows zero effort on his part. And yet, because we’ve allowed texting to become the way we communicate, whether we like it or not, it’s become socially and relationally, acceptable.
I’ve talked to so many women who hate texting and yet they feel like they have to settle for a text message if they want any kind of communication at all.
What would happen if we actually made it a requirement that someone communicate with us verbally, over the phone, if they wanted to communicate?
What would happen if instead of making ourselves get comfortable with texting because it’s “just the way men communicate these days”, what if we said to ourselves, no, I want someone who I can get a feel for, who I can actually talk to, who wants to talk to me enough that he’s willing to put some effort into it rather than the impersonal, so low on the effort scale that texting is?
Because that’s what I want us all to do. To recognize that if we’re going to change just how much effort he makes, we have to stop making this all so easy for him.
I know it’s become the standard. But it's become the standard because we've allowed it to be.
You know what happened when I found out someone in one of my circles doesn’t text? As in, we were exchanging contact info and someone mentioned this other women and someone said, oh, you’ll have to call her because she doesn’t text.
My initial response was I felt like “Wow, how does she get away with that? We all have to text these days.”
Because honestly, I HATE texting. It’s so impersonal. It’s so distancing. It makes communication so difficult because you can’t say much at all. I totally get it if you’re in a meeting or at a public place where you can’t talk, but at this point we’ve almost replaced all talking with texting!
But you know what happened next? After my initial thoughts on how she could get away with NOT texting in this day and age where it’s become such an expected social norm, my next thought was one of curiosity. Who IS this woman who dares to require a phone call instead of a text?
Such a little thing, maybe, but on another level, it’s not.
Because the woman who says "call me", instead of "text me" is a women who makes us curious. And the woman who gives out her number and says “I don’t text, but here's my phone number” gets noticed.
She’s different. She’s strong in her own power.
She’s confident of who she is and what she has to offer.
And there’s something even more … she’s filtering out her men. She’s separating out the men from the boys.
The ones who will call her will be that much more likely to be the ones who are actually interested in getting to know her, and that much more likely to be looking for a real relationship and not just a casual “I’ll text you when I can, when I’m not texting someone else” kind of thing.
You want that filter!
So for now, let’s not pursue Mr. "Not Sure What He Wants" so you don’t have to spend any more of your beautiful time and energy wondering what’s going on with someone who’s showing you he isn’t really worth your time right now.
Instead, let’s take a step back from Tinder and everything else and redefine what your "must haves" are, what your deal breakers are and create a clear vision of how the confident women you are lives her life.
She doesn’t bow to someone else’s terms if they’re not terms she can live with. She thinks of dating as a necessary part of simply getting to know different people and learning more about herself in the process, instead of looking to prove herself worthy in the eyes of a mere mortal guy.
A guy who needs to be proving why she should even make time for him.
Men are wired for the chase, Dani. They need someone to hold them to higher standards than the ones we’ve been letting them get away with.
The irony of all of this is that while we think there won’t be anyone left if we stick to our standards, it’s actually the opposite that’s true. The ones you’ll be left with will be the ones who actually will be on the same page as you!
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Can you help Dani understand what's going on with him? Share your thoughts with us below in the comments!
I 100% let's stop pesponding on texts. It must be the most frustrating and degenerated wich happened to human communication ever!
I texted him and told him I was frustrated with having a text only "relationship" with him...he didn't reply...that was 3 days ago. ?
Next time you won't even need to say it, Dani. You can decide for yourself if how you're being treated is something you choose and if not, let your actions speak louder than your words. We give so much of our power away when we go to someone else to say what only needs to be said to ourselves and then done. Your first clue that you are not on the same page is when you feel like you have to say anything like this to him at all!
She might be too available..like I am doing with my boyfriend now. Step back and start to make yourself a priority and let him prove himself to her!!
Yes!
that's my problem too...and dear Jane , thank you so much , It helped me a lot. I hate texting too and talking FACE to FACE is my own ideal communication style, I will never let him or anybody break it. I'm strong 😀
So true! I use to think that texting was our connection and it meant so much. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and I got hurt very bad at a ripe old age because I thought at my age, after being in a over20 yr. marriage that ended in divorce, that it would never happen to me at my age. Fortunately, I got over it after a struggle and it was not easy for me, especially since this guy and I were a secret. I had no one to share it with, no one to talk to it about it. I went into a deep depression but still worked every day at my job and myself to get out of it. I knew that should not be happening to me. So here I am today with a new and much needed attitude. I am proud to say I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be. I am coming full circle and so very happy with myself right now. And the clincher of the whole thing is, I am single. I realized that I don't need a man to live my life because it is and will be what I make it for myself. I do Love myself and take care of me and my family and friends. Someday I hope to have someone in my life but for now I'm okay with it all because I am finally me again. My spirit is back! Thank you to all and to you Jane for being a part of helping me to regain my independence and to understand that I am beautiful and I am worth it. God Speed.
Lori
My pleasure and honor, Lori! You've got this. 🙂 I'm so glad this is resonating with you!
Woohoo!! Love your post!!
Until we love ourselves the narcissistic controlling men who are evil fools Wil keep on diminishing us!so yes state wat you want and if they can't give it they aren't worth entertaining ,they are not worth your energy!
Oh Jane, you have hit the nail on the head of one of my huge pet peeves of modern life. I allowed myself to carry on what was really just a text fest with an old friend I was so interested in pursuing a relationship with. When it first started I was sure we were on the same page. But after months and months of texting and only seeing each other a couple of times, it ended because I wanted so much more and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. I realized I had opened up to him, shared so much with him through TEXTING. How absurd. I thought we were entering into a potentially meaningful relationship. I know now that for him it was just a diversion from his every day life - nothing more than entertainment. I will never allow that again. It is a horrible form of communication. So much can be misinterpreted, left vague, ignored, etc. I joined a singles site after that (though I was nowhere near ready) and I said in my profile that I would not accept texting as a form of communication other than in emergency situations or to send a time or address. It is simply not an acceptable format for establishing a relationship. It is, however, an excellent format for keeping someone at a distance and for hook-ups. No thanks. Never again.
Exactly, Anne. We learn, don't we?!
Thanks for the response Jane! Also thank you to the other ladies for their comments. I'm just so confused. I really like this guy. He says he's interested in me as well. I just think I'm becoming "attached" to him and the potential I see in a relationship with him. I need to take a step back from him but I'm afraid of losing my chance with him.
He and I speak openly about what we want. I even bluntly told him not to waste my time. His answers leave me confused. On one hand he tells me he struggles to commit to me and on the other he says he doesn't have a problem being exclusive with me? He recently told me he's not having sex with anyone right now. What does that mean?! I'd like to start off slow so the only commitment I want right now from him is just to be with me.
He just seems to be everything I've been looking for and it's tearing me apart to think I may be wasting my time and he won't be a part of my life. How do I tell him what I'm expecting in such a way that doesn't make him want to find the nearest exit?
I have been following Jane's advice in her lessons each week and it seems to be paying off...he loves how confident I am. I am confident in myself and what I bring to the table...the uncertainty of this situation is just disheartening.
Dear Dani. Please focus on reality. Not what you want to believe. He's everything you have been looking for? Really? You have never even met him! Please, don't cling to fantasies. Reality is this is a man who's wasting your time.
Hi Dani. I'm blown away by your responses and your interpretation of what's going on with this stranger you are texting. You are either very young, very inexperienced, or both. This person is nothing to you at present, a stranger, a fantasy, an illusion. He's everything you want in a man? All you want is him to commit to only seeing you? Here's some foreshadowing on my part. You will never meet. If someone lives in your city and actually wants to meet a person for a relationship, they would make that happen inside 2 weeks and they would have had a phone call with you. This guy, as well as most (and most women) are chatting with 3-10 other people. Don't you know that, That's the culture of online dating. Particularly those that are not suited for a relationship. This person is no less a stranger to you than Brad Pitt. In fact, you probably know more about his current situation and past, then you do this person.
I'm glad it helped, Dani. Remember that you can't know that he seems to be everything you're looking for without enough real time and actual getting to know each other time in person, in different seasons, in different situations takes place. Don't give any part of your beautiful heart away until that time has come! Love is always uncertain, but someone who's on your page will do their best to make it less uncertain for you. Remember that. 🙂
Stop using dating websites!!!!! They are a waste of time and money. Men who are there don't know what they want themselves.
O.M.G.
Soooooo well said!!!!!!
I used to be a "non-texter". I didn't have a smart phone until a year and a half ago. You are so right about texting being totally impersonal, immature, and, well, stupid! I realized I wasn't missing much! When men use this as their primary form of communication it says a lot about their mentality and maturity level. I am only using text now for little things --NOT for any "real" conversations. It's extremely easy to misinterpret and can actually cause a lot of problems. And don't even get me STARTED on Facebook!!!! Ugh!!!
You are so right about someone who refuses to just go along with what "everyone" else is doing being set apart from the rest of the crowd. Make a name for yourself and show your boundaries and maturity by refusing to engage in "conversations" through text. You're right, it will quickly show who is and isn't worthy of your time and attention! Someone who is truly interested will make the efforts necessary -- and if they can't even handle speaking to you personally, they probably can't handle much else, either -- like a committed relationship!
"and if they can't even handle speaking to you personally, they probably can't handle much else, either -- like a committed relationship!" - My thoughts exactly, Karen! I'm so glad this resonated so much with you.
What a brilliant article! You are so right Jane. I need to change my "requirements" if I'm going to meet the right man. Thank you.
You're so welcome, Tina. It's the part we most often miss - yes, we get to choose!
Jane, you are so right on ! I hate texting, also. But I had a gentleman yesterday text me to see if this was a good time for him to call and I said , "yes". He called. So texting is good for what he used it for.
Love it! 🙂
I love it Jane and you are so right about texting and the lack of effort it requires. This man she is texting on Tinder is probably texting with a lot of other women. Why wouldn't he be? It's so easy! With texting a false sense of intimacy develops but there is no real depth to it.
Exactly, Lisa!
Texting for six weeks... Really?
Cancelled twice?
Dani is being too generous with her time. I didn't have to read any more to answer her question with a resounding no.
I hope she starts taking Jane's advice to realize she's too precious and busy for people who waste others' time.