Our sweet friend Kim tells us about a guy who she really connected with, who told her she's amazing, but then broke her heart.
Here's what she wrote:
Jane, I need some help!
I am 40 years old and still have not found the right man for me.
I get very frustrated and discouraged sometimes. I met a man in December who I thought had great potential. We met on match.com and had made plans to meet up.
Before that could happen, he texted me saying that the distance was too much. We live about an hour and a half apart.
For me, I was disappointed but since we hadn't even met I moved on. About three weeks later he reached out to me. He told me that he could not stop thinking about me and that he made a really big mistake. So I decided to give him a second chance because I really felt like we had a good connection.
We did meet up and we had a great time.
Minutes after our date he texted me telling me what a wonderful time he had and he was so glad that he got back in touch with me. We talked and texted all the time. We made plans to meet up again about a week later.
When he picked me up he had a dozen roses for me and we had a wonderful romantic date. He was talking about all the things that he wanted to do and he was so excited because Valentine's Day was only a few weeks away.
I admit I let my guard down.
I let myself get swept away. We seemed to connect on every level. I thought maybe this could be it.
The next day I didn't hear from him by the normal time that I would have. Immediately I knew something was wrong.
I sent him a text the next morning and I could tell that things had changed. He said he would call me later that night but I wasn't surprised when he didn't. The following morning I felt like I needed him to know that I knew he was trying to ghost me and I didn't appreciate it.
I was surprised to get a response back.
He once again blamed it on the distance and then said he was afraid. I didn't want to do this over text so I called him. Surprisingly he picked up.
He said I was amazing, he felt amazing when he was with me, and he had never felt like this before. He said he couldn't handle not seeing me everyday and that maybe he was afraid to fall in love. He also said he was in his comfort zone. All of these excuses at once was really overwhelming.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is how you can tell someone how amazing they are and yet you choose not to be with them? I would have loved to see him every day as well but I was willing to see him whenever I could.
For me if I want to be with somebody, I will be.
So I start to ask myself why aren't I enough for someone to make the effort? Also , I just cannot figure out what happened. I went from being the greatest thing since sliced bread on Saturday and by Sunday he was trying to ghost me.
The more I try to make sense of it the more frustrated I get. I just don't understand it at all.
I am really struggling with the fact that I can't stop thinking about him and what might have been. I wonder if he thinks about me.
There is a big part of me that wants to reach out to him. I keep thinking maybe he thinks I hate him and that's why he's not getting in touch. I almost want to let him know that I would give him another chance. Every time my phone rings or I get a text message I hope that it's him.
The logical side of me knows that I deserve so much better than that and that if he truly wanted to be with me he would. I know I would always have the fear in the back of my mind that he would bail on me again.
I am not one of those women that has men lining up to date me and each time something doesn't work out I just lose hope that I will never find the man that's right for me.
I just keep thinking all of the what ifs.
Maybe he just needs to know that I am open. It's a battle within myself everyday between my head and my heart.
Would I be selling myself short? Would I be settling?
If I had a friend in this situation I would be the first one to tell her that he is not worth it but when it comes to myself, it's not so easy. I guess it just comes down to that I don't want to go through this life alone and I don't want to look back and regret anything.
Any advice you could give would be so appreciated!
- Kim
My Response:
First of all, Kim, please don’t take any of this personally. He may have been close, but he is still so far away.
Listen to that logical side of you, as much as it doesn’t reflect the way you feel. Any man who is ready to take that risk, who is ready for a real kind of love, doesn’t stop at the scared part. He’ll move forward, even if it’s a slow move, and he’ll check in with you every step of the way.
Believe every word he told you.
Yes, you were – and are! – amazing. And I have no doubt he felt amazing when he was with you. But he also recognized that he isn’t there or isn’t able to commit to being part of a real relationship with the distance or whatever other reasons he had.
That’s not yours to take on, Kim.
The only thing to take away from what he said or admitted to you, is that he did what worked for him, he did what he was comfortable with, and his reasons had everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
I’m sure he missed you. I’m sure he wanted to try again. Consider that that second chance most of us wish we had.
He tried, but again for his own reasons, he couldn’t. Dwelling on all the what ifs and the what could have beens only hurts you and doesn’t change anything on his end.
As much as this hurts – and I’m sure it does, at least he was as honest with you as he could be. You are so right that if he was ready for more, there would be absolutely no doubt about it because he would be with you! Be so proud of yourself for seeing that the uncertainty of always wondering if he was going to bail again on you would be harder on you than this is already.
Yes, you deserve more, and yes, you have every right to contact him. But he already knows you’re open. He already knows everything you think you want to tell him. If he doesn’t, he would make sure to find out if he was ready to.
You can tell you’re getting closer because you brought in a guy who was honest with you, at least as much as he could be. Don’t let what he was or wasn’t capable of reflect on what you’re worth or what you deserve!
He is just one man. One human being. One person who couldn’t get there even if he thought he was.
You had nothing to do with that.
You’ve got something beautiful out of this, Kim. A discovery underneath all this that this is as much about you not wanting to go through life alone and not wanting to look back and regret anything.
Make that your mantra.
That’s what changes things. New determinations. New insights. New commitments to yourself.
It changes things.
It creates a shift that spells it out crystal clear to the world that you are not settling for anything less than a life lived with no regrets. Live that way, Kim. Go out and live like nothing else matters more than being with someone who adores you, and you’ll find he’s out there and he’s been looking for you all this time, too.
You don’t answer to anyone else except you.
In your resolve to live a life with no regrets or looking back on what could have been, you’ll come to see that while there will always be some who aren’t ready for you and can’t appreciate you for everything that you are, there will always be others who adore you, who can’t get enough of you, who love everything about you that you thought no one could ever love.
Go there. Be around them.
They’re the only ones worth your beautiful time and energy and love and everything else about your beautiful you.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any kind, encouraging words for our sweet friend Kim? Share them with us in the comments!
This really hits home with my own experience that is very recent. We were very close for a year, couple of breaks and remained in contact and did see each other last year (sleeping together only once). Your words are exactly how I felt and my mental trauma I have created. Last month I got answers when he brought his girlfriend over my place. I knew nothing of her and he had multiple opportunities to tell me. I just thought he was struggling mentally and additions. Turns out as soon as he had become distant was when he started seeing her. Truth came out that night after a few wines and I told her he had slept with my in October and she was really cut up. He first tried to deny it and then followed by "why would you say that?" He spoke really rudely to me, mentioning how much of a beautiful girl she is. Only about an hour before he was telling how much of an amazing person I was. His excuse for ghosting or breadcrumbing me was cause he could see I was starting to have feelings for him and he just didn't. It's a bitter sweet end and I got closure I guess but doesn't stop my mind working overtime with the WTF'S and what I could or should of said. This situation has set me into a rollercoaster of emotions and self doubt. I know it's part my fault for falling a little too hard and fast but it still cuts deep. If he had only communicated and told me at the start. I really wanted to remain friends cause it felt like I lost my best friend 😪
I reached out to her after that night with an apology of how the night ended and thought she was wonder but wasn't sorry for exposing a player. She replied with a photo of the two of them together. I have blocked both and will let her see the truth unfold for herself.
Sorry to brain dump my current woes but this has actually helped me immensely with healing journey.
'If only' except he didn't. NEVER any excuse for breadcrumbing and ghosting!
Don't push for someone who isn't ready to push for you too
I stumbled across this today and it is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, Kim! Sharing your story has really helped me as I am in the same situation. I forget that so many of us have similar feelings when this happens - it's not just me. I have to constantly remind myself that it isn't about me not being good enough when relationships don't work out. I have a tendency to wait and be hopeful instead of seeing the signs and moving on.
Sometimes men overestimate their capacity to commit. They come on strong in the beginning because they really want to believe they can be the man they are projecting but when reality catches up with them, they can't live up to their own expectations they set for themselves. It has nothing to do with you. One caveat - men like this tend to resurface. They like to know that they can have you IF they should choose to want you, but when they have you, they don't want you. Be careful to not respond to him and get caught up in the push pull dynamic again, you can literally waste years of your life with a man like that. Move on and keep focusing on what you want in a man and how that man will make you FEEL and you'll get there eventually, I know you will. Good luck!
Hi, I am Kim, the author. Thank you Jane and thank you for all of your comments. I have had a shift. I am focusing on me. I am not worried about him or what he is doing. I just wish he had the common courtesy to talk to me about, don't just disappear. I know when I meet the right man, things will just flow. It won't be so difficult. Don't get me wrong, I know relationships are hard work but nobody should have to feel like they need to convince another person to be with them. He definitely hurt me but I am looking forward to being open now for the man who IS ready! I love reading the blog, it has taught me so much! We only have one shot at life, we should all be happy! ?
You sound fantastic Kim!
Yes, guys can be such cowards. I even got ghosted once by a guy who'd been a (not very close though) friend for ages until we spoke about possibly trying to date (long distance, he seemed all eager to try at the time) and I never ever heard from him again! It is crazy the stories we all accumulate. 🙂
And you hit it on the nail there, Kim, who wants to have to convince someone to be with you?
I remember a guy who flirted hard and often hinted and when tipsy would try to kiss me , but never asked me out.
I got some thought-provoking advice from another man back then:
Do you really want to be with someone who couldn't even ask you out? There are a lot harder things in life that he and you will face, is that who you want by your side for them?
Hang in there! Your guy is on his way to you!!
"Do you really want to be with someone who couldn't even ask you out? There are a lot harder things in life that he and you will face, is that who you want by your side for them?"
Love this!!! Now, must live it!
I went through the same thing Kim. I let it go on for way too long. I would be dating someone and he would get in contact with me and I would lose all interest for the man that was right in front of me. WE were 7 hours apart though. He said all the right things and I fell hard! Every time we would make plans, he would cancel last minute. I actually started to think maybe he was married or something( he wasn't). I had to let it go. It has been 2 years of this. We shared a brief email even last month...BUT I met an amazing man last summer that I love with all my heart and is so unbelievable good to me. I still think of the other man daily. I had to come to realize that it/he was all a fantasy in my head. Of what could've been and what actually was. How he made me feel was how I allowed myself to feel and none of it was real. Well maybe it was real but it certainly wasn't what I deserved. You need a man to be present. A man that makes you as much a priority in their life as they are in yours. Do not fall for potential...
Well, my first question to these stories is: Did you have sex with him? If not, then he is just not ready. He "might" have thought that with the second date you would have had sex with him and his mission was over. He did come on way to strong at the second try so for me it sounded like he wanted sex.
I am sorry to he harsh but right now with dating that is what it is all about. It is a rare occurrence to find a man that is strong enough to take the risk with a woman, tell her what he wants and things start happening to build a relationship. That is what I see. It was only 2 dates so it is hard to tell if he would consider a discussion on how to make the distance shorter. You move closer or he move closer. (would you consider moving closer?) I always worry when women expect a lot of effort from men. It is so different right now that men are afraid to give up everything they have for someone new. Especially at our age. It is a realization that we have to face to help us with the rejections in dating. It is very sad.
I think you need to narrow your online dating search to 5 - 10 miles away. I don't know what that means for you with traffic but for me I add about about 15 minutes to that trek. So, a 30 minute drive should be enough.
You are still young, taking chances to meet someone and you will. Hang in there. We are all dealing with it.
Kim - YOU ARE AMAZING!!! As you approach each new day and event - be sure not to allow your past experiences to cloud your bright future. You can do it and you are worth the effort - and yes, we must talk to ourselves like we are our best friend!!!
Ah Kim. I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed with all these fears and negative thoughts. I am all too familiar with them. But your story is such a common one. Guy says he can't deal with the distance. First red flag. Then he changes his mind, then he starts with the romance... Just like that. That is a very very typical sign of unavailability in a man. They go too fast, too soon with the romance, but it's no surprise that when they have you, all of a sudden they have a million and one excuses to not move forward. You don't want this man. He's just one more mortal like everyone else, one who leaps before he looks. None of that has anything to do with you. You can be the most fantastic woman on earth, and you won't be met by a man who just has his own problems or who is just not the right one for you. So don't blame yourself nor make this about you not being enough for anyone to do anything. He's showing you what he's about and thank your lucky stars it was now and not when you were fully invested.
I know how much it sucks, but trust me, you don't want this one. There's nothing you can do at all. Face your fears, sit with your feelings and then go live life for yourself.
Not being able to deal with the distance is not a red flag, it's being realistic! Why do we women leave our brains at the door when it comes to men? Imagine falling in love with a person who lives 1,5 hours away? Sunday nights would be torture when you feel it's time to take your leave. And there can't be any spontaneous sleep-overs in the beginning stages. It's just heartache-on-a-plate.
He was sensible to nip it in the bud. If he'd not been bothered, he'd have thought, I'll hook up a few times and when I get tired of her I'll bail. He didn't. He thought, this chick is great and I'm very likely to fall in love, so I'm protecting my heart NOW because she lives so far away. I totally can relate to that.
Men are humans with feelings too. His rational side won out over his romantic side, and that's good. He did the work for both of them. It hurts, but it's for the best.
I come from a different perspective because I met my husband online and we lived in two different countries, about 9 hour international flight apart. Initially, we were just going to be online friends but others soon faded away. I was like you, if I love someone, then it will work. My husband was wary of the distance. Obviously, it all worked out, but there are some very key differences in our stories.
My husband expressed doubts about the distance, yet said he was cautiously hopeful and he initiated first meeting (earlier than I would have thought of it) and followed through on it, which meant a 3 hour drive, 9 hour flight, another 1 hour drive, and a weekend in a nearby inexpensive hotel, but of course none of it was inexpensive in money , time, or risk of heart.
During and after that first meeting, he still expressed doubt but also said he hopeful, he would like it if it could work.
He never ghosted me, just shared his doubts and fears, and slowly moved forward the entire time.
This guy seems to have other issues, he obviously is just not there yet. Perhaps he is not over someone yet. (Many of us have been there, someone left us and we think we can date again and we someone so amazing , but we can't .... And much later , a year or so, once we over the other person we realize wow, who did I let go. And often they are very happy with someone else by then, bc they were ready. They were never any less amazing, we just weren't ready back then.)
I think a key thing to remember is that he ghosted you before you ever met. --That is a huge sign he grappling with things that have nothing to d with you. And because they don't, knowing you won't resolve them or help him overcome them. It sad, especially for him, but true.
Once in a long term committed relationship, perhaps love is enough sometimes to conquer all (but sadly, not always, have you seen what addiction does to people and their families?) ,
but in the beginning stages like this, meeting someone amazing can't fix your own problems and often magnifies them.
You are amazing. This was not and never was and never will be a test of how worthy you are. This is not that test. It hard to see it this way, but it is the truth. This wasn't the test of your worth. Keep reminding yourself of that.
I been there too and couldn't understand why someone couldn't make the effort, wasn't I worth it?
I was, but it didn't matter bc that was not what they needed. My being wonderful wasn't as question here or being measured. It was like they need oil for their car, no matter how great I was or even wasn't, I not what they need to make that car run.
And until they can get that car running, they weren't going to be able to look up and see me or the big picture or what they might be losing or even what they might want in the future. At times all that could distract them, but not completely and it won't make the car run , so they are destined to fail if try to substitute me for oil.
It an odd and seemingly unrelated analogy but that is exactly what may be going on here with him. What he needs is not a relationship or someone special in his life, it something so very different and interval to him to make him run first before he can get to any of this other stuff.
It still hurts and it is extra sad bc we know what it could have been like.
But your Mr. Right is out there right now, going through similar to what you are experiencing, and persevering to make his way to you. He cannot with the wrong girl or spending time on someone who is not ready.
And that brings me to a mistake I made too many times in the past, don't be the one who waits, the friend, the understanding person in his life.
It won't work bc even if it eventually turns into something, it won't be due to his work or his effort.
And that is such an incredibly hard place to be in; a relationship with someone and you just don't really know deep down inside do you .... And that little question grows.
We all want to be chosen for who we are, we can do the choosing by saying no to people who aren't in the position to make a choice. It saves a lot of heart ache and self doubt.
Back to my story (though one caveat, all this advice or from my experiences 🙂 ):
My husband moved it forward and forward and forward. I didn't have to do it. On occasion, I might raise a question about relationship status, and he wouldn't know answer , but 2-3 months, he would be in that place and initiate it. He never broke up with me, he never ever disappeared, he also never slowed things done (though we were going very slow anyway).
I didn't even know he existed until I was over 41! And I had never been married before, hadn't really dated in 7 years, did some online stuff but hated dates and spent most time with family and married friends and in my living room.
I truly believed deep down in my gut they I was perhaps meant to be alone and I was scared that I was right.
I'm married and not only that I thank God, literally, for all the near misses and breakups. I'm with exactly who I am supposed to be with and at the exactly right time of my life!
The only thing I wish is that I could have gone back to my 30's self and reassured her that it was going to be okay. I very much enjoyed life (in between those crying Friday nights 🙂 ) but just think how much more I could have enjoyed the journey?!
Grieve this guy, pamper yourself, and then get excited that are you more attuned to yourself and what you want and to red flags. How fun you can choose a great man and who knows when or where it may happen?
Great message EC! I guess it is as simple as that... when is meant to happen it will...
Even when we so want it to be different..
Thank you! It gives us all hope and it helps to go through those Friday nights..
EC, this is so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes!
Oh my gosh... tears. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear today.
..."don't be the one who waits, the friend, the understanding person in his life.
It won't work bc even if it eventually turns into something, it won't be due to his work or his effort."
I'm 29 and I feel just like you did Kim and EC... maybe I'm just meant to be alone... why am I not worth it... what is wrong with me....why do all of these relationships I have so much hope for keep failing? Am I ever going to have the husband and family I desperately want?
Thank you for telling us your story, EC. All of these failed relationships and broken hearts and nights crying myself to sleep - like I did last night - are going to be worth it one day. Thank you for giving me some hope.
EC, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience and wisdom. When a potential suitor is really ready and feels the same chemistry you do, the relationship will move forward naturally. I am so happy you found your Mr. Right.
This is the most beautiful message ever I have read online. You are not only right but completely on point! Thank for sharing, and I’m 30.
I completely agree.
Sometimes it is so easy for us to just think men are there to break our hearts but we need to remember that they have feelings and hearts aswell.
I think this man probably did really like you and meant every word he said BUT was protecting his heart from being broken.
Some people can cope with a long distance relationship (I lasted 3 years) and others can't. I think he was just being really honest with you by admitting he couldn't. Also, he did it sooner rather than later as he wanted to save your heart.
Although it probably doesn't make it easier to hear, knowing the if he only lived closer, what might of been, but I think he sounded like a genuine kind of chap and this reflects in no way on you.
Go easy on yourself ?
I'm not saying long distance is a red flag if it is not to you. I meant a red flag was the fact that he brought up a concern. It may have not been an issue for her, but it was for him and that's more than enough to know it won't work out. Any negative a man brings up is red flag because it's pointing out an incompatibility. That's what I meant. What a red flag is and isn't will be different for each person. But one party expressing concern about something is not to be taken lightly.
Jane thank you so much for this site! The letter from Kim is my story in a nutshell and this whole thread has helped me tremendously!! Angel and EC your responses were exactly what I needed to hear as well, thank you so much for your feedback!