Our letter this week comes from one of our sweet readers, who has chosen to call herself "Confused and in Love (I'll just call her "Love"). Her boyfriend has suddenly stopped answering all calls, emails and texts - he's basically disappeared on her.
Her email:
Hi, I was hoping you could provide me some advice.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 8 months. He's a great guy and always is considerate and thoughtful of me and my feelings.
The past 8 months have been fantastic, maybe some very minor bouts of miscommunication (less than what I could list on one hand) but other than that great.
He recently (less than a month ago) got a new job that he is very excited and nervous about (it’s his dream job and he wants to excel at it). Since getting this new job he’s been a bit stressed and less present in the relationship, he was still putting effort into the relationship but not as much as before.
In response I unfortunately started becoming needy and unappreciative. Looking back now I can see and appreciate his efforts and understand his stress, and realize that I was being selfish and should have been more supportive. But hindsight is 20/20, right?
Instead I confronted him and pressured him about his priorities changing.
He mentioned that this has happened in the past to him and that he wasn’t sure if this relationship was something he wanted to be in.
I was flabbergasted.
With everything going so well between us, I definitely was not expecting him to tell me that. I asked if he was breaking up with me.
He said no but that he needed to assess his priorities.
I was hurt and said that I didn’t want to be with someone that wasn’t sure they wanted to be with me and we both agreed we had a lot of thinking to do.
Later that night, after I was able to calm down, I texted him to say that the earlier conversation caught me off guard and may have gotten out of hand. I apologized for overreacting, acknowledged the stress he’s under, and said that we should take some time, think things over, and decide together where we go from here.
The next morning (on a Friday) he replied saying that he knows he caught me off guard, especially with how good things typically are with us, that he has difficulty committing to a profession he’s passionate about and someone else of importance in his life, and that he would call me over the weekend.
When Sunday evening came and I had not yet heard from him, I called him but with no answer.
I followed the call with a text asking if he could call me that night, and still no reply. Figuring that he needed time to think and considering he worked all that weekend (and maybe didn’t have time to think about things), I left him alone for the whole week, no calls, texts, or emails (which was very difficult for me).
After having more time to reflect on things, that next Friday I reached out to him with a text. I told him I missed him and was thinking about him but wanted to give him space. I said that I realized I was the one being selfish, and that I was unsupportive and unappreciative and that I was sorry about that; that he was a great boyfriend and that I appreciate the effort he was putting in, even while stressed; that I was proud and supportive of his new job; that the time apart had made me realize how much he meant to me and that I didn’t want to lose him.
I ended the message saying that I would like to reconnect with him, would he let me know when he’s ready.
I received no reply.
This silence is driving me crazy. We’ve never not communicated for this long. I’m trying to respect his space but I’m feeling lost not knowing what’s going on.
On Sunday I tried calling him, with no answer, so I sent him another text. I said that I miss him and understand that he’s under a lot of stress and needs time to think but that I’m feeling lost not knowing what’s going on or where we’re at or even if he’s okay.
I asked if he could help me understand what’s happening even if it’s just “I need more time”.
I have still not heard anything from him.
I think his confusion is based on the stress he’s placing on himself over this new job (it’s his dream job), coupled with the pressure of making me happy (which I now see I was not helping with). He’s divorced and during that relationship he chose his relationship over his job and he regrets it. I think he doesn’t want to make that same mistake again and seeing that I was unhappy made him question the relationship.
The last thing I want to do is make him choose between the job he loves and me – although I know my previous actions showed otherwise. I’ve tried expressing this to him but know that this is something he needs to figure out himself.
I do understand that men and women process stress differently and that’s its natural for men to withdraw to mull things over. It’s just difficult for me to understand why he can’t reach out and let me know he’s not ready to fully communicate yet.
He’s never acted this way before.
I love him and want to respect his process and give him the benefit of the doubt but the longer the silence continues the more scared and lost I feel. From our last communication, we’re still in a relationship but the silence is confusing.
I’ve had guys disappear on me in the past and I don’t know if this is the same thing again.
I can appreciate if he needs more time but not knowing what’s going on is driving me crazy. He’s a great guy and I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to push him away but I also don’t know if this is a lost cause. How long do I wait for him to reach out (it’s been over a week)? Do I eventually reach out to him again?
Have I already pushed too much? Is he ignoring me in hopes that I will give up and move on?
Please help.
- "Confused and in Love"
My Response:
Hindsight is always 20/20, Love.
You reacted the way you felt, with real feelings and real fears and a response that reflected both. If it was too much for him to handle, or if it revealed for him that you’re on two different paths right now and he isn’t ready or capable of being on yours, then this is why you haven’t heard from him.
Please don’t beat yourself up over this.
You were caught off guard. You weren’t expecting him to respond the way he did to you, but he has.
Look at the reality here.
Take all the focus off everything you wish you had said or done differently, and instead, look at where both of you are right now. You’re missing him, but is he missing you?
The silence may be driving you crazy, but obviously he’s finding some level of comfort in that same silence.
Look at the bigger picture here. Regardless of what you thought you had or what you thought the relationship meant to both of you, his actions now – the way he’s behaving right now – tell you more than anything from the past.
This is where he is right now.
This is what he’s capable of giving you right now.
If he’s feeling such stress over the conflicting priorities of his new job and making you happy, then this is something he has to sort out on his own before he’s going to be what you want him to be, or the way he was before.
Now is the reality of what is.
If he’s been here before in his previous relationship and doesn’t want to make the same mistake again, then that, too, is something he must wrestle with and resolve for himself.
He may be doing any one of these things in the space he’s taken for himself, and although not knowing can be so crazy-making for you, this is something he is clearly showing you with his continued silence in response to your efforts to reach out to him, that he needs to do for him.
You’ve already reached out to him enough for him to know where you stand, how you feel, and what you want from him.
If you’ve pushed him too much, then this tells you that much more about him.
If he continues to ignore you and you still don’t hear from him, then yes, I would conclude that he is letting you know by his silence that he wants you to give up and move on.
You’ve got two choices here, Love. You can either keep holding out, hanging on, waiting - even if you tell yourself you’re not, or you can shift all this focus on what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what he’s doing to you.
That’s the only place change happens.
That’s the only place you get your power back, where you once again feel back in control of yourself.
He’s not you, he doesn’t think like you, he’s not going to process things the way you do. But what you can count on him doing is what works for him.
I want to turn this around for you, Love. I want you to look deep within yourself, past anything that feels so personal, past the place where you wish you had done things differently, past anything about him, to that beautiful place within you.
My question for you is this: can you live with someone who responds to you like this? Does this work for you to have someone in your life who you’re in a supposed love relationship with, who doesn’t know what he wants or how to communicate that to you?
Yes, this may be a temporary thing, and once he makes a decision, he may be the man you sense he can be that makes him worth waiting for. But for every woman who’s convinced herself of this possibility, there’s another woman who has a story of waiting – and wasting – more of her life away than she ever in a million years thought she could.
Whatever you decide, there’s a lesson here for you and for every other woman who finds herself in a similar situation.
Know who you are. Know what you want. Know what you’re willing to live with and what you’re not. Know your number one priority in a man, in a relationship with that man.
When you’ve clarified those for yourself, be true to yourself and what you need and what you can live with.
You don’t have to fight for what you want.
When you know who you are and what you want with crystal clear clarity, your essence includes that message and won’t be swayed for the potential of someone who gives you nothing more than a feeling to build a relationship on.
Look ahead, not back. Look at what’s real in front of you right now, not what you wish you had done with that 20/20 hindsight.
You’re not supposed to be perfect, Love. None of us are. And neither is he.
It’s in our imperfect, "doing the best we can with what we know at the time" humanness that we connect, that we find who we’re truly compatible with in the ways that matter over time. It's also how we find the ones who we’re not.
The very things we resist are often the same things that we become grateful for down the road.
You deserve to be loved. Don’t allow anyone to give you any reason to believe differently.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Can you relate to Love's story? Share your thoughts, and any words of advice or encouragement for our sweet friend "Love" in the comments!
Memorize these words sweet lady: WHEN HE IS REJECTING YOU, IT MEANS GOD IS PROTECTING YOU!
This is so true! It also means you are one guy closer to Mr. RIGHT.
And that is exciting!!!
You now have another chance to meet someone wonderful! Bc you can look for the red flags early on and not make excuses but walk away before it becomes too difficult.
You also can look for a guy who wants to be in a serious relationship
(and how do you know? Bc he will make it 100% clear to you by both words and actions and do the work.
And then suddenly you realise you are in a relationship WITHOUT any wondering or rationalizing or holding on to hope or trying to make things work or making excuses and accepting less than what you thought it would be like.)
Heartbreaks stink! I know bc I've been through my share of them. In fact, I've been utterly devastated by a few.
But I am married now.
And I THANK GOD literally (!!) for all the past breakups and what I now call near misses. I truly feel like I dodged a bullet with all my ex-boyfriends!
I also don't regret the timing. We are so right for each other right now.
Yes, I wish I had known all along that I would meet him
(I did not meet my husband until I was 41. He proposed less than 2 years later.)
And it would have been fun to have enjoyed my 30's with him. But ... I was different then and my husband sure was different then. God very much changed us during that decade and we wouldn't be so perfect for each other otherwise.
The best thing to do when love is not reciprocated by a guy is to try to let go and mourn him and pamper yourself and find things you enjoy doing.
Yes it is so miserably hard to be alone at times. And it is normal to just cry and cry on Friday nights while staying home and watching good movies or reading a book or even once you get in after a fun night out. I've done that. Boy, for years I did that.
But try to remind yourself it is only a night , this is only one period of time in my life. Plus, there still is joy to be found in every day!
And every breakup, everyFriday night, only means you are one step closer to meeting Mr. RIGHT.
OMG ....I Love that!!
♥️♥️♥️this!
Squirrel, you said the exact words my ex did- he was stalling, putting off until some time later.. Perhaps by avoidance, the indirect presumption was that the message is "there's nothing left and I'm done". that was the worst first pit stomach, gut feeling I've had and probably the first real time I felt unhappy with the ex. And like the op, everything was going along just fine and then boom.
I'm not angry that it ended it was more of the communication breakdown of how it went. But all said and done we all had our parts in it and Recovery is now the path to take.
Sorry, that should have been 'a coward, who IS avoiding contact'!
I agree with Diane - that essentially this guy is a coward, who's not avoiding contact or at least not responding to you because he doesn't know what to say to you, let alone how to say it.
But I've got a slightly different view too...
I'll admit, I think about the times that people I love have sent me important or complicated messages that need me to think about them and then to respond - and how often I have delayed and prevaricated over my response. I have a couple of examples in my inbox right now: some girlfriends who've been asking me to go on trips with them over the summer, what do I think about this place and that, what dates can I do, can I get the same flights, where can we stay, etc... And I have sat on those emails for ages, thinking that I'll get it sorted just as soon as I know about my work deadlines, have cleared my desk, know what I'm doing in August, whether I've got that cheque coming through, whatever... And then there's the beautiful long loving message from one of my closest male friends who lives far away and had heard about some health problems I had, asking me how I was coping, when will he see me, am I still on the medication, etc... I know that email is going to require some time and some tissues to write - so I keep putting it off until tomorrow. And of course, the longer the delay in my response, the harder it becomes to get round to it...
In other words, maybe your guy is doing a version of what we all do when pressed for time and yet presented with emotionally-significant conversations which require effort to think through - he's stalling, hiding, knowing that he needs to get to it but worried too about what it will require of him, worried about what exactly it is he should say? He is probably cursing himself under his own breath for his inaction, hating himself for not knowing how he should proceed and for being so frightened. In fact, he's probably frightened above all else.
Can you find a way to 'look across' at him because of his fear and uncertainty here, Love? Not to hate him by looking down at him, or put your heart in his hands and therefore look up to him, but just to 'look across' at him and realise that he's an ordinary, flawed, weak, human being? Because that's what he is - just a guy being human, nothing more and nothing less.
You mention 'the pressure of making me happy', and I wonder whether you've been putting him on a pedestal - before, and now with this? Because if so, it sounds like he's struggling with that - and he doesn't want to be there. None of us would: it's uncomfortable being on a pedestal, by its nature but also because you're always worried about what will happen when your partner realises that you can't be the person they've been worshipping. So you can't be real, you can't relax, and you can't grow. No one except yourself can make you happy, Love - seriously, no one else. You can't make him or anyone responsible for that, even implicitly, because it's an impossible task.
You are the mistress of your own soul. You are the creator of the life you inhabit. You are the lover AND the loved. He (or any man who deserves to be) might be a guest at the banquet - but the banquet has to be going on within you, to be designed and cooked and enjoyed by you. He can enjoy the banquet with you but he can't make it for you or even host it for you. He can't give you happiness - he can only enhance the happiness you have. Because he's only human, not a prince, and anyway, love that's built on saving someone or 'making them happy' so often turns sour rather quickly because it's not built on reality and true equality.
Is it possible for you to leave him on ice for now, and turn towards improving your own happiness, your own state of being in the world? Not to press the reject button on him or, alternately, keep trying to get an answer of him - but just to let him 'be', over there, doing whatever it is that he feels he needs to do, while you step back for a while and focus on yourself? To stop looking at the calendar and counting the days, and step back into your own life, the life that you were born to live, with or without him?
I had something similar happen too a few months ago. After a month and something weeks of not making the effort to see me despite working so close to my house, he stopped responding to my texts and calls or even skype. when I confronted him at his work he told me he didn't know what right things to say that weren't things I didn't want to hear. He basically avoided my contact because he didn't know how to communicate the truth of what was going on. Had I not come that morning he said I would have texted you later that same night. it's definitely difficult but we will be strong.
Love, my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry that you are going through this! You most definitely deserve to be loved and cherished.
I saw a huge red flag waving when you shared, "I think his confusion is based on the stress he’s placing on himself over this new job (it’s his dream job), coupled with the pressure of making me happy (which I now see I was not helping with). He’s divorced and during that relationship he chose his relationship over his job and he regrets it. I think he doesn’t want to make that same mistake again and seeing that I was unhappy made him question the relationship."
Love, he was married. Telling you that he chose his relationship (his marriage) over his job and he regrets it told me that instead of looking within himself to see what skills he lacks or needs to develop so he can be successful in his work, he blamed his wife for his inability to land a successful career.
The very last response you received from him seemed like an honest attempt to address this issue he has when you shared, "The next morning (on a Friday) he replied saying that he knows he caught me off guard, especially with how good things typically are with us, that he has difficulty committing to a profession he’s passionate about and someone else of importance in his life, and that he would call me over the weekend."
He took accountability that he has a hard time balancing a career and a relationship, but then he said he would call you over the weekend, and he didn't. If he wasn't ready to discuss your relationship in depth at that time on the phone, he could have at least gave you a quick phone call and told you that he really needed some time to figure out everything. Instead, he just left you hanging.
That's bullshit, Love. You don't deserve to be left hanging like that. I am so sorry, but you have to let this guy go. I have to agree with Mark's reply when he shared, "Who you are at this moment attracts these guys into your life. When you can let go and be full without a man, new men will come into your life who will be the kind of men you want."
He's right, Love. I am learning that myself. Jane's many insights help so much to understand that we have to learn to love ourselves and know who we are and what we want before we can attract the kind of love into our lives that we truly desire and deserve.
This guy is not the kind of guy that you want. You want someone who is as much into you as you are into him. Don't beat yourself up, Love. Don't contact this guy again. He knows how to get a hold of you. He is making a choice not to contact you and that speaks volumes. Work on you, be true to you, and you will find true love both within yourself and with someone who is deserving of you and your love.
Truly insightful comment, Shandon. I just nodded all the way through reading. You took my words 😉
Wow, I have never commented on a blog before but I feel like I had to say something- I could have written this story myself because it is exactly what I am going through- every last detail except he has never been married before. I told him I missed him a week ago while he was away and that is when we stopped communicating. It has been a week and I haven't reached out since then. I have been trying to work on me- which is why I am doing this program. I can honestly say I have never had a guy just dissapear on me before and the not knowing is so much worse than just having an answer. Especially when the relationship had such potential. I am trying to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow but I have to say it is incredibly painful that someone who supposedly loved me and cared so much for me could just run away
I feel exacly the same way, but i know that good things are coming and that sometimes its better to let go and see what happens, i feel life is passing in front of my eyes and that i can't see the beauty just because of this and i know God will not want me or you to feel this way...
I have to be honest, this is comming from a man, instead of crying your eyes out on this guy, start working on yourself as a person, and you'll have guys chasing you.
No matter what this woman tells you, it IS YOU.
Who you are at this moment attracts these guys into your life. When you can let go and be full without a man, new men will come into your life who will be the kind of men you want.
And the best part? They won't even be so interesting as they were before.
Mark with you being a man and understanding that way of thinking my question to you is, do these men ever regret letting go of these women who genuinely cared? This recently happened to me and I am recovering from it a little easier because before him I loved being on my own but I just can't seem to get that question off of my mind. Also, if they do regret it do they come back? And if they do is it worth taking that person back or will they definitely do it again?
Completely relate to this, and I hope Jane's reply is reassuring. You're worth way more than that. He's reacting in a way that you wouldn't, because you're a decent person with compassion and thoughtfulness. Don't beat yourself up, though I know it's very difficult not to. And look after you.
I really feel where you're coming from. It's such a vulnerable place when they disappear or retract communication and has always been a deep trigger for me. You are handling it way better than I have in the past but it must feel like hell right now.
Jane's response and a man reappearing for me recently has solidified what I have already decided recently, that i need to be clear on what *I* want. And I want a man who respects me enough to communicate with me in a timely manner. I don't need someone blowing up my phone but I also need to know that I can reach them in 24 hours tops to *build* a relationship with me because I need that to grow trust and connection. Everyone would have their own feelings on that but it's a deal breaker for me now. Just knowing that little thing about myself that is vulnerable but that I will now honour and communicate has given me the power that Jane mentions.
It feels like it's about only opening up to the relationships where we feel ourselves to be honoured and respected so that we don't lose our power and self-love. We deserve **exactly** the love that we want, even though I feel that there's so much bad press to settle! Communication is so crucial and so is reciprocal respect.
Never change just keep accepting yourself, knowing what you want and being true to yourself to show up in your relationships. The only 'mistake' I ever made was feeling I had to change or be less vulnerable now I see it's the opposite (thanks to Jane and everyone's heartfelt sharings). It's true courage for anyone to openly share their vulnerable relationship experiences especially in the West where we are meant to 'have it all together' or not have needs or desires when sharing these in vulnerability allows us to be authentic and honour all of ourselves not just what we think we should be or what others tell us to be.
We've all been through a ton when it comes to love and even when we feel we have it figured out, life can test us again, I know this from great loss, we can pull back and then flow forward again in our own time.
Each person has their own beautiful, imperfect path to greater love that is ongoing 🙂 true love is a journey of a lifetime that I believe everyone in the world is on. We are all walking it together.
I think you're so right, Ruth. This is what I too have learned, the hard way (I can really relate to your situation Love, something similar happened to me just a few months ago - Jane's course has really helped me). Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. Show that love to yourself every day till it overflows x
And I loved the way you put this into words 🙂
Thank you, I appreciate your response 🙂
I also find it interesting in this process that when I give myself permission to have needs, sometimes just honouring this blasts my heart open again and the needs are no longer so crucial, it was just about honouring where I'm at with love and acceptance. I love the process and I love that we have each other to practice with 🙂
This is so common so please don't think it is all you. Men cannot handle feeling as though they did something wrong. Plus with his new exciting job that he has always wanted he is not going to invest in anything else until he is set in this new position.
I know it drives you crazy that he is not responding and unfortunately this is his way of communicating. Although I thought it interesting that he was very open about how he had this situation happen to him in previous relationships and he knows that he can't handle two obstacles at one time. He knows he has a weakness but I assume doesn't want to work at it. It would be a perfect time with you to work at that.
I have to say is "let him go".. He sounds like a decent guy. Don't think negative thoughts about him. This is how dating goes all the time. Once you start thinking badly about him it will block your path with dating. Don't look down on him. Look at yourself, pick up these signals that he has shown you and know that if this happens again you give him space and write him off. I remember hearing someone say on another dating site: "shadow him". If he is very short with a respond via txt, you do the same." "If he ignores a txt, you walk away to see what happens"... You can't tie him down. Well, we all shouldn't be tied down. Enjoy what you had with him for 8 months and be happy you met him.
I am sorry! Dating is very disconnected right now.
He is not worth it. A decent human being would have been honest and communicated even with a difficult message. A person of character would also not behave in a way that left you feeling in the dark and confused, worried, etc. His actions are a reflection of him. You are worth respect. Only welcome those who respect you in your life.
If he cannot open his mouth (or type with his fingers) 4 little words....I need more time. He clearly has issues he cannot handle, but to hurt you on the way with no regard for how you must be feeling is just cowardly and extremely disrespectful. It sounds like he has moved on and did not have the balls to tell you. Sorry, Love.
Hi, right now im going through almost the same situation, i have to admit that it feels like hell and that i wasted so much time overthinking about what i may have done wrong or if i said something wrong or stupid, the difference here is that he left me hanging before and i moved on and he suddendly came Back and we started dating again, but now that things had turn more serious and that we even considered getting married and having kids HE DESSAPEARS, No text, no calls, we work together and he treats me like any Other employer, but i decided to treat him the same cuz i dont want him to think that i cannot live without him (even tho i feel like i can't sometimes) i really want him to come back but for his own will, not because i begged him to.... Waiting is horrible but i think is worse to be needy and to beg for love...
Thanks for this as I too am going through this and I'm trying so hard not to contact him as I want him to want too and if he doesn't then it's his loss. It's extremely hard when you care for someone.
same thing happened to me! It's ROUGH out here...
Yep...been there, done that. Takes a long time to get over. Lots of cowardly men out there today..selfish beyond belief....and also very misleading....
You're not alone...it will take a while to get over, but just be glad you found out he is Mr. Wrong without things going further. Now, there is room for Mr. Right...